confessions of a sort

I think a lot about past things accidentally that ruin my day. I need help to get over that. I have self esteem issues that stem from who knows when; but there are ideas. I pray and pray for a quiet mind, but it runs and goes and never stops. I think about things that have no bearing on where I am today and somehow make it matter. I hate that. I put characteristics of other people into people who don't deserve it. I have a general distrust of those I let get close to me. With matters of my heart anyway. I feel like I will eventually get hurt in the end by friends and lovers both, and I hate that too. I don't feel beautiful or adequate enough. I sleep both too little and too much. I probably need medication, but I'm scared. I love Nathan so much it hurts my little heart. He's my world and it scares me to give that power to someone other than myself. I have control issues. I have anxiety. I compare myself. I worry too much and do too little about it. I need a calm and a lot of prayer. I have wanderlust. I want to run away from everything and be a hippie and live in the wild with no phone or cares in the world. Seeing things happen on the news depresses and scares me. Seeing the lack of morality in the people around me scares me and makes me sad and lose hope. I want to be a woman of God. I want a super great, close relationship with Him and Nathan. I want to feel like I don't have to worry or be the same as everyone else. I want to get married. I want to work a job where I can be at home with my husband. I start to think that maybe nursing isn't for me. Just because I can do it doesn't mean my heart is in it. I want to cuddle my Tango. I want to travel. I want to be with Nathan 24/7. I wish I wasn't so scared that something is happening or may happen. I hate anticipating disaster. I hate losing sleep over things that happened in another chapter in my life years ago. I wish I could be happy all the time with what I have and who I am. I need sleep, but my brain won't let me.

All of these things go through my head at 50,000 miles per hour. In an instant I can cry and a good day can go to hell just as fast. It makes me sad. I need prayers and prayers and prayers.