It's 7:00 in the morning and I have been up since midnight! Big giant sad face ;(
Mostly studying for my final today, kind of Christmas shopping, lots of thinking (which can be a bad thing), and lots of reading The Good Book, little sleep, lots of cuddling with my kitten, and a little hot chocolate (even though the weather is very much like Spring here...).
I am in a very hard place right now. Things in my life and other's lives are weighing on me. Family has caused Nathan and I some trouble and stress lately, my stomach is (cross my fingers) a little better, or has been the past couple of days, I am financially strapped, wishing I could do more for Christmas, I am hopelessly searching for jobs, and losing sleep.
Pre-marital counseling has been wonderful, although this last session I feel kind of blah. Dare I say it, worse than before? I think it is because I haven't really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my past. I find my mind wandering to places they shouldn't, in regards to past hurts, and God knows there's a lot of them with varying degrees of actual hurt involved. When I look back though, they all hurt the same. I have always battled self esteem problems, and as of late they are at a peak, causing me some really serious grief. I feel that I am pushing my partner away, and driving myself crazy. The hurt that I bring upon myself with memories and self-deprivation-of-my-happiness-talk is awful. I pray a lot about it, and the only thing that seems to help is prayer. I just feel like Nathan thinks I am crazy and doesn't understand. It's a horrible cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Throw on top of that all of my financial troubles, our impending wedding, school, lack of a real job, family issues, etc, things can get pretty crazy. I find that I really want to cry. Not all the time, but when I think of everything and think of how OVERWHELMING life is at the moment, that's when I want to cry. I need to just bawl. Like can't breathe, sob. I don't want to do it alone, but then I get embarrassed to do it in front of Nathan.
I want to truly feel beautiful, and like I'm worth keeping around and fighting for. Like my personality is worth something too. For some reason, I just don't. I feel like I'm the worst. And I hate that. I have these conflicting thoughts in my head where I try to feel good about myself, but then I sit and point out to myself every flaw that I can find. And then I worry that Nathan will find someone better, which makes me upset, which makes him upset, which makes fights happen, which makes me stress more. It's horrible. The question is, HOW do I fix it?
How can I get married when I feel this way? I love this man, but my distrust of everyone makes it very difficult to give everything away. If I harden just a piece of my heart, it won't ever get hurt. But then it never gets used, and then I always feel like I'm holding something back in preparation of something happening. Do I take a break? Do I run away? That won't fix a problem, but it could mend it temporarily. Sometimes the thought of a temporary mind vacation is very appealing. But I would lose my everything. I would lose Nathan, and I don't want that.
The things Nathan writes to me are amazing. They make me cry in a good way. If I could hear those things, then maybe my heart would rest. Having a heart to heart with him could really help things... but I hear the same things all the time. I feel like he doesn't know what to say, or can't say anything that sounds absolutely genuine. Not genuine in that he doesn't mean it, but genuine in that it's a profound something that's coming from his heart about how I am feeling. I need a good cry with him.
My heart is damaged. How to fix it? Go back through a childhood of hurt and stir up things that I never knew existed? Probably, and that may be what I am feeling now. Our counselors are brilliant, and maybe I am grieving something that happened. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been holding back my heart and I know what it has cost and that I don't know how to change it. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because when I hear Nathan say that I am beautiful, but I don't feel like he means it, or that it's true at all. I don't know. How do I know if what I am feeling is wrong, or if it is a gut feeling to run away? So many feelings... they make life difficult.
Apart from all of my feelings, Nathan took me to The Fox and we got dressed up to see The Nutcracker, which was amazing, although the evening was not particularly so. I got to see him play his Christmas show at church, which was a greater gift, honestly. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted every time I looked on up and saw him smiling at me from behind his trombone. If I could feel like that all the time, I'd be alright! I mean, I truly felt happiness at that moment. No gifting, no money spent, nothing overtly "special". But the fact that he was in his element of making music, and looking at me and smiling like he was proud... man. That really makes me want to cry. It's an incredible feeling when that happens, because unfortunately, I don't really feel that way often. Maybe it was because he was in a room with tons and tons of people, and making music, and with tons of people who were playing music, and it was his night, and yet, he still looked at ME. It truly made me feel special. I want that feeling every day of my life!
He has grown so much... I mean truly. I am so proud to call him mine! And that is what I am afraid of losing. Potentially the only really "good" man in my life. Something so treasured and everything that I have wanted and asked God for, and I am afraid that He will take him away, or let him walk away, or be led astray. It is my greatest fear; to be alone. I know I am not truly ever alone (God helps me a lot), but having my best friend be my almost-husband is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I could use a huge Nathan bear hug right about now. I would just cry and cry and feel better.
I go through these phases where I feel fantastic, so I kind of slack on church, and being involved with God. I think this is one of those harder places where I realize this; that I have to maintain a relationship and stand firm and go to church EVERY Sunday even if I don't want to get out of bed. I wish that I could physically hear from God that I am beautiful and that I am exactly what I am supposed to be and that Nathan is The One. Hearing that ultimate TRUTH would change everything, but I have not, or if I have, I have refused to hear it. I am a bitter, wounded woman, and I need to heal. I want to experience joy and happiness in my life every day, not just some days. I am really hoping that through prayer and talking with Nathan and understanding each others' needs and counseling that happy days are around the corner.
12.11.2012
11.28.2012
Hot Cocoa
Only mostly because it's chocolate. I'm actually sweating here...
I have a test in Med Surg today, fighting off my UC/stress induced stomach problems, and I can't wait to be comforted by my sweet, handsome, wonderful fiancé tonight!
I haven't weighed myself because it scares me. Even if I eat little things I end up running to the bathroom :( I am taking vitamins to help my body get the nutrients it needs, but I still worry. It's kind of silly how hard I was trying to lose weight, an now I am worried about it. I guess because it's not because of a healthy way that I am losing it :( I have to wait until December until I can go to the doctor :( Even then, money isn't exactly growing on trees, so I'm concerned about paying for everything. God will provide!
I need my fiancé's strong arms around me and to hear his reassurance in my ears! It's wonderful to have your best friend as a fiancé and for him to be so understanding and accepting, especially of my pretty embarrassing health problems. He asks me all the time how I am doing and how I am feeling, and it really makes me feel loved.
I am so upset that whatever I was ill with over a month ago caused this flare up :( I don't know what I had, but I felt terrible and then my belly was never the same. Probably the stress of being in nursing school doesn't help matters any either. I can't win!
I ask for prayers for healing and for luck on my test!
I have a test in Med Surg today, fighting off my UC/stress induced stomach problems, and I can't wait to be comforted by my sweet, handsome, wonderful fiancé tonight!
I haven't weighed myself because it scares me. Even if I eat little things I end up running to the bathroom :( I am taking vitamins to help my body get the nutrients it needs, but I still worry. It's kind of silly how hard I was trying to lose weight, an now I am worried about it. I guess because it's not because of a healthy way that I am losing it :( I have to wait until December until I can go to the doctor :( Even then, money isn't exactly growing on trees, so I'm concerned about paying for everything. God will provide!
I need my fiancé's strong arms around me and to hear his reassurance in my ears! It's wonderful to have your best friend as a fiancé and for him to be so understanding and accepting, especially of my pretty embarrassing health problems. He asks me all the time how I am doing and how I am feeling, and it really makes me feel loved.
I am so upset that whatever I was ill with over a month ago caused this flare up :( I don't know what I had, but I felt terrible and then my belly was never the same. Probably the stress of being in nursing school doesn't help matters any either. I can't win!
I ask for prayers for healing and for luck on my test!
11.27.2012
It's Getting Cold!
It's getting cold outside!
I am bundled up on my couch watching Psych (as always) and drinking hot cocoa, and missing my fiance that gives off heat like a furnace!
Let's see. I have a test tomorrow that I've yet to really sit down and study for, I get to bake cupcakes Thursday morning for our World AIDS Day thing, and Friday I have a final due for Research and a presentation (that I have yet to work on). Procrastination at its best! I'm suffering from super insomnia lately, which screws me over big time :(
BUT, in better news, I think Nathan and I have found the PERFECT invitations! They are the perfectly equal mix of manly and womanly, rugged and dainty, hard and soft, and I can't wait to get these put into action! But they're secret, so ;) Now all we need are some save-the-dates! Yesterday was our "11 months until we are married" day, and I can't believe it! I want it to be now though...
It's less than a month until Christmas, and I am WAY behind this year. Hardly anything has been bought! Terrible. Plus I haven't even gotten the tree up yet! We are going to have to wait until we come back from Florida, so we will have it up for basically 5 days before Christmas! Sad day.
I can't wait to start my forever with Nathan! I know I keep saying it, but it's so true! I'll keep the mushy to a minimum, but I really, really, really can't wait!
I am bundled up on my couch watching Psych (as always) and drinking hot cocoa, and missing my fiance that gives off heat like a furnace!
Let's see. I have a test tomorrow that I've yet to really sit down and study for, I get to bake cupcakes Thursday morning for our World AIDS Day thing, and Friday I have a final due for Research and a presentation (that I have yet to work on). Procrastination at its best! I'm suffering from super insomnia lately, which screws me over big time :(
BUT, in better news, I think Nathan and I have found the PERFECT invitations! They are the perfectly equal mix of manly and womanly, rugged and dainty, hard and soft, and I can't wait to get these put into action! But they're secret, so ;) Now all we need are some save-the-dates! Yesterday was our "11 months until we are married" day, and I can't believe it! I want it to be now though...
It's less than a month until Christmas, and I am WAY behind this year. Hardly anything has been bought! Terrible. Plus I haven't even gotten the tree up yet! We are going to have to wait until we come back from Florida, so we will have it up for basically 5 days before Christmas! Sad day.
I can't wait to start my forever with Nathan! I know I keep saying it, but it's so true! I'll keep the mushy to a minimum, but I really, really, really can't wait!
11.25.2012
Growing Older
I enjoy my time home visiting family as I always have.
However, after growing older and closer to having my own life with a future husband, I have found that things aren't as they used to be. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I notice now that when I come home not everything is smooth and easy. My family and I disagree. See, it's not a parent-child relationship really anymore. It's 2-4 adults trying to make decisions and share things and like any four adults, not everything is going to be agreed on. I find myself longing to be with my fiancé and less with family, mostly because since we have grown, we have grown in different directions of things that we like, are tolerant of, political opinions, and habits. I will always love being at home, but I am glad that I have finally crossed the threshold of craving the home that I will have with my husband more. I know a lot of people don't get to that point and revel in the past, and I did. I used to love to come home and be taken care of and not worry. But now I love my time with my fiancé and doing work and talking with my best friend (fiancé).
We have both been through a lot this Thanksgiving with family. I think we both are coming to terms with the fact that our families are flawed and nothing is perfect, which is fine and kind of refreshing. It allows us to speak our minds and stand up for each other and ourselves without feeling like we are being disrespectful, as we are adults speaking to adults. It's something that won't happen overnight, but it will happen, and we are going to make it together!
I have to say that I am so proud of Nathan. He is such a wonderful man and is growing everyday. I am proud to call him mine. He's honest and sweet and more than I have ever had in a partner. The one thing that I really want is to grow more and more in Christ. I have been feeling the void and an increase in stress and I know a big part of it is not going to church every Sunday or at least not being involved everyday. I pray everyday and every night. I am SO thankful for my fiancé and my family and my life and my schooling and my job and my Tangobutt and I want God to know that I am grateful for that. I want to live for HIM and be a better woman for myself and for Nathan and for God. It's something that I truly have to work on, and it's getting there.
However, after growing older and closer to having my own life with a future husband, I have found that things aren't as they used to be. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I notice now that when I come home not everything is smooth and easy. My family and I disagree. See, it's not a parent-child relationship really anymore. It's 2-4 adults trying to make decisions and share things and like any four adults, not everything is going to be agreed on. I find myself longing to be with my fiancé and less with family, mostly because since we have grown, we have grown in different directions of things that we like, are tolerant of, political opinions, and habits. I will always love being at home, but I am glad that I have finally crossed the threshold of craving the home that I will have with my husband more. I know a lot of people don't get to that point and revel in the past, and I did. I used to love to come home and be taken care of and not worry. But now I love my time with my fiancé and doing work and talking with my best friend (fiancé).
We have both been through a lot this Thanksgiving with family. I think we both are coming to terms with the fact that our families are flawed and nothing is perfect, which is fine and kind of refreshing. It allows us to speak our minds and stand up for each other and ourselves without feeling like we are being disrespectful, as we are adults speaking to adults. It's something that won't happen overnight, but it will happen, and we are going to make it together!
I have to say that I am so proud of Nathan. He is such a wonderful man and is growing everyday. I am proud to call him mine. He's honest and sweet and more than I have ever had in a partner. The one thing that I really want is to grow more and more in Christ. I have been feeling the void and an increase in stress and I know a big part of it is not going to church every Sunday or at least not being involved everyday. I pray everyday and every night. I am SO thankful for my fiancé and my family and my life and my schooling and my job and my Tangobutt and I want God to know that I am grateful for that. I want to live for HIM and be a better woman for myself and for Nathan and for God. It's something that I truly have to work on, and it's getting there.
11.20.2012
Stress!
This month has been so stressful! So much going on outside of Nathan's and my control. One of the things I am trying to learn is giving up control, but it is hard. Very hard!
I am so glad and blessed that I have Nathan to help me through things and I hope he feels the same about me. Our pre-marital counseling is helping us so much. We are learning so much about each other and are beginning to communicate with each other right. I feel a lot better knowing that a lot of our problems are not us and just family things out of our control, from both sides, and we have seen a lot of that this month. As our counselors said "this is marital stuff that you're dealing with" and we are making it, which makes me happy :)
That being said, anytime things want to let up and be a little easier, they're more than welcome to!
I am excited about Thanksgiving and delicious food and love and being with Nathan. Then Christmas! Oy! Nathan is taking me to The Fox to see The Nutcracker (I can't remember if I wrote that or not) and we are going to get dressed up and have a wonderful night!
School is almost over (pending 2 projects, an event no one will go to, 1 paper, and 3 finals). Then I'll have basically a month off total until I'm done with school! I remember starting a year ago... So crazy!
Last year was the start of the rest of my life! I met my future husband, started my schooling to my future career, been through some trials that made me stronger, made some decisions that lead me down a path that I really feel that is right for me.
I can't wait to be a wife, a mother, a successful nurse! I can't wait to have a home to call my own and grow with Nathan. I have met my husband...
That still seems SO unreal to me. After "looking" for what seems like forever, I found him. I mean as a girl you grow up thinking about your prince and then your hero who is going to whisk you up and save you from your adolescent "terrible" life, and then a MAN who will treat you right and be a good husband, and FATHER. How our views change as we grow... but they all revolve around a search for your mate. And I've found mine.
I've never been at this level of comfort with anyone. I've never been at this point of "I never want to look at anyone else" or imagine myself with someone greater, because he is the best. When we have petty arguments that will be over in minutes or sometimes hours, I have to remember that. This is my future husband. He's The One. The one that God set in my life! It wasn't easy to get to where we are and I guess it makes sense that it won't really ever be easy. But how worth it is it at the end of the day when you know you're with the right person and you're so blessed and you realize that you'd do anything to keep them? It's worth everything.
Kind of random, but it's something I had been thinking about.
I am so glad and blessed that I have Nathan to help me through things and I hope he feels the same about me. Our pre-marital counseling is helping us so much. We are learning so much about each other and are beginning to communicate with each other right. I feel a lot better knowing that a lot of our problems are not us and just family things out of our control, from both sides, and we have seen a lot of that this month. As our counselors said "this is marital stuff that you're dealing with" and we are making it, which makes me happy :)
That being said, anytime things want to let up and be a little easier, they're more than welcome to!
I am excited about Thanksgiving and delicious food and love and being with Nathan. Then Christmas! Oy! Nathan is taking me to The Fox to see The Nutcracker (I can't remember if I wrote that or not) and we are going to get dressed up and have a wonderful night!
School is almost over (pending 2 projects, an event no one will go to, 1 paper, and 3 finals). Then I'll have basically a month off total until I'm done with school! I remember starting a year ago... So crazy!
Last year was the start of the rest of my life! I met my future husband, started my schooling to my future career, been through some trials that made me stronger, made some decisions that lead me down a path that I really feel that is right for me.
I can't wait to be a wife, a mother, a successful nurse! I can't wait to have a home to call my own and grow with Nathan. I have met my husband...
That still seems SO unreal to me. After "looking" for what seems like forever, I found him. I mean as a girl you grow up thinking about your prince and then your hero who is going to whisk you up and save you from your adolescent "terrible" life, and then a MAN who will treat you right and be a good husband, and FATHER. How our views change as we grow... but they all revolve around a search for your mate. And I've found mine.
I've never been at this level of comfort with anyone. I've never been at this point of "I never want to look at anyone else" or imagine myself with someone greater, because he is the best. When we have petty arguments that will be over in minutes or sometimes hours, I have to remember that. This is my future husband. He's The One. The one that God set in my life! It wasn't easy to get to where we are and I guess it makes sense that it won't really ever be easy. But how worth it is it at the end of the day when you know you're with the right person and you're so blessed and you realize that you'd do anything to keep them? It's worth everything.
Kind of random, but it's something I had been thinking about.
11.12.2012
Winding Down
This semester is ALMOST OVER! I am so excited! Who would have thought that I have made it this far!? Certainly not me! I am so grateful though :)
To more serious matters, I think I am having a flare up. Of ulcerative colitis, that is. It is the terror that I get most afraid of every time my stomach gets upset. This time, it's for real I believe. I really need lots of prayer and good thoughts! God can do anything.
Tomorrow I get to go with my bridesmaid (sans my Maid of Honor... sad face) and look at dresses! I may get to try mine on while I'm at it! I hope to lose 10 pounds before the wedding (I have a whole year almost). However I did find a beautiful silver/nickel color Calvin Klein gown for cheap today for Nathan and my Christmas at The Fox to see The Nutcracker! So excited!
Then after my measly 2 hours of work, I get to spend time with Nathan :) That's the best part of any day ever. I love him much!
To more serious matters, I think I am having a flare up. Of ulcerative colitis, that is. It is the terror that I get most afraid of every time my stomach gets upset. This time, it's for real I believe. I really need lots of prayer and good thoughts! God can do anything.
Tomorrow I get to go with my bridesmaid (sans my Maid of Honor... sad face) and look at dresses! I may get to try mine on while I'm at it! I hope to lose 10 pounds before the wedding (I have a whole year almost). However I did find a beautiful silver/nickel color Calvin Klein gown for cheap today for Nathan and my Christmas at The Fox to see The Nutcracker! So excited!
Then after my measly 2 hours of work, I get to spend time with Nathan :) That's the best part of any day ever. I love him much!
11.05.2012
Good Day | Bad Day
I had an incredible day in clinical today. I got to hold babies and squeeze babies and touch babies and burp babies and I love the babies. It's what I want to do.
Then my belly started hurting and I was late for work (almost an hour and a half). I have previous seriously almost deathly history with belly hurts, so I am worried about that. I'm praying its just irritated and will go away.
I need my Prince Charming (fiancé) to hold me close and tell me everything will be ok and carry me away from the hurt and to a little cozy castle cabin where we can live together forever and I can be on his royal health insurance so I can go see the doctor. Dear Lord please make this happen and make my belly okay.
Also I have to be up at 5:45.
With no fiancé in sight.
Saddest day.
It seems like when you really need someone, they aren't there. Not on purpose (or maybe), but it just sucks when you're in pain and there's no one to make you feel ok :(
Then my belly started hurting and I was late for work (almost an hour and a half). I have previous seriously almost deathly history with belly hurts, so I am worried about that. I'm praying its just irritated and will go away.
I need my Prince Charming (fiancé) to hold me close and tell me everything will be ok and carry me away from the hurt and to a little cozy castle cabin where we can live together forever and I can be on his royal health insurance so I can go see the doctor. Dear Lord please make this happen and make my belly okay.
Also I have to be up at 5:45.
With no fiancé in sight.
Saddest day.
It seems like when you really need someone, they aren't there. Not on purpose (or maybe), but it just sucks when you're in pain and there's no one to make you feel ok :(
11.04.2012
Ahh November.
I can't believe it's November. I think I said the same thing for October, but really, this semester of nursing school is almost over, Thanksgiving is approaching, and then soon Christmas and my trip to Florida! And New Years! And then... the beginning of the worst 6-7 months of my life. The home stretch of nursing school. Oy.
It's only the 4th and it hasn't been entirely the best month so far. Nathan and I had a fantastic weekend that ended horribly. Fighting is the worst. I felt the worst that I have ever felt, I think. Some things were said that I didn't think I'd ever hear, from both sides. Do we still love each other? Yes. But sometimes I just don't understand why things have to escalate. When you're a little kid all your parents have to do when you're upset it pick you up and hold you and tell you everything is okay. And it is. I just wish that instead of words, that's what would happen to me.
So needless to say, I have been stress eating all day. It's unfortunately what happens when I am upset/clueless. I hate it.
So, I have been looking online at wedding things and house things for my first real home and Christmas things that I want, but cannot have. Ahh life. (I am totally registering at Anthropologie for my wedding, my babies, and anything else I can register for).
It's only the 4th and it hasn't been entirely the best month so far. Nathan and I had a fantastic weekend that ended horribly. Fighting is the worst. I felt the worst that I have ever felt, I think. Some things were said that I didn't think I'd ever hear, from both sides. Do we still love each other? Yes. But sometimes I just don't understand why things have to escalate. When you're a little kid all your parents have to do when you're upset it pick you up and hold you and tell you everything is okay. And it is. I just wish that instead of words, that's what would happen to me.
So needless to say, I have been stress eating all day. It's unfortunately what happens when I am upset/clueless. I hate it.
So, I have been looking online at wedding things and house things for my first real home and Christmas things that I want, but cannot have. Ahh life. (I am totally registering at Anthropologie for my wedding, my babies, and anything else I can register for).
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Skyla Bedding |
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Marseille Coverlet |
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Toecap Treasure Flats  |
10.15.2012
Fair fun!
Nathan came back! I am happy and whole again!
We spent Friday celebrating at Longhorn (yummy!) and then we went to the Fair with my mom and brother. We ate boiled peanuts (a first for me (and last)), pizza, corn dogs, ice cream, funnel cake, a turkey leg, and onion rings! Nathan won me a chihuahua (we found out it was actually Desperaux, but I am still calling him chihuahua), a banana, and a cat picture that says "I love you" in Comic Sans. Good, hokey fair fun! He also got me a cowboy hat for novelty value. We rode the Ferris wheel and another ride where I laughed my butt off out of terror. Seriously. It was wonderful!
This is our Fall Break at school until Wednesday, but I have a test Wednesday, and I have to work Tuesday, so I really only get one day off. Lame.
Anyway, I am probably going to meet Nathan for lunch at work today (since it's almost 1 in the morning), and clean my house a bit!
Nothing super exciting, but updates nonetheless.
We spent Friday celebrating at Longhorn (yummy!) and then we went to the Fair with my mom and brother. We ate boiled peanuts (a first for me (and last)), pizza, corn dogs, ice cream, funnel cake, a turkey leg, and onion rings! Nathan won me a chihuahua (we found out it was actually Desperaux, but I am still calling him chihuahua), a banana, and a cat picture that says "I love you" in Comic Sans. Good, hokey fair fun! He also got me a cowboy hat for novelty value. We rode the Ferris wheel and another ride where I laughed my butt off out of terror. Seriously. It was wonderful!
This is our Fall Break at school until Wednesday, but I have a test Wednesday, and I have to work Tuesday, so I really only get one day off. Lame.
Anyway, I am probably going to meet Nathan for lunch at work today (since it's almost 1 in the morning), and clean my house a bit!
Nothing super exciting, but updates nonetheless.
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| Ferris wheel love! |
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| :) |
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| Me and my mom! |
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| This corn dog was suggestive... |
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| Me and my prizes that my fiance won for me :) |
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| My NEW BOOTS! <3 |
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| Nathan with the Fox. Also getting the "bunny fingers". |
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| One of our photos from In Sienk Photography! |
10.08.2012
October!
It's October!
Tomorrow is one of Nathan and my anniversaries! 1 year and 8 months! We both remarked the other day how it seemed like a lot longer than that, and not in a bad way! Nathan is gone on business for a week, so I will be alone :( Tomorrow I have to ride around with Hospice for the day in Cumming, so I am going home to see my Mum tonight ;)
We had an incredible weekend of tears (good ones that brought relief!) and fun! First to talk about is pre-marital counseling. Incredible! While scary and hard at times, it really makes you dig deep into yourself as an individual to make your union as a couple stronger! Nathan and I are pretty "ahead of the game" since we are pretty open about our own issues and don't deny anything, and I am so thankful to God for that. We already had a really open communicative relationship, but this is just making things even better. I find myself telling Nathan things that would normally be really hard or embarrassing and finding that he doesn't judge me and he listens to me and offers reassurance and advice; something that we all need I think. I have seen him grow so much in just these 2 sessions that it's incredible. I was always proud of him, but I think he is becoming someone that HE can be proud to be, which is amazing.
After we left, we decided to go on an impromptu date to a corn maze! It was so fun! When we go out, Nathan and I have more than often "kid dates" which are the most fun! We can go eat Mexican and bring Mad Libs and laugh at the table all night, sit at home and watch things that make us laugh, tickle each other, or in this case, go to a corn maze and eat all kinds of cheap (awesome) food! We didn't get lost in the corn maze (which was kind of sad... we both wanted to! I have found that I actually have a pretty good sense of direction.) but we did take some pictures and kiss and see Moo Moos and eat cheap nachos and drink Capri Sun and Nathan even got a giant pixie stick that was as long as his leg. We were going to watch the movie on the lawn, but it was Mission Impossible... 4 I think? And we wanted to watch a kid movie. Afterwards, we drove around and took in rural Georgia. We sang in the car all the way home, and then we went to Olive Garden where we both got the never-ending pasta bowl (alfredo of course) and stuffed our faces and talked about marriage and love and being together forever. It was wonderful!
Yesterday we watched an awesome message by Andy Stanley about the "right" way to pray, which I am trying to take into practice! Then we dropped two big old bags of my clothes off to Goodwill, managed not to buy anything, eat a big ol' stromboli at Sbarro at the mall, walk around and hold hands, then went home and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. Then I cried a whole, whole lot because I am going to miss my Nathan like crazy! He comes back Friday. It is Monday. I want to fast forward time!
It's gloriously chilly outside, and I don't want to go to work. However, since I might have to miss it tomorrow, I probably should go in. Gotta save up for this wedding (which will be in a year soon!).
I have a test this week and lots of paperwork due, but next week is Fall Break! Hallejulah!
That's all. XOXOXO.
Tomorrow is one of Nathan and my anniversaries! 1 year and 8 months! We both remarked the other day how it seemed like a lot longer than that, and not in a bad way! Nathan is gone on business for a week, so I will be alone :( Tomorrow I have to ride around with Hospice for the day in Cumming, so I am going home to see my Mum tonight ;)
We had an incredible weekend of tears (good ones that brought relief!) and fun! First to talk about is pre-marital counseling. Incredible! While scary and hard at times, it really makes you dig deep into yourself as an individual to make your union as a couple stronger! Nathan and I are pretty "ahead of the game" since we are pretty open about our own issues and don't deny anything, and I am so thankful to God for that. We already had a really open communicative relationship, but this is just making things even better. I find myself telling Nathan things that would normally be really hard or embarrassing and finding that he doesn't judge me and he listens to me and offers reassurance and advice; something that we all need I think. I have seen him grow so much in just these 2 sessions that it's incredible. I was always proud of him, but I think he is becoming someone that HE can be proud to be, which is amazing.
After we left, we decided to go on an impromptu date to a corn maze! It was so fun! When we go out, Nathan and I have more than often "kid dates" which are the most fun! We can go eat Mexican and bring Mad Libs and laugh at the table all night, sit at home and watch things that make us laugh, tickle each other, or in this case, go to a corn maze and eat all kinds of cheap (awesome) food! We didn't get lost in the corn maze (which was kind of sad... we both wanted to! I have found that I actually have a pretty good sense of direction.) but we did take some pictures and kiss and see Moo Moos and eat cheap nachos and drink Capri Sun and Nathan even got a giant pixie stick that was as long as his leg. We were going to watch the movie on the lawn, but it was Mission Impossible... 4 I think? And we wanted to watch a kid movie. Afterwards, we drove around and took in rural Georgia. We sang in the car all the way home, and then we went to Olive Garden where we both got the never-ending pasta bowl (alfredo of course) and stuffed our faces and talked about marriage and love and being together forever. It was wonderful!
Yesterday we watched an awesome message by Andy Stanley about the "right" way to pray, which I am trying to take into practice! Then we dropped two big old bags of my clothes off to Goodwill, managed not to buy anything, eat a big ol' stromboli at Sbarro at the mall, walk around and hold hands, then went home and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. Then I cried a whole, whole lot because I am going to miss my Nathan like crazy! He comes back Friday. It is Monday. I want to fast forward time!
It's gloriously chilly outside, and I don't want to go to work. However, since I might have to miss it tomorrow, I probably should go in. Gotta save up for this wedding (which will be in a year soon!).
I have a test this week and lots of paperwork due, but next week is Fall Break! Hallejulah!
That's all. XOXOXO.
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| Beautiful North Georgia! |
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| That's my bug! |
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| Moo Moos <3 |
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| Partially pictured are our children snacks. |
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| Us :) |
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| Nathan's first Melting Pot trip! Delicious! |
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| Probably my favorite of us from the day :) |
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| Tango's welcome home present. |
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| New haircut/trim! Grow hair grow! |
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| King of the kiddie straw bales. |
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| "I am The Batman" |
9.27.2012
love love love!
Things are bittersweet here.
Nathan and I had the most incredible weekend last weekend together. Nothing planned, but we went home to see my mom and actually pretty much spent the weekend alone! We got to cuddle, talk late into the night, laugh a lot, eat cupcakes, cruise the mall, AND on Sunday we actually got our wedding bands! Mine are (I got 2 ahh!) shiny and beautiful and vintage and amazing, and his is gorgeous and manly, and simple and so him. It warmed my very heart to see that ring on his finger! I'm used to seeing mine since I have had my shiny for a few months! I can't wait to make that man my husband!
I passed all but one of my nursing tests (I failed by 2 points, something that I am actually relieved by after taking that research test... Dang). I found my bridesmaids! Three sweet ladies from my nursing class are going to help me walk down the aisle! Who would have thought?! I have to get in hardcore saving mode.
Also, when I went home, the scale read 125 point something, but 125! Also, since then I have been a little lax eating Oreos and cream puffs from work! Work kills my diet. They are always making tasty treats! So, I actually bought a 400-calorie meal thing from Barnes and Noble this weekend, and I'm going to get back on track.
OH! And we had our engagement pictures made! They are beautiful! Well, the 3 preview pictures we had!
Our friend Carrie-Ann (who co-owns In Sienk Photography with her husband, Scott) took them, and they look wonderful! I cannot wait to get the rest back :)
With the ups, there are always downs, and we hit a low this week. I have unspoken prayer requests for my Mom and Dad. Financial trouble has been a HUGE burden on my family the last few years, and it doesn't seem to be lightening up anytime soon. Prayers are needed and appreciated! Also, Nathan's parents need some prayers too. We just need prayers all around!
Nathan and I are going to marriage counseling again next Saturday! I can't wait! But that also means that I need to get on the ball with my reading. I'm such a procrastinator it hurts. But, this really, really opened doors for us and I can't wait to learn and talk more with these Godly people and each other. This is going to do us wonders before we get married!
Speaking of which, yesterday was 13 months to the day of our marriage! Ahhh! I'll leave this post with that :)
Nathan and I had the most incredible weekend last weekend together. Nothing planned, but we went home to see my mom and actually pretty much spent the weekend alone! We got to cuddle, talk late into the night, laugh a lot, eat cupcakes, cruise the mall, AND on Sunday we actually got our wedding bands! Mine are (I got 2 ahh!) shiny and beautiful and vintage and amazing, and his is gorgeous and manly, and simple and so him. It warmed my very heart to see that ring on his finger! I'm used to seeing mine since I have had my shiny for a few months! I can't wait to make that man my husband!
I passed all but one of my nursing tests (I failed by 2 points, something that I am actually relieved by after taking that research test... Dang). I found my bridesmaids! Three sweet ladies from my nursing class are going to help me walk down the aisle! Who would have thought?! I have to get in hardcore saving mode.
Also, when I went home, the scale read 125 point something, but 125! Also, since then I have been a little lax eating Oreos and cream puffs from work! Work kills my diet. They are always making tasty treats! So, I actually bought a 400-calorie meal thing from Barnes and Noble this weekend, and I'm going to get back on track.
OH! And we had our engagement pictures made! They are beautiful! Well, the 3 preview pictures we had!
Our friend Carrie-Ann (who co-owns In Sienk Photography with her husband, Scott) took them, and they look wonderful! I cannot wait to get the rest back :)
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| Ahh! <3 |
With the ups, there are always downs, and we hit a low this week. I have unspoken prayer requests for my Mom and Dad. Financial trouble has been a HUGE burden on my family the last few years, and it doesn't seem to be lightening up anytime soon. Prayers are needed and appreciated! Also, Nathan's parents need some prayers too. We just need prayers all around!
Nathan and I are going to marriage counseling again next Saturday! I can't wait! But that also means that I need to get on the ball with my reading. I'm such a procrastinator it hurts. But, this really, really opened doors for us and I can't wait to learn and talk more with these Godly people and each other. This is going to do us wonders before we get married!
Speaking of which, yesterday was 13 months to the day of our marriage! Ahhh! I'll leave this post with that :)
9.19.2012
I should be cramming more stuff into my head
But I don't want to anymore!
I haven't written in awhile and my lack of blogging has come to my fiancé's attention, so.
Nursing school is hard as usual. I'm trying not to stress as much as I did my first year. I feel like I am a little more prepared, and it's nice to not hear the "not everyone will make it" talk anymore. Actually, we heard that if we make it this far, we should actually make it. So.
Nathan and I found a DJ for our wedding! He kinda sorta knows Nathan, so he gave us a pretty wonderful deal! Now we just need to finish paying off our photographer, the venue and get a florist and a caterer. Not to mention I have to find my bridesmaids, etc. Also a honeymoon would be nice. ALSO we need to make an engagement party list. Oy. This is rough stuff. So much to do! Good thing we did set this big thing a year away. I need more time in the day!
Now that I have bitten all of my nails off due to stress, Nathan and I are getting a mini engagement session done this weekend by our wonderful photographer friends :) It'll be nice to have some documented evidence of our engagement ;) I keep thinking how much we need to take more pictures of us together! We need pictures to show our babies one day, and to look back on when we are old and grey.
I can't wait to go back to pre-marital counseling. I'm not sure when we get to go back, but we need it! Not that anything is wrong with us, but we both have things that we need to work on before we bring them into our marriage and maybe cause problems down the road. And I don't want that at all :( I want so bad to have the best marriage. Better than our parents' marriages, and better than I can imagine! I can't wait to go on this journey with Nathan. It'll be hard and exciting and wonderful.
I have a test in an hour and a half and I can't cram anymore respiratory ad surgical information into my head. I don't feel well, and neither does Nathan, so he's going to take half a day and I'm taking the whole day (after my test) to relax and feel better. Well, after I get my mandatory flu shot for school. 8( Ouch.
So, things are wonderful, I'm growing in God everyday, and I'm conquering nursing school a little at a time. :)
The end.
I haven't written in awhile and my lack of blogging has come to my fiancé's attention, so.
Nursing school is hard as usual. I'm trying not to stress as much as I did my first year. I feel like I am a little more prepared, and it's nice to not hear the "not everyone will make it" talk anymore. Actually, we heard that if we make it this far, we should actually make it. So.
Nathan and I found a DJ for our wedding! He kinda sorta knows Nathan, so he gave us a pretty wonderful deal! Now we just need to finish paying off our photographer, the venue and get a florist and a caterer. Not to mention I have to find my bridesmaids, etc. Also a honeymoon would be nice. ALSO we need to make an engagement party list. Oy. This is rough stuff. So much to do! Good thing we did set this big thing a year away. I need more time in the day!
Now that I have bitten all of my nails off due to stress, Nathan and I are getting a mini engagement session done this weekend by our wonderful photographer friends :) It'll be nice to have some documented evidence of our engagement ;) I keep thinking how much we need to take more pictures of us together! We need pictures to show our babies one day, and to look back on when we are old and grey.
I can't wait to go back to pre-marital counseling. I'm not sure when we get to go back, but we need it! Not that anything is wrong with us, but we both have things that we need to work on before we bring them into our marriage and maybe cause problems down the road. And I don't want that at all :( I want so bad to have the best marriage. Better than our parents' marriages, and better than I can imagine! I can't wait to go on this journey with Nathan. It'll be hard and exciting and wonderful.
I have a test in an hour and a half and I can't cram anymore respiratory ad surgical information into my head. I don't feel well, and neither does Nathan, so he's going to take half a day and I'm taking the whole day (after my test) to relax and feel better. Well, after I get my mandatory flu shot for school. 8( Ouch.
So, things are wonderful, I'm growing in God everyday, and I'm conquering nursing school a little at a time. :)
The end.
9.03.2012
The weekend that beats all weekends
Nathan and I had an incredible almost four days together exclusively. It was wonderful. My first giant slice of happiness happened on Friday when they let me go home from work almost 4 hours early! I went home and super cleaned (I needed it as much as my house needed it) and waited for Nathan to come over. I can't even remember all of the amazing things we ate and did this weekend! But let's see:
Friday night we tried to make it to Earth Fare in time to get some pizza. We missed it. So we kind of got lost driving to Chipotle, got some kind of okay food, drove to Gigi's, got four awesome cupcakes, and played an alphabet food game that we made up as we went. After dinner, we cuddled and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and marveled at how much Gene Wilder was acting so far ahead of his time. He's incredible! Also, I ate cupcake number one.
Saturday was the real start to our weekend, and it was a great one! We decided a long time ago that we wanted to go to pre-marital counseling before we get married. In preparation, both of us were asked to do some deep, childhood, soul searching, and left us begging for more. We both were eating this stuff up, talking about it and figuring out where we both were. Saturday was our first session, and there were lots of good tears, lots of encouragement, hope, and safety offered. It was wonderful. We both can't wait to go back next month! Nathan and I had both said that we really wanted to go every weekend of we could! It was very eye opening, and wonderful, and I am so excited for the changes that await us in the future! We had Chinese for lunch, and then after our unloading at the counseling session, we held hands and walked around the outlet mall just talking and window shopping. For dinner we we to pizza hut, and then we talked at Starbucks until we both almost fell asleep!
Sunday morning Nathan and I went to church. Andy Stanley has been doing the Guardrails series which was very influential to me a few years ago when he first started doing it, so I was glad that Nathan could share this with me. It was a very good, close to home topic that got me crying, but it was wonderful to see that we were nothing doing things to keep our relationship golden! After church we went to Goodwill and I got a new denim dress that I have been looking for, a few shirts, and even Nathan found a new shirt! I love thrifting! After that, we went to Target and Michaels, went to KFC, stuffed our faces, and watched Kitchen Nightmares and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I also ate cupcake number two. After the movie was over, we mushed together and asked each other questions to learn about each other and invented stories and laughed a lot. It's funny how you think you know someone, but you never think that you may not know the simplest of things. I forgot what Nathan's favorite color was, his favorite number, his favorite Harry Potter book, his favorite love song, etc. Things that let you know the person you are with. I treasure the moments like that.
Today, we got up early and went to Cracker Barrel after playing the ukulele and making some music, and walked around Kohl's before heading home to take a nap in the rain. We woke up, had an early dinner of leftovers, watched Kitchen Nightmares, cuddled , did our devotion, and ate the last two cupcakes (that means that I ate three of the four. Thanks, Nathan!).
I am stuffed, probably 5 pounds heavier, and totally, utterly, completely happy without a worry in the world. I get to marry this man!
Friday night we tried to make it to Earth Fare in time to get some pizza. We missed it. So we kind of got lost driving to Chipotle, got some kind of okay food, drove to Gigi's, got four awesome cupcakes, and played an alphabet food game that we made up as we went. After dinner, we cuddled and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and marveled at how much Gene Wilder was acting so far ahead of his time. He's incredible! Also, I ate cupcake number one.
Saturday was the real start to our weekend, and it was a great one! We decided a long time ago that we wanted to go to pre-marital counseling before we get married. In preparation, both of us were asked to do some deep, childhood, soul searching, and left us begging for more. We both were eating this stuff up, talking about it and figuring out where we both were. Saturday was our first session, and there were lots of good tears, lots of encouragement, hope, and safety offered. It was wonderful. We both can't wait to go back next month! Nathan and I had both said that we really wanted to go every weekend of we could! It was very eye opening, and wonderful, and I am so excited for the changes that await us in the future! We had Chinese for lunch, and then after our unloading at the counseling session, we held hands and walked around the outlet mall just talking and window shopping. For dinner we we to pizza hut, and then we talked at Starbucks until we both almost fell asleep!
Sunday morning Nathan and I went to church. Andy Stanley has been doing the Guardrails series which was very influential to me a few years ago when he first started doing it, so I was glad that Nathan could share this with me. It was a very good, close to home topic that got me crying, but it was wonderful to see that we were nothing doing things to keep our relationship golden! After church we went to Goodwill and I got a new denim dress that I have been looking for, a few shirts, and even Nathan found a new shirt! I love thrifting! After that, we went to Target and Michaels, went to KFC, stuffed our faces, and watched Kitchen Nightmares and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I also ate cupcake number two. After the movie was over, we mushed together and asked each other questions to learn about each other and invented stories and laughed a lot. It's funny how you think you know someone, but you never think that you may not know the simplest of things. I forgot what Nathan's favorite color was, his favorite number, his favorite Harry Potter book, his favorite love song, etc. Things that let you know the person you are with. I treasure the moments like that.
Today, we got up early and went to Cracker Barrel after playing the ukulele and making some music, and walked around Kohl's before heading home to take a nap in the rain. We woke up, had an early dinner of leftovers, watched Kitchen Nightmares, cuddled , did our devotion, and ate the last two cupcakes (that means that I ate three of the four. Thanks, Nathan!).
I am stuffed, probably 5 pounds heavier, and totally, utterly, completely happy without a worry in the world. I get to marry this man!
8.26.2012
Wants
My 26th birthday was wonderful! Nathan made me the best spicy pasta and the best oysters rockefeller that I have ever had! He made me a poster of our inside joke drawings that we had made over the months, and I love love love it! Then on my birthday for real, we went to The Grit and I got their famous Golden Bowl that was absolutely fantastic! Who could have thought that tofu was actually yum?! It was great!
I passed my med math test with a 100! So no more of that for me! Yay!
I had some revelations occur to me over the past few weeks. I never really thought that I would be super motherly and super want the "American dream" of the nice little suburban house and 2.5 kids and a yard and cooking food for my husband, but I have fallen in love with that idea. I really want that. Someday (after I graduate). I hate that I am still in school. :(
Also, I weigh 132. Which is poop.
I passed my med math test with a 100! So no more of that for me! Yay!
I had some revelations occur to me over the past few weeks. I never really thought that I would be super motherly and super want the "American dream" of the nice little suburban house and 2.5 kids and a yard and cooking food for my husband, but I have fallen in love with that idea. I really want that. Someday (after I graduate). I hate that I am still in school. :(
Also, I weigh 132. Which is poop.
8.17.2012
one more day...
Until my super secret fiance birthday celebration! I don't know what he's doing besides cooking (I don't know what), but I am so excited!!! I miss him too :( It'll be 2 days since I have seen him by tomorrow! It doesn't sound long, but he's my best friend! I just want to cuddle him all the time!
The first day of school went well, I think. I may or may not have made a 100 on my med math test, we will find out soon. I have one more chance if I didn't... but let's just hope that I did! I am ready to start learning again. It makes me feel good (and exhausted at the same time) to have things that I HAVE to do. School, work, wedding planning, and fiance should keep me super occupied! We are having a breakfast for the incoming juniors this morning, which should be interesting! Oh, and everyone asked me a ton of questions about the wedding, and loved the ring, and how he did such an awesome job, etc. :) It was nice! It was also nice to come back with no ill feelings and everyone in a good mood. Refreshed and ready for depletion, like last semester. ;)
I still weigh 130. Poop. I am going to try real hard today since this weekend, all diet bets are off. Food tomorrow with Nathan, and food Sunday with my family! I can't wait!
I guess I better get ready, or something.
The first day of school went well, I think. I may or may not have made a 100 on my med math test, we will find out soon. I have one more chance if I didn't... but let's just hope that I did! I am ready to start learning again. It makes me feel good (and exhausted at the same time) to have things that I HAVE to do. School, work, wedding planning, and fiance should keep me super occupied! We are having a breakfast for the incoming juniors this morning, which should be interesting! Oh, and everyone asked me a ton of questions about the wedding, and loved the ring, and how he did such an awesome job, etc. :) It was nice! It was also nice to come back with no ill feelings and everyone in a good mood. Refreshed and ready for depletion, like last semester. ;)
I still weigh 130. Poop. I am going to try real hard today since this weekend, all diet bets are off. Food tomorrow with Nathan, and food Sunday with my family! I can't wait!
I guess I better get ready, or something.
8.14.2012
excitement!
Things have been pretty wonderful lately! Nathan and I are learning more and more about each other and growing in God. He is reading Wild at Heart, which is giving him good insight into himself and into me, and I am reading about not being stressed out all the time! :) It is seeming to work! I am a lot happier and a lot more calm, not thinking about the things that I used to all the time, and now they are growing rarer and rarer everyday (which I am super thankful for!). I went to the doctor the other day and I am still hovering around 130 (129.5). I feel like mostly because I haven't been sticking to my diet like I should be! Nathan and I have been enjoying ourselves... with food! The other day I took him to a Mexican restaurant that he had never been to, and while the fish tacos were delicious, the pickled jalepenos super hurt my stomach :(
I also bought some new Chacos the other day after much pursuasion from Nathan, and we toured around 5 Points in Athens and ate a lot of pizza at Earth Fare. It was a wonderful, wonderful day! Today after I get off work and Nathan meets me home, we are going for a long walk, and then we are going to eat all of the calories we just burned by indulging in Olive Garden's unlimited pasta bowl. It is my favorite event of the year, except for Christmas. Maybe Thanksgiving, because I get to ride horses. But, pasta, for real. Also, today I looked for more wedding stuff at Goodwill, like I do all week, but I couldn't find anything for the wedding. However, I did find 4 dresses, 2 of which were 3 dollars a piece, a cardigan for me, and a flannel shirt for Nathan that matches my flannel dress that I bought! I smell engagement pictures!!!!
Anyway, we are narrowing down plans for our pre-marital counseling, and wedding planning has gone on hold for the most part. I have to start school on Thursday, and I am not ready! At all! I have a Med Math test that I HAVE to make a 100 on, so prayers would be great!
The end.
I also bought some new Chacos the other day after much pursuasion from Nathan, and we toured around 5 Points in Athens and ate a lot of pizza at Earth Fare. It was a wonderful, wonderful day! Today after I get off work and Nathan meets me home, we are going for a long walk, and then we are going to eat all of the calories we just burned by indulging in Olive Garden's unlimited pasta bowl. It is my favorite event of the year, except for Christmas. Maybe Thanksgiving, because I get to ride horses. But, pasta, for real. Also, today I looked for more wedding stuff at Goodwill, like I do all week, but I couldn't find anything for the wedding. However, I did find 4 dresses, 2 of which were 3 dollars a piece, a cardigan for me, and a flannel shirt for Nathan that matches my flannel dress that I bought! I smell engagement pictures!!!!
Anyway, we are narrowing down plans for our pre-marital counseling, and wedding planning has gone on hold for the most part. I have to start school on Thursday, and I am not ready! At all! I have a Med Math test that I HAVE to make a 100 on, so prayers would be great!
The end.
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| Fiance is the best artist! |
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| I love this plaid dress! It has pockets! |
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| This one looks like those blue and white china plates! |
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| Plaid dress and my Mad Men style sheath dress! <3 |
8.06.2012
devotion(als)
So, Nathan and I decided to start doing a couple's devotional. It's for people who are already married, but we can tweak it to be for those who are married-to-be! We want to base our marriage off of God and His teachings, so we are learning about what marriage is from that standpoint. We were reading about the difference between a contract and a covenant marriage, which was very interesting. We are leaning towards a convenant one ;)
Yesterday was fun! Nathan came over and we were going to go to church early, but we missed the service... we thought it was at 9:30 when it was in fact at 9. So, we got coffee and went to the store to pick up some food (Caprese bagels!) and went back to the house and did our devotional reading together which was awesome!
It's crazy to see how far we have come from this to where we are!
What is not awesome, however, is how flipping itchy my face is.
I have had problems with zits (not entirely acne, and if it is it's not severe) my entire life. Well mostly after hitting puberty. ANYWAY, I am tired of it. I'm 25 (almost 26) years old! So, I went and got the 3 step system from Clinique, which worked wonders overnight, but it super dries my skin out, so my face is red and I want to take a sander to it to stop the itching! But, it looks like it's working, so I suppose I'll deal with it (first world problems).
I also got a Groupon to get my tattoo removed. Well, one of them. One that is tied to the "old" me and one that I don't want to carry into my marriage! It'll be nice to not have to hide my arm anymore! (Tattoos are not fun for nursing students or the professional workplace. I wish the younger me knew that). So, a nice clean (hopefully) slate. I know it will make Nathan happier, and in turn, myself. I've been on a better path the past couple of weeks, reading a lot about growing more comfortable with myself through God and giving up perfectionism and dreading the worst. I'm a happier and carefree-er me! I love love love it.
Yesterday was fun! Nathan came over and we were going to go to church early, but we missed the service... we thought it was at 9:30 when it was in fact at 9. So, we got coffee and went to the store to pick up some food (Caprese bagels!) and went back to the house and did our devotional reading together which was awesome!
It's crazy to see how far we have come from this to where we are!
What is not awesome, however, is how flipping itchy my face is.
I have had problems with zits (not entirely acne, and if it is it's not severe) my entire life. Well mostly after hitting puberty. ANYWAY, I am tired of it. I'm 25 (almost 26) years old! So, I went and got the 3 step system from Clinique, which worked wonders overnight, but it super dries my skin out, so my face is red and I want to take a sander to it to stop the itching! But, it looks like it's working, so I suppose I'll deal with it (first world problems).
I also got a Groupon to get my tattoo removed. Well, one of them. One that is tied to the "old" me and one that I don't want to carry into my marriage! It'll be nice to not have to hide my arm anymore! (Tattoos are not fun for nursing students or the professional workplace. I wish the younger me knew that). So, a nice clean (hopefully) slate. I know it will make Nathan happier, and in turn, myself. I've been on a better path the past couple of weeks, reading a lot about growing more comfortable with myself through God and giving up perfectionism and dreading the worst. I'm a happier and carefree-er me! I love love love it.
8.04.2012
Seconds
Second post in one night. Oy.
It's late and I have a headache and I miss Nathan. I'm so sick of not being married. Like, make me cry, make my heart hurt, sick. I want to be able to cuddle with him every flipping night. There is no better feeling than when I am in his warm, strong arms with my face burrowed in his chest. It's home. I sleep better that way. I miss it :( I want to be able to do that. Every night forever. Fall asleep with him scratching my back or playing with my hair and me just hearing his heart beat. Perfect! It's perfect.
I just need him. I can seriously be happy with him. He's my comfort. He drives me crazy sometimes, and I him, but I love him. Everything. His smell, his voice, his laugh, everything! And I want all of that everyday. A year and 2 months is a long time. I want it to fly by so we can be married. Who would have thought that the cute boy I met on the Internet would turn out to be my future husband?! I guess I always hoped, but, holy cow! And that first date was the last first date of my life. And the last first kiss. He will be the one that takes care of me forever. It's crazy! I remember thinking, Christa, if this date doesn't go well, keep your head up. And look where it got me! We have had our storms for sure, some more terrible and scary than others, but we have made it. We have seen the calm and wonderful days, and I really want to keep those coming. We are both so excited to learn about God and growing with God in our lives. We have a lot to work on before we get married, but he said "I'm willing to do whatever it takes" and so am I. We want a relationship that's deep rooted and lasts a lifetime. We are both in agreement that premarital counseling is the best thing! I mean, what do we know? We've never been married before. We can only learn to not be our parents from watching then go through their hard times, but we aren't our parents. Where are the rules for this game in life? "Here is how to fix an argument" or "Here is how to stop them from ever happening again". Marriage is daunting. It's scary to me. Actually, it's super terrifying. But I want to take a leap of faith. I have faith that God lead me to the right person that he knew I was supposed to be with for one reason or another. And I love him. Dearly and deeply and truly.
It's late and I have a headache and I miss Nathan. I'm so sick of not being married. Like, make me cry, make my heart hurt, sick. I want to be able to cuddle with him every flipping night. There is no better feeling than when I am in his warm, strong arms with my face burrowed in his chest. It's home. I sleep better that way. I miss it :( I want to be able to do that. Every night forever. Fall asleep with him scratching my back or playing with my hair and me just hearing his heart beat. Perfect! It's perfect.
I just need him. I can seriously be happy with him. He's my comfort. He drives me crazy sometimes, and I him, but I love him. Everything. His smell, his voice, his laugh, everything! And I want all of that everyday. A year and 2 months is a long time. I want it to fly by so we can be married. Who would have thought that the cute boy I met on the Internet would turn out to be my future husband?! I guess I always hoped, but, holy cow! And that first date was the last first date of my life. And the last first kiss. He will be the one that takes care of me forever. It's crazy! I remember thinking, Christa, if this date doesn't go well, keep your head up. And look where it got me! We have had our storms for sure, some more terrible and scary than others, but we have made it. We have seen the calm and wonderful days, and I really want to keep those coming. We are both so excited to learn about God and growing with God in our lives. We have a lot to work on before we get married, but he said "I'm willing to do whatever it takes" and so am I. We want a relationship that's deep rooted and lasts a lifetime. We are both in agreement that premarital counseling is the best thing! I mean, what do we know? We've never been married before. We can only learn to not be our parents from watching then go through their hard times, but we aren't our parents. Where are the rules for this game in life? "Here is how to fix an argument" or "Here is how to stop them from ever happening again". Marriage is daunting. It's scary to me. Actually, it's super terrifying. But I want to take a leap of faith. I have faith that God lead me to the right person that he knew I was supposed to be with for one reason or another. And I love him. Dearly and deeply and truly.
8.03.2012
verses
Psalm 56:3There are days when I go completely crazy and I want to cry my eyes out and get away for a weekend of my own and pray and ask for everything to be revealed to me before I lose my head. Today was one of these days.
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.
I have been enormously blessed for the past week and my prayers for peace and comfort have been answered. I have been the happiest I have been in awhile, and then today, I lost my peace. I think I am terrified of getting married and being "stuck". What happens if this isn't "right"? What happens if I get married and it's so much more difficult than it is now? I can't think of divorce as an option because I don't EVER want to have to go through that. I know I am just supposed to trust God, and I am truly trying, but sometimes not knowing is so stressful. I want to be married right now, immediately. I want to come home to Nathan every night and cook dinner, and be so happy. And at the same time I am so scared. Terrified that we will repeat our own parents' mistakes. I know no one is perfect, but oh how I pray for a happy, smooth sailing marriage.
Sometimes I find myself bartering with God. Telling him that I will never do such and such ever again or I WILL do so and so again just to find out SOMETHING. When I don't hear an answer I am not surprised. I know that's not how it works, yet I still find myself bartering. Over and over. Pleading and crying. I know in good time things will be resolved in one way or another, but it's SO hard to wait. Terribly hard. My gift of indecisiveness drives me insane sometimes. I never know what I want. For a career, in love, in life, etc. But how do I deal with it? I can pray I guess.
Prayers.
I need prayers for my cousin Zach, who found out that he had a tumor in his lung the size of a tennis ball. We are praying it isn't cancer, but if it is, we pray that it hasn't spread and can be treated.
8.01.2012
love + growth
Nathan and I had an "old date". This meant meeting in Commerce, getting dinner, paroosing for books and shopping the outlet mall, and getting coffee and talking for hours, like we did when we were just starting to date and our love was just a little bud waiting to bloom!
It was my favorite night. Well, so far for this year. Yes, even better than my engagement night. See, I cherish and love the night of my engagement. I didn't know it was going to happen and he asked me to be his wife forever, but! Tonight. We talked so long about happy and wonderful things and about our growth in God and spirituality and how we want to raise our children and our ideals and how we want to learn from our parents and still be in love with each other even when we are 95 and date each other and surprise each other. We talked a lot about God. We both are going to read a lot and hold each other accountable of things. I fell deeper in love with this intelligent, spiritual, God fearing and convicted man tonight. His want to do everything "right" helps me with my growth, and if we have each others' backs we will do wonderfully.
I was listening to Chris Rice today (as I do often) and one line struck me and it hit home very much. In the song "Prone to Wander" he says "Freedom from myself will be the sweetest rest I've ever known". It's so true. I am my own worst enemy, and once I have this freedom, I will be able to be happy and carefree. Today was one of those days, and I was truly happy an enjoyed every second I was with Nathan. Not a worry crossed my mind and we didn't speak about wedding plans! It was a genuine date, one where we could enjoy each other and talk and laugh and take the stress away.
I am in love.
With God and Nathan and where my life and relationships and outlooks on life are going.
Thank you thank you thank you, God.
It was my favorite night. Well, so far for this year. Yes, even better than my engagement night. See, I cherish and love the night of my engagement. I didn't know it was going to happen and he asked me to be his wife forever, but! Tonight. We talked so long about happy and wonderful things and about our growth in God and spirituality and how we want to raise our children and our ideals and how we want to learn from our parents and still be in love with each other even when we are 95 and date each other and surprise each other. We talked a lot about God. We both are going to read a lot and hold each other accountable of things. I fell deeper in love with this intelligent, spiritual, God fearing and convicted man tonight. His want to do everything "right" helps me with my growth, and if we have each others' backs we will do wonderfully.
I was listening to Chris Rice today (as I do often) and one line struck me and it hit home very much. In the song "Prone to Wander" he says "Freedom from myself will be the sweetest rest I've ever known". It's so true. I am my own worst enemy, and once I have this freedom, I will be able to be happy and carefree. Today was one of those days, and I was truly happy an enjoyed every second I was with Nathan. Not a worry crossed my mind and we didn't speak about wedding plans! It was a genuine date, one where we could enjoy each other and talk and laugh and take the stress away.
I am in love.
With God and Nathan and where my life and relationships and outlooks on life are going.
Thank you thank you thank you, God.
7.30.2012
climbing
I'm still working towards my goal of a stress-free, worry-free, confident me!
I found another verse today that really made me smile and gave me a great comfort:
So why do we stray? It's like when things get better and start going awesome, we take it for granted, EVERY time. It makes me sad. I really want Nathan and I to establish a necessary, awesome relationship with God and base all of our decisions and our marriage off of him. I am going to super stay on this path and really try to keep it that way. I like being happy, and talking with Nathan and praying and learning about God makes me really, really happy.
Here's to becoming a better, stronger, more confident, loving woman!
I found another verse today that really made me smile and gave me a great comfort:
"When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."" - Psalm 30:6It just gives me more of a reason to find my peace. Once I find it, and feel secure, I will never be shaken again. I just need to get there. Sometimes it feels like fighting a battle that I will never win, but lately things have been a lot easier. If I have a bad moment, I pray or read or think about something else, and it seems to melt away. Today I was genuinely happy! I was reading and researching couples bible studies and devotionals (which Nathan and I both want to get into), and a really cool bible for engaged couples that I super want, and I printed out a little preview of Beth Moore's "So long insecurity" devotional/journal. I read a lot today, and it really helped. It always seems that when I hit a low place my heart knows that I need to get closer to God. When I come back to Him, my life is 100% better.
So why do we stray? It's like when things get better and start going awesome, we take it for granted, EVERY time. It makes me sad. I really want Nathan and I to establish a necessary, awesome relationship with God and base all of our decisions and our marriage off of him. I am going to super stay on this path and really try to keep it that way. I like being happy, and talking with Nathan and praying and learning about God makes me really, really happy.
Here's to becoming a better, stronger, more confident, loving woman!
brighter
My days have been brighter lately, and I am ever so thankful for it. It seemed that things were looking down and sad, which I hated!
Nathan and I went to church today and it was wonderful. It was a sermon about raising your children with a relationship and not with position or power, which is good food for thought when we become parents somewhere down the road! We relaxed, napped, grilled (well, Nathan did), and made more bunting! We organized our hundreds of plates that we are using for our wedding, and watched Kitchen Nightmares (we have our reality how guilty pleasures...), and talked and loved. It was wonderful! I love love love good days!
I have been praying a lot for growth, and I decided to start tithing tonight. God gave me my job when I most needed it, and he deserves it all. So, I am going with the general rule of 10% of everything that I make, and save for our wedding! I am praying for clarity and peace, and it's slowing getting there. I love my fiance, and I am so blessed! I ordered some books on growing closer with God and trusting him because this seems to be my biggest challenge. I get anxiety when I am out of control of my life, and I have to resolve myself to realize that I really am not in control, and that I need to pray and "give it all to God". I'm working on it.
Praying for many more blessed, happy days ahead with my fiance!
School starts in a few weeks!
Ahh!
Nathan and I went to church today and it was wonderful. It was a sermon about raising your children with a relationship and not with position or power, which is good food for thought when we become parents somewhere down the road! We relaxed, napped, grilled (well, Nathan did), and made more bunting! We organized our hundreds of plates that we are using for our wedding, and watched Kitchen Nightmares (we have our reality how guilty pleasures...), and talked and loved. It was wonderful! I love love love good days!
I have been praying a lot for growth, and I decided to start tithing tonight. God gave me my job when I most needed it, and he deserves it all. So, I am going with the general rule of 10% of everything that I make, and save for our wedding! I am praying for clarity and peace, and it's slowing getting there. I love my fiance, and I am so blessed! I ordered some books on growing closer with God and trusting him because this seems to be my biggest challenge. I get anxiety when I am out of control of my life, and I have to resolve myself to realize that I really am not in control, and that I need to pray and "give it all to God". I'm working on it.
Praying for many more blessed, happy days ahead with my fiance!
School starts in a few weeks!
Ahh!
7.28.2012
Insecurity
It's something that I struggle with, and I seem to have been struggling with it a lot more recently than I have in a long time. One incident brought back a world of hurt that happened in the past, and now I question everything. All the devotion, I compare myself to others, I feel not good enough, not even good enough to make it through the nursing program, or be a fit fiancée to my love, or a good enough servant to God. I am trying to fix this.
Nathan and I have been talking about marriage counseling, as we have both heard that it is the smart thing to do before you get married. I am both excited and scared at the same time. Surely things will be uncovered that we both do not want to talk about, but have to be talked about. But hopefully things will be resolved.
I am also going to do a lot of reading about restoring faith and security in yourself through God and prayer, and counseling if need be. I am not above counseling. Talking can help so, so much, and that's what I believe I need! I'm just so tired of feeling insecure. I shouldn't be.
I have a fiancé who is wonderful, and has only let me down once, a job, I got into and am still hanging in nursing school, I have family that love me very much, I have friends (though not as many or as near as I would like), and I'm not hideous. God gifted me with a bumpy nose and a scar forever reminding me of my close call with death, child birthing hips, long toes, speckled skin (speckled is nicer than acne and sunspots), lumpy legs, and little boobies. It's what I have. I am grateful to be alive, and I am not the fattest, or the skinniest, or the ugliest or the prettiest, or the fittest or the most sedentary person in the world. I should be grateful. There's not anything terribly wrong.
Some days I feel pretty, and others I want to hide my ugly mug. Some days I feel skinny, and other days I want to hide my "fat" under a giant sweatshirt. Some days I think about the best things and smile and laugh, and other days I think about my insecurities and trust issues and want to cry and hide in the bed under the covers. It's not an everyday thing, just a common thing, which any more than "rarely" is a problem. I am trying hard to remedy this.
I feel like my fiancé doesn't understand. It's much different to be a woman in this world than a man, let alone a Christian woman trying to do things right. I know that I shouldn't be envious or covet or compare myself. The Bible tells me so. I know that I should forgive and forget, because the Bible tells me so. And maybe that's why it is so hard. I do all of these things, and I have a hard time forgetting past crimes (in fact, they replay like films in my head, and I can remember every vivid, terrible detail). Not just recent ones but things that have happened years ago. Somehow I group them all together, and they play in a stream one after the other until I want to run away and cry. Literally run away. Like to the other side of the country (or world) and lose my phone, run away. Cut all ties to everything familiar. It's bizarre, but it's the only way I know to cope, is to ignore it.
I think I have finally ignored everything to the point of bursting. Everything has been collecting in my head and heart, and it's finally bursting at the seams. Anxiety is the result. An extreme anxiety that results in chest pains, sweating, and panic attacks. It's torture. If I can cure it with prayer and counseling alone, praise God. If I need medication, so be it.
We learned in nursing school that things like anxiety generally become a problem when aspects of your daily life (or activities of daily living) are compromised. Mine are. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get distant immediately at the thought of one of these things, I literally have to restrain myself from running away, and I can't sleep at night. It's horrific.
I need God, support from my fiancé, and lots of prayers.
I want to be whole again.
But this is hard.
Nathan and I have been talking about marriage counseling, as we have both heard that it is the smart thing to do before you get married. I am both excited and scared at the same time. Surely things will be uncovered that we both do not want to talk about, but have to be talked about. But hopefully things will be resolved.
I am also going to do a lot of reading about restoring faith and security in yourself through God and prayer, and counseling if need be. I am not above counseling. Talking can help so, so much, and that's what I believe I need! I'm just so tired of feeling insecure. I shouldn't be.
I have a fiancé who is wonderful, and has only let me down once, a job, I got into and am still hanging in nursing school, I have family that love me very much, I have friends (though not as many or as near as I would like), and I'm not hideous. God gifted me with a bumpy nose and a scar forever reminding me of my close call with death, child birthing hips, long toes, speckled skin (speckled is nicer than acne and sunspots), lumpy legs, and little boobies. It's what I have. I am grateful to be alive, and I am not the fattest, or the skinniest, or the ugliest or the prettiest, or the fittest or the most sedentary person in the world. I should be grateful. There's not anything terribly wrong.
Some days I feel pretty, and others I want to hide my ugly mug. Some days I feel skinny, and other days I want to hide my "fat" under a giant sweatshirt. Some days I think about the best things and smile and laugh, and other days I think about my insecurities and trust issues and want to cry and hide in the bed under the covers. It's not an everyday thing, just a common thing, which any more than "rarely" is a problem. I am trying hard to remedy this.
I feel like my fiancé doesn't understand. It's much different to be a woman in this world than a man, let alone a Christian woman trying to do things right. I know that I shouldn't be envious or covet or compare myself. The Bible tells me so. I know that I should forgive and forget, because the Bible tells me so. And maybe that's why it is so hard. I do all of these things, and I have a hard time forgetting past crimes (in fact, they replay like films in my head, and I can remember every vivid, terrible detail). Not just recent ones but things that have happened years ago. Somehow I group them all together, and they play in a stream one after the other until I want to run away and cry. Literally run away. Like to the other side of the country (or world) and lose my phone, run away. Cut all ties to everything familiar. It's bizarre, but it's the only way I know to cope, is to ignore it.
I think I have finally ignored everything to the point of bursting. Everything has been collecting in my head and heart, and it's finally bursting at the seams. Anxiety is the result. An extreme anxiety that results in chest pains, sweating, and panic attacks. It's torture. If I can cure it with prayer and counseling alone, praise God. If I need medication, so be it.
We learned in nursing school that things like anxiety generally become a problem when aspects of your daily life (or activities of daily living) are compromised. Mine are. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get distant immediately at the thought of one of these things, I literally have to restrain myself from running away, and I can't sleep at night. It's horrific.
I need God, support from my fiancé, and lots of prayers.
I want to be whole again.
But this is hard.
7.25.2012
Phillipians 4:6-9
This is giving me some peace today:
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.And closer and closer I need to be to pour my heart out to Him and him.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
7.23.2012
Summer is dwindling...
My summer is almost at an end. I don't want it to.
I got engaged to the most wonderful, caring, sweetest, most awesome man God could have ever placed with me. I got a job, I'm passing my classes, I've found out a lot about myself, and Nathan and I together, I've taken little trips, I've spent time with both sides of my family (forever family and future family!), I've laughed a lot and cried, I've lost hair from stress and I've been overjoyed with happiness. I've had the most fun planning for our wedding. The best nights for us are productive ones. My favorite are when we are at home, relaxing with each other, making bunting or looking at wedding things, and talking about everything under the sun and listening to Chet Baker and cooking dinner and dancing in the kitchen together. I love it!
Not saying that will end when summer does, but summer is a lot more peaceful than my fall, spring, and following summer will be. I normally hate the summer. And while I am not fond of the heat, I don't hate it as much. I guess I'm more comfortable with Nathan, even sweaty and without makeup and funky from being in the sun. Who knows?
I still have leaps and bounds to make for myself and for us as a married couple, and we do together, but we will do it. We both can't wait to make a home with each other, high in the mountains in a rugged little cabin with a tin roof. I can't wait to be married and sleep with my best friend every night. Kisses in the morning and when I shut my eyes to dream at night. I can't wait to have a little porch to sit out on with my husband and listen to him play guitar and sing songs unwritten and read together and enjoy each other in our peace and quiet before babies come. I can't wait to go to marriage counseling and do things right. The thought of coming home to Nathan every night and seeing those kind eyes and feeling those arms around me every single night makes me feel on top of the world, and I yearn for that! I have no patience when it comes to my future happiness with my husband!
Looking back on past blogs makes me smile. Hoping for another date with him and meeting his friends for the first time. Now we are planning a wedding. We have made it through some tough times, and I'm sure we will make it through some more. (Although I pray for clear skies and easy times for awhile.)
I guess with the closing of summer brings in the beauty of fall, which is my favorite blessing. Even though I'll be in school, I want to go camping, pick pumpkins, take engagement pictures, get lost in a corn maze, visit our coffee shop, roll in the leaves, take in the beauty. I want to visit the mountains and light a fire and sing and be held. I want lots of time with Nathan :)
I want to go to church every Sunday and sing and give thanks. I want to tithe and pray. I want our foundation to be based on faith in God. I want to grow this year.
My birthday is next month and I'll be 26. After that 27. Then 30, then 40, then 75. It goes by so fast. I am more and more trying to do things with my love and with my days because I do realize that I'm only young once. I want to take everything in. In the end, I want to have made a difference. In my own life, with my babies, in my husband's life, and strangers' lives. I need to grow myself before a lot of that can happen. I feel that Nathan and I help each other a lot. He got a new car, so there is less stress for him. Life is getting better.
I need to remember that everything will be okay.
I got engaged to the most wonderful, caring, sweetest, most awesome man God could have ever placed with me. I got a job, I'm passing my classes, I've found out a lot about myself, and Nathan and I together, I've taken little trips, I've spent time with both sides of my family (forever family and future family!), I've laughed a lot and cried, I've lost hair from stress and I've been overjoyed with happiness. I've had the most fun planning for our wedding. The best nights for us are productive ones. My favorite are when we are at home, relaxing with each other, making bunting or looking at wedding things, and talking about everything under the sun and listening to Chet Baker and cooking dinner and dancing in the kitchen together. I love it!
Not saying that will end when summer does, but summer is a lot more peaceful than my fall, spring, and following summer will be. I normally hate the summer. And while I am not fond of the heat, I don't hate it as much. I guess I'm more comfortable with Nathan, even sweaty and without makeup and funky from being in the sun. Who knows?
I still have leaps and bounds to make for myself and for us as a married couple, and we do together, but we will do it. We both can't wait to make a home with each other, high in the mountains in a rugged little cabin with a tin roof. I can't wait to be married and sleep with my best friend every night. Kisses in the morning and when I shut my eyes to dream at night. I can't wait to have a little porch to sit out on with my husband and listen to him play guitar and sing songs unwritten and read together and enjoy each other in our peace and quiet before babies come. I can't wait to go to marriage counseling and do things right. The thought of coming home to Nathan every night and seeing those kind eyes and feeling those arms around me every single night makes me feel on top of the world, and I yearn for that! I have no patience when it comes to my future happiness with my husband!
Looking back on past blogs makes me smile. Hoping for another date with him and meeting his friends for the first time. Now we are planning a wedding. We have made it through some tough times, and I'm sure we will make it through some more. (Although I pray for clear skies and easy times for awhile.)
I guess with the closing of summer brings in the beauty of fall, which is my favorite blessing. Even though I'll be in school, I want to go camping, pick pumpkins, take engagement pictures, get lost in a corn maze, visit our coffee shop, roll in the leaves, take in the beauty. I want to visit the mountains and light a fire and sing and be held. I want lots of time with Nathan :)
I want to go to church every Sunday and sing and give thanks. I want to tithe and pray. I want our foundation to be based on faith in God. I want to grow this year.
My birthday is next month and I'll be 26. After that 27. Then 30, then 40, then 75. It goes by so fast. I am more and more trying to do things with my love and with my days because I do realize that I'm only young once. I want to take everything in. In the end, I want to have made a difference. In my own life, with my babies, in my husband's life, and strangers' lives. I need to grow myself before a lot of that can happen. I feel that Nathan and I help each other a lot. He got a new car, so there is less stress for him. Life is getting better.
I need to remember that everything will be okay.
7.17.2012
confessions of a sort
I think a lot about past things accidentally that ruin my day. I need help to get over that. I have self esteem issues that stem from who knows when; but there are ideas. I pray and pray for a quiet mind, but it runs and goes and never stops. I think about things that have no bearing on where I am today and somehow make it matter. I hate that. I put characteristics of other people into people who don't deserve it. I have a general distrust of those I let get close to me. With matters of my heart anyway. I feel like I will eventually get hurt in the end by friends and lovers both, and I hate that too. I don't feel beautiful or adequate enough. I sleep both too little and too much. I probably need medication, but I'm scared. I love Nathan so much it hurts my little heart. He's my world and it scares me to give that power to someone other than myself. I have control issues. I have anxiety. I compare myself. I worry too much and do too little about it. I need a calm and a lot of prayer. I have wanderlust. I want to run away from everything and be a hippie and live in the wild with no phone or cares in the world. Seeing things happen on the news depresses and scares me. Seeing the lack of morality in the people around me scares me and makes me sad and lose hope. I want to be a woman of God. I want a super great, close relationship with Him and Nathan. I want to feel like I don't have to worry or be the same as everyone else. I want to get married. I want to work a job where I can be at home with my husband. I start to think that maybe nursing isn't for me. Just because I can do it doesn't mean my heart is in it. I want to cuddle my Tango. I want to travel. I want to be with Nathan 24/7. I wish I wasn't so scared that something is happening or may happen. I hate anticipating disaster. I hate losing sleep over things that happened in another chapter in my life years ago. I wish I could be happy all the time with what I have and who I am. I need sleep, but my brain won't let me.
All of these things go through my head at 50,000 miles per hour. In an instant I can cry and a good day can go to hell just as fast. It makes me sad. I need prayers and prayers and prayers.
All of these things go through my head at 50,000 miles per hour. In an instant I can cry and a good day can go to hell just as fast. It makes me sad. I need prayers and prayers and prayers.
7.15.2012
happenings
I haven't written lately! I know. I'm horrible! And so much has happened!
We booked the venue AND a photographer!
His name is John Shim, and this is his website: http://www.johnshim.com/
He's very talented and we are so happy that he is going to be shooting our wedding!
I have been super falling more and more in love with my fiance! It still feels amazing and awesome to say that! We have had crazy days lately. Just a lot of going and going and not much time for relaxing! We went crafting and got supplies to make bunting and went antiquing some more and he found some real cool suspenders this weekend that he is going to wear to the wedding!
We went to North Carolina to see his Poppy (mine too now I guess!) this weekend. Friday we went and finalized some stuff with our venue, which we were pleasantly surprised that it had been expanded for the same price that we paid for when it was smaller, then Saturday we drove up and spent the day walking and holding hands and spending time with family and eating way too much food. We went antiquing in Greensboro and got some delicious chai tea at a cool coffee shop where Santa was drawing pictures, found some cool stuff for Nathan, but not so much for me, but it's ok :) Today we went to church and ate more tons of good food and I am stuffed! We stopped at another antique store in Lavonia that was incredible, but we didn't have enough time to look at everything in there! It was humongous! Then we went and ate pizza and talked about married life and what we want and got some scratch off lotto tickets (I won 2 free tickets!) and laughed a lot :) We also locked my keys in the car this morning after church... but all ended up well with only a few bad words said. (Just kidding)
I started a new job at the school! It doesn't pay awesome, but the schedule is great and anything is better than nothing! Most of that money is going to go towards the wedding! I just want to get married right now. I love Nathan so much. He's the sweetest! The other day I was having a bad day (it happens...I'm a girl) and he kept calling me his cinnanom bun. Yes, cinnanom. So when he came over to see me he brought me some cinnamon doughnuts from Krispy Kreme :) He's wonderful! And I need to snatch him up quick and for forever!
I need to start working on my nursing stuff since I go back in less than a month... Oh man. Am I looking forward to it? Yes... and no. It was stressful and wonderful and I learned a lot, but it strained a lot. I lost social time, free time, fiance (then boyfriend!) time, and sleep. I lost a lot of sleep. But, I am looking forward to learning more and edging closer and closer to my degree. I need prayers!
G'night!
We booked the venue AND a photographer!
His name is John Shim, and this is his website: http://www.johnshim.com/
He's very talented and we are so happy that he is going to be shooting our wedding!
I have been super falling more and more in love with my fiance! It still feels amazing and awesome to say that! We have had crazy days lately. Just a lot of going and going and not much time for relaxing! We went crafting and got supplies to make bunting and went antiquing some more and he found some real cool suspenders this weekend that he is going to wear to the wedding!
We went to North Carolina to see his Poppy (mine too now I guess!) this weekend. Friday we went and finalized some stuff with our venue, which we were pleasantly surprised that it had been expanded for the same price that we paid for when it was smaller, then Saturday we drove up and spent the day walking and holding hands and spending time with family and eating way too much food. We went antiquing in Greensboro and got some delicious chai tea at a cool coffee shop where Santa was drawing pictures, found some cool stuff for Nathan, but not so much for me, but it's ok :) Today we went to church and ate more tons of good food and I am stuffed! We stopped at another antique store in Lavonia that was incredible, but we didn't have enough time to look at everything in there! It was humongous! Then we went and ate pizza and talked about married life and what we want and got some scratch off lotto tickets (I won 2 free tickets!) and laughed a lot :) We also locked my keys in the car this morning after church... but all ended up well with only a few bad words said. (Just kidding)
I started a new job at the school! It doesn't pay awesome, but the schedule is great and anything is better than nothing! Most of that money is going to go towards the wedding! I just want to get married right now. I love Nathan so much. He's the sweetest! The other day I was having a bad day (it happens...I'm a girl) and he kept calling me his cinnanom bun. Yes, cinnanom. So when he came over to see me he brought me some cinnamon doughnuts from Krispy Kreme :) He's wonderful! And I need to snatch him up quick and for forever!
I need to start working on my nursing stuff since I go back in less than a month... Oh man. Am I looking forward to it? Yes... and no. It was stressful and wonderful and I learned a lot, but it strained a lot. I lost social time, free time, fiance (then boyfriend!) time, and sleep. I lost a lot of sleep. But, I am looking forward to learning more and edging closer and closer to my degree. I need prayers!
G'night!
 |
| pretty walk at Poppy's house |
 |
| venue! |
 |
| suspenders! |
 |
| expanded venue! |
7.07.2012
Wedding shopping part 1
What I got today:
- countless dinner + dessert plates
- candle holders
- antique tea cups
- old antique tins
- a metal basket
- mirrors
- vases
- lace
- a cool little bottle
- an old picnic basket
- an older suitcase
- an old cigar box for Nate
- more little trinkets
I love this!
- countless dinner + dessert plates
- candle holders
- antique tea cups
- old antique tins
- a metal basket
- mirrors
- vases
- lace
- a cool little bottle
- an old picnic basket
- an older suitcase
- an old cigar box for Nate
- more little trinkets
I love this!
6.26.2012
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