Things and Worries and More

It's 7:00 in the morning and I have been up since midnight! Big giant sad face ;(

Mostly studying for my final today, kind of Christmas shopping, lots of thinking (which can be a bad thing), and lots of reading The Good Book, little sleep, lots of cuddling with my kitten, and a little hot chocolate (even though the weather is very much like Spring here...).

I am in a very hard place right now. Things in my life and other's lives are weighing on me. Family has caused Nathan and I some trouble and stress lately, my stomach is (cross my fingers) a little better, or has been the past couple of days, I am financially strapped, wishing I could do more for Christmas, I am hopelessly searching for jobs, and losing sleep.

Pre-marital counseling has been wonderful, although this last session I feel kind of blah. Dare I say it, worse than before? I think it is because I haven't really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my past. I find my mind wandering to places they shouldn't, in regards to past hurts, and God knows there's a lot of them with varying degrees of actual hurt involved. When I look back though, they all hurt the same. I have always battled self esteem problems, and as of late they are at a peak, causing me some really serious grief. I feel that I am pushing my partner away, and driving myself crazy. The hurt that I bring upon myself with memories and self-deprivation-of-my-happiness-talk is awful. I pray a lot about it, and the only thing that seems to help is prayer. I just feel like Nathan thinks I am crazy and doesn't understand. It's a horrible cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Throw on top of that all of my financial troubles, our impending wedding, school, lack of a real job, family issues, etc, things can get pretty crazy. I find that I really want to cry. Not all the time, but when I think of everything and think of how OVERWHELMING life is at the moment, that's when I want to cry. I need to just bawl. Like can't breathe, sob. I don't want to do it alone, but then I get embarrassed to do it in front of Nathan.

I want to truly feel beautiful, and like I'm worth keeping around and fighting for. Like my personality is worth something too. For some reason, I just don't. I feel like I'm the worst. And I hate that. I have these conflicting thoughts in my head where I try to feel good about myself, but then I sit and point out to myself every flaw that I can find. And then I worry that Nathan will find someone better, which makes me upset, which makes him upset, which makes fights happen, which makes me stress more. It's horrible. The question is, HOW do I fix it?

How can I get married when I feel this way? I love this man, but my distrust of everyone makes it very difficult to give everything away. If I harden just a piece of my heart, it won't ever get hurt. But then it never gets used, and then I always feel like I'm holding something back in preparation of something happening. Do I take a break? Do I run away? That won't fix a problem, but it could mend it temporarily. Sometimes the thought of a temporary mind vacation is very appealing. But I would lose my everything. I would lose Nathan, and I don't want that.

The things Nathan writes to me are amazing. They make me cry in a good way. If I could hear those things, then maybe my heart would rest. Having a heart to heart with him could really help things... but I hear the same things all the time. I feel like he doesn't know what to say, or can't say anything that sounds absolutely genuine. Not genuine in that he doesn't mean it, but genuine in that it's a profound something that's coming from his heart about how I am feeling. I need a good cry with him.

My heart is damaged. How to fix it? Go back through a childhood of hurt and stir up things that I never knew existed? Probably, and that may be what I am feeling now. Our counselors are brilliant, and maybe I am grieving something that happened. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been holding back my heart and I know what it has cost and that I don't know how to change it. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because when I hear Nathan say that I am beautiful, but I don't feel like he means it, or that it's true at all. I don't know. How do I know if what I am feeling is wrong, or if it is a gut feeling to run away? So many feelings... they make life difficult.

Apart from all of my feelings, Nathan took me to The Fox and we got dressed up to see The Nutcracker, which was amazing, although the evening was not particularly so. I got to see him play his Christmas show at church, which was a greater gift, honestly. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted every time I looked on up and saw him smiling at me from behind his trombone. If I could feel like that all the time, I'd be alright! I mean, I truly felt happiness at that moment. No gifting, no money spent, nothing overtly "special". But the fact that he was in his element of making music, and looking at me and smiling like he was proud... man. That really makes me want to cry. It's an incredible feeling when that happens, because unfortunately, I don't really feel that way often. Maybe it was because he was in a room with tons and tons of people, and making music, and with tons of people who were playing music, and it was his night, and yet, he still looked at ME. It truly made me feel special. I want that feeling every day of my life!

He has grown so much... I mean truly. I am so proud to call him mine! And that is what I am afraid of losing. Potentially the only really "good" man in my life. Something so treasured and everything that I have wanted and asked God for, and I am afraid that He will take him away, or let him walk away, or be led astray. It is my greatest fear; to be alone. I know I am not truly ever alone (God helps me a lot), but having my best friend be my almost-husband is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I could use a huge Nathan bear hug right about now. I would just cry and cry and feel better.

I go through these phases where I feel fantastic, so I kind of slack on church, and being involved with God. I think this is one of those harder places where I realize this; that I have to maintain a relationship and stand firm and go to church EVERY Sunday even if I don't want to get out of bed. I wish that I could physically hear from God that I am beautiful and that I am exactly what I am supposed to be and that Nathan is The One. Hearing that ultimate TRUTH would change everything, but I have not, or if I have, I have refused to hear it. I am a bitter, wounded woman, and I need to heal. I want to experience joy and happiness in my life every day, not just some days. I am really hoping that through prayer and talking with Nathan and understanding each others' needs and counseling that happy days are around the corner.

love love love!

Things are bittersweet here.

Nathan and I had the most incredible weekend last weekend together. Nothing planned, but we went home to see my mom and actually pretty much spent the weekend alone! We got to cuddle, talk late into the night, laugh a lot, eat cupcakes, cruise the mall, AND on Sunday we actually got our wedding bands! Mine are (I got 2 ahh!) shiny and beautiful and vintage and amazing, and his is gorgeous and manly, and simple and so him. It warmed my very heart to see that ring on his finger! I'm used to seeing mine since I have had my shiny for a few months! I can't wait to make that man my husband! 

I passed all but one of my nursing tests (I failed by 2 points, something that I am actually relieved by after taking that research test... Dang).  I found my bridesmaids! Three sweet ladies from my nursing class are going to help me walk down the aisle! Who would have thought?! I have to get in hardcore saving mode.

Also, when I went home, the scale read 125 point something, but 125! Also, since then I have been a little lax eating Oreos and cream puffs from work! Work kills my diet. They are always making tasty treats! So, I actually bought a 400-calorie meal thing from Barnes and Noble this weekend, and I'm going to get back on track.

OH! And we had our engagement pictures made! They are beautiful! Well, the 3 preview pictures we had!
Our friend Carrie-Ann (who co-owns In Sienk Photography with her husband, Scott) took them, and they look wonderful! I cannot wait to get the rest back :)

Ahh! <3

With the ups, there are always downs, and we hit a low this week. I have unspoken prayer requests for my Mom and Dad. Financial trouble has been a HUGE burden on my family the last few years, and it doesn't seem to be lightening up anytime soon. Prayers are needed and appreciated! Also, Nathan's parents need some prayers too. We just need prayers all around!

Nathan and I are going to marriage counseling again next Saturday! I can't wait! But that also means that I need to get on the ball with my reading. I'm such a procrastinator it hurts. But, this really, really opened doors for us and I can't wait to learn and talk more with these Godly people and each other. This is going to do us wonders before we get married!

Speaking of which, yesterday was 13 months to the day of our marriage! Ahhh! I'll leave this post with that :)

verses

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.

There are days when I go completely crazy and I want to cry my eyes out and get away for a weekend of my own and pray and ask for everything to be revealed to me before I lose my head. Today was one of these days.

I have been enormously blessed for the past week and my prayers for peace and comfort have been answered. I have been the happiest I have been in awhile, and then today, I lost my peace. I think I am terrified of getting married and being "stuck". What happens if this isn't "right"? What happens if I get married and it's so much more difficult than it is now? I can't think of divorce as an option because I don't EVER want to have to go through that. I know I am just supposed to trust God, and I am truly trying, but sometimes not knowing is so stressful. I want to be married right now, immediately. I want to come home to Nathan every night and cook dinner, and be so happy. And at the same time I am so scared. Terrified that we will repeat our own parents' mistakes. I know no one is perfect, but oh how I pray for a happy, smooth sailing marriage.

Sometimes I find myself bartering with God. Telling him that I will never do such and such ever again or I WILL do so and so again just to find out SOMETHING. When I don't hear an answer I am not surprised. I know that's not how it works, yet I still find myself bartering. Over and over. Pleading and crying. I know in good time things will be resolved in one way or another, but it's SO hard to wait. Terribly hard. My gift of indecisiveness drives me insane sometimes. I never know what I want. For a career, in love, in life, etc. But how do I deal with it? I can pray I guess.

Prayers.

I need prayers for my cousin Zach, who found out that he had a tumor in his lung the size of a tennis ball. We are praying it isn't cancer, but if it is, we pray that it hasn't spread and can be treated.

climbing

I'm still working towards my goal of a stress-free, worry-free, confident me!

I found another verse today that really made me smile and gave me a great comfort:

"When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."" - Psalm 30:6

It just gives me more of a reason to find my peace. Once I find it, and feel secure, I will never be shaken again. I just need to get there. Sometimes it feels like fighting a battle that I will never win, but lately things have been a lot easier. If I have a bad moment, I pray or read or think about something else, and it seems to melt away. Today I was genuinely happy! I was reading and researching couples bible studies and devotionals (which Nathan and I both want to get into), and a really cool bible for engaged couples that I super want, and I printed out a little preview of Beth Moore's "So long insecurity" devotional/journal. I read a lot today, and it really helped. It always seems that when I hit a low place my heart knows that I need to get closer to God. When I come back to Him, my life is 100% better.

So why do we stray? It's like when things get better and start going awesome, we take it for granted, EVERY time. It makes me sad. I really want Nathan and I to establish a necessary, awesome relationship with God and base all of our decisions and our marriage off of him. I am going to super stay on this path and really try to keep it that way. I like being happy, and talking with Nathan and praying and learning about God makes me really, really happy.

Here's to becoming a better, stronger, more confident, loving woman!

Insecurity

It's something that I struggle with, and I seem to have been struggling with it a lot more recently than I have in a long time. One incident brought back a world of hurt that happened in the past, and now I question everything. All the devotion, I compare myself to others, I feel not good enough, not even good enough to make it through the nursing program, or be a fit fiancée to my love, or a good enough servant to God. I am trying to fix this.

Nathan and I have been talking about marriage counseling, as we have both heard that it is the smart thing to do before you get married. I am both excited and scared at the same time. Surely things will be uncovered that we both do not want to talk about, but have to be talked about. But hopefully things will be resolved.

I am also going to do a lot of reading about restoring faith and security in yourself through God and prayer, and counseling if need be. I am not above counseling. Talking can help so, so much, and that's what I believe I need! I'm just so tired of feeling insecure. I shouldn't be.

I have a fiancé who is wonderful, and has only let me down once, a job, I got into and am still hanging in nursing school, I have family that love me very much, I have friends (though not as many or as near as I would like), and I'm not hideous. God gifted me with a bumpy nose and a scar forever reminding me of my close call with death, child birthing hips, long toes, speckled skin (speckled is nicer than acne and sunspots), lumpy legs, and little boobies. It's what I have. I am grateful to be alive, and I am not the fattest, or the skinniest, or the ugliest or the prettiest, or the fittest or the most sedentary person in the world. I should be grateful. There's not anything terribly wrong.

Some days I feel pretty, and others I want to hide my ugly mug. Some days I feel skinny, and other days I want to hide my "fat" under a giant sweatshirt. Some days I think about the best things and smile and laugh, and other days I think about my insecurities and trust issues and want to cry and hide in the bed under the covers. It's not an everyday thing, just a common thing, which any more than "rarely" is a problem. I am trying hard to remedy this.

I feel like my fiancé doesn't understand. It's much different to be a woman in this world than a man, let alone a Christian woman trying to do things right. I know that I shouldn't be envious or covet or compare myself. The Bible tells me so. I know that I should forgive and forget, because the Bible tells me so. And maybe that's why it is so hard. I do all of these things, and I have a hard time forgetting past crimes (in fact, they replay like films in my head, and I can remember every vivid, terrible detail). Not just recent ones but things that have happened years ago. Somehow I group them all together, and they play in a stream one after the other until I want to run away and cry. Literally run away. Like to the other side of the country (or world) and lose my phone, run away. Cut all ties to everything familiar. It's bizarre, but it's the only way I know to cope, is to ignore it.

I think I have finally ignored everything to the point of bursting. Everything has been collecting in my head and heart, and it's finally bursting at the seams. Anxiety is the result. An extreme anxiety that results in chest pains, sweating, and panic attacks. It's torture. If I can cure it with prayer and counseling alone, praise God. If I need medication, so be it.

We learned in nursing school that things like anxiety generally become a problem when aspects of your daily life (or activities of daily living) are compromised. Mine are. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get distant immediately at the thought of one of these things, I literally have to restrain myself from running away, and I can't sleep at night. It's horrific.

I need God, support from my fiancé, and lots of prayers.

I want to be whole again.
But this is hard.

this makes me the happiest girl in the world

No more traveling :)

God has answered my prayers! It may have taken a year, but it happened! After all the tears and worrying, God was taking care of us this whole time.

nothing goes as planned

     This was a very hard week/weekend.

     I went on a trip with Nathan, as he had to go to Florida on business anyway, so we were going to go to the beach! Nothing really went as planned.

     The beach was cold and windy, we were both in foul moods, we got sunburned, and other issues arose.
And then the worst happened: Nathan's sweet grandma, Mama Lou passed away this morning.

“Death opens a door out of a little, dark room (that's all the life we have known before it) into a great, real place where the true sun shines and we shall meet.”- C.S. Lewis

     She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and I am glad that I knew her while I did. I wish that I had known Nathan longer, because I love him, but also because I would have known her more. She was just so genuinely nice and wonderful from the moment I met her. Nathan would tell me stories of her that reminded me of my own grandma, and I loved her as if she was my grandma. Mama Lou was really strong, especially in the end. She knew where she was going, and she wasn't afraid of it. She embraced it! She kept her sense of humor and so alert and oriented to everything around her until her serious decline. I am glad that I got to see her and talk with her and hear stories about her from Nathan. I am so sad for Nathan and his family because I know for sure how hard it is to lose someone you love, but at the same time I am relieved for Mama Lou. She is in Heaven and watching over everyone, and I find peace in that. I am sad though that I didn't get to know her more. It's sad that it's human nature to not realize what you have until it's gone. I do realize this with some people (my immediate family, and Nathan), and I spend as much time as I can with them. I know what it's like to have a sudden loss, and a gradual one. I can't imagine living with Nathan for 50 years and then losing him. He is already my best friend and I hate being even one day away from him now. I just can't even fathom the connection that you would have with someone that you lived with and were still in love with years and years after you first met. The person that you went through everything with, raised children with... just gone. The heartache must be incredible, and I am praying for Papa Sam.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S.Lewis

     Death is never fun, but I can say that every time a life is lost, especially one that I knew, it makes me realize just how much I have in the relationships with people in my life. I don't know that I would do if I lost Nathan. He's my everything! Everything I do, I have him in mind. I get pretty for him in the morning, I laugh with him, I tell him secrets that I have never told anyone, I pray with him, I talk to him all day, every day. I can't imagine never waking up to hear his voice again, or old his hand, or rest my head on his chest. Never smelling him again, or hearing his laugh, or feeling his hugs... ugh! It makes me cry just thinking about it. The loss of that would devastate me, and I pray that I never have to go through that. It seems so selfish to wish to pass away before your significant other so you don't have to deal with the loss of the other half of yourself, but I am not too big headed to admit that I am too fragile and weak to recover from that.

     I am just praying for peace of mind for his family, and comfort and support for his grandfather, and good memories of Mama Lou for her children and grandchildren.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

the best

I had the best day! I always have the best days when I can be with Nate, especially when they are impromptu dates! He always makes me the happiest and I can forget all of my troubles when I'm with him. He's simply the sweetest man!I love talking with him and hugging him and just BEING with him. I have been blessed.

rough days

I can't wait for school to be over.

I super enjoy my mental health clinicals... for the most part. The hardest thing is watching children- KIDS- talking about sexual abuse that they have endured, and acting out, and trying to kill themselves, and just messing up their lives, and other people ruining them... It's just hard. That on top of 3 tests this week, numerous projects, and no time, my nerves are pretty much shot. Thank goodness for my hero of a boyfriend. We are going on a mountain date! Those are the best dates. I get to breathe in the fresh air, drink coffee, play mancala, listen to Nathan play guitar, people watch, and just take it all in. I can't wait to live in the mountains someday!

It's seriously the best. Mountains, the one I love, and peace :) I couldn't think of a more perfect place! Rain or shine :) I love it I love it I love it!

God, please get me through this week!
And prayers are welcomed for my upcoming Med Surg and 2 OB tests this week. Thanks!

mountains

Well, I worked out today for the first time in probably a year... yeah. But I did well and hiked about 2 miles up and down a mountain :) It was wonderful! I just miss Nathan though!

He went camping with his dad last night, and I could have gone, but I need to be working on school stuff... instead, I made a new Facebook page and slept a lot. I won't get to see him until Tuesday night! I can't stand it!

School is almost over and I couldn't be happier!
Too bad I don't get a real Summer break and I need God to get me through these last few weeks!

Prayers prayers prayers!

valentine's day

It'll be Valentine's Day in an hour.

Tomorrow I will be doing a clinical from 6 in the morning until around 3, unless God makes it so it snows and freezes the roads and I don't have to go. Please please please please let it happen, Oh Lord.

The rest of the day will be with Nate, and having dinner at home.

I'm going to bed.

moments and rings

So, I got my jewelry stuff and I made a few rings! I am going to take some pictures and post them sometime. I made a few 1.5 mm staking silver rings, and a couple of 4 mm silver bands. I have been interested in this for awhile, and then I found an instructables thing about how to make rings (will post link later!). I am in love! It's so fun! I even set one with a diamond (I had one diamond earring, and just used it)! I am seriously thinking about opening an etsy shop just for funsies and seeing where it goes. Nathan is super supportive, which helps a lot!

Man, today...

I had a test today in mental health nursing, then I had a mental breakdown this evening! Moments like that are hard to describe. The feelings that I felt tonight were a mix of sad, numb, love, etc. Hormones... awesome friends they are. Especially mixed with life crises. GOD hear my prayers, and please keep my brain from wandering to places they shouldn't be. AMEN. This month is a busy one. I have my cousin's wedding next weekend, my one year anniversary with Nathan, Valentine's Day, projects and tests galore... phew!

I am exhausted.

Holy

I want to become a holier woman. I think that means less time online looking at things that don't matter and things that make life harder. I need to pray more. I need to read about Him more. I need to go back to where I was when I started this journey a long time ago. Things were better then. Bad days weren't as bad because I KNEW that they would get better and good days were wonderful because I knew they were a gift. It's sad how bad things have to happen for me to come crawling back asking for saving. I just need to stay that way all the time, inward, holy thinking and outward love and forgiveness. It's hard to live like that. I have a lingering weird feeling over me. I don't know what to do in general. I'm kind of sad, but more just "blah".
Not depression blah, but just... I don't know. Life is hard now. Lots of sad, hard things are going on and it seems that less and less happy things are going on. I want everything to be wonderful again. I need to pray and I need prayers and I need time.

whitening teef is wut?

Ow-ch. in preparation for my new pearly whites (gap closing session TOMORROW! Eek!), I was told that it was a good idea to whiten my teeth to how I want them to be before bonding. This is because the whitening afterwards will not whiten the bonding, so I said, ok, I'll make them really white and then I'll just keep up with that every 6 months or so. No big deal right?

Wrong.

I got this teeth whitening stuff by Opalescence. I am supposed to wear it in a tray for 2-4 hours per the manufacturers instructions. Now, don't get me wrong, this stuff works like magic! In 2 hours my teeth were at least a few shades whiter, but oh man. The pain that my teeth were in. I brushed my teeth at around 3 AM, and man. The worst pain I have ever felt! Sensitivity is to be expected, but dude. This was no sensitivity. In fact, my teeth felt BETTER when introduced to hot stuff. That's no sensitivity.

I made my brother go to the store and get me some Sensodyne, which helped pretty much nil. So then I went and got some extra strength big daddy guns Orajel. It was green and I was rocking a fierce monster face.

That helped a little, but guh. I was drooling everywhere. It was hot. 8|

Anyway, I had been up for like 30 hours or something by noon, so I was flipping exhausted, but my teeth hurt just so bad! Finally the pain started to subside and after around 7 pm, I passed out. Like, dropped in the bed and was out before I even hit the pillow. My phone wasn't on silent and Nate called me like 4 times and I STILL didn't hear it if that gives you any idea of the amount that I was exhausted.

Anyway, lesson learned. If you're going to gel whiten your teeth with a 20% solution, do it for 30 minutes and work yourself up. Guhhhh.

I am so excited for new teeth tomorrow! Also, I can't wait to see Nathan. I think we are going to go to a cornmaze and carve plampkins (pumpkins) and be lovey and stuff because I miss him.

Also, thanks for prayers to every soul out there who took the time for me. I think I did at least okay on my pharmacology test. :)

Also, Also, I just had a dream that I was part of the SVU team and Olivia and Stabler and Ice-T was there and Stephen King was too and he was really nice and we were catching bad guys.

Praise God!

So I have been really antsy about a certain med math exam that I may or may not have failed 2 times and was waiting on my third to be graded... It was a big deal. I had to make 100 on a MATH (wut) test. The first time, I got all of the math right, but I wrote mg instead of ml on one question and failed. The second time, I got all of the math right except for the fact that I rounded to the tenths instead of the hundreths on one question. The third time (which was my last straw, mind you...) I PASSED! I have prayed countless hours and asked an infinite amount of people to pray and think of me for this test. I firmly believe in the power of prayer after this one. I am lucky enough to be able to continue at Piedmont for the Nursing program... that continues to stress me out minute by minute. Wait, why am I excited for this again?

I miss my Nathan. (There is a whole world of miss in that little sentence, but I think short and sweet will do.)

favorites & campfires

Boyfriend taught me how to make a campfire last night and we (I) roasted marshmallows and he sung songs to me and played his guitar and I threw tons of leaves on the fire because it looked cool (yes, I'm 25 years old). It was fun and I love Nate the most ever ever.

I have a mega important day today, and I have prayed mega hard about it. I am employed officially as of Monday at a pretty cool place. We will see how it goes!

Because I'm getting older, I decided to make a list of my favorite things (I have a couple reasons for doing this, but that is one, and it looks way different than my old one that is hidden away somewhere...).

• Color: muted colors and really deep jewel-y colors.
• Flowers: Wildflowers and Calla Lilies

         

• Everything that has to do with Autumn: Pumpkins, leaves, oranges, mustard yellow, deep reds, cool weather, campfires (and the smell), corn mazes, stews, sweaters, boots, jeans, flannel, marshmallows, stuffing...
• Candy: Mounds (Almond Joy), Starburst, Twizzlers
• Snacks: Cheez-its, apples, plums, Funyuns (!)
• Beer/Wine: Stella, Blanche De Chambly, any sweet, white wines
• Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks!
• High heels and wedges :)
• Scarves
• Bangs (but I'm scared to cut my hair again)
• Feathers
• Silver/white gold/minimalistic jewelry
• Tights
• Patterns
• My boyfriend's beard
• Big, giant felt hats
• Headbands
• Art Nouveau (Alphonse Mucha)
• Mashed potatoes
• Writing
• Photography
• Thrifting
• Cheese

That's about all I can think of for now. I'm sure I'll add on as I think of things. Test soon...

Christa W, BSN, RN

This will be my title one day.
For now, I have completed exactly one day of Nursing school, and it was pretty daunting. I feel like there will be a lot of studying and crying and being on the brink of giving up, but I will prevail because I have a ton of supportive people in my life and prayer. I was doing pretty okay until I started looking at Pharmacology... but I don't have that class until tomorrow so I'll find out, I'm sure. There were quite a few people in the classes that I was in that failed in the Summer, so that's not exactly inspiring. I just have to stick with studying and reading and not get behind. Updates soon. For now, I have a date with a cute boyfriend that is going to cook me a burger and play me songs on the guitar.

Separation

Not in the way that the title implies ;)

My sweet boyfriend has to go on a trip to learn about his new job, and I am going on probably one of the last "family" vacations I'll ever have before I have my own. He will be in (South Carolina, I think) and I will be in Florida. I miss him already. It will be 8 days before I see him again.

I showed him my last blog, since he was curious and he liked it. It's scary having someone read your thoughts, but it turned out for the best I think. I really, really love this man. I am probably the most annoying person to my friends, as he is to his, since we both ga-ga on Facebook all the time. I can't help it. I am happy and I deserve to be, and if I feel the need to share it, then goodness gracious I'm going to.

One thing that I need to work on is reading more. About God in particular. I'm going to bring my Women's Bible with me on vacation. Although I pray a lot to God, it would do me good to depend on him more and learn about him. I feel that Him gifting me with a love that I haven't ever know has "distracted" me from God. I don't mean that in a bad way at all! I just feel that God has given me this man to enjoy and to fall in love with, and just as I am taking this man in with every bit of my being, I need to pray more and thank God more and put more of my faith into Him. I think this "break" of not seeing my worldly Love will give me a balance of time that I can spend reading and growing in God. I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and even though sometimes I need to reassure myself, I know that nothing God does is an accident. We were meant to spend this week or so apart. Maybe myself to learn and grow closer to my family, and maybe for him to grow closer to his and get everything in line for himself. Either way, I will pray that I don't go insane. Even though I have faith in God, I am human, and my mind wanders towards insecurity at lightning speeds. Prayer does wonders, God works in mysterious ways, and he calms my mind and soul.

Tracking back, since my mind runs a million miles a minute and can't keep anything properly grouped together, after reading my blog, this is what Hipsterjack wrote back to me:

"That's the sweetest, most beautiful thing I've ever read :) I am so in love with you (insert full name here). God is looking out for us and I see good things in the future. You are my best friend now, and you mean the world to me, I mean that <3"

I really honestly don't remember having a love like this. The other night we just laid together and tangled up in each other and talked and laughed and took each other in. It was wonderful. He makes me feel like the most important person, and he told me tonight that it was because I was the most important person to him. He's a romantic; even if not in the conventional sense with the showering of gifts and grandeur displays of affection. He cares about how I feel, in all meanings of that definition and that can be the most romantic thing ever. We have both agreed that we are turning each other into romantic saps, but we both don't care. It's a wonderful feeling, and I hope it lasts a long time.

There's a line in a Nickel Creek song that says "Why should the fire die?/ my mom and dad, kept theirs alive". This line, however simple, really spoke to me. Why does the romance have to die? Why can't both people work to keep it? Or was it never there to begin with? I feel like hidden in these moments of young debt made up of college and car loans, and frugality of cheap dates lies a romance that has to be mustered up out of "want". When there isn't money to be spent, you just have each other, and you can either make the most of it or complain that you have no money and look forward to the "well, one day I'll have money and we can do this or that". We play scrabble and backgammon or hang out at his house and watch TV with his family, and I hear life stories from his parents while he plays guitar. We drink coffee and enjoy each others' stories and companies and tell each other little ditty's of love for each other that would be nauseating to anyone other than us. We walk around the mall, hand in hand, taking turns in each others' favorite stores and eat cheap food court food. Every once in awhile, we will splurge and see a movie, and melt together entwined in our seats. I love this simple love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He has my heart. So again, if we have this now, can I hope that it will stay? I pray it will.

I said it again: prayer. I live on prayer. I need prayer. I have conversational prayer with God, as if he is speaking back, and in my mind I feel that he is in his own way. I have heard of people physically hearing the voice of God. I have not, to my recollection, and I do not dismiss it as fact. But, I don't need a physical response to know that he is listening. When I pray, I feel safe. It's as if a blanket of calm envelopes me and I am physically and mentally rejuvenated. I've prayed to stop swearing, and I have been a lot better about it. I am a very thankful person to everyone, and I am trying to be more open about it (another lesson that I learned from my boyfriend). I figure things out when I pray. I voice a problem to God. I don't hold back. He knows when I am mad or depressed or upset or happy or in love, so why not vocalize these things to Him? I do, and when I am mad, for example, telling Him that I am mad eventually works itself out to where I am tired, and even though I am mad, maybe even at Him, that if I hold on and trust Him, it will all be okay. In my experiences, this is true. At my deepest, darkest times, I was never mad at God. I held out, even when I felt like giving up, and He made me a deeper, truer believer than I ever have been.

Which takes me back to my boyfriend. Oh, how I have waited for a love like this. I would cry and beg and pray to God for a date (even just a date!) with a nice man. I waited and waited, and God rewarded me with someone so special and precious to me, that I wouldn't change it for the world. I will never be the way I was a few years ago ever again. Never will I take anything good for granted. I am very blessed, and I owe everything in my life to God. God created situations for me, both easy and difficult, so that I may grow as a person. I know that my trials are not over; I have a long life to live if he sees fit, and I'm sure they will not all be walks in the park. But, I have learned SO much through these things. I have learned to place all of my faith in Him. When I feel sad or insecure or worry about things that I shouldn't, I immediately turn to God for solace and peace of mind and in a matter of minutes, I feel better. He has shown me to never take a love for granted, and if you love someone, you will work through things to make it. He has softened me emotionally, and made me more able to feel love and if I'm happy, heck, I cry about it! I don't play games anymore. I don't tempt "fate" and I don't try and get more than I deserve. God has made a real woman out of me; a good Christian woman, and to see the transformation in myself makes me feel wonderful.

This isn't to say that I'm not human. I'm VERY MUCH human, and I am very much full of faults. My faults, I have learned, to not beat myself up over. Mistakes happen, and they are only real mistakes if you don't learn from them. I am tempted everyday by things that may not seem like a fault to many.

I think one of the sweetest things that my boyfriend has ever said to me is that I am the sweetest love that he has ever known besides God. That makes me feel so special. I may be a sap, but tying in his religion to me means a lot to me. My faith is so huge to me, and I am trying to make it a much larger piece of my life and I would love for us to both grow in it. I think that when I move in to my house, I would like to go to church with my boyfriend and his family so we can grow together. It is a sense of closeness that means a lot to both of us.

On a side note: It's interesting to see our relationship unfold from the beginning. I do hope and pray that we will have many, many, many more stories and pages to fill together.

I've rambled too long. It's time to practice the ukulele and pray to my Savior :)

4th of July Weekend

I passed Algebra, which was a feat in itself. I don't know if I mentioned it, but Hipsterjack (way back when we first started dating, I said I would call him Beard. I don't know what happened with that...) and I are officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

Although I am an adult, I can't help but feel wonderful when I am around him, and sad when I'm not. Well, not all the time sad, but when we part on not wonderful terms it makes me sad. I really care about him a lot. I have been contemplating saying the big "L" (uh oh) word for awhile, but I haven't and I don't know if I should. I keep praying about it, and I am hoping that God gives me a sign. I just for some reason lately, have been really stressed out. I am relieved about Algebra, but I think I am worried about Hipsterjack's new job (which requires SOME travel, we both don't really know how much) so I am praying about that, and I don't know when to say the "L" word, which is surprisingly stressful.

I need a weekend away with just me and my Hipsterjack. I get to see him tomorrow, and I am super excited. :)

Updates soon.

Publish Post

Things and Things.

Things are still good. :)

I met hipsterjack's best friends (and their wives) last night, and they were awesome! I love where we are headed, and I am really glad for everything that God has put into my life, including this man. I have an interview tomorrow for Nursing school, but I am going to pray about it hard. I would rather go to Piedmont I think, and my mind is pretty much made up. However, having a choice would be nice. Yeah, prayers are needed.

I don't know what else to say! I am thankful for everything right now. I mean, I always am, it is just coming in waves now. :)

THANK YOU GOD