Long Time!

I haven't written in a long long time!

Let's see... Nathan celebrated his 26th birthday this month! I love that old man ;)
We celebrated by going to Six Flags, shooting guns at a shooting range, and going to see Jurassic Park 3D at the Movie Tavern and ate tons of food! It was so awesome! I actually LIKED shooting! (and I might even be better than Nathan at it!)

Also, we bought a house! OMG! It's so perfect! Room for Nathan's piano and my photography stuff and for babies when we want to have them! Space for friends to come over, trees in the yard, a quiet neighborhood... it's really perfect. God has blessed us with this one! I can't wait to get this closing done and move on in! It's a wonderful thing!

We are down to 146 days until we get married... oh my! I have got to get on this diet/running business, but Nathan makes that hard! He wants super delicious food that I can't eat! ;)

I have one final down, two to go. I made a B in pediatrics, and we will see about the others! I know I made an A in my issues class, but I am worried about tomorrow's test (which is why I should be studying but I can't!).

I finished my capstone! Thank goodness.

Nathan and I have both learned to let go more and be with each other. It's been so wonderful.

There are hard things happening too, but we are making it. Nathan is becoming this incredible man that I have only ever read about. This valiant, wonderful, strong man who is emotionally stable and trustworthy and providing. I feel at home in his arms and I miss him so much when he's gone! He's my best friend and becoming the most wonderful person I could have ever been lucky to have met! I can't wait for a lifetime of him!

Things and Worries and More

It's 7:00 in the morning and I have been up since midnight! Big giant sad face ;(

Mostly studying for my final today, kind of Christmas shopping, lots of thinking (which can be a bad thing), and lots of reading The Good Book, little sleep, lots of cuddling with my kitten, and a little hot chocolate (even though the weather is very much like Spring here...).

I am in a very hard place right now. Things in my life and other's lives are weighing on me. Family has caused Nathan and I some trouble and stress lately, my stomach is (cross my fingers) a little better, or has been the past couple of days, I am financially strapped, wishing I could do more for Christmas, I am hopelessly searching for jobs, and losing sleep.

Pre-marital counseling has been wonderful, although this last session I feel kind of blah. Dare I say it, worse than before? I think it is because I haven't really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my past. I find my mind wandering to places they shouldn't, in regards to past hurts, and God knows there's a lot of them with varying degrees of actual hurt involved. When I look back though, they all hurt the same. I have always battled self esteem problems, and as of late they are at a peak, causing me some really serious grief. I feel that I am pushing my partner away, and driving myself crazy. The hurt that I bring upon myself with memories and self-deprivation-of-my-happiness-talk is awful. I pray a lot about it, and the only thing that seems to help is prayer. I just feel like Nathan thinks I am crazy and doesn't understand. It's a horrible cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Throw on top of that all of my financial troubles, our impending wedding, school, lack of a real job, family issues, etc, things can get pretty crazy. I find that I really want to cry. Not all the time, but when I think of everything and think of how OVERWHELMING life is at the moment, that's when I want to cry. I need to just bawl. Like can't breathe, sob. I don't want to do it alone, but then I get embarrassed to do it in front of Nathan.

I want to truly feel beautiful, and like I'm worth keeping around and fighting for. Like my personality is worth something too. For some reason, I just don't. I feel like I'm the worst. And I hate that. I have these conflicting thoughts in my head where I try to feel good about myself, but then I sit and point out to myself every flaw that I can find. And then I worry that Nathan will find someone better, which makes me upset, which makes him upset, which makes fights happen, which makes me stress more. It's horrible. The question is, HOW do I fix it?

How can I get married when I feel this way? I love this man, but my distrust of everyone makes it very difficult to give everything away. If I harden just a piece of my heart, it won't ever get hurt. But then it never gets used, and then I always feel like I'm holding something back in preparation of something happening. Do I take a break? Do I run away? That won't fix a problem, but it could mend it temporarily. Sometimes the thought of a temporary mind vacation is very appealing. But I would lose my everything. I would lose Nathan, and I don't want that.

The things Nathan writes to me are amazing. They make me cry in a good way. If I could hear those things, then maybe my heart would rest. Having a heart to heart with him could really help things... but I hear the same things all the time. I feel like he doesn't know what to say, or can't say anything that sounds absolutely genuine. Not genuine in that he doesn't mean it, but genuine in that it's a profound something that's coming from his heart about how I am feeling. I need a good cry with him.

My heart is damaged. How to fix it? Go back through a childhood of hurt and stir up things that I never knew existed? Probably, and that may be what I am feeling now. Our counselors are brilliant, and maybe I am grieving something that happened. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been holding back my heart and I know what it has cost and that I don't know how to change it. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because when I hear Nathan say that I am beautiful, but I don't feel like he means it, or that it's true at all. I don't know. How do I know if what I am feeling is wrong, or if it is a gut feeling to run away? So many feelings... they make life difficult.

Apart from all of my feelings, Nathan took me to The Fox and we got dressed up to see The Nutcracker, which was amazing, although the evening was not particularly so. I got to see him play his Christmas show at church, which was a greater gift, honestly. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted every time I looked on up and saw him smiling at me from behind his trombone. If I could feel like that all the time, I'd be alright! I mean, I truly felt happiness at that moment. No gifting, no money spent, nothing overtly "special". But the fact that he was in his element of making music, and looking at me and smiling like he was proud... man. That really makes me want to cry. It's an incredible feeling when that happens, because unfortunately, I don't really feel that way often. Maybe it was because he was in a room with tons and tons of people, and making music, and with tons of people who were playing music, and it was his night, and yet, he still looked at ME. It truly made me feel special. I want that feeling every day of my life!

He has grown so much... I mean truly. I am so proud to call him mine! And that is what I am afraid of losing. Potentially the only really "good" man in my life. Something so treasured and everything that I have wanted and asked God for, and I am afraid that He will take him away, or let him walk away, or be led astray. It is my greatest fear; to be alone. I know I am not truly ever alone (God helps me a lot), but having my best friend be my almost-husband is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I could use a huge Nathan bear hug right about now. I would just cry and cry and feel better.

I go through these phases where I feel fantastic, so I kind of slack on church, and being involved with God. I think this is one of those harder places where I realize this; that I have to maintain a relationship and stand firm and go to church EVERY Sunday even if I don't want to get out of bed. I wish that I could physically hear from God that I am beautiful and that I am exactly what I am supposed to be and that Nathan is The One. Hearing that ultimate TRUTH would change everything, but I have not, or if I have, I have refused to hear it. I am a bitter, wounded woman, and I need to heal. I want to experience joy and happiness in my life every day, not just some days. I am really hoping that through prayer and talking with Nathan and understanding each others' needs and counseling that happy days are around the corner.

love love love!

Things are bittersweet here.

Nathan and I had the most incredible weekend last weekend together. Nothing planned, but we went home to see my mom and actually pretty much spent the weekend alone! We got to cuddle, talk late into the night, laugh a lot, eat cupcakes, cruise the mall, AND on Sunday we actually got our wedding bands! Mine are (I got 2 ahh!) shiny and beautiful and vintage and amazing, and his is gorgeous and manly, and simple and so him. It warmed my very heart to see that ring on his finger! I'm used to seeing mine since I have had my shiny for a few months! I can't wait to make that man my husband! 

I passed all but one of my nursing tests (I failed by 2 points, something that I am actually relieved by after taking that research test... Dang).  I found my bridesmaids! Three sweet ladies from my nursing class are going to help me walk down the aisle! Who would have thought?! I have to get in hardcore saving mode.

Also, when I went home, the scale read 125 point something, but 125! Also, since then I have been a little lax eating Oreos and cream puffs from work! Work kills my diet. They are always making tasty treats! So, I actually bought a 400-calorie meal thing from Barnes and Noble this weekend, and I'm going to get back on track.

OH! And we had our engagement pictures made! They are beautiful! Well, the 3 preview pictures we had!
Our friend Carrie-Ann (who co-owns In Sienk Photography with her husband, Scott) took them, and they look wonderful! I cannot wait to get the rest back :)

Ahh! <3

With the ups, there are always downs, and we hit a low this week. I have unspoken prayer requests for my Mom and Dad. Financial trouble has been a HUGE burden on my family the last few years, and it doesn't seem to be lightening up anytime soon. Prayers are needed and appreciated! Also, Nathan's parents need some prayers too. We just need prayers all around!

Nathan and I are going to marriage counseling again next Saturday! I can't wait! But that also means that I need to get on the ball with my reading. I'm such a procrastinator it hurts. But, this really, really opened doors for us and I can't wait to learn and talk more with these Godly people and each other. This is going to do us wonders before we get married!

Speaking of which, yesterday was 13 months to the day of our marriage! Ahhh! I'll leave this post with that :)

The weekend that beats all weekends

Nathan and I had an incredible almost four days together exclusively. It was wonderful. My first giant slice of happiness happened on Friday when they let me go home from work almost 4 hours early! I went home and super cleaned (I needed it as much as my house needed it) and waited for Nathan to come over. I can't even remember all of the amazing things we ate and did this weekend! But let's see:
Friday night we tried to make it to Earth Fare in time to get some pizza. We missed it. So we kind of got lost driving to Chipotle, got some kind of okay food, drove to Gigi's, got four awesome cupcakes, and played an alphabet food game that we made up as we went. After dinner, we cuddled and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and marveled at how much Gene Wilder was acting so far ahead of his time. He's incredible! Also, I ate cupcake number one.

Saturday was the real start to our weekend, and it was a great one! We decided a long time ago that we wanted to go to pre-marital counseling before we get married. In preparation, both of us were asked to do some deep, childhood, soul searching, and left us begging for more. We both were eating this stuff up, talking about it and figuring out where we both were. Saturday was our first session, and there were lots of good tears, lots of encouragement, hope, and safety offered. It was wonderful. We both can't wait to go back next month! Nathan and I had both said that we really wanted to go every weekend of we could! It was very eye opening, and wonderful, and I am so excited for the changes that await us in the future! We had Chinese for lunch, and then after our unloading at the counseling session, we held hands and walked around the outlet mall just talking and window shopping. For dinner we we to pizza hut, and then we talked at Starbucks until we both almost fell asleep!

Sunday morning Nathan and I went to church. Andy Stanley has been doing the Guardrails series which was very influential to me a few years ago when he first started doing it, so I was glad that Nathan could share this with me. It was a very good, close to home topic that got me crying, but it was wonderful to see that we were nothing doing things to keep our relationship golden! After church we went to Goodwill and I got a new denim dress that I have been looking for, a few shirts, and even Nathan found a new shirt! I love thrifting! After that, we went to Target and Michaels, went to KFC, stuffed our faces, and watched Kitchen Nightmares and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I also ate cupcake number two. After the movie was over, we mushed together and asked each other questions to learn about each other and invented stories and laughed a lot. It's funny how you think you know someone, but you never think that you may not know the simplest of things. I forgot what Nathan's favorite color was, his favorite number, his favorite Harry Potter book, his favorite love song, etc. Things that let you know the person you are with. I treasure the moments like that.

Today, we got up early and went to Cracker Barrel after playing the ukulele and making some music, and walked around Kohl's before heading home to take a nap in the rain. We woke up, had an early dinner of leftovers, watched Kitchen Nightmares, cuddled , did our devotion, and ate the last two cupcakes (that means that I ate three of the four. Thanks, Nathan!).

I am stuffed, probably 5 pounds heavier, and totally, utterly, completely happy without a worry in the world. I get to marry this man!

excitement!

Things have been pretty wonderful lately! Nathan and I are learning more and more about each other and growing in God. He is reading Wild at Heart, which is giving him good insight into himself and into me, and I am reading about not being stressed out all the time! :) It is seeming to work! I am a lot happier and a lot more calm, not thinking about the things that I used to all the time, and now they are growing rarer and rarer everyday (which I am super thankful for!). I went to the doctor the other day and I am still hovering around 130 (129.5). I feel like mostly because I haven't been sticking to my diet like I should be! Nathan and I have been enjoying ourselves... with food! The other day I took him to a Mexican restaurant that he had never been to, and while the fish tacos were delicious, the pickled jalepenos super hurt my stomach :(

I also bought some new Chacos the other day after much pursuasion from Nathan, and we toured around 5 Points in Athens and ate a lot of pizza at Earth Fare. It was a wonderful, wonderful day! Today after I get off work and Nathan meets me home, we are going for a long walk, and then we are going to eat all of the calories we just burned by indulging in Olive Garden's unlimited pasta bowl. It is my favorite event of the year, except for Christmas. Maybe Thanksgiving, because I get to ride horses. But, pasta, for real. Also, today I looked for more wedding stuff at Goodwill, like I do all week, but I couldn't find anything for the wedding. However, I did find 4 dresses, 2 of which were 3 dollars a piece, a cardigan for me, and a flannel shirt for Nathan that matches my flannel dress that I bought! I smell engagement pictures!!!!

Anyway, we are narrowing down plans for our pre-marital counseling, and wedding planning has gone on hold for the most part. I have to start school on Thursday, and I am not ready! At all! I have a Med Math test that I HAVE to make a 100 on, so prayers would be great!

The end.

Fiance is the best artist!

I love this plaid dress! It has pockets!



This one looks like those blue and white china plates!



Plaid  dress and my Mad Men style sheath dress! <3

love + growth

Nathan and I had an "old date". This meant meeting in Commerce, getting dinner, paroosing for books and shopping the outlet mall, and getting coffee and talking for hours, like we did when we were just starting to date and our love was just a little bud waiting to bloom!

It was my favorite night. Well, so far for this year. Yes, even better than my engagement night. See, I cherish and love the night of my engagement. I didn't know it was going to happen and he asked me to be his wife forever, but! Tonight. We talked so long about happy and wonderful things and about our growth in God and spirituality and how we want to raise our children and our ideals and how we want to learn from our parents and still be in love with each other even when we are 95 and date each other and surprise each other. We talked a lot about God. We both are going to read a lot and hold each other accountable of things. I fell deeper in love with this intelligent, spiritual, God fearing and convicted man tonight. His want to do everything "right" helps me with my growth, and if we have each others' backs we will do wonderfully.

I was listening to Chris Rice today (as I do often) and one line struck me and it hit home very much. In the song "Prone to Wander" he says "Freedom from myself will be the sweetest rest I've ever known". It's so true. I am my own worst enemy, and once I have this freedom, I will be able to be happy and carefree. Today was one of those days, and I was truly happy an enjoyed every second I was with Nathan. Not a worry crossed my mind and we didn't speak about wedding plans! It was a genuine date, one where we could enjoy each other and talk and laugh and take the stress away.

I am in love.
With God and Nathan and where my life and relationships and outlooks on life are going.

Thank you thank you thank you, God.

happenings

I haven't written lately! I know. I'm horrible! And so much has happened!
We booked the venue AND a photographer!
His name is John Shim, and this is his website: http://www.johnshim.com/
He's very talented and we are so happy that he is going to be shooting our wedding!

I have been super falling more and more in love with my fiance! It still feels amazing and awesome to say that! We have had crazy days lately. Just a lot of going and going and not much time for relaxing! We went crafting and got supplies to make bunting and went antiquing some more and he found some real cool suspenders this weekend that he is going to wear to the wedding!

We went to North Carolina to see his Poppy (mine too now I guess!) this weekend. Friday we went and finalized some stuff with our venue, which we were pleasantly surprised that it had been expanded for the same price that we paid for when it was smaller, then Saturday we drove up and spent the day walking and holding hands and spending time with family and eating way too much food. We went antiquing in Greensboro and got some delicious chai tea at a cool coffee shop where Santa was drawing pictures, found some cool stuff for Nathan, but not so much for me, but it's ok :) Today we went to church and ate more tons of good food and I am stuffed! We stopped at another antique store in Lavonia that was incredible, but we didn't have enough time to look at everything in there! It was humongous! Then we went and ate pizza and talked about married life and what we want and got some scratch off lotto tickets (I won 2 free tickets!) and laughed a lot :) We also locked my keys in the car this morning after church... but all ended up well with only a few bad words said. (Just kidding)

I started a new job at the school! It doesn't pay awesome, but the schedule is great and anything is better than nothing! Most of that money is going to go towards the wedding! I just want to get married right now. I love Nathan so much. He's the sweetest! The other day I was having a bad day (it happens...I'm a girl) and he kept calling me his cinnanom bun. Yes, cinnanom. So when he came over to see me he brought me some cinnamon doughnuts from Krispy Kreme :) He's wonderful! And I need to snatch him up quick and for forever!

I need to start working on my nursing stuff since I go back in less than a month... Oh man. Am I looking forward to it? Yes... and no. It was stressful and wonderful and I learned a lot, but it strained a lot. I lost social time, free time, fiance (then boyfriend!) time, and sleep. I lost a lot of sleep. But, I am looking forward to learning more and edging closer and closer to my degree. I need prayers!

G'night!

pretty walk at Poppy's house

venue!

suspenders!

expanded venue!

whirlwind!

Life since getting engaged to my best friend life has been crazy busy!

We both have realized how expensive weddings are and how easily the cost can add up. However, we have found a beautiful venue :) We are getting married next October at Densmore Farms in Cleveland, GA. It's BEAUTIFUL! The barn is amazing and totally DIY, the areas surrounding it is beautiful with trails... we love it! I have been on the search for the perfect photographer.

If there is any one thing that I want to spend money on, it's a good photographer. After it's all said and done, that is the only real evidence that we will have of that day (besides us and our wedding rings)! I found a fantastic cinematographer and someone to do makeup AND my dress. Oh, I wish I could describe it, but my husband to be will read and will know and we can't have that. :)

I'm ENGAGED

I never thought I'd say it! Ever!

Nathan asked me to marry him! I am the happiest woman in the world, and I'm still in shock. It feels like a dream.

It's not the typical story where the man goes out and gets flowers and takes her out to dinner and says sweet nothings in her ear and then asks her to be with him forever.

Mine was different.

Nathan came over after working all day, and we were both tired and I was slightly irritable. We went to the mall to pick up his tux for his friend's wedding this Sunday. It was more than he expected, and he was in a foul mood after that. After we got back home to my house, we sat on the couch and broke down in tears. Both of us. I had started to give up on the thought of being engaged based solely on the fact that we don't have enough money to live together after the fact. Nathan felt awful, and I felt awful and we cried and cried. I told him I wanted nothing more than to marry him, but I just didn't see it happening anytime soon because of our situation. I told him we could go to the courthouse and get married and that I didn't need special. He told me that he didn't want that for me. He wanted to see me walk down an aisle in a dress and be his wife. We cried and cried.

Finally, we were both spent from crying, hugged and said I love you'd and he left. About 2 minutes later, I heard someone unlocking the door. I thought maybe he forgot something, and I guess in a way he did.

He came in and got on the floor. Both knees, mind you, and crying, asked me if I would marry him. I couldn't even think straight. I just started crying. I couldn't breathe! All I saw was this amazing man that I loved holding a gorgeous ring, all for me. I said yes.

The rest of the night involved calling parents and grandparents and informing everyone on Facebook.

It still feels like a dream. I'm his FIANCÉ. I'm going to be his WIFE. He picked me and I picked him. We are going to be forever together. Family.

I am beyond words as to how I feel. I hear Nathan call me his fiancé and I smile so big it hurts my cheeks. I look at the beautiful ring on my finger and think about how much he must have saved up and for how long. How long he must have known that he wanted to marry me, and I smile huge again.

Even though it wasn't an engagement like in the movies, I couldn't have asked for a better one. After seeing me angry, and bare faced, and unkempt with bloodshot, soaked eyes, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. In that raw, vulnerable state, he saw me for me at one of my worst times, and he still wanted me. He didn't even wait a day after picking that ring up. He wanted me to be his, and he didn't hesitate.

Knowing that makes me love him more than any kind of wedding could ever symbolize. But we can sure try.

In a little more than a year, I will be Mrs. Nathan O'Brien, and God couldn't have blessed me with a better man to spend the rest of my days with.

the best day ever!

I was going to put the Spongebob song on here, but decided against it, as it's annoying.

But seriously. Yesterday.

Yesterday kind of ended up being more of a trial run of a day in married life... and I loved every minute of it.

I woke up super early, called Nathan and we made plans to go to church! I hadn't been in a long time, and we kept talking about going together. I love Andy Stanley, and in Athens there is a "satellite" church where he basically preaches through a live feed. We went there, held hands and sang and listened together, and we decided we were going to do it every Sunday! It was great! Going to church and having God in our lives is a huge deal to both of us, so it's comforting having that AND enjoying ourselves.

We went grocery shopping, and ate lunch together and ate cupcakes (I HAVE GOT TO GET BACK ON MY DIET TODAY!) and cuddled and told each other how much we loved each other. By this point it was only like 2:30 and I was having the best day in the entire world. Then, Nathan was really awesome. I mean, really.

I had to do online Spanish work (which is extremely hard considering that I don't remember very much from Spanish 1 since I took it in a month like 2 years ago...) and while I was doing that, Nathan cleaned my entire house and my car. And when I say cleaned, I mean CLEAN. Everything was off of the floor, my laundry was done, my car was cleaned out and he organized my myriad of nursing books and makeup and everything else that made a home in there. He put a shelf up in my bathroom for towels, put a picture frame up, cleaned my counters in my bathroom, organized everything. I mean... forget flowers and chocolate, this man has my heart. I couldn't believe it! I felt awful because everything was so messy (I can let things get pretty bad before I feel inclined to pick up a mess). He told me not to worry about it and that he liked to do it and that he loved me. And then I melted and decided that he was my forever boyfriend and I love him. (I knew that already, but this mega sealed the deal)

Then we cuddled some more and talked a lot about how the day was kind of like being married and we both liked that while we were doing separate things, we were still together, and that was all we needed. It made me feel better that we don't always have to be "doing" something and still be together. It was wonderful. We both got what we needed to get done done, and I still got to kiss my best friend a whole lot. Perfecto.

I never want him to leave, so I don't like to write about those parts, but after he left I slept the best sleep I have slept in a long, long time. A super long time! And with a wonderful day like that, it couldn't have been anymore perfect.


Also, more Pinterest stuff. And cupcakes.

for nathan.

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psuedo-anniversary

It's Nathan's and my one-year-and-four-month anniversary today, and I am ever the most thankful to God for him more and more as these little milestones come and go. He's the best, sweetest, caring, amazing, loving man ever. This song that I posted last time means so much. I love it, and it completely embodies what he does to me!

He wants to sing it together and that scares the everything out of me! But I promised I'd at least hum it today, so I guess I'll give it a try. I just hate to hear myself sing! Unlike my wonderful songbird boyfriend, I am not musically gifted. At least not in the ways that I would like! Everyone in my family is musically talented. My dad, mother, and brother can all play guitar and sing. I cannot. I can play 4 notes on a ukulele. That's all! I guess you have to start somewhere :)

I have no idea what we are doing today, but I love him and I will love everything we will do, even if it's just walking around downtown or relaxing around the house! We were talking about weddings last night (and every time we say we won't, we do!) and Nathan wants the fox invites:

Other things on Pinterest that suit my fancy:

I just noticed that I tend to color coordinate even if it's by accident.

Cheers!

yesterday

Yesterday was wonderful! Nathan and I texted (text?) all day and I got back on a regular sleep schedule! But what's better than that was we went to dinner, sang the Avett Brothers, kissed and cuddled in the restaurant like love birds, and I cheated on my diet (It was delicious. I forget what real food taste like sometimes), and then when we came home we had REAL blackberry cobbler that Nathan made for me! (It's extra special because he has battle wounds from fire ants and bushes because he PICKED them himself out of his yard -- What a man!)

It was delicious, and we cuddled until almost midnight, and then we had to say goodbyes. I hate those!

I get to see him again tonight for dinner at his house with his parents and Saturday is our one year and four month anniversary! It feels longer, and yet at the same time not as long as that. I love this man. We have gone through a lot together in this year and almost 4 months, and we have grown a lot. I see it a lot in Nathan. He has surprised me so much. He's sweet, and honest, and amazing, and always doing little sweet things for me, and he's grown into quite the man.

I like the words to this song. My boyfriend could sing it better, I think (and not as twangy).

"Elegant and soft
Feminine as you ought
One with earth and one with God
Won't you please forgive me
Won't you please forgive me

As the daylight sinks
As I fail to stop and think
Once I cursed the things I've done
Won't you please forgive me
Won't you please forgive me

Young bride take my name
Burn the questions burn the shame
You don't have to live by them
Won't you please forgive them
Won't you please forgive them

Sleep well when the night time falls
Wait 'till morning when I call
Don't believe the bad you saw
Won't you please forgive them

Tenderness and grace
How you've come this place
However dangerous or safe
I'll find within you
I'll find within you"

OMG, and this one:

 

I saw this cool thing from Pinterest from Wedding Chicks where you can make your own little monogram/initial iPhone paper, so of course I had to do it. Here it is! (and me getting ready for our date night out).

knights

Yesterday Nathan, my brother, my mom, and myself indulged in the Renaissance fair in Atlanta. It was so fun! I had been the year before with my brother, but it was better with everyone :) I ate a giant turkey leg and funnel cake straws and a deep fried Oreo! Nate got knighted and got real good at archery, my brother got an ocarina, my mom got a souvenir shirt, and I got a little head crown flower thing that Nate picked out and a little flag from the joust... jousting? I dunno, but it was fun despite my sunburn and perpetual full belly.

I weighed today and I'm down to 128! Crazy considering my goal was 135. Now it's 125, and I'm almost there! It's bizarre that I can't eat how I used to anymore. The sheer amount of food that I ate was... American. I loved every bit of it! Food is wonderful, and it's taken me a LONG time to learn that you can indulge in small quantities. It was just hard to retrain myself after 25 years of eating tons and tons of food.

Anyway, then Nate and I drove home and talked about everything ever pretty much. The day before yesterday was a rough one after a misunderstanding, and being able to understand one another yesterday made me happy. I have learned what a wonderful person Nathan is. I mean, I already knew, but things he told me that he didn't have to solidifies that and really helps me get over my trust hump that I can't seem to fully get over. (I have been cursed with not being able to trust a soul with my heart and it's taking time to try to not live that way!) We talked about family, God, marriage, morals, values... everything. It made me cry, in a good way. Then I got home and Nathan told me to check my mail. He had written me a letter that made me super cry again, in a good way.

I am so blessed to have him and I never ever want to be without him. He is my best friend and my heart and I can't thank God enough for placing us together. I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.