Things and Worries and More

It's 7:00 in the morning and I have been up since midnight! Big giant sad face ;(

Mostly studying for my final today, kind of Christmas shopping, lots of thinking (which can be a bad thing), and lots of reading The Good Book, little sleep, lots of cuddling with my kitten, and a little hot chocolate (even though the weather is very much like Spring here...).

I am in a very hard place right now. Things in my life and other's lives are weighing on me. Family has caused Nathan and I some trouble and stress lately, my stomach is (cross my fingers) a little better, or has been the past couple of days, I am financially strapped, wishing I could do more for Christmas, I am hopelessly searching for jobs, and losing sleep.

Pre-marital counseling has been wonderful, although this last session I feel kind of blah. Dare I say it, worse than before? I think it is because I haven't really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my past. I find my mind wandering to places they shouldn't, in regards to past hurts, and God knows there's a lot of them with varying degrees of actual hurt involved. When I look back though, they all hurt the same. I have always battled self esteem problems, and as of late they are at a peak, causing me some really serious grief. I feel that I am pushing my partner away, and driving myself crazy. The hurt that I bring upon myself with memories and self-deprivation-of-my-happiness-talk is awful. I pray a lot about it, and the only thing that seems to help is prayer. I just feel like Nathan thinks I am crazy and doesn't understand. It's a horrible cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Throw on top of that all of my financial troubles, our impending wedding, school, lack of a real job, family issues, etc, things can get pretty crazy. I find that I really want to cry. Not all the time, but when I think of everything and think of how OVERWHELMING life is at the moment, that's when I want to cry. I need to just bawl. Like can't breathe, sob. I don't want to do it alone, but then I get embarrassed to do it in front of Nathan.

I want to truly feel beautiful, and like I'm worth keeping around and fighting for. Like my personality is worth something too. For some reason, I just don't. I feel like I'm the worst. And I hate that. I have these conflicting thoughts in my head where I try to feel good about myself, but then I sit and point out to myself every flaw that I can find. And then I worry that Nathan will find someone better, which makes me upset, which makes him upset, which makes fights happen, which makes me stress more. It's horrible. The question is, HOW do I fix it?

How can I get married when I feel this way? I love this man, but my distrust of everyone makes it very difficult to give everything away. If I harden just a piece of my heart, it won't ever get hurt. But then it never gets used, and then I always feel like I'm holding something back in preparation of something happening. Do I take a break? Do I run away? That won't fix a problem, but it could mend it temporarily. Sometimes the thought of a temporary mind vacation is very appealing. But I would lose my everything. I would lose Nathan, and I don't want that.

The things Nathan writes to me are amazing. They make me cry in a good way. If I could hear those things, then maybe my heart would rest. Having a heart to heart with him could really help things... but I hear the same things all the time. I feel like he doesn't know what to say, or can't say anything that sounds absolutely genuine. Not genuine in that he doesn't mean it, but genuine in that it's a profound something that's coming from his heart about how I am feeling. I need a good cry with him.

My heart is damaged. How to fix it? Go back through a childhood of hurt and stir up things that I never knew existed? Probably, and that may be what I am feeling now. Our counselors are brilliant, and maybe I am grieving something that happened. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been holding back my heart and I know what it has cost and that I don't know how to change it. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because when I hear Nathan say that I am beautiful, but I don't feel like he means it, or that it's true at all. I don't know. How do I know if what I am feeling is wrong, or if it is a gut feeling to run away? So many feelings... they make life difficult.

Apart from all of my feelings, Nathan took me to The Fox and we got dressed up to see The Nutcracker, which was amazing, although the evening was not particularly so. I got to see him play his Christmas show at church, which was a greater gift, honestly. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted every time I looked on up and saw him smiling at me from behind his trombone. If I could feel like that all the time, I'd be alright! I mean, I truly felt happiness at that moment. No gifting, no money spent, nothing overtly "special". But the fact that he was in his element of making music, and looking at me and smiling like he was proud... man. That really makes me want to cry. It's an incredible feeling when that happens, because unfortunately, I don't really feel that way often. Maybe it was because he was in a room with tons and tons of people, and making music, and with tons of people who were playing music, and it was his night, and yet, he still looked at ME. It truly made me feel special. I want that feeling every day of my life!

He has grown so much... I mean truly. I am so proud to call him mine! And that is what I am afraid of losing. Potentially the only really "good" man in my life. Something so treasured and everything that I have wanted and asked God for, and I am afraid that He will take him away, or let him walk away, or be led astray. It is my greatest fear; to be alone. I know I am not truly ever alone (God helps me a lot), but having my best friend be my almost-husband is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I could use a huge Nathan bear hug right about now. I would just cry and cry and feel better.

I go through these phases where I feel fantastic, so I kind of slack on church, and being involved with God. I think this is one of those harder places where I realize this; that I have to maintain a relationship and stand firm and go to church EVERY Sunday even if I don't want to get out of bed. I wish that I could physically hear from God that I am beautiful and that I am exactly what I am supposed to be and that Nathan is The One. Hearing that ultimate TRUTH would change everything, but I have not, or if I have, I have refused to hear it. I am a bitter, wounded woman, and I need to heal. I want to experience joy and happiness in my life every day, not just some days. I am really hoping that through prayer and talking with Nathan and understanding each others' needs and counseling that happy days are around the corner.

love love love!

Things are bittersweet here.

Nathan and I had the most incredible weekend last weekend together. Nothing planned, but we went home to see my mom and actually pretty much spent the weekend alone! We got to cuddle, talk late into the night, laugh a lot, eat cupcakes, cruise the mall, AND on Sunday we actually got our wedding bands! Mine are (I got 2 ahh!) shiny and beautiful and vintage and amazing, and his is gorgeous and manly, and simple and so him. It warmed my very heart to see that ring on his finger! I'm used to seeing mine since I have had my shiny for a few months! I can't wait to make that man my husband! 

I passed all but one of my nursing tests (I failed by 2 points, something that I am actually relieved by after taking that research test... Dang).  I found my bridesmaids! Three sweet ladies from my nursing class are going to help me walk down the aisle! Who would have thought?! I have to get in hardcore saving mode.

Also, when I went home, the scale read 125 point something, but 125! Also, since then I have been a little lax eating Oreos and cream puffs from work! Work kills my diet. They are always making tasty treats! So, I actually bought a 400-calorie meal thing from Barnes and Noble this weekend, and I'm going to get back on track.

OH! And we had our engagement pictures made! They are beautiful! Well, the 3 preview pictures we had!
Our friend Carrie-Ann (who co-owns In Sienk Photography with her husband, Scott) took them, and they look wonderful! I cannot wait to get the rest back :)

Ahh! <3

With the ups, there are always downs, and we hit a low this week. I have unspoken prayer requests for my Mom and Dad. Financial trouble has been a HUGE burden on my family the last few years, and it doesn't seem to be lightening up anytime soon. Prayers are needed and appreciated! Also, Nathan's parents need some prayers too. We just need prayers all around!

Nathan and I are going to marriage counseling again next Saturday! I can't wait! But that also means that I need to get on the ball with my reading. I'm such a procrastinator it hurts. But, this really, really opened doors for us and I can't wait to learn and talk more with these Godly people and each other. This is going to do us wonders before we get married!

Speaking of which, yesterday was 13 months to the day of our marriage! Ahhh! I'll leave this post with that :)

Insecurity

It's something that I struggle with, and I seem to have been struggling with it a lot more recently than I have in a long time. One incident brought back a world of hurt that happened in the past, and now I question everything. All the devotion, I compare myself to others, I feel not good enough, not even good enough to make it through the nursing program, or be a fit fiancée to my love, or a good enough servant to God. I am trying to fix this.

Nathan and I have been talking about marriage counseling, as we have both heard that it is the smart thing to do before you get married. I am both excited and scared at the same time. Surely things will be uncovered that we both do not want to talk about, but have to be talked about. But hopefully things will be resolved.

I am also going to do a lot of reading about restoring faith and security in yourself through God and prayer, and counseling if need be. I am not above counseling. Talking can help so, so much, and that's what I believe I need! I'm just so tired of feeling insecure. I shouldn't be.

I have a fiancé who is wonderful, and has only let me down once, a job, I got into and am still hanging in nursing school, I have family that love me very much, I have friends (though not as many or as near as I would like), and I'm not hideous. God gifted me with a bumpy nose and a scar forever reminding me of my close call with death, child birthing hips, long toes, speckled skin (speckled is nicer than acne and sunspots), lumpy legs, and little boobies. It's what I have. I am grateful to be alive, and I am not the fattest, or the skinniest, or the ugliest or the prettiest, or the fittest or the most sedentary person in the world. I should be grateful. There's not anything terribly wrong.

Some days I feel pretty, and others I want to hide my ugly mug. Some days I feel skinny, and other days I want to hide my "fat" under a giant sweatshirt. Some days I think about the best things and smile and laugh, and other days I think about my insecurities and trust issues and want to cry and hide in the bed under the covers. It's not an everyday thing, just a common thing, which any more than "rarely" is a problem. I am trying hard to remedy this.

I feel like my fiancé doesn't understand. It's much different to be a woman in this world than a man, let alone a Christian woman trying to do things right. I know that I shouldn't be envious or covet or compare myself. The Bible tells me so. I know that I should forgive and forget, because the Bible tells me so. And maybe that's why it is so hard. I do all of these things, and I have a hard time forgetting past crimes (in fact, they replay like films in my head, and I can remember every vivid, terrible detail). Not just recent ones but things that have happened years ago. Somehow I group them all together, and they play in a stream one after the other until I want to run away and cry. Literally run away. Like to the other side of the country (or world) and lose my phone, run away. Cut all ties to everything familiar. It's bizarre, but it's the only way I know to cope, is to ignore it.

I think I have finally ignored everything to the point of bursting. Everything has been collecting in my head and heart, and it's finally bursting at the seams. Anxiety is the result. An extreme anxiety that results in chest pains, sweating, and panic attacks. It's torture. If I can cure it with prayer and counseling alone, praise God. If I need medication, so be it.

We learned in nursing school that things like anxiety generally become a problem when aspects of your daily life (or activities of daily living) are compromised. Mine are. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get distant immediately at the thought of one of these things, I literally have to restrain myself from running away, and I can't sleep at night. It's horrific.

I need God, support from my fiancé, and lots of prayers.

I want to be whole again.
But this is hard.

nothing goes as planned

     This was a very hard week/weekend.

     I went on a trip with Nathan, as he had to go to Florida on business anyway, so we were going to go to the beach! Nothing really went as planned.

     The beach was cold and windy, we were both in foul moods, we got sunburned, and other issues arose.
And then the worst happened: Nathan's sweet grandma, Mama Lou passed away this morning.

“Death opens a door out of a little, dark room (that's all the life we have known before it) into a great, real place where the true sun shines and we shall meet.”- C.S. Lewis

     She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and I am glad that I knew her while I did. I wish that I had known Nathan longer, because I love him, but also because I would have known her more. She was just so genuinely nice and wonderful from the moment I met her. Nathan would tell me stories of her that reminded me of my own grandma, and I loved her as if she was my grandma. Mama Lou was really strong, especially in the end. She knew where she was going, and she wasn't afraid of it. She embraced it! She kept her sense of humor and so alert and oriented to everything around her until her serious decline. I am glad that I got to see her and talk with her and hear stories about her from Nathan. I am so sad for Nathan and his family because I know for sure how hard it is to lose someone you love, but at the same time I am relieved for Mama Lou. She is in Heaven and watching over everyone, and I find peace in that. I am sad though that I didn't get to know her more. It's sad that it's human nature to not realize what you have until it's gone. I do realize this with some people (my immediate family, and Nathan), and I spend as much time as I can with them. I know what it's like to have a sudden loss, and a gradual one. I can't imagine living with Nathan for 50 years and then losing him. He is already my best friend and I hate being even one day away from him now. I just can't even fathom the connection that you would have with someone that you lived with and were still in love with years and years after you first met. The person that you went through everything with, raised children with... just gone. The heartache must be incredible, and I am praying for Papa Sam.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S.Lewis

     Death is never fun, but I can say that every time a life is lost, especially one that I knew, it makes me realize just how much I have in the relationships with people in my life. I don't know that I would do if I lost Nathan. He's my everything! Everything I do, I have him in mind. I get pretty for him in the morning, I laugh with him, I tell him secrets that I have never told anyone, I pray with him, I talk to him all day, every day. I can't imagine never waking up to hear his voice again, or old his hand, or rest my head on his chest. Never smelling him again, or hearing his laugh, or feeling his hugs... ugh! It makes me cry just thinking about it. The loss of that would devastate me, and I pray that I never have to go through that. It seems so selfish to wish to pass away before your significant other so you don't have to deal with the loss of the other half of yourself, but I am not too big headed to admit that I am too fragile and weak to recover from that.

     I am just praying for peace of mind for his family, and comfort and support for his grandfather, and good memories of Mama Lou for her children and grandchildren.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

in the woods

I can't sleep normal hours anymore for some reason and it makes me sad! I was exhausted at 11 last night and slept until 3. So awful. It's like 4 hours is my cap, and then I'm exhausted all day! Meh.

Well, I had an escape this weekend to a little old cabin in the woods with my love. It was a perfect cabin surrounded by trees and nature and quiet and rain. I loved it! Everything was so much cooler up there, both literally and figuratively. It was like 60 degrees at night and 70 during the day, thunderstorms at night and no rain during the day, and a hot tub in the middle of the forest with the fireflies! It was wonderful.

We cooked a big breakfast with pancakes and maple sausage and hashbrown casserole and orange juice in fancy glasses and listened to jazz music and held hands. We caught up on sleep and watched Star Wars and my Nate when he was little and SO ADORBS. We ate pizza and ice cream and junk food and wrote in the guest book and laughed and and and it was wonderful!

We ventured out to look at antique stores the second day, but most places were closed on Mondays in that little old town :) The ones we did find open were more of a catch-all of homemade gifts, thrift stores, and had little to do with antiques. But we laughed at things and held hands and probably told each other hundreds of times that we love each other. It was fun!

We drove back and stopped at a mountain center and saw all of this real cool AT hiking stuff and it reaffirmed how bad I want to just quit life for 8 months or so and hike it. I'd be in real good shape by the end if I made it to Maine! It would be a real bonding experience for sure! With both Nate and nature :) Maybe after I graduate and before I have to pay back mountains of loans :)

The rest of the time I was perpetually tired. We grabbed sandwiches, went thrifting for a VCR for Nate, and then I had to get my brakes fixed because it sounded like I was dragging the Tin Man behind my car when I drove. At the time I was irritated that I had to spend 2 hours in the repair shop and 150 dollars on brakes, but looking back, Nathan and I talked a lot about a lot of things. At the time they seemed like just regular old conversations, about everything and nothing. But really, it makes me realize how lucky I am to know and be with my best friend. He knows me inside and out. He calms me down when I get heated, he knows my heart, we both are on the same page. We talked about getting married and all that goes with that, along with fibromyalgia, somatiform disorder, autism, wheat (apparently people think it's evil), etc. Just everything.

The thought of marriage is scary. I used to be so ready for it, and now that I feel it is approaching soon (I don't know when, but I know he's the one), it's so scary. I've been burned a few times, and had my share of serious heartbreak, more than the average young lady, and it's compounded into a big ball of good/worry/panic. I never want to lose Nathan. He is my rock and my best friend and I am absolutely in love with him. The thought of something happening to him is something so overwhelming that I can't even describe beyond that. Yet, the thought of being bound forever to one person and trusting them with your being is so scary! I know marriage is hard, and that's scary too. Also coming from a household of divorce is looming over my head as I do not ever want that! I know that I'm just terrified of hurt, and I'm going to have to get over that. I know God has placed me with the best man for me, and I have to trust that. But there's that word again... TRUST. Trusting is hard to do when you have a panic attack when things are out of your control, ex: nursing school. I'm still suffering from PTSD after last semester!

I want to be his wife, and although I'm scared, I'm not unsure. I know he's a wonderful man, and while not perfect human beings (since there is no such thing), we are perfect for each other. I am just going to have to seriously work on letting go of my worry and past and stress. Easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere!

Man, this weekend was full of revelations.

Also, I have known Nate for a year and 3 months today. I love him so!

i'm a senior!

I AM OFFICIALLY A SENIOR NURSING STUDENT!

I never thought I would see the day.

Things I learned and did during my first year of nursing school:
1. Cleaned wrinkly old people in a shower, and was totally cool with seeing them naked.
2. C. diff poop smells... different.
3. Hot and dry = sugar high
    Cold and clammy = needs some candy
4. Nervous breakdowns are a weekly event.
5. It is very possible to have chronic IBS during test weeks and finals.
6. It is also very possible to diet in nursing school, mostly due to stress.
7. Anxiety r/t nursing school AEB IBS, failing med surg test grades, not being able to keep nurse face when irrigating a pressure ulcer, and chronic fatigue.
8. Self diagnosis is popular.
9. Mental health is grey; there is no black or white.
10. Health assessments are the most thorough in nursing school, taking upwards of an hour to complete. In real life, almost non existent. 
11. APA format sucks.
12. ABC's are not what you think they are.
13. If airway is an answer for a priority question, pick it.
14. If hand washing is an answer, pick it.
15. Lab values must be memorized, when in reality there is a chart for everything.
16. Buy stock in highlighters.
17. If your textbook is not yellow, you're not highlighting enough.
18. Clear before cloudy.
19. Pregnancy is terrifying.
20. MAGNESIUM SULFATE.
21. In the case of postpartum hemorrhage, massage the fundus.
22. Diabetes will mess you up.
23. Drug dictionaries are priceless.
24. ATI SUCKS
25. Nursing school makes you hate everything/one, especially people with free time.
26. If you don't know it by 2 AM, it's not happening.
27. Doctors and anesthesiologists are mean.
28. You really DO see EVERYTHING in Mental Health clinical rotations.
29. Friends can bring you the most support.
30. You cannot study effectively while sitting on Facebook, Netflix, or playing Bejeweled.
31. Gossip is plentiful.
32. Crying is essential to survival.
33. Boyfriends and kittens make it do-able. Barely, but it works.
34. FHT's
35. Scrubs, pen, paper, stethoscope, and ID badge always at clinical.
36. What's free time? Or friends?
37. Tabatha's Salon Takeover is not conducive to studying.
38. Hard, rigid, board-like abdomen = peritonitis.
39. Manual blood pressures are hard to do when you have ADD.
40. Give digoxin only if pulse is > 60.
41. Endoscopy is probably the cleanest place in the hospital.
42. Suicide notes are creepy to read.
43. IV's ARE SO FUN!
44. ACCUCHECKS ARE FUN!
45. Care plans.
46. Drug cards.
47. Diagnostic labs and test are important for your tests.
48. Pick the rightest right answer.
49. Therapeutic communication.
50. MED MATH.

In short, that's nursing school. Poop, naked old people, vital signs, heavy books, stress upon stress upon stress, medical math, trick questions, raised grade bars, unneeded competition, schizophrenics, and nervous breakdowns all for the price of a new car. It's amazing. How am I alive? I don't know. God pulled me though, family helped, and Nathan carried me through a lot. The last month of nursing school I went catatonic; alienating my friends in class and basically living in my books just to pass my final for Med Surg. I passed all of my classes, and now I am a senior. Wow!

I have 3 months nursing SCHOOL free. However, I start an externship on the 21st, Public speaking the same day, and Spanish 2 in June. I have a feeling that this Summer is going to be bittersweet.

boyfriend face & music & cupcakes

I kept waking up all night. Such is the problem with nursing school. My stress level has been over 9000 since starting this semester. I wake up all the time, at all hours, with bizarre dreams. Can I not express how much I need for this semester to be over?! Prayers prayers prayers.

Last night I got to see (and kiss!) my boyfriend's naked face since he shaved his beard off. It was weird and wonderful at the same time.

somber & love

Today I wrote a 6 page paper for med surg and I'm not done. I took a nap.

I also went to see Nathan's grandma, Mama Lou.

She's just one of the sweetest women I've ever met and I'm glad that I got to know her even for a little bit before her decline. She has cancer, and she's being so strong. Her faith in God astounds me. Nathan and I were talking about this the other day. She said that things are the way that God wants them to be and everything would work out. This woman who is dying of cancer, is stronger than I have ever been to even speak that. It's the bravest thing to be able to say that and have faith the way that she does.

Nathan took the sweetest picture of her and her husband, his Papa Sam, praying together. It's inspiring, sad, humbling, and love.

It was so nice to be able to talk with her and just sit and be. She wanted Nathan to play the piano immediately when we came in, and he did. His playing always makes me tear up because it's so beautiful, but watching her just take in the music was amazing. I could tell it was just what she wanted and needed to hear. I can just see how much it makes her whole day to hear him play.

I need to appreciate what I have in my life. If I can live to be as faithful and happy and wonderful as Mama Lou, then I'll be truly blessed.

hawaiian pizza & fairytale houses

I had a fantastic and a rough weekend at the same time. It can happen, amazingly enough. And when it's rough, it can be over in an instant, like a quick storm. Lots of tears, and lots of hugs, and lots of everything will be alright.

And it will.

I have a week of class left, and then 3 days of finals. All I can do is thank GOD and pray that He helps me to pass my med surg class. For some reason, I am having a really hard time in there, teetering on the edge of failure and passing. My professor seems confident, but it is terrifying to me that I could fail. After finals, I have a couple of weeks until my internship starts. I will absolutely relish in the time that I have off to do absolutely nothing! However, I do have two classes that I have to take this summer. Spanish II and Public Speaking. Two classes I am not thrilled to be taking. However, it will be time I need away from the stress of nursing school and to focus on my relationships and God and taking in life and being appreciative rather than complaining of burnout.

hot

It's March. It's hot.

If that's any indication of what this summer is going to be like, then it's going to be awful!
I need to go camping and go to Six Flags and go hiking and all of those outdoorsy things before it gets crazy hot.

I know I keep saying it, but I have GOT to get back into church. For tons and tons of reasons. I am feeling myself becoming more and less of the person I want to be at the same time. I'm growing up, but I need to get back to church. My mind wanders to things that it shouldn't or things that just aren't good to worry about, and it never used to. I need to fill my brain up with healthy love and God things.

There are just things that I see everyday that make me really sad. Cheaters, liars, murderers, etc. Sex things everywhere, violent things everywhere... it just makes me want to run away into the mountains and get rid of my tv! How things have changed. Sure, things like this happened before, but it wasn't publicized or offered out for everyone ever to see. I just feel like the only place I am safe is in church, and I'm falling away from that. I want to have a super healthy relationship with God and a healthy relationship with Nathan and a healthy family when I decide to have one. The world is a scary, sad, awful place. I sometimes wonder if there are any good people left. Even the "good" ones that I know aren't, really. I know no one is perfect, and I am certainly not, but there are just some things that are so sad... People hurting other people and all that. It makes my heart hurt.

Back to church I go, and hopefully to stay.

i'm happy

SO HAPPY!

I can't even really put into words just how happy I am, but I will certainly try.
I had a terrible week about two weeks ago. School was killing me, and killing my relationships with everyone. I just needed something to dig me out of this depressive slump that I was in. I had tons and tons of things on my mind that just piled up into a big mess. I'm talking seriously apathetic and depressive. It was sad.

So, I decided I needed time to myself. Last week was Spring Break, and I went to Savannah with my bestie for a couple of days. I had a ton of fun and took some photos and ate good food and listened to good music and enjoyed the perfect weather. I kept seeing couples and getting sad. At this point I hadn't seen Nathan in 4 days. It doesn't seem that long, but we left on a not so great note because of my stressed out craziness, and I missed him like crazy. I was still hoping and praying for that "thing", whatever that was, to pull me out of the slump.

Enter Nathan O'Brien.

We spent the next 3 days together, essentially starting over. Learning things we never knew about each other, people watching in Helen, holding hands, just being with each other and listening to jazz, making up stories, laughed. Laughing. That's the best sound to my ears. We hummed and sang and tried new food and went antiquing and didn't waste a moment with each other.
We went to my favorite coffee shop in Sautee and played mancala and drank coffee. I listened to Nathan play on the guitar. I couldn't stop smiling. I fell in love again.

I feel more alive and happy than I have in a long time. I have that feeling like when we first started dating and I couldn't wait to hear from him. We fell in love again. His laugh makes me laugh and smile and I just want to hold him forever. God brought us together, and we are both determined to keep it that way, and knowing that brings me the most peace I could ever ask for.

I am in love with this man.

wait, it's superbowl sunday?

I don't know, I didn't even watch any of it. Today was spent with me going to bed at 9 in the morning, taking a 4 hour nap, watching some Law and Order (there was a marathon!), and then driving over to Nate's house so we could go from there and see his grandmother. I am trying to become a better, more spiritually fulfilled person, especially in my relationship with Nathan. I feel like if we are (spiritually whole) we will have the best foundation for a super awesome relationship. I instantly feel better, and it gives me the drive to do better and be happier and have faith and trust just by taking the smallest initiative to educate and read and get closer to God. Today was a perfect day weather-wise, and I drove with the windows down and the 70 degree wind blowing in my hair and taking in everything. It's bizarre how I notice so little most of the time. I drove by the prettiest pastures, and saw an old couple holding hands on their porch, and the sun was reflecting off the water, and animals were grazing in the sun, and I just wanted to BE in that moment forever. No worries, no responsibilities... just carefree driving with my arm hanging out of the window and singing praise at the top of my lungs. Sweetest bliss.

Nathan and I got to go see his grandparents and listened to stories about how they had to kill their own chickens if they wanted to eat, and his grandfather told us a story about when his wife (Nathan's grandma) had a mastectomy, he wanted to get her something nice. So he went and got her a gold ring and said that he married her once, and he wanted to marry her all over again ("or something sweet along those lines" he said). That is just THE BEST. I want that.

We finished the evening with spaghetti and garlic bread and a fat salad, and laughing, and cuddling, and talking. The best. The best. The best.

P.S: Boyfriend says we are going somewhere for Valentine's Day weekend. It's a surprise, so I have no idea where, but I am so excited!

moments and rings

So, I got my jewelry stuff and I made a few rings! I am going to take some pictures and post them sometime. I made a few 1.5 mm staking silver rings, and a couple of 4 mm silver bands. I have been interested in this for awhile, and then I found an instructables thing about how to make rings (will post link later!). I am in love! It's so fun! I even set one with a diamond (I had one diamond earring, and just used it)! I am seriously thinking about opening an etsy shop just for funsies and seeing where it goes. Nathan is super supportive, which helps a lot!

Man, today...

I had a test today in mental health nursing, then I had a mental breakdown this evening! Moments like that are hard to describe. The feelings that I felt tonight were a mix of sad, numb, love, etc. Hormones... awesome friends they are. Especially mixed with life crises. GOD hear my prayers, and please keep my brain from wandering to places they shouldn't be. AMEN. This month is a busy one. I have my cousin's wedding next weekend, my one year anniversary with Nathan, Valentine's Day, projects and tests galore... phew!

I am exhausted.

captivating

I have to be up in a few hours to "work" another LONG OB clinical and I can't sleep! Fantastic!

I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about lots of things. Mostly good, awesome things. I am starting to read Captivating again, which is a super awesome book that reminds me of all the awesome ways that God is good to me. I got an email saying that my jewelry stuff got sent, so I am SUPER stoked about having something to work on. Nathan got me a little anvil to work on! Words cannot describe... he's just the best man I have ever known. I have work and a couple of tests this week that are stressing me out, but I'll make it work. I just want to be done with school so I can work in a hospital with new moms and babies and be happy. It's getting closer and closer to becoming a reality! Prayers and thank yous.

Holy

I want to become a holier woman. I think that means less time online looking at things that don't matter and things that make life harder. I need to pray more. I need to read about Him more. I need to go back to where I was when I started this journey a long time ago. Things were better then. Bad days weren't as bad because I KNEW that they would get better and good days were wonderful because I knew they were a gift. It's sad how bad things have to happen for me to come crawling back asking for saving. I just need to stay that way all the time, inward, holy thinking and outward love and forgiveness. It's hard to live like that. I have a lingering weird feeling over me. I don't know what to do in general. I'm kind of sad, but more just "blah".
Not depression blah, but just... I don't know. Life is hard now. Lots of sad, hard things are going on and it seems that less and less happy things are going on. I want everything to be wonderful again. I need to pray and I need prayers and I need time.

Remembering Lots of Things

Since it's been ten years today since the tragic falling of the Towers in NYC, everyone has been really thoughtful and thankful for what they have, myself included. Ten years ago today, I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. I don't remember much of what happened that day, but in the days afterward I remember a lot. The reason I don't remember much is because I was at home on the couch recuperating from having my gall bladder taken out and was very much in a morphine induced stupor. I do remember my Dad being home and waking me up and telling me to look at the TV. I saw the smoke and a red tape below the screen saying that the towers had been hit. I was so confused. I just remember my Dad left to get my brother from school and it was a very, very sad day. I am kind of glad that I didn't see the second plane hit the second tower, and I didn't need to to understand the loss and complete vulnerability of that attack. I can't imagine the absolute terror that ran through everyone's minds as they watched that happen. I hope and pray that we won't have to see something like that ever again. It's a sad thing for people to be seriously misled into thinking that terrorism is the answer. I pray that God will keep us safe, and I am very, very blessed with what I have.

To end on a lighter note of remembrance, Nate and I went on a date yesterday. Although impromptu, it was a REAL date. Embracing the coming of Fall, I got dressed up in probably what will be my last real chance to wear a cute strapless summer dress for the season, and met him at Starbucks, where we proceeded to get pumpkin frappuccinos! Then we drove to an antique mall, where we found all kinds of cool things that were way out of our price ranges... except for this amazing Kodak camera from the 50's. It was 19 dollars, and although I haven't gotten it yet, I hid it in a real good spot just in case I wanted it later. I looked online and text my bestie and both said it was a super cool camera. I might just have to go back and get it. Then we went to the soap store (I didn't get anything in there, although everything smelled yum), and the general store in Sautee Village, and I was convinced (okay, so they didn't have to even nudge me...) to buy this expensive farmer's cheese that was probably one of the most delicious things that I have ever had. We went outside and played with the bubble wands and then we went to the Sweetwater Coffeehouse with newly bought cheese and crackers in tow.

This was one of the best parts for me. Nate took me to Sweetwater about 5 months ago on a really cool date. We were pretty new, and I was still shy, and we had iced chai tea and he played guitar and played with pick up sticks (actually I just stuck them in his beard). I remember it because there was a lumberjack man sitting there watching us while Nate was playing guitar and said "I'm just waiting to hear you play her a love song" and I immediately freaked out because we didn't say that "L" word yet.

Fast forward 5 months and many, many "L" words said everyday, we went back and got iced chai teas and Nate played guitar and we ate the expensive cheese and enjoyed each other. It made me so, so happy to do that again with the same man that took me there almost half a year before and be able to love him so much more. We should make it a tradition :)

We left Sweetwater (Nate with a new bumper sticker and a really cool homemade thrown, fired, and glazed mug) and went to a bar in Helen (Bigg Daddies I think...) and got wings (his were better than mine. I wanted to steal them all.) and sat outside in the most perfect weather I have felt in awhile and people watched. After that, we went to a "park" across the street and swung on swings and realized that we were both probably never going to be able to do the monkey bars again and climbed down to a bank and skipped stones on the river. After I skipped one stone the entire time (and Nate was flipping skipping all of them), we walked around Helen and got our pictures taken in a photobooth and shared funnel cake before we drove home with the windows down, smelling all of the camp/bonfires every few miles along the way.

It was one of the best days of my life, and I'm glad I got to share it with my love, Nate. Again, I wanna marry that boy someday :)

Nursing School...

is the most stressful thing that I have ever attempted to do in my life. The amount of studying required is insane. My personal life has not suffered much yet, and I am working hard to keep everything in balance. It helps to have the most supportive boyfriend in the entire world. I was having a plethora of bad days in a row starting the night of my 25th birthday (sometimes nothing wants to work in your favor), and he made everything better. He made me dinner for my birthday (Harry Potter themed!), got me a ukulele, then the next day he got me an Alphonse Mucha (my favorite!) poster, then the next day he hand wrote me a letter about how much I meant to him and mailed it to me, we started praying together, and has just been immensely supportive. I have been praying for my entire life, and it has been a very important aspect of my life. But, praying with someone is very intrusive and personal. Even though right now we just pray in thanks over our food and for each other, it feels so right and like we are "bonding", even if it sounds dumb.

I am blessed, and trying so hard to "give everything to God". Here's to trying!

Stress

Well into my second WEEK of nursing school I have learned and done many things:

• had at least two crying fits/nervous breakdowns
• learned that I need to organize and prioritize
• appreciated that my boyfriend is the most supportive, amazing, wonderful man in the entire world
• prayed a whole lot
• read more than I have in my entire life
• slowly came to terms with the fact that I will have no life for 2 years
• made some new friends

 Needless to say that I am stressed. Nursing school itself has induced many headaches and sleepless nights already, and I am finding myself trying my hardest to NOT get behind. I think about giving up when I get frustrated and exhausted, and then I think about what I had to go through to get here. I found out this week that I was chose out of 200 applicants as one of 24 students in the program in Athens. Not to toot my own horn, but that really surprised me, and I am very grateful for it. I have been very blessed, and I know that I can't take any of this hard work for granted! God placed me here for a reason, and I am going to do my best.

I am finding my place in Athens. Things are still in boxes, and I feel like I haven't had a moment to do any serious settling in. My roommate seems to have been able to get unpacked and moved in in record time which is kind of ___________. I don't know how to feel about it. I kind of like to pretend that I live alone ;) I am also finding PLACES in Athens. It's fun to have Nate come over and him show me around and us explore. I really want to go thrifting soon. Last time we tried to go I was feeling like poop, so.

Umm... I really have been into jewelry lately. I want some more dainty silver rings and cute earrings. Etsy has been my online window shopping epicenter. I love it!

Also, my birthday is Sunday. A quarter-of-a-century years old. I hate that, but Nate is making me excited for my birthday. I know he has dinner planned, but I don't know details, and I am looking forward to my birthday for the first time in YEARS. Well, time to veg for a bit before I start to read more about Pharmacology and Med Math and Nursing Fundamentals and Health Assessment...

Christa W, BSN, RN

This will be my title one day.
For now, I have completed exactly one day of Nursing school, and it was pretty daunting. I feel like there will be a lot of studying and crying and being on the brink of giving up, but I will prevail because I have a ton of supportive people in my life and prayer. I was doing pretty okay until I started looking at Pharmacology... but I don't have that class until tomorrow so I'll find out, I'm sure. There were quite a few people in the classes that I was in that failed in the Summer, so that's not exactly inspiring. I just have to stick with studying and reading and not get behind. Updates soon. For now, I have a date with a cute boyfriend that is going to cook me a burger and play me songs on the guitar.

i carry your heart with me...

I love e.e. cummings. I like that he writes in lowercase and that his format is weird. My favorite poem is his most famous, "i carry your heart":

"i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)"

In true love-stricken-like-a-teenager fashion, I thought of this poem today because I've been with my sweetest boyfriend for 6 months. And because I am the biggest sap ever, I decided to blog about it. He's the best and this is the happiest I have been in years and years. I love his family, his friends, his soul, and everything he is about. He's the most genuine, sweet, honest person I have ever met and I am very blessed to call him mine. I hope to write about us again in another 6 months, and many months after that. He's the best thing that's ever been placed into my life, and I am very thankful for him. He makes me laugh and fall more in love with him everyday. He's my everyday present from God :)

Basically, I love my Nate.

<3