Things and Worries and More

It's 7:00 in the morning and I have been up since midnight! Big giant sad face ;(

Mostly studying for my final today, kind of Christmas shopping, lots of thinking (which can be a bad thing), and lots of reading The Good Book, little sleep, lots of cuddling with my kitten, and a little hot chocolate (even though the weather is very much like Spring here...).

I am in a very hard place right now. Things in my life and other's lives are weighing on me. Family has caused Nathan and I some trouble and stress lately, my stomach is (cross my fingers) a little better, or has been the past couple of days, I am financially strapped, wishing I could do more for Christmas, I am hopelessly searching for jobs, and losing sleep.

Pre-marital counseling has been wonderful, although this last session I feel kind of blah. Dare I say it, worse than before? I think it is because I haven't really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my past. I find my mind wandering to places they shouldn't, in regards to past hurts, and God knows there's a lot of them with varying degrees of actual hurt involved. When I look back though, they all hurt the same. I have always battled self esteem problems, and as of late they are at a peak, causing me some really serious grief. I feel that I am pushing my partner away, and driving myself crazy. The hurt that I bring upon myself with memories and self-deprivation-of-my-happiness-talk is awful. I pray a lot about it, and the only thing that seems to help is prayer. I just feel like Nathan thinks I am crazy and doesn't understand. It's a horrible cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Throw on top of that all of my financial troubles, our impending wedding, school, lack of a real job, family issues, etc, things can get pretty crazy. I find that I really want to cry. Not all the time, but when I think of everything and think of how OVERWHELMING life is at the moment, that's when I want to cry. I need to just bawl. Like can't breathe, sob. I don't want to do it alone, but then I get embarrassed to do it in front of Nathan.

I want to truly feel beautiful, and like I'm worth keeping around and fighting for. Like my personality is worth something too. For some reason, I just don't. I feel like I'm the worst. And I hate that. I have these conflicting thoughts in my head where I try to feel good about myself, but then I sit and point out to myself every flaw that I can find. And then I worry that Nathan will find someone better, which makes me upset, which makes him upset, which makes fights happen, which makes me stress more. It's horrible. The question is, HOW do I fix it?

How can I get married when I feel this way? I love this man, but my distrust of everyone makes it very difficult to give everything away. If I harden just a piece of my heart, it won't ever get hurt. But then it never gets used, and then I always feel like I'm holding something back in preparation of something happening. Do I take a break? Do I run away? That won't fix a problem, but it could mend it temporarily. Sometimes the thought of a temporary mind vacation is very appealing. But I would lose my everything. I would lose Nathan, and I don't want that.

The things Nathan writes to me are amazing. They make me cry in a good way. If I could hear those things, then maybe my heart would rest. Having a heart to heart with him could really help things... but I hear the same things all the time. I feel like he doesn't know what to say, or can't say anything that sounds absolutely genuine. Not genuine in that he doesn't mean it, but genuine in that it's a profound something that's coming from his heart about how I am feeling. I need a good cry with him.

My heart is damaged. How to fix it? Go back through a childhood of hurt and stir up things that I never knew existed? Probably, and that may be what I am feeling now. Our counselors are brilliant, and maybe I am grieving something that happened. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been holding back my heart and I know what it has cost and that I don't know how to change it. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because when I hear Nathan say that I am beautiful, but I don't feel like he means it, or that it's true at all. I don't know. How do I know if what I am feeling is wrong, or if it is a gut feeling to run away? So many feelings... they make life difficult.

Apart from all of my feelings, Nathan took me to The Fox and we got dressed up to see The Nutcracker, which was amazing, although the evening was not particularly so. I got to see him play his Christmas show at church, which was a greater gift, honestly. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted every time I looked on up and saw him smiling at me from behind his trombone. If I could feel like that all the time, I'd be alright! I mean, I truly felt happiness at that moment. No gifting, no money spent, nothing overtly "special". But the fact that he was in his element of making music, and looking at me and smiling like he was proud... man. That really makes me want to cry. It's an incredible feeling when that happens, because unfortunately, I don't really feel that way often. Maybe it was because he was in a room with tons and tons of people, and making music, and with tons of people who were playing music, and it was his night, and yet, he still looked at ME. It truly made me feel special. I want that feeling every day of my life!

He has grown so much... I mean truly. I am so proud to call him mine! And that is what I am afraid of losing. Potentially the only really "good" man in my life. Something so treasured and everything that I have wanted and asked God for, and I am afraid that He will take him away, or let him walk away, or be led astray. It is my greatest fear; to be alone. I know I am not truly ever alone (God helps me a lot), but having my best friend be my almost-husband is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I could use a huge Nathan bear hug right about now. I would just cry and cry and feel better.

I go through these phases where I feel fantastic, so I kind of slack on church, and being involved with God. I think this is one of those harder places where I realize this; that I have to maintain a relationship and stand firm and go to church EVERY Sunday even if I don't want to get out of bed. I wish that I could physically hear from God that I am beautiful and that I am exactly what I am supposed to be and that Nathan is The One. Hearing that ultimate TRUTH would change everything, but I have not, or if I have, I have refused to hear it. I am a bitter, wounded woman, and I need to heal. I want to experience joy and happiness in my life every day, not just some days. I am really hoping that through prayer and talking with Nathan and understanding each others' needs and counseling that happy days are around the corner.

Fair fun!

Nathan came back! I am happy and whole again!

We spent Friday celebrating at Longhorn (yummy!) and then we went to the Fair with my mom and brother. We ate boiled peanuts (a first for me (and last)), pizza, corn dogs, ice cream, funnel cake, a turkey leg, and onion rings! Nathan won me a chihuahua (we found out it was actually Desperaux, but I am still calling him chihuahua), a banana, and a cat picture that says "I love you" in Comic Sans. Good, hokey fair fun! He also got me a cowboy hat for novelty value. We rode the Ferris wheel and another ride where I laughed my butt off out of terror. Seriously. It was wonderful!

This is our Fall Break at school until Wednesday, but I have a test Wednesday, and I have to work Tuesday, so I really only get one day off. Lame.

Anyway, I am probably going to meet Nathan for lunch at work today (since it's almost 1 in the morning), and clean my house a bit!

Nothing super exciting, but updates nonetheless.

Ferris wheel love!

:)

Me and my mom!

This corn dog was suggestive...

Me and my prizes that my fiance won for me :)

My NEW BOOTS! <3

Nathan with the Fox. Also getting the "bunny fingers".

One of our photos from In Sienk Photography!

love love love!

Things are bittersweet here.

Nathan and I had the most incredible weekend last weekend together. Nothing planned, but we went home to see my mom and actually pretty much spent the weekend alone! We got to cuddle, talk late into the night, laugh a lot, eat cupcakes, cruise the mall, AND on Sunday we actually got our wedding bands! Mine are (I got 2 ahh!) shiny and beautiful and vintage and amazing, and his is gorgeous and manly, and simple and so him. It warmed my very heart to see that ring on his finger! I'm used to seeing mine since I have had my shiny for a few months! I can't wait to make that man my husband! 

I passed all but one of my nursing tests (I failed by 2 points, something that I am actually relieved by after taking that research test... Dang).  I found my bridesmaids! Three sweet ladies from my nursing class are going to help me walk down the aisle! Who would have thought?! I have to get in hardcore saving mode.

Also, when I went home, the scale read 125 point something, but 125! Also, since then I have been a little lax eating Oreos and cream puffs from work! Work kills my diet. They are always making tasty treats! So, I actually bought a 400-calorie meal thing from Barnes and Noble this weekend, and I'm going to get back on track.

OH! And we had our engagement pictures made! They are beautiful! Well, the 3 preview pictures we had!
Our friend Carrie-Ann (who co-owns In Sienk Photography with her husband, Scott) took them, and they look wonderful! I cannot wait to get the rest back :)

Ahh! <3

With the ups, there are always downs, and we hit a low this week. I have unspoken prayer requests for my Mom and Dad. Financial trouble has been a HUGE burden on my family the last few years, and it doesn't seem to be lightening up anytime soon. Prayers are needed and appreciated! Also, Nathan's parents need some prayers too. We just need prayers all around!

Nathan and I are going to marriage counseling again next Saturday! I can't wait! But that also means that I need to get on the ball with my reading. I'm such a procrastinator it hurts. But, this really, really opened doors for us and I can't wait to learn and talk more with these Godly people and each other. This is going to do us wonders before we get married!

Speaking of which, yesterday was 13 months to the day of our marriage! Ahhh! I'll leave this post with that :)

The weekend that beats all weekends

Nathan and I had an incredible almost four days together exclusively. It was wonderful. My first giant slice of happiness happened on Friday when they let me go home from work almost 4 hours early! I went home and super cleaned (I needed it as much as my house needed it) and waited for Nathan to come over. I can't even remember all of the amazing things we ate and did this weekend! But let's see:
Friday night we tried to make it to Earth Fare in time to get some pizza. We missed it. So we kind of got lost driving to Chipotle, got some kind of okay food, drove to Gigi's, got four awesome cupcakes, and played an alphabet food game that we made up as we went. After dinner, we cuddled and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and marveled at how much Gene Wilder was acting so far ahead of his time. He's incredible! Also, I ate cupcake number one.

Saturday was the real start to our weekend, and it was a great one! We decided a long time ago that we wanted to go to pre-marital counseling before we get married. In preparation, both of us were asked to do some deep, childhood, soul searching, and left us begging for more. We both were eating this stuff up, talking about it and figuring out where we both were. Saturday was our first session, and there were lots of good tears, lots of encouragement, hope, and safety offered. It was wonderful. We both can't wait to go back next month! Nathan and I had both said that we really wanted to go every weekend of we could! It was very eye opening, and wonderful, and I am so excited for the changes that await us in the future! We had Chinese for lunch, and then after our unloading at the counseling session, we held hands and walked around the outlet mall just talking and window shopping. For dinner we we to pizza hut, and then we talked at Starbucks until we both almost fell asleep!

Sunday morning Nathan and I went to church. Andy Stanley has been doing the Guardrails series which was very influential to me a few years ago when he first started doing it, so I was glad that Nathan could share this with me. It was a very good, close to home topic that got me crying, but it was wonderful to see that we were nothing doing things to keep our relationship golden! After church we went to Goodwill and I got a new denim dress that I have been looking for, a few shirts, and even Nathan found a new shirt! I love thrifting! After that, we went to Target and Michaels, went to KFC, stuffed our faces, and watched Kitchen Nightmares and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I also ate cupcake number two. After the movie was over, we mushed together and asked each other questions to learn about each other and invented stories and laughed a lot. It's funny how you think you know someone, but you never think that you may not know the simplest of things. I forgot what Nathan's favorite color was, his favorite number, his favorite Harry Potter book, his favorite love song, etc. Things that let you know the person you are with. I treasure the moments like that.

Today, we got up early and went to Cracker Barrel after playing the ukulele and making some music, and walked around Kohl's before heading home to take a nap in the rain. We woke up, had an early dinner of leftovers, watched Kitchen Nightmares, cuddled , did our devotion, and ate the last two cupcakes (that means that I ate three of the four. Thanks, Nathan!).

I am stuffed, probably 5 pounds heavier, and totally, utterly, completely happy without a worry in the world. I get to marry this man!

love + growth

Nathan and I had an "old date". This meant meeting in Commerce, getting dinner, paroosing for books and shopping the outlet mall, and getting coffee and talking for hours, like we did when we were just starting to date and our love was just a little bud waiting to bloom!

It was my favorite night. Well, so far for this year. Yes, even better than my engagement night. See, I cherish and love the night of my engagement. I didn't know it was going to happen and he asked me to be his wife forever, but! Tonight. We talked so long about happy and wonderful things and about our growth in God and spirituality and how we want to raise our children and our ideals and how we want to learn from our parents and still be in love with each other even when we are 95 and date each other and surprise each other. We talked a lot about God. We both are going to read a lot and hold each other accountable of things. I fell deeper in love with this intelligent, spiritual, God fearing and convicted man tonight. His want to do everything "right" helps me with my growth, and if we have each others' backs we will do wonderfully.

I was listening to Chris Rice today (as I do often) and one line struck me and it hit home very much. In the song "Prone to Wander" he says "Freedom from myself will be the sweetest rest I've ever known". It's so true. I am my own worst enemy, and once I have this freedom, I will be able to be happy and carefree. Today was one of those days, and I was truly happy an enjoyed every second I was with Nathan. Not a worry crossed my mind and we didn't speak about wedding plans! It was a genuine date, one where we could enjoy each other and talk and laugh and take the stress away.

I am in love.
With God and Nathan and where my life and relationships and outlooks on life are going.

Thank you thank you thank you, God.

happenings

I haven't written lately! I know. I'm horrible! And so much has happened!
We booked the venue AND a photographer!
His name is John Shim, and this is his website: http://www.johnshim.com/
He's very talented and we are so happy that he is going to be shooting our wedding!

I have been super falling more and more in love with my fiance! It still feels amazing and awesome to say that! We have had crazy days lately. Just a lot of going and going and not much time for relaxing! We went crafting and got supplies to make bunting and went antiquing some more and he found some real cool suspenders this weekend that he is going to wear to the wedding!

We went to North Carolina to see his Poppy (mine too now I guess!) this weekend. Friday we went and finalized some stuff with our venue, which we were pleasantly surprised that it had been expanded for the same price that we paid for when it was smaller, then Saturday we drove up and spent the day walking and holding hands and spending time with family and eating way too much food. We went antiquing in Greensboro and got some delicious chai tea at a cool coffee shop where Santa was drawing pictures, found some cool stuff for Nathan, but not so much for me, but it's ok :) Today we went to church and ate more tons of good food and I am stuffed! We stopped at another antique store in Lavonia that was incredible, but we didn't have enough time to look at everything in there! It was humongous! Then we went and ate pizza and talked about married life and what we want and got some scratch off lotto tickets (I won 2 free tickets!) and laughed a lot :) We also locked my keys in the car this morning after church... but all ended up well with only a few bad words said. (Just kidding)

I started a new job at the school! It doesn't pay awesome, but the schedule is great and anything is better than nothing! Most of that money is going to go towards the wedding! I just want to get married right now. I love Nathan so much. He's the sweetest! The other day I was having a bad day (it happens...I'm a girl) and he kept calling me his cinnanom bun. Yes, cinnanom. So when he came over to see me he brought me some cinnamon doughnuts from Krispy Kreme :) He's wonderful! And I need to snatch him up quick and for forever!

I need to start working on my nursing stuff since I go back in less than a month... Oh man. Am I looking forward to it? Yes... and no. It was stressful and wonderful and I learned a lot, but it strained a lot. I lost social time, free time, fiance (then boyfriend!) time, and sleep. I lost a lot of sleep. But, I am looking forward to learning more and edging closer and closer to my degree. I need prayers!

G'night!

pretty walk at Poppy's house

venue!

suspenders!

expanded venue!

I'm ENGAGED

I never thought I'd say it! Ever!

Nathan asked me to marry him! I am the happiest woman in the world, and I'm still in shock. It feels like a dream.

It's not the typical story where the man goes out and gets flowers and takes her out to dinner and says sweet nothings in her ear and then asks her to be with him forever.

Mine was different.

Nathan came over after working all day, and we were both tired and I was slightly irritable. We went to the mall to pick up his tux for his friend's wedding this Sunday. It was more than he expected, and he was in a foul mood after that. After we got back home to my house, we sat on the couch and broke down in tears. Both of us. I had started to give up on the thought of being engaged based solely on the fact that we don't have enough money to live together after the fact. Nathan felt awful, and I felt awful and we cried and cried. I told him I wanted nothing more than to marry him, but I just didn't see it happening anytime soon because of our situation. I told him we could go to the courthouse and get married and that I didn't need special. He told me that he didn't want that for me. He wanted to see me walk down an aisle in a dress and be his wife. We cried and cried.

Finally, we were both spent from crying, hugged and said I love you'd and he left. About 2 minutes later, I heard someone unlocking the door. I thought maybe he forgot something, and I guess in a way he did.

He came in and got on the floor. Both knees, mind you, and crying, asked me if I would marry him. I couldn't even think straight. I just started crying. I couldn't breathe! All I saw was this amazing man that I loved holding a gorgeous ring, all for me. I said yes.

The rest of the night involved calling parents and grandparents and informing everyone on Facebook.

It still feels like a dream. I'm his FIANCÉ. I'm going to be his WIFE. He picked me and I picked him. We are going to be forever together. Family.

I am beyond words as to how I feel. I hear Nathan call me his fiancé and I smile so big it hurts my cheeks. I look at the beautiful ring on my finger and think about how much he must have saved up and for how long. How long he must have known that he wanted to marry me, and I smile huge again.

Even though it wasn't an engagement like in the movies, I couldn't have asked for a better one. After seeing me angry, and bare faced, and unkempt with bloodshot, soaked eyes, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. In that raw, vulnerable state, he saw me for me at one of my worst times, and he still wanted me. He didn't even wait a day after picking that ring up. He wanted me to be his, and he didn't hesitate.

Knowing that makes me love him more than any kind of wedding could ever symbolize. But we can sure try.

In a little more than a year, I will be Mrs. Nathan O'Brien, and God couldn't have blessed me with a better man to spend the rest of my days with.

for nathan.

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yesterday

Yesterday was wonderful! Nathan and I texted (text?) all day and I got back on a regular sleep schedule! But what's better than that was we went to dinner, sang the Avett Brothers, kissed and cuddled in the restaurant like love birds, and I cheated on my diet (It was delicious. I forget what real food taste like sometimes), and then when we came home we had REAL blackberry cobbler that Nathan made for me! (It's extra special because he has battle wounds from fire ants and bushes because he PICKED them himself out of his yard -- What a man!)

It was delicious, and we cuddled until almost midnight, and then we had to say goodbyes. I hate those!

I get to see him again tonight for dinner at his house with his parents and Saturday is our one year and four month anniversary! It feels longer, and yet at the same time not as long as that. I love this man. We have gone through a lot together in this year and almost 4 months, and we have grown a lot. I see it a lot in Nathan. He has surprised me so much. He's sweet, and honest, and amazing, and always doing little sweet things for me, and he's grown into quite the man.

I like the words to this song. My boyfriend could sing it better, I think (and not as twangy).

"Elegant and soft
Feminine as you ought
One with earth and one with God
Won't you please forgive me
Won't you please forgive me

As the daylight sinks
As I fail to stop and think
Once I cursed the things I've done
Won't you please forgive me
Won't you please forgive me

Young bride take my name
Burn the questions burn the shame
You don't have to live by them
Won't you please forgive them
Won't you please forgive them

Sleep well when the night time falls
Wait 'till morning when I call
Don't believe the bad you saw
Won't you please forgive them

Tenderness and grace
How you've come this place
However dangerous or safe
I'll find within you
I'll find within you"

OMG, and this one:

 

I saw this cool thing from Pinterest from Wedding Chicks where you can make your own little monogram/initial iPhone paper, so of course I had to do it. Here it is! (and me getting ready for our date night out).

knights

Yesterday Nathan, my brother, my mom, and myself indulged in the Renaissance fair in Atlanta. It was so fun! I had been the year before with my brother, but it was better with everyone :) I ate a giant turkey leg and funnel cake straws and a deep fried Oreo! Nate got knighted and got real good at archery, my brother got an ocarina, my mom got a souvenir shirt, and I got a little head crown flower thing that Nate picked out and a little flag from the joust... jousting? I dunno, but it was fun despite my sunburn and perpetual full belly.

I weighed today and I'm down to 128! Crazy considering my goal was 135. Now it's 125, and I'm almost there! It's bizarre that I can't eat how I used to anymore. The sheer amount of food that I ate was... American. I loved every bit of it! Food is wonderful, and it's taken me a LONG time to learn that you can indulge in small quantities. It was just hard to retrain myself after 25 years of eating tons and tons of food.

Anyway, then Nate and I drove home and talked about everything ever pretty much. The day before yesterday was a rough one after a misunderstanding, and being able to understand one another yesterday made me happy. I have learned what a wonderful person Nathan is. I mean, I already knew, but things he told me that he didn't have to solidifies that and really helps me get over my trust hump that I can't seem to fully get over. (I have been cursed with not being able to trust a soul with my heart and it's taking time to try to not live that way!) We talked about family, God, marriage, morals, values... everything. It made me cry, in a good way. Then I got home and Nathan told me to check my mail. He had written me a letter that made me super cry again, in a good way.

I am so blessed to have him and I never ever want to be without him. He is my best friend and my heart and I can't thank God enough for placing us together. I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.

this makes me the happiest girl in the world

No more traveling :)

God has answered my prayers! It may have taken a year, but it happened! After all the tears and worrying, God was taking care of us this whole time.

the happiest

Well, I had a busy day!

No sleep (because of Tango...) and then I went on a cleaning rampage to eradicate these little flea bastardos that have been inhabiting on my couch and my cat. I sprayed all the baseboards, and bombed the house and washed and vacuumed everywhere with flea powder. I am PRAYING so hard that I have finally killed these things.

After that I went to the gym and realized how out of shape I am, and then Nate came over and we made stuffed peppers, and went to Menchies and cuddled and just hung out at home and sang and laughed and it was the most perfect. I love nights like this one. Just being with him makes me realize what a lucky soul I am to have a wonderful man like Nathan. He's selfless and wonderful and just does his best to make me happy, and I try to do the same for him, but wow. He knocks it out of the park! He's just the sweetest and I love nothing more than looking at him and just taking it all in while we are just relaxing.

He's got my heart!

in the woods

I can't sleep normal hours anymore for some reason and it makes me sad! I was exhausted at 11 last night and slept until 3. So awful. It's like 4 hours is my cap, and then I'm exhausted all day! Meh.

Well, I had an escape this weekend to a little old cabin in the woods with my love. It was a perfect cabin surrounded by trees and nature and quiet and rain. I loved it! Everything was so much cooler up there, both literally and figuratively. It was like 60 degrees at night and 70 during the day, thunderstorms at night and no rain during the day, and a hot tub in the middle of the forest with the fireflies! It was wonderful.

We cooked a big breakfast with pancakes and maple sausage and hashbrown casserole and orange juice in fancy glasses and listened to jazz music and held hands. We caught up on sleep and watched Star Wars and my Nate when he was little and SO ADORBS. We ate pizza and ice cream and junk food and wrote in the guest book and laughed and and and it was wonderful!

We ventured out to look at antique stores the second day, but most places were closed on Mondays in that little old town :) The ones we did find open were more of a catch-all of homemade gifts, thrift stores, and had little to do with antiques. But we laughed at things and held hands and probably told each other hundreds of times that we love each other. It was fun!

We drove back and stopped at a mountain center and saw all of this real cool AT hiking stuff and it reaffirmed how bad I want to just quit life for 8 months or so and hike it. I'd be in real good shape by the end if I made it to Maine! It would be a real bonding experience for sure! With both Nate and nature :) Maybe after I graduate and before I have to pay back mountains of loans :)

The rest of the time I was perpetually tired. We grabbed sandwiches, went thrifting for a VCR for Nate, and then I had to get my brakes fixed because it sounded like I was dragging the Tin Man behind my car when I drove. At the time I was irritated that I had to spend 2 hours in the repair shop and 150 dollars on brakes, but looking back, Nathan and I talked a lot about a lot of things. At the time they seemed like just regular old conversations, about everything and nothing. But really, it makes me realize how lucky I am to know and be with my best friend. He knows me inside and out. He calms me down when I get heated, he knows my heart, we both are on the same page. We talked about getting married and all that goes with that, along with fibromyalgia, somatiform disorder, autism, wheat (apparently people think it's evil), etc. Just everything.

The thought of marriage is scary. I used to be so ready for it, and now that I feel it is approaching soon (I don't know when, but I know he's the one), it's so scary. I've been burned a few times, and had my share of serious heartbreak, more than the average young lady, and it's compounded into a big ball of good/worry/panic. I never want to lose Nathan. He is my rock and my best friend and I am absolutely in love with him. The thought of something happening to him is something so overwhelming that I can't even describe beyond that. Yet, the thought of being bound forever to one person and trusting them with your being is so scary! I know marriage is hard, and that's scary too. Also coming from a household of divorce is looming over my head as I do not ever want that! I know that I'm just terrified of hurt, and I'm going to have to get over that. I know God has placed me with the best man for me, and I have to trust that. But there's that word again... TRUST. Trusting is hard to do when you have a panic attack when things are out of your control, ex: nursing school. I'm still suffering from PTSD after last semester!

I want to be his wife, and although I'm scared, I'm not unsure. I know he's a wonderful man, and while not perfect human beings (since there is no such thing), we are perfect for each other. I am just going to have to seriously work on letting go of my worry and past and stress. Easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere!

Man, this weekend was full of revelations.

Also, I have known Nate for a year and 3 months today. I love him so!

the best

I had the best day! I always have the best days when I can be with Nate, especially when they are impromptu dates! He always makes me the happiest and I can forget all of my troubles when I'm with him. He's simply the sweetest man!I love talking with him and hugging him and just BEING with him. I have been blessed.

boyfriend face & music & cupcakes

I kept waking up all night. Such is the problem with nursing school. My stress level has been over 9000 since starting this semester. I wake up all the time, at all hours, with bizarre dreams. Can I not express how much I need for this semester to be over?! Prayers prayers prayers.

Last night I got to see (and kiss!) my boyfriend's naked face since he shaved his beard off. It was weird and wonderful at the same time.

somber & love

Today I wrote a 6 page paper for med surg and I'm not done. I took a nap.

I also went to see Nathan's grandma, Mama Lou.

She's just one of the sweetest women I've ever met and I'm glad that I got to know her even for a little bit before her decline. She has cancer, and she's being so strong. Her faith in God astounds me. Nathan and I were talking about this the other day. She said that things are the way that God wants them to be and everything would work out. This woman who is dying of cancer, is stronger than I have ever been to even speak that. It's the bravest thing to be able to say that and have faith the way that she does.

Nathan took the sweetest picture of her and her husband, his Papa Sam, praying together. It's inspiring, sad, humbling, and love.

It was so nice to be able to talk with her and just sit and be. She wanted Nathan to play the piano immediately when we came in, and he did. His playing always makes me tear up because it's so beautiful, but watching her just take in the music was amazing. I could tell it was just what she wanted and needed to hear. I can just see how much it makes her whole day to hear him play.

I need to appreciate what I have in my life. If I can live to be as faithful and happy and wonderful as Mama Lou, then I'll be truly blessed.

hawaiian pizza & fairytale houses

I had a fantastic and a rough weekend at the same time. It can happen, amazingly enough. And when it's rough, it can be over in an instant, like a quick storm. Lots of tears, and lots of hugs, and lots of everything will be alright.

And it will.

I have a week of class left, and then 3 days of finals. All I can do is thank GOD and pray that He helps me to pass my med surg class. For some reason, I am having a really hard time in there, teetering on the edge of failure and passing. My professor seems confident, but it is terrifying to me that I could fail. After finals, I have a couple of weeks until my internship starts. I will absolutely relish in the time that I have off to do absolutely nothing! However, I do have two classes that I have to take this summer. Spanish II and Public Speaking. Two classes I am not thrilled to be taking. However, it will be time I need away from the stress of nursing school and to focus on my relationships and God and taking in life and being appreciative rather than complaining of burnout.

rough days

I can't wait for school to be over.

I super enjoy my mental health clinicals... for the most part. The hardest thing is watching children- KIDS- talking about sexual abuse that they have endured, and acting out, and trying to kill themselves, and just messing up their lives, and other people ruining them... It's just hard. That on top of 3 tests this week, numerous projects, and no time, my nerves are pretty much shot. Thank goodness for my hero of a boyfriend. We are going on a mountain date! Those are the best dates. I get to breathe in the fresh air, drink coffee, play mancala, listen to Nathan play guitar, people watch, and just take it all in. I can't wait to live in the mountains someday!

It's seriously the best. Mountains, the one I love, and peace :) I couldn't think of a more perfect place! Rain or shine :) I love it I love it I love it!

God, please get me through this week!
And prayers are welcomed for my upcoming Med Surg and 2 OB tests this week. Thanks!

i'm happy

SO HAPPY!

I can't even really put into words just how happy I am, but I will certainly try.
I had a terrible week about two weeks ago. School was killing me, and killing my relationships with everyone. I just needed something to dig me out of this depressive slump that I was in. I had tons and tons of things on my mind that just piled up into a big mess. I'm talking seriously apathetic and depressive. It was sad.

So, I decided I needed time to myself. Last week was Spring Break, and I went to Savannah with my bestie for a couple of days. I had a ton of fun and took some photos and ate good food and listened to good music and enjoyed the perfect weather. I kept seeing couples and getting sad. At this point I hadn't seen Nathan in 4 days. It doesn't seem that long, but we left on a not so great note because of my stressed out craziness, and I missed him like crazy. I was still hoping and praying for that "thing", whatever that was, to pull me out of the slump.

Enter Nathan O'Brien.

We spent the next 3 days together, essentially starting over. Learning things we never knew about each other, people watching in Helen, holding hands, just being with each other and listening to jazz, making up stories, laughed. Laughing. That's the best sound to my ears. We hummed and sang and tried new food and went antiquing and didn't waste a moment with each other.
We went to my favorite coffee shop in Sautee and played mancala and drank coffee. I listened to Nathan play on the guitar. I couldn't stop smiling. I fell in love again.

I feel more alive and happy than I have in a long time. I have that feeling like when we first started dating and I couldn't wait to hear from him. We fell in love again. His laugh makes me laugh and smile and I just want to hold him forever. God brought us together, and we are both determined to keep it that way, and knowing that brings me the most peace I could ever ask for.

I am in love with this man.

best weekend!

This weekend I went home with Nathan to see my mom and my brother! It's been a long time since we both got to go home, so it was wonderful! We went to Longhorn and ate the best food, and played music and drew on our old etch-a-sketch that we found (some of us were better than others...) which super made us laugh, and then on Saturday I adopted a kitten!

Pardon my hair, but meet Tango!

He's such a little love bunny (kitten)! He's the sweetest! Well, except for when we were trying to leave and he got under the bed and INTO the box spring... needless to say we were a little late to drive an hour and a half to Nate's house to eat dinner! I think he's a little jealous of Tango... but tonight he loved all over him. He'll get used to it ;)

We stayed up at Nate's house until like, one in the morning. I am far too old for that, and Nate would agree. But we had fun eating burritos and talking a lot about family and things with his mom (while Tango was sleeping on our laps... did I mention how wonderful he is?).

Then Sunday I got up early and cleaned my room so Tango wouldn't get lost in my disarray, and took a nap with Tango in my armpit, and then Nathan came over and we explored downtown Athens. I super love doing that now! I don't know why, but I used to hesitate to explore downtown. I just wasn't into it. But I love just having my boyfriend on my arm and no ideas in our head to where we are going, and we just wing it! They are the best dates! We were both super hungry so we went to the Transmetropolitan, which Nate had been to before, but I hadn't. I got some pasta that was AMAZING, and he got a chicken panini that looked pretty great too. I think we are going to try somewhere new next time we go downtown.

We had a super long talk about ex's and things... it wasn't a terrible conversation, and it definitely wasn't heated or anything. I don't really even remember what got us talking about it, but it was kind of enlightening. It definitely made me realize again how lucky I am to have met Nathan after praying and praying and praying for God to send me the right man for my heart! I take these things for granted sometimes, and just talking about our pasts made me realize how much we both have grown; even in the past year of knowing each other. I am especially proud of Nathan. He seems to have grown into a super wonderful man in the past year. He's becoming more sure of himself, putting priorities in order, etc. I like to think that I helped with that, but that's being cocky ;)

Seriously though, it was an overall good talk. I think a lot of my growth happened over the two years from 2009 to the end of 2010. I had a lot of loss in 2008 and kind of lost my mind. Getting back into church and solidifying my faith in God made ALL of the difference in my life. I knew that I couldn't get anywhere good without giving it all to God. My faith never really faded or was lost; it was just realizing what exactly being a woman of Christ meant. I had a friend bring me to the door, and I went through, and after prayers and not thinking about finding someone for awhile, God led me to the right one through a very unlikely door. And I am ever so grateful for it.

Also, notice that it is 2:00 a.m. and I have to be at a clinical at 6:30. My roommate's cat has a bell on her collar (DUMB... she doesn't even go outside. What the heck do you need that for?) and she came prancing in my room to get Tango and woke us up. Tango has no problem falling back asleep. I on the other hand...

ANYWAY, then Nathan and I went home after paroosing downtown and drinking some Starbucks and watching hipsters and cuddled with Tango and did some Mad Libs which made me realize how much the "S" word makes me giggle when used as an adjective. Seriously, I try not to cuss (or curse), but that word is just so funny when used in certain sentences.I need a big ol' giant book of those so that I can belly laugh all the day long instead of studying for Psych or Med-Surg. When am I going to be done with school?! Guh.

So, it was the best weekend I have had in a long while. ALSO, I WEIGH 136! I'm still not happy. I'm so dumb. I remember when I weighed like 150 and I said, man, I really wish that I weighed 135. I'd be so happy! But, I'm a pound away and am really hoping for more of 125. Being a woman blows. Good thing I have a supportive boyfriend who thinks that I'm pretty no matter what I say about myself. What a gentleman!

Oh, and I'm making a bucket list of sorts on Pinterest since everyone else is and I think it's kind of cool.

Long post is over. I have to cuddle with Tango and try to sleep for 3 hours or something.