for nathan.

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the happiest

Well, I had a busy day!

No sleep (because of Tango...) and then I went on a cleaning rampage to eradicate these little flea bastardos that have been inhabiting on my couch and my cat. I sprayed all the baseboards, and bombed the house and washed and vacuumed everywhere with flea powder. I am PRAYING so hard that I have finally killed these things.

After that I went to the gym and realized how out of shape I am, and then Nate came over and we made stuffed peppers, and went to Menchies and cuddled and just hung out at home and sang and laughed and it was the most perfect. I love nights like this one. Just being with him makes me realize what a lucky soul I am to have a wonderful man like Nathan. He's selfless and wonderful and just does his best to make me happy, and I try to do the same for him, but wow. He knocks it out of the park! He's just the sweetest and I love nothing more than looking at him and just taking it all in while we are just relaxing.

He's got my heart!

nothing goes as planned

     This was a very hard week/weekend.

     I went on a trip with Nathan, as he had to go to Florida on business anyway, so we were going to go to the beach! Nothing really went as planned.

     The beach was cold and windy, we were both in foul moods, we got sunburned, and other issues arose.
And then the worst happened: Nathan's sweet grandma, Mama Lou passed away this morning.

“Death opens a door out of a little, dark room (that's all the life we have known before it) into a great, real place where the true sun shines and we shall meet.”- C.S. Lewis

     She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and I am glad that I knew her while I did. I wish that I had known Nathan longer, because I love him, but also because I would have known her more. She was just so genuinely nice and wonderful from the moment I met her. Nathan would tell me stories of her that reminded me of my own grandma, and I loved her as if she was my grandma. Mama Lou was really strong, especially in the end. She knew where she was going, and she wasn't afraid of it. She embraced it! She kept her sense of humor and so alert and oriented to everything around her until her serious decline. I am glad that I got to see her and talk with her and hear stories about her from Nathan. I am so sad for Nathan and his family because I know for sure how hard it is to lose someone you love, but at the same time I am relieved for Mama Lou. She is in Heaven and watching over everyone, and I find peace in that. I am sad though that I didn't get to know her more. It's sad that it's human nature to not realize what you have until it's gone. I do realize this with some people (my immediate family, and Nathan), and I spend as much time as I can with them. I know what it's like to have a sudden loss, and a gradual one. I can't imagine living with Nathan for 50 years and then losing him. He is already my best friend and I hate being even one day away from him now. I just can't even fathom the connection that you would have with someone that you lived with and were still in love with years and years after you first met. The person that you went through everything with, raised children with... just gone. The heartache must be incredible, and I am praying for Papa Sam.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S.Lewis

     Death is never fun, but I can say that every time a life is lost, especially one that I knew, it makes me realize just how much I have in the relationships with people in my life. I don't know that I would do if I lost Nathan. He's my everything! Everything I do, I have him in mind. I get pretty for him in the morning, I laugh with him, I tell him secrets that I have never told anyone, I pray with him, I talk to him all day, every day. I can't imagine never waking up to hear his voice again, or old his hand, or rest my head on his chest. Never smelling him again, or hearing his laugh, or feeling his hugs... ugh! It makes me cry just thinking about it. The loss of that would devastate me, and I pray that I never have to go through that. It seems so selfish to wish to pass away before your significant other so you don't have to deal with the loss of the other half of yourself, but I am not too big headed to admit that I am too fragile and weak to recover from that.

     I am just praying for peace of mind for his family, and comfort and support for his grandfather, and good memories of Mama Lou for her children and grandchildren.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

mother's day and photos

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful, fantastic, loving mom's out there. (Mine's the best, but I guess I'm partial).

I got my mom flowers, took her out to dinner, and the kitten that she had been eyeballing for weeks! He is the most adorable, and he almost squeals when he meows because he's so tiny! I call him The Ewok.

His name is Scout, as in To Kill a Mockingbird.

He is so adorable, and only weighs about a pound and a half! So tiny!

 My boyfriend wrote me a letter while I was gone and I got in the mail yesterday! It was so sweet! I LOVE getting letters in the mail! Old fashioned, sit down to write, ink and paper letters. It just shows you that they were thinking about you enough to take the time to write something. I love it!
So, this is me now, on this rainy day, sitting at my jewelry making desk, re-reading my love letter, over and over:

<3

I seriously have the sweetest boyfriend ever. He is patient, kind, sweet, funny, thoughtful, and just perfect for me! I can't wait to marry him someday! Besides the sweet handwritten note, he made me a little picture card thing of us when we were kids, and a mushy message (but that part is just for me).

We were messy children.

Nathan could have possibly been the cutest kid in the world. We were watching videos of when he was a kid, and he was so adorable! AHHH! I want to go back in time and pinch his cheeks!

Also since I am trying to keep track of my hair growth, I took another picture to show how much it has grown in the 2 weeks since I got it cut!

Mehhhhhh

The front is getting long, and the back is almost to the point where I could let it grow and not look like a mullet. Grow hair, grow! What I wouldn't give to have a long long braid right about now. I also am starting something that some will think is gross. It's been known as going au natural, no-poo, or just lazy.
I quit shampooing  my hair.

What I used to feel like.

Well, that's a lie. I wash it with real shampoo maybe once a month. I started doing this when I cut my hair off. My hair, although always pretty long, was greasy at the root and super fried and dry on the ends. No matter how much hair product and oils I put on the ends, they would just soak it up and still look fried, but feel ultra greasy. That in turn, made my face break out and me a very unhappy camper. So, I cut my hair off, mostly to start over with virgin hair, and partially because I wanted something new. I noticed that with the healthy hair (I had been growing out my roots for months), I didn't HAVE to wash everyday. Then I went to 3 days. Then 4. By the 4th day, things can get a little unruly. Instead of washing it with shampoo I thought, what if I just wash it with conditioner? It wouldn't strip my hair, but it would gently clean it and make it smell good... or it will make it a giant greaseball and I just wash it again with shampoo. No biggie.
To my amazement, it turned out wonderful! Shiny hair that wasn't greasy, stinky, or gross. It just looks healthy! I washed it with shampoo a week or so ago just to get it completely clean again, but after looking online, apparently people just wash with baking soda and apple cider vinegar (or make their own shampoo). I'm going to try the baking soda one, just because it's cheap. But I want to grow my hair out this time healthy and not brittle or dry. I'll let you know how it works out! I'm trying to get boyfriend to do it too, since he has the coarsest, thickest hair ever (and I'm really jealous because I have a lot of fine hair that gets damaged if you look at it wrong. Also, Nate has the prettiest eyelashes in the world. I want them.)

Well, I'm going to go do things today. Maybe give my cat a flea bath. And then maybe go celebrate Mother's day with Nate's family. (That sounds awful that I'm not with my mom, but I was just with her and my brother for a week to celebrate today and her birthday!)

Cheers!

summer nights in spring

I have been on a "diet" for 6 days now. I'm not calling it a diet though because even though it's really hard, I feel so much better about eating better! I've been "calorie counting" for 6 days straight now with NO cheating! It's been great! Hopefully I can stay this way! Once I get to where I want to be I will be able to eat to "maintain" which means more calories allotted for my mouth.

My sweetest boyfriend got me a grill yesterday! It's a little baby tabletop grill, and he grilled some hot dogs up and I made onions and mushrooms and corn and heated up some sauerkraut and it was the best! I have a feeling we will be grilling a lot! Then we did mad libs while we ate and hung out on the couch. It's only the best thing ever. I have a feeling that this will be my favorite Summer yet. :)

I had a crazy day in clinicals today, school is about to get mondo hard and taking up a bulk of my time, and it's almost Nathan's birthday! I have to find him something! Ok, I have homework to do.

I'm happy, it's warm, and I'm in loooooooooovvvvveee!

i'm happy

SO HAPPY!

I can't even really put into words just how happy I am, but I will certainly try.
I had a terrible week about two weeks ago. School was killing me, and killing my relationships with everyone. I just needed something to dig me out of this depressive slump that I was in. I had tons and tons of things on my mind that just piled up into a big mess. I'm talking seriously apathetic and depressive. It was sad.

So, I decided I needed time to myself. Last week was Spring Break, and I went to Savannah with my bestie for a couple of days. I had a ton of fun and took some photos and ate good food and listened to good music and enjoyed the perfect weather. I kept seeing couples and getting sad. At this point I hadn't seen Nathan in 4 days. It doesn't seem that long, but we left on a not so great note because of my stressed out craziness, and I missed him like crazy. I was still hoping and praying for that "thing", whatever that was, to pull me out of the slump.

Enter Nathan O'Brien.

We spent the next 3 days together, essentially starting over. Learning things we never knew about each other, people watching in Helen, holding hands, just being with each other and listening to jazz, making up stories, laughed. Laughing. That's the best sound to my ears. We hummed and sang and tried new food and went antiquing and didn't waste a moment with each other.
We went to my favorite coffee shop in Sautee and played mancala and drank coffee. I listened to Nathan play on the guitar. I couldn't stop smiling. I fell in love again.

I feel more alive and happy than I have in a long time. I have that feeling like when we first started dating and I couldn't wait to hear from him. We fell in love again. His laugh makes me laugh and smile and I just want to hold him forever. God brought us together, and we are both determined to keep it that way, and knowing that brings me the most peace I could ever ask for.

I am in love with this man.

best weekend!

This weekend I went home with Nathan to see my mom and my brother! It's been a long time since we both got to go home, so it was wonderful! We went to Longhorn and ate the best food, and played music and drew on our old etch-a-sketch that we found (some of us were better than others...) which super made us laugh, and then on Saturday I adopted a kitten!

Pardon my hair, but meet Tango!

He's such a little love bunny (kitten)! He's the sweetest! Well, except for when we were trying to leave and he got under the bed and INTO the box spring... needless to say we were a little late to drive an hour and a half to Nate's house to eat dinner! I think he's a little jealous of Tango... but tonight he loved all over him. He'll get used to it ;)

We stayed up at Nate's house until like, one in the morning. I am far too old for that, and Nate would agree. But we had fun eating burritos and talking a lot about family and things with his mom (while Tango was sleeping on our laps... did I mention how wonderful he is?).

Then Sunday I got up early and cleaned my room so Tango wouldn't get lost in my disarray, and took a nap with Tango in my armpit, and then Nathan came over and we explored downtown Athens. I super love doing that now! I don't know why, but I used to hesitate to explore downtown. I just wasn't into it. But I love just having my boyfriend on my arm and no ideas in our head to where we are going, and we just wing it! They are the best dates! We were both super hungry so we went to the Transmetropolitan, which Nate had been to before, but I hadn't. I got some pasta that was AMAZING, and he got a chicken panini that looked pretty great too. I think we are going to try somewhere new next time we go downtown.

We had a super long talk about ex's and things... it wasn't a terrible conversation, and it definitely wasn't heated or anything. I don't really even remember what got us talking about it, but it was kind of enlightening. It definitely made me realize again how lucky I am to have met Nathan after praying and praying and praying for God to send me the right man for my heart! I take these things for granted sometimes, and just talking about our pasts made me realize how much we both have grown; even in the past year of knowing each other. I am especially proud of Nathan. He seems to have grown into a super wonderful man in the past year. He's becoming more sure of himself, putting priorities in order, etc. I like to think that I helped with that, but that's being cocky ;)

Seriously though, it was an overall good talk. I think a lot of my growth happened over the two years from 2009 to the end of 2010. I had a lot of loss in 2008 and kind of lost my mind. Getting back into church and solidifying my faith in God made ALL of the difference in my life. I knew that I couldn't get anywhere good without giving it all to God. My faith never really faded or was lost; it was just realizing what exactly being a woman of Christ meant. I had a friend bring me to the door, and I went through, and after prayers and not thinking about finding someone for awhile, God led me to the right one through a very unlikely door. And I am ever so grateful for it.

Also, notice that it is 2:00 a.m. and I have to be at a clinical at 6:30. My roommate's cat has a bell on her collar (DUMB... she doesn't even go outside. What the heck do you need that for?) and she came prancing in my room to get Tango and woke us up. Tango has no problem falling back asleep. I on the other hand...

ANYWAY, then Nathan and I went home after paroosing downtown and drinking some Starbucks and watching hipsters and cuddled with Tango and did some Mad Libs which made me realize how much the "S" word makes me giggle when used as an adjective. Seriously, I try not to cuss (or curse), but that word is just so funny when used in certain sentences.I need a big ol' giant book of those so that I can belly laugh all the day long instead of studying for Psych or Med-Surg. When am I going to be done with school?! Guh.

So, it was the best weekend I have had in a long while. ALSO, I WEIGH 136! I'm still not happy. I'm so dumb. I remember when I weighed like 150 and I said, man, I really wish that I weighed 135. I'd be so happy! But, I'm a pound away and am really hoping for more of 125. Being a woman blows. Good thing I have a supportive boyfriend who thinks that I'm pretty no matter what I say about myself. What a gentleman!

Oh, and I'm making a bucket list of sorts on Pinterest since everyone else is and I think it's kind of cool.

Long post is over. I have to cuddle with Tango and try to sleep for 3 hours or something.

rainy days and love

During the terrible rainy stretch over the weekend, Nathan and I hung out and had one of the best days ever! We went to Little Italy downtown and stuffed our faces (I ate a meatball sub the size of a leg and I was so full, it hurt, and he had pizza, which is what I should have gone with). Then we walked around downtown together in the rain (under an umbrella) and got lost trying to find Gigi's Cupcakes since I had only been there one time and Nathan had never been there. That place is amazing! We finally found it, and we got a kentucky bourbon cupcake, a pumpkin cupcake, and a tiramisu cupcake! Tiramisu was the best!

Then we went to Trader Joe's so I could get some wasabi seaweed snacks. It sounds gross, but they are pretty good! I also saw some calla lilies and I was super tempted to buy some, but I still have my beautiful roses from Valentine's Day, so I refrained even though they're my favorite! I really want to find some peonies somewhere. They are the most beautiful flowers ever (besides calla lilies)!

Then to Home Depot to find stuff for Nate to build a coat rack. Anyway, even though it doesn't sound like the greatest day (besides the food), it was one of those days where I just fell in love all over again! The whole time we held hands and skipped in the rain and told stories and hugged a lot and talked about lots and lots of things like family and friends and love and God. It was the best day I've had in a long time, even though it was cold and rainy.

I can't wait for a blessed day like that again!

captivating

I have to be up in a few hours to "work" another LONG OB clinical and I can't sleep! Fantastic!

I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about lots of things. Mostly good, awesome things. I am starting to read Captivating again, which is a super awesome book that reminds me of all the awesome ways that God is good to me. I got an email saying that my jewelry stuff got sent, so I am SUPER stoked about having something to work on. Nathan got me a little anvil to work on! Words cannot describe... he's just the best man I have ever known. I have work and a couple of tests this week that are stressing me out, but I'll make it work. I just want to be done with school so I can work in a hospital with new moms and babies and be happy. It's getting closer and closer to becoming a reality! Prayers and thank yous.