the happiest

Well, I had a busy day!

No sleep (because of Tango...) and then I went on a cleaning rampage to eradicate these little flea bastardos that have been inhabiting on my couch and my cat. I sprayed all the baseboards, and bombed the house and washed and vacuumed everywhere with flea powder. I am PRAYING so hard that I have finally killed these things.

After that I went to the gym and realized how out of shape I am, and then Nate came over and we made stuffed peppers, and went to Menchies and cuddled and just hung out at home and sang and laughed and it was the most perfect. I love nights like this one. Just being with him makes me realize what a lucky soul I am to have a wonderful man like Nathan. He's selfless and wonderful and just does his best to make me happy, and I try to do the same for him, but wow. He knocks it out of the park! He's just the sweetest and I love nothing more than looking at him and just taking it all in while we are just relaxing.

He's got my heart!

questions & such

     Is it weird to be put off by marriage talk even though I really want to be married?

     I know that it's because we have been talking about it for so long that I just feel like it's just a topic of conversation and not really ever going to happen. So, talking about it makes me sad and automatically get apathetic, where it should make my ovaries hurt and yearn for children and to be an old married couple. I think when I actually get engaged one day it will finally hit me. I'll get that fairytale wedding brain and butterflies in my stomach and see it happening. For now, it just makes me sad. How I yearn to have a husband share my bed with me every night and wake up to that same face every morning for the rest of my life. I see so many of my friends and family living this fantasy of mine and I feel so left behind and old. It's dumb and pointless of me to compare, I know. I don't even necessarily want The Day. The expensive, pretty, day where everything is supposed to go picture perfectly and families join as one. I want the aftermath. I just want the husband and the house. So do I stay apathetic and talk about it, or just pretend like it's not ever going to happen, which will in turn make the relationship pointless if I'm not thinking about marriage? This just seems like a never-ending cycle of sad.

encrypted elabortion on marriage questions/frustrations.

     Also, What is "happy" in a relationship? To me, all relationships need work and are not going to be butterflies and pony babies with kittens all the time. I understand that, and I have no problem with that, and that's pretty much reality.

(more encrypted text, but this time about happiness)

     I think I need to go to pre-pre-marriage counseling. Or hypothetical pre-marriage counseling. I need to make sure that whoever I marry is The One and I don't end up divorced. I need to be married for life. It is what I believe in, and what I was built for. I'm like a turtle dove. Or something.

 

     That song, Why Should the Fire Die by Nickel Creek makes me cry every time I hear it. It's just wonderful. The lines "Why should the fire die? My mom and dad kept theirs alive" makes me cry and makes me fast forward in my head and see myself with my husband in our 60's still so in love and working to make it wonderful after many years. I love it.

I have blogged two long blogs today.
I'm spent.

soup for breakfast

It's weird and all, but it works when you're sick.

I'm going on day 7 (Nathan is on day 9) of being sick. Everyday there is a new symptom it seems, or at least, things are getting worse. I can breathe out of my nose now, but my cough has reached croup-like status, and i have terrible cramps and and and... it's just awful. And if Nathan is any indication of what this thing will be like for me, I have at least another 2 days of this mess. It's terrible. All I can be grateful for is that I am not in nursing school, or doing an externship. I feel like I would have failed out by now and gotten fired. It's heavily debilitating. The day before yesterday I slept for 4 hours during the day and then slept all night. It's ridiculous.

I had the biggest breakfast yesterday! Nate made me a waffle (which I haven't had in year and years) and I had a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit, and fruit. It doesn't seem that huge, but those carbs had me going ALL day. Then we sat in the bed and drank tea and cuddled. It was wonderful :)

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do while I'm "young". I really want to travel. I have never been past West Virginia at the furthest, and I would love to go see Oregon, Colorado, Washington, California, even Texas! Just anywhere! I would love to see everything and take everything God has made! Why should I be limited to one coast? I shouldn't! Waking up to these different places would be wonderful and an experience of growth I believe. Like you leave home to find home. How can I know where I'm happiest if I never look?

Ahh. I would love it!

I also want to hike at least part of the AT, preferably with Nathan. You would super get to know each other better, that's for sure! I know at times I would hate it. Absolutely hate it and want to give up. But having encouragement and knowing how far I have hiked and knowing how awesome my legs would be at the end of it might be enough to keep me going!

I want to super travel oversees too. I'd love to just backpack across Europe for like a month, just taking in everything. Italy, Ireland, France, Japan, Germany, Greece, Spain... all of it! The architecture over there would be amazing to see, and I feel like it would be really moving. Just to know that hundreds and thousands of years ago these things were built for their beauty and not for their efficiency like over here. The top place I would love to go would be Israel. It really sucks that things are dangerous over there because I feel like that would be the best moment of my life. Seeing where my Savior was born and walked and taught. It gives me shivers! I'd probably cry the whole time like a baby.

There are SO many things that I even want to do here! All those times that Nathan and I just sit at home when we could be walking the Greenway, or visiting the botanical gardens, or exploring Athens, or Madison, or going to the Aquarium, or the World of Coke, or the Renaissance Fair, or visiting our coffee shop, or having a picnic. I just want to explore!

I am a very torn person. A lot of me is a homebody, and then there is a part of me that just loves to travel and run away from everything. I'm afraid that if I didn't have Nathan I would live my life as a nomad, taking crappy part time jobs everywhere just so I could save up enough money to go go go go. Life gets overwhelming and I want to escape. It's bizarre. Why would I want to run from everything I know to somewhere that I know nothing about? Maybe the newness of it all would be more overwhelming and would take my mind off of it. I don't know.

Enough of my ramblings.

the sickness

It seems that I have "the sickness".

And I'm not down with it (pun).

You know the one. The one where it creeps up on you overnight and gets you when you're least vulnerable. You wake up with a slightly stuffy nose that seems to get better throughout the morning. Then you hit exhaustion like a wall. After your nap, and really weird dreams due to fever, you wake up aching all over, you definitely can't breathe out of one nostril, and your throat is starting to scratch. Your head feels like an over inflated balloon, and you are filled with the weakness of an 80 year old. In fact, your head feels so full that you feel drunk. Your reaction time sucks, you can't think, and all you want to do is go back to bed. But that's impossible because you can't sleep because your nose decides that it doesn't know which side it really wants to stuff up, and your fever makes you hot and cold more than 15 times over an hour

That's the one.

No nausea yet (thank goodness).

What I feel like I look like.

What I feel like on the inside.

Nathan came over yesterday and hugged me and made me feel better before I went to school to take my first communications class. My teacher seems cool, so hopefully I'll pass this time (I have no choice: I have to pass).

On another note, I find myself really attached to Nathan lately. Like a whole lot. It's a weird thing. It's not the attachment where I feel like I can't trust him so I want him near me all the time. It feels more like I don't want to let him go. I just want to be near him all the time. Maybe it has to do with the passing of Mama Lou, realizing what I have and I don't want to lose it. I don't know. I just want to spend all of my time with him and just never let him go. When we got back from our trip I was so "moved" and just tearful because I wasn't with him anymore. I don't know if it's because he's my best friend and I just want to be with him, or what. I think I'm just so ready to be married and live with him everyday and wake up to him and see him and breathe him in everyday. Who knows.

Well I guess I'll just Pinterest and watch Law & Order until I can fall asleep.

nothing goes as planned

     This was a very hard week/weekend.

     I went on a trip with Nathan, as he had to go to Florida on business anyway, so we were going to go to the beach! Nothing really went as planned.

     The beach was cold and windy, we were both in foul moods, we got sunburned, and other issues arose.
And then the worst happened: Nathan's sweet grandma, Mama Lou passed away this morning.

“Death opens a door out of a little, dark room (that's all the life we have known before it) into a great, real place where the true sun shines and we shall meet.”- C.S. Lewis

     She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and I am glad that I knew her while I did. I wish that I had known Nathan longer, because I love him, but also because I would have known her more. She was just so genuinely nice and wonderful from the moment I met her. Nathan would tell me stories of her that reminded me of my own grandma, and I loved her as if she was my grandma. Mama Lou was really strong, especially in the end. She knew where she was going, and she wasn't afraid of it. She embraced it! She kept her sense of humor and so alert and oriented to everything around her until her serious decline. I am glad that I got to see her and talk with her and hear stories about her from Nathan. I am so sad for Nathan and his family because I know for sure how hard it is to lose someone you love, but at the same time I am relieved for Mama Lou. She is in Heaven and watching over everyone, and I find peace in that. I am sad though that I didn't get to know her more. It's sad that it's human nature to not realize what you have until it's gone. I do realize this with some people (my immediate family, and Nathan), and I spend as much time as I can with them. I know what it's like to have a sudden loss, and a gradual one. I can't imagine living with Nathan for 50 years and then losing him. He is already my best friend and I hate being even one day away from him now. I just can't even fathom the connection that you would have with someone that you lived with and were still in love with years and years after you first met. The person that you went through everything with, raised children with... just gone. The heartache must be incredible, and I am praying for Papa Sam.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S.Lewis

     Death is never fun, but I can say that every time a life is lost, especially one that I knew, it makes me realize just how much I have in the relationships with people in my life. I don't know that I would do if I lost Nathan. He's my everything! Everything I do, I have him in mind. I get pretty for him in the morning, I laugh with him, I tell him secrets that I have never told anyone, I pray with him, I talk to him all day, every day. I can't imagine never waking up to hear his voice again, or old his hand, or rest my head on his chest. Never smelling him again, or hearing his laugh, or feeling his hugs... ugh! It makes me cry just thinking about it. The loss of that would devastate me, and I pray that I never have to go through that. It seems so selfish to wish to pass away before your significant other so you don't have to deal with the loss of the other half of yourself, but I am not too big headed to admit that I am too fragile and weak to recover from that.

     I am just praying for peace of mind for his family, and comfort and support for his grandfather, and good memories of Mama Lou for her children and grandchildren.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

thoughts and love and things

Life as an adult is HARD.

What I wouldn't give to be a kid again with forever summers and no responsibilities and free food and housing, unlimited time with your friends, a bountiful imagination, a certain naivety that escapes us as we grow up, and zero stress. I wouldn't give up my sweetest boyfriend and best friend, Nathan, and I wouldn't give up my maturity and experience... but all of the kids stuff would be fantastic. I think about being a kid and it makes me want to cry because I will never have that EVER again. I probably spend an abnormally long amount of time thinking about when I was little, before tons of bad things happened in my life and the lives of others around me. Playing until it got dark, coloring, making up stories, having tea parties, playing hide and seek, super nintendo, and recording your favorite songs on TAPE off of the RADIO. And then, I think about how stupid I was when I was little and I couldn't wait to grow up.

Now, I am adult. I have school, hours upon hours of studying and less and less of sleep, stress coming from all directions, money worries, job worries, relationship strain, spiritual crises! Oh, the joys of being an adult. I can't complain though. I have learned a lot. I value so much in my life. I love my family, my friends that I meet everyday, my boyfriend, how much I've grown spiritually... All of this because I grew up.

I'm still super immature in some areas though... but that can't be helped. Right now I should be making more drug cards for OB, and studying for an OB test, and looking at GA legislative stuff regarding nursing, but here I am listening to Law and Order and blogging. Some things never change :)

Boyfriend and I had an awesome mountain date in the gloominess on Sunday. We went to a really cool antique store in Sautee, and went to the Sweetwater Coffeehouse and Nate got me a brownie that was mega super awesome, and we had chai teas and we played mancala and mushed and went to this other place in Helen but I can't remember the name and we got wings and listened to drunk people yell about football and came back home and cuddled and looked at wedding venues even though we aren't even engaged. But it was the best! I LOVE the mountain dates. LOVE them. I love the drive because I get to hold hands with Nate and sing and laugh and talk about everything under the sun. He's my best friend, and I'm so glad that he's mine!

I started my first OB clinical today! I got to feel the fundus of a postpartum patient and a patient at 20 weeks, I got to administer medication and give a Tdap shot, remove an INT, assess a postpartum patient, and I got to let a lady hear her fetal heartbeat with the doppler! It was an amazing day and further reaffirmed why I am busting my butt and crying and stressing over school. I will LOVE being a nurse!

I am so thankful for everything that I have in my life and how things have turned out. I remember being so stressed to get INTO nursing school, and now I have a semester under my belt and only 3 more to go until I am BSN Wilson. I got the externship at the hospital on the medical floor for the summer! I am SO nervous/excited. It will be a learning experience for sure!

Ok, I am going to go to bed I think. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 tomorrow!

Lovefool

I have become a lovefool, but that should not be a surprise to anyone.

One week to the day until I can see my love again. (I just noticed that my blogging has increased quite a bit, and all of the blogs are sappy). I'm not suffering from separation anxiety yet, but I do miss him a whole lot. I have errands to run today, and here I am blogging and editing photos from last weekend. Probably not the wisest of my decisions. Also, my boyfriend and I saw Harry Potter and boy did I cry.

I miss my boyfriend. I said that already.
We are either leaving for Florida tonight, or tomorrow, and I haven't packed. Not that I really care what I look like. I am going with family, and I am going to enjoy my time on the beach and at the pool sipping drinks and getting fresh air... and missing my boyfriend. I am ridiculous, I know. But, he is my best friend, and when you don't have your best friend around then who are you going to do best friend things with? I miss him dearly.

I was talking to my mom today (... or the other day... no matter) about relationships. As we were talking, the weird idea came tumbling into my brain of "what if my boyfriend is my future husband?" and it really took me back. It seems silly that I hadn't actually thought of this earlier, since I have been on a quest for a so-called perfect man to become my husband since I matured. But, I think because I was younger and dating, I always just dated and assumed that maybe one day I would marry the person, and maybe not, trying so hard not to get attached to something that may not last forever. In many aspects I am glad for thinking this way, because if I didn't and put all my hopes into any number of someones then I would be in world of trouble now, married to the wrong person and living miserably for the rest of eternity. Then I think back to the wave of DUH that hit... What if my boyfriend is "the one"?

It's scary and bizarre and wonderful and curious and hopeful all at the same time. Do you just "know"? Some people say that they believe in love at first sight, and some have been together years and years before they get married. I guess I won't know. For some reason though, the idea of dating my maybe future husband kind of weirds me out. Or maybe I shouldn't think that way? But I have to because you have to talk about kids and if there is a possibility of a future and finances and beliefs and all of the adult things that I am not ready to face yet. It stresses me out just thinking about it. I don't want to seem crazy, but if things progressed/stayed the same that they are now, I could marry my boyfriend in the future. I absolutely could. But that sounds crazy and I don't want my boyfriend to think I'm crazy and a stereotypical woman even though I am. A typical woman; not crazy. (These frenzied thoughts drive me crazy.) I am deeply in love with him and I can see a future, and babies and a house and love and family and all kinds of things. But I feel like I shouldn't be thinking these things because we have only been dating for almost 6 months and so much could happen on either side of the spectrum of relationship stuff. Did I mention that my name totally sounds good with his last name? (I'm a creep) ...I am an idiot.

But here I am, almost 25 (dear goodness), and I have to think of this stuff. It's like my biological clock is making me think these things. At 18 I'd feel like I had all the time in the world, and oh what I would give to have the lack of responsibility that I did back then. It's not that I feel the need to have babies right away, because that's absolutely not how I feel. I truly want to enjoy my husband for awhile before that happens. I think that I am just ready to spend the rest of my life with someone that I deeply care about. I never liked to date, and I still don't, and all I want is something pure and happy that I can have forever. Is that so hard? I guess so... and I know that God will place me with the right person (if my boyfriend isn't). I think because I am a woman, and a hopeless romantic, seeing people get engaged and have babies makes me envious. Although, now that I think about it, I haven't been envious of those things as much as I am just happy for them. Maybe it's because I am in a very fulfilling relationship at the moment and it doesn't matter to my heart what may or may not happen; it just knows that I am happy now.

I don't know. All I know is that I am in love, and I miss my love, and I would give anything to see him right now.

Separation

Not in the way that the title implies ;)

My sweet boyfriend has to go on a trip to learn about his new job, and I am going on probably one of the last "family" vacations I'll ever have before I have my own. He will be in (South Carolina, I think) and I will be in Florida. I miss him already. It will be 8 days before I see him again.

I showed him my last blog, since he was curious and he liked it. It's scary having someone read your thoughts, but it turned out for the best I think. I really, really love this man. I am probably the most annoying person to my friends, as he is to his, since we both ga-ga on Facebook all the time. I can't help it. I am happy and I deserve to be, and if I feel the need to share it, then goodness gracious I'm going to.

One thing that I need to work on is reading more. About God in particular. I'm going to bring my Women's Bible with me on vacation. Although I pray a lot to God, it would do me good to depend on him more and learn about him. I feel that Him gifting me with a love that I haven't ever know has "distracted" me from God. I don't mean that in a bad way at all! I just feel that God has given me this man to enjoy and to fall in love with, and just as I am taking this man in with every bit of my being, I need to pray more and thank God more and put more of my faith into Him. I think this "break" of not seeing my worldly Love will give me a balance of time that I can spend reading and growing in God. I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and even though sometimes I need to reassure myself, I know that nothing God does is an accident. We were meant to spend this week or so apart. Maybe myself to learn and grow closer to my family, and maybe for him to grow closer to his and get everything in line for himself. Either way, I will pray that I don't go insane. Even though I have faith in God, I am human, and my mind wanders towards insecurity at lightning speeds. Prayer does wonders, God works in mysterious ways, and he calms my mind and soul.

Tracking back, since my mind runs a million miles a minute and can't keep anything properly grouped together, after reading my blog, this is what Hipsterjack wrote back to me:

"That's the sweetest, most beautiful thing I've ever read :) I am so in love with you (insert full name here). God is looking out for us and I see good things in the future. You are my best friend now, and you mean the world to me, I mean that <3"

I really honestly don't remember having a love like this. The other night we just laid together and tangled up in each other and talked and laughed and took each other in. It was wonderful. He makes me feel like the most important person, and he told me tonight that it was because I was the most important person to him. He's a romantic; even if not in the conventional sense with the showering of gifts and grandeur displays of affection. He cares about how I feel, in all meanings of that definition and that can be the most romantic thing ever. We have both agreed that we are turning each other into romantic saps, but we both don't care. It's a wonderful feeling, and I hope it lasts a long time.

There's a line in a Nickel Creek song that says "Why should the fire die?/ my mom and dad, kept theirs alive". This line, however simple, really spoke to me. Why does the romance have to die? Why can't both people work to keep it? Or was it never there to begin with? I feel like hidden in these moments of young debt made up of college and car loans, and frugality of cheap dates lies a romance that has to be mustered up out of "want". When there isn't money to be spent, you just have each other, and you can either make the most of it or complain that you have no money and look forward to the "well, one day I'll have money and we can do this or that". We play scrabble and backgammon or hang out at his house and watch TV with his family, and I hear life stories from his parents while he plays guitar. We drink coffee and enjoy each others' stories and companies and tell each other little ditty's of love for each other that would be nauseating to anyone other than us. We walk around the mall, hand in hand, taking turns in each others' favorite stores and eat cheap food court food. Every once in awhile, we will splurge and see a movie, and melt together entwined in our seats. I love this simple love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He has my heart. So again, if we have this now, can I hope that it will stay? I pray it will.

I said it again: prayer. I live on prayer. I need prayer. I have conversational prayer with God, as if he is speaking back, and in my mind I feel that he is in his own way. I have heard of people physically hearing the voice of God. I have not, to my recollection, and I do not dismiss it as fact. But, I don't need a physical response to know that he is listening. When I pray, I feel safe. It's as if a blanket of calm envelopes me and I am physically and mentally rejuvenated. I've prayed to stop swearing, and I have been a lot better about it. I am a very thankful person to everyone, and I am trying to be more open about it (another lesson that I learned from my boyfriend). I figure things out when I pray. I voice a problem to God. I don't hold back. He knows when I am mad or depressed or upset or happy or in love, so why not vocalize these things to Him? I do, and when I am mad, for example, telling Him that I am mad eventually works itself out to where I am tired, and even though I am mad, maybe even at Him, that if I hold on and trust Him, it will all be okay. In my experiences, this is true. At my deepest, darkest times, I was never mad at God. I held out, even when I felt like giving up, and He made me a deeper, truer believer than I ever have been.

Which takes me back to my boyfriend. Oh, how I have waited for a love like this. I would cry and beg and pray to God for a date (even just a date!) with a nice man. I waited and waited, and God rewarded me with someone so special and precious to me, that I wouldn't change it for the world. I will never be the way I was a few years ago ever again. Never will I take anything good for granted. I am very blessed, and I owe everything in my life to God. God created situations for me, both easy and difficult, so that I may grow as a person. I know that my trials are not over; I have a long life to live if he sees fit, and I'm sure they will not all be walks in the park. But, I have learned SO much through these things. I have learned to place all of my faith in Him. When I feel sad or insecure or worry about things that I shouldn't, I immediately turn to God for solace and peace of mind and in a matter of minutes, I feel better. He has shown me to never take a love for granted, and if you love someone, you will work through things to make it. He has softened me emotionally, and made me more able to feel love and if I'm happy, heck, I cry about it! I don't play games anymore. I don't tempt "fate" and I don't try and get more than I deserve. God has made a real woman out of me; a good Christian woman, and to see the transformation in myself makes me feel wonderful.

This isn't to say that I'm not human. I'm VERY MUCH human, and I am very much full of faults. My faults, I have learned, to not beat myself up over. Mistakes happen, and they are only real mistakes if you don't learn from them. I am tempted everyday by things that may not seem like a fault to many.

I think one of the sweetest things that my boyfriend has ever said to me is that I am the sweetest love that he has ever known besides God. That makes me feel so special. I may be a sap, but tying in his religion to me means a lot to me. My faith is so huge to me, and I am trying to make it a much larger piece of my life and I would love for us to both grow in it. I think that when I move in to my house, I would like to go to church with my boyfriend and his family so we can grow together. It is a sense of closeness that means a lot to both of us.

On a side note: It's interesting to see our relationship unfold from the beginning. I do hope and pray that we will have many, many, many more stories and pages to fill together.

I've rambled too long. It's time to practice the ukulele and pray to my Savior :)

Pouring.

    I was reading this Bible app that I have today, and the plan that I started reading really hit close to home. It read:

"Psalm 6:6

Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and He will help you turn your attention from yourself to Him and His mercy."

     This is just what I needed to read concerning my situation with my guy. I need to let God take control of the situation. I know that God will do what he will, and that it will turn out how it is supposed to. I feel like I really have met someone that is just amazing, and we have so much in common. I asked God today why this was happening, and in all honesty, I am mad. I am mad that after so long, something good finally comes along, and He is taking it away from me again. I know that I shouldn't be mad at God, or mad in general, but after so long and so many broken pieces of my heart, I just wish that it would work out. I PRAY that it will work out. Maybe I should be thinking of it in a matter of "well if he really liked me then he wouldn't leave to take a job somewhere so far away", but I can't be like that. Like myself, I do want the best for him, and if it's in Chicago, even though my heart would be broken, then so be it. I feel like it will happen, because I am going on Spring Break for a week, and he will be in another place during the same time, and it's like God is preparing me for letting go. I just want a wonderful love, and when my heart starts to fill with it again, to have it ripped from me AGAIN, I just don't know what would happen.

     I know that I am pretty solid individual, and I read somewhere that what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, but my heart can only take so much. He said to me today that the whole thing weighs heavy on his head/heart. I know he likes me, and I like him. It is the first time in a long time that I have felt that way. It is the first time in a long time that I have been able to stifle urges of mistrust. Most importantly, it is the first time that I have been really HAPPY in a long long long long long LONG time. I mean, truly happy.

     My friend who introduced me to the church that I visit when I have time, actually told me that she made a list of the perfect man that God could give her, and about 2 weeks later she met her now husband. I took her advice and made a list. This guy fits my list. It is the first time that I had ever shared that list with anyone, and he fits it. Perfectly. It is amazing. I feel like it is a gift. He is a gift. I met him for some reason. GOD made me meet him for some reason. I feel like he is an answer to my prayers, and I just don't want him to leave. I do not at all. It is easier for me to type these things than it is for me to say them. This is my being honest with God. This is my outpouring of how bad I want this. I want to fall in love and be happy and have a pure love not based on sex. I want what he is giving me. I could say that I love this man, as a person. Not in love, the kind where you freak someone out by saying it, but the love that I have for my dearest friends. (and now I think I understand how he meant that we were friends; it just clicked). I love his soul, his personality, his warmth, his compassion. We cried together, and we held each other.

     I just want this to last, and I want this to be wonderful. The money doesn't matter to me. I want him around. I just pray so hard right now that this will work out as a compromise. Dear Lord, can he please stay and can he please get a job here? Please. Here in Georgia so that we can be all around happy. That would be the greatest thing ever. :) I love you and Amen.