verses

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.

There are days when I go completely crazy and I want to cry my eyes out and get away for a weekend of my own and pray and ask for everything to be revealed to me before I lose my head. Today was one of these days.

I have been enormously blessed for the past week and my prayers for peace and comfort have been answered. I have been the happiest I have been in awhile, and then today, I lost my peace. I think I am terrified of getting married and being "stuck". What happens if this isn't "right"? What happens if I get married and it's so much more difficult than it is now? I can't think of divorce as an option because I don't EVER want to have to go through that. I know I am just supposed to trust God, and I am truly trying, but sometimes not knowing is so stressful. I want to be married right now, immediately. I want to come home to Nathan every night and cook dinner, and be so happy. And at the same time I am so scared. Terrified that we will repeat our own parents' mistakes. I know no one is perfect, but oh how I pray for a happy, smooth sailing marriage.

Sometimes I find myself bartering with God. Telling him that I will never do such and such ever again or I WILL do so and so again just to find out SOMETHING. When I don't hear an answer I am not surprised. I know that's not how it works, yet I still find myself bartering. Over and over. Pleading and crying. I know in good time things will be resolved in one way or another, but it's SO hard to wait. Terribly hard. My gift of indecisiveness drives me insane sometimes. I never know what I want. For a career, in love, in life, etc. But how do I deal with it? I can pray I guess.

Prayers.

I need prayers for my cousin Zach, who found out that he had a tumor in his lung the size of a tennis ball. We are praying it isn't cancer, but if it is, we pray that it hasn't spread and can be treated.