Things and Worries and More

It's 7:00 in the morning and I have been up since midnight! Big giant sad face ;(

Mostly studying for my final today, kind of Christmas shopping, lots of thinking (which can be a bad thing), and lots of reading The Good Book, little sleep, lots of cuddling with my kitten, and a little hot chocolate (even though the weather is very much like Spring here...).

I am in a very hard place right now. Things in my life and other's lives are weighing on me. Family has caused Nathan and I some trouble and stress lately, my stomach is (cross my fingers) a little better, or has been the past couple of days, I am financially strapped, wishing I could do more for Christmas, I am hopelessly searching for jobs, and losing sleep.

Pre-marital counseling has been wonderful, although this last session I feel kind of blah. Dare I say it, worse than before? I think it is because I haven't really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my past. I find my mind wandering to places they shouldn't, in regards to past hurts, and God knows there's a lot of them with varying degrees of actual hurt involved. When I look back though, they all hurt the same. I have always battled self esteem problems, and as of late they are at a peak, causing me some really serious grief. I feel that I am pushing my partner away, and driving myself crazy. The hurt that I bring upon myself with memories and self-deprivation-of-my-happiness-talk is awful. I pray a lot about it, and the only thing that seems to help is prayer. I just feel like Nathan thinks I am crazy and doesn't understand. It's a horrible cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Throw on top of that all of my financial troubles, our impending wedding, school, lack of a real job, family issues, etc, things can get pretty crazy. I find that I really want to cry. Not all the time, but when I think of everything and think of how OVERWHELMING life is at the moment, that's when I want to cry. I need to just bawl. Like can't breathe, sob. I don't want to do it alone, but then I get embarrassed to do it in front of Nathan.

I want to truly feel beautiful, and like I'm worth keeping around and fighting for. Like my personality is worth something too. For some reason, I just don't. I feel like I'm the worst. And I hate that. I have these conflicting thoughts in my head where I try to feel good about myself, but then I sit and point out to myself every flaw that I can find. And then I worry that Nathan will find someone better, which makes me upset, which makes him upset, which makes fights happen, which makes me stress more. It's horrible. The question is, HOW do I fix it?

How can I get married when I feel this way? I love this man, but my distrust of everyone makes it very difficult to give everything away. If I harden just a piece of my heart, it won't ever get hurt. But then it never gets used, and then I always feel like I'm holding something back in preparation of something happening. Do I take a break? Do I run away? That won't fix a problem, but it could mend it temporarily. Sometimes the thought of a temporary mind vacation is very appealing. But I would lose my everything. I would lose Nathan, and I don't want that.

The things Nathan writes to me are amazing. They make me cry in a good way. If I could hear those things, then maybe my heart would rest. Having a heart to heart with him could really help things... but I hear the same things all the time. I feel like he doesn't know what to say, or can't say anything that sounds absolutely genuine. Not genuine in that he doesn't mean it, but genuine in that it's a profound something that's coming from his heart about how I am feeling. I need a good cry with him.

My heart is damaged. How to fix it? Go back through a childhood of hurt and stir up things that I never knew existed? Probably, and that may be what I am feeling now. Our counselors are brilliant, and maybe I am grieving something that happened. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been holding back my heart and I know what it has cost and that I don't know how to change it. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because when I hear Nathan say that I am beautiful, but I don't feel like he means it, or that it's true at all. I don't know. How do I know if what I am feeling is wrong, or if it is a gut feeling to run away? So many feelings... they make life difficult.

Apart from all of my feelings, Nathan took me to The Fox and we got dressed up to see The Nutcracker, which was amazing, although the evening was not particularly so. I got to see him play his Christmas show at church, which was a greater gift, honestly. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted every time I looked on up and saw him smiling at me from behind his trombone. If I could feel like that all the time, I'd be alright! I mean, I truly felt happiness at that moment. No gifting, no money spent, nothing overtly "special". But the fact that he was in his element of making music, and looking at me and smiling like he was proud... man. That really makes me want to cry. It's an incredible feeling when that happens, because unfortunately, I don't really feel that way often. Maybe it was because he was in a room with tons and tons of people, and making music, and with tons of people who were playing music, and it was his night, and yet, he still looked at ME. It truly made me feel special. I want that feeling every day of my life!

He has grown so much... I mean truly. I am so proud to call him mine! And that is what I am afraid of losing. Potentially the only really "good" man in my life. Something so treasured and everything that I have wanted and asked God for, and I am afraid that He will take him away, or let him walk away, or be led astray. It is my greatest fear; to be alone. I know I am not truly ever alone (God helps me a lot), but having my best friend be my almost-husband is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I could use a huge Nathan bear hug right about now. I would just cry and cry and feel better.

I go through these phases where I feel fantastic, so I kind of slack on church, and being involved with God. I think this is one of those harder places where I realize this; that I have to maintain a relationship and stand firm and go to church EVERY Sunday even if I don't want to get out of bed. I wish that I could physically hear from God that I am beautiful and that I am exactly what I am supposed to be and that Nathan is The One. Hearing that ultimate TRUTH would change everything, but I have not, or if I have, I have refused to hear it. I am a bitter, wounded woman, and I need to heal. I want to experience joy and happiness in my life every day, not just some days. I am really hoping that through prayer and talking with Nathan and understanding each others' needs and counseling that happy days are around the corner.

anxiety pt. 239878456467

key: gainesville

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nothing goes as planned

     This was a very hard week/weekend.

     I went on a trip with Nathan, as he had to go to Florida on business anyway, so we were going to go to the beach! Nothing really went as planned.

     The beach was cold and windy, we were both in foul moods, we got sunburned, and other issues arose.
And then the worst happened: Nathan's sweet grandma, Mama Lou passed away this morning.

“Death opens a door out of a little, dark room (that's all the life we have known before it) into a great, real place where the true sun shines and we shall meet.”- C.S. Lewis

     She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and I am glad that I knew her while I did. I wish that I had known Nathan longer, because I love him, but also because I would have known her more. She was just so genuinely nice and wonderful from the moment I met her. Nathan would tell me stories of her that reminded me of my own grandma, and I loved her as if she was my grandma. Mama Lou was really strong, especially in the end. She knew where she was going, and she wasn't afraid of it. She embraced it! She kept her sense of humor and so alert and oriented to everything around her until her serious decline. I am glad that I got to see her and talk with her and hear stories about her from Nathan. I am so sad for Nathan and his family because I know for sure how hard it is to lose someone you love, but at the same time I am relieved for Mama Lou. She is in Heaven and watching over everyone, and I find peace in that. I am sad though that I didn't get to know her more. It's sad that it's human nature to not realize what you have until it's gone. I do realize this with some people (my immediate family, and Nathan), and I spend as much time as I can with them. I know what it's like to have a sudden loss, and a gradual one. I can't imagine living with Nathan for 50 years and then losing him. He is already my best friend and I hate being even one day away from him now. I just can't even fathom the connection that you would have with someone that you lived with and were still in love with years and years after you first met. The person that you went through everything with, raised children with... just gone. The heartache must be incredible, and I am praying for Papa Sam.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S.Lewis

     Death is never fun, but I can say that every time a life is lost, especially one that I knew, it makes me realize just how much I have in the relationships with people in my life. I don't know that I would do if I lost Nathan. He's my everything! Everything I do, I have him in mind. I get pretty for him in the morning, I laugh with him, I tell him secrets that I have never told anyone, I pray with him, I talk to him all day, every day. I can't imagine never waking up to hear his voice again, or old his hand, or rest my head on his chest. Never smelling him again, or hearing his laugh, or feeling his hugs... ugh! It makes me cry just thinking about it. The loss of that would devastate me, and I pray that I never have to go through that. It seems so selfish to wish to pass away before your significant other so you don't have to deal with the loss of the other half of yourself, but I am not too big headed to admit that I am too fragile and weak to recover from that.

     I am just praying for peace of mind for his family, and comfort and support for his grandfather, and good memories of Mama Lou for her children and grandchildren.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

mullets

I had a rough night filled with anxiety, depression, stomach troubles, irritation, and sadness. Nursing school will be the end of me. No reason in particular besides the fact that I have some big decisions to make. I think it just hit me last night that I really am going to have to sacrifice time in my dearest relationships to make it in nursing school, and that really weighs heavy on my heart. I thought I'd be able to juggle a boyfriend and friends and family and nursing school. I've already cut out friends, and family time is at a minimum, and now I really am going to have to cut into boyfriend time, especially for next semester. It is... extremely difficult. It breaks my heart. The things that keep me sane distract me from school, and if I don't pass then I'll be a mess. But if I have to greatly reduce boyfriend time, which could automatically be worse next semester due to his job, then I'll just be depressed all the time. I don't know what to do.

It really seems that nothing is in my favor lately, and that makes me so truly sad. All of the things I want to happen just aren't, and it's killing me. My morale in school is shot for multiple reasons, I'm broke, burnt out, and having stress related to other things in life that are out of my control. I don't know what to do. I haven't been in this place in a long time.

Anyway, I got a 4 week trim, so I don't have a mullet anymore. I'm 4 weeks closer to growing this thing out.

Pray for me please.

boyfriend face & music & cupcakes

I kept waking up all night. Such is the problem with nursing school. My stress level has been over 9000 since starting this semester. I wake up all the time, at all hours, with bizarre dreams. Can I not express how much I need for this semester to be over?! Prayers prayers prayers.

Last night I got to see (and kiss!) my boyfriend's naked face since he shaved his beard off. It was weird and wonderful at the same time.

hawaiian pizza & fairytale houses

I had a fantastic and a rough weekend at the same time. It can happen, amazingly enough. And when it's rough, it can be over in an instant, like a quick storm. Lots of tears, and lots of hugs, and lots of everything will be alright.

And it will.

I have a week of class left, and then 3 days of finals. All I can do is thank GOD and pray that He helps me to pass my med surg class. For some reason, I am having a really hard time in there, teetering on the edge of failure and passing. My professor seems confident, but it is terrifying to me that I could fail. After finals, I have a couple of weeks until my internship starts. I will absolutely relish in the time that I have off to do absolutely nothing! However, I do have two classes that I have to take this summer. Spanish II and Public Speaking. Two classes I am not thrilled to be taking. However, it will be time I need away from the stress of nursing school and to focus on my relationships and God and taking in life and being appreciative rather than complaining of burnout.

wait, it's superbowl sunday?

I don't know, I didn't even watch any of it. Today was spent with me going to bed at 9 in the morning, taking a 4 hour nap, watching some Law and Order (there was a marathon!), and then driving over to Nate's house so we could go from there and see his grandmother. I am trying to become a better, more spiritually fulfilled person, especially in my relationship with Nathan. I feel like if we are (spiritually whole) we will have the best foundation for a super awesome relationship. I instantly feel better, and it gives me the drive to do better and be happier and have faith and trust just by taking the smallest initiative to educate and read and get closer to God. Today was a perfect day weather-wise, and I drove with the windows down and the 70 degree wind blowing in my hair and taking in everything. It's bizarre how I notice so little most of the time. I drove by the prettiest pastures, and saw an old couple holding hands on their porch, and the sun was reflecting off the water, and animals were grazing in the sun, and I just wanted to BE in that moment forever. No worries, no responsibilities... just carefree driving with my arm hanging out of the window and singing praise at the top of my lungs. Sweetest bliss.

Nathan and I got to go see his grandparents and listened to stories about how they had to kill their own chickens if they wanted to eat, and his grandfather told us a story about when his wife (Nathan's grandma) had a mastectomy, he wanted to get her something nice. So he went and got her a gold ring and said that he married her once, and he wanted to marry her all over again ("or something sweet along those lines" he said). That is just THE BEST. I want that.

We finished the evening with spaghetti and garlic bread and a fat salad, and laughing, and cuddling, and talking. The best. The best. The best.

P.S: Boyfriend says we are going somewhere for Valentine's Day weekend. It's a surprise, so I have no idea where, but I am so excited!

thoughts and love and things

Life as an adult is HARD.

What I wouldn't give to be a kid again with forever summers and no responsibilities and free food and housing, unlimited time with your friends, a bountiful imagination, a certain naivety that escapes us as we grow up, and zero stress. I wouldn't give up my sweetest boyfriend and best friend, Nathan, and I wouldn't give up my maturity and experience... but all of the kids stuff would be fantastic. I think about being a kid and it makes me want to cry because I will never have that EVER again. I probably spend an abnormally long amount of time thinking about when I was little, before tons of bad things happened in my life and the lives of others around me. Playing until it got dark, coloring, making up stories, having tea parties, playing hide and seek, super nintendo, and recording your favorite songs on TAPE off of the RADIO. And then, I think about how stupid I was when I was little and I couldn't wait to grow up.

Now, I am adult. I have school, hours upon hours of studying and less and less of sleep, stress coming from all directions, money worries, job worries, relationship strain, spiritual crises! Oh, the joys of being an adult. I can't complain though. I have learned a lot. I value so much in my life. I love my family, my friends that I meet everyday, my boyfriend, how much I've grown spiritually... All of this because I grew up.

I'm still super immature in some areas though... but that can't be helped. Right now I should be making more drug cards for OB, and studying for an OB test, and looking at GA legislative stuff regarding nursing, but here I am listening to Law and Order and blogging. Some things never change :)

Boyfriend and I had an awesome mountain date in the gloominess on Sunday. We went to a really cool antique store in Sautee, and went to the Sweetwater Coffeehouse and Nate got me a brownie that was mega super awesome, and we had chai teas and we played mancala and mushed and went to this other place in Helen but I can't remember the name and we got wings and listened to drunk people yell about football and came back home and cuddled and looked at wedding venues even though we aren't even engaged. But it was the best! I LOVE the mountain dates. LOVE them. I love the drive because I get to hold hands with Nate and sing and laugh and talk about everything under the sun. He's my best friend, and I'm so glad that he's mine!

I started my first OB clinical today! I got to feel the fundus of a postpartum patient and a patient at 20 weeks, I got to administer medication and give a Tdap shot, remove an INT, assess a postpartum patient, and I got to let a lady hear her fetal heartbeat with the doppler! It was an amazing day and further reaffirmed why I am busting my butt and crying and stressing over school. I will LOVE being a nurse!

I am so thankful for everything that I have in my life and how things have turned out. I remember being so stressed to get INTO nursing school, and now I have a semester under my belt and only 3 more to go until I am BSN Wilson. I got the externship at the hospital on the medical floor for the summer! I am SO nervous/excited. It will be a learning experience for sure!

Ok, I am going to go to bed I think. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 tomorrow!

Insomnia

I can't sleep, so I am off and on studying for health assessment, looking at urban outfitters and anthropologie for crafty diy inspirations, craigslist for a cheap nightstand/mirror/desk, watching Law and Order, and babysitting jobs. What the heck. I should be sleeping, but alas, I am not and cannot.

This is where a sleep aid should come in handy. I find that if I take anything to help me sleep though, I feel just as tired in the morning as if I didn't sleep, so I might as well stay up and be somewhat productive than sleep and feel just as awful in the morning. I'll just get coffee and try and survive my 3 hour class in the a.m.

Anyway, I passed my first nursing check off just fine. My first test is Thursday, and I am a bit stressed about it since I don't know what the tests are like. Such is life. I cooked my first dinner ever in the house yesterday! I made pasta with a meat sauce and a nice salad for me and my boyfriend :) Then we watched Home Alone 2 and ate some ice cream. Nights like those make me the happiest!

I am the biggest home-body in the world. I like to go out and have my fun, but at the end of the day I want to be in my comfy, familiar house with my boyfriend (which doesn't happen nearly enough). I have the craft bug. I made a bunch of "crackle" frames that I need to fill with pictures. Next on my list is a jewelry "frame"! I think I have latched onto this because it's a way to relieve some of the mega ultra stress from nursing school. This is the most stressful thing I've ever done. Knowing the material is one thing, and the thing that I love the most, but having to apply it to real patients and being responsible for lives... that's the stressful part. I just want to be done with school and married and make money to pay off debts so I can make my own cutesy house and not have to worry as much. Can that happen please?

Boyfriend is still the best thing ever and I fall in love with him more and more everyday. It's fun to look back at my blogs about our first few dates and how everything progressed. It makes me smile to see how something so great has blossomed from a giant leap of faith. God has blessed me for sure. I wanna marry this man someday :)

Nursing School...

is the most stressful thing that I have ever attempted to do in my life. The amount of studying required is insane. My personal life has not suffered much yet, and I am working hard to keep everything in balance. It helps to have the most supportive boyfriend in the entire world. I was having a plethora of bad days in a row starting the night of my 25th birthday (sometimes nothing wants to work in your favor), and he made everything better. He made me dinner for my birthday (Harry Potter themed!), got me a ukulele, then the next day he got me an Alphonse Mucha (my favorite!) poster, then the next day he hand wrote me a letter about how much I meant to him and mailed it to me, we started praying together, and has just been immensely supportive. I have been praying for my entire life, and it has been a very important aspect of my life. But, praying with someone is very intrusive and personal. Even though right now we just pray in thanks over our food and for each other, it feels so right and like we are "bonding", even if it sounds dumb.

I am blessed, and trying so hard to "give everything to God". Here's to trying!

Things and Things

I have survived a full week in my new house! I haven't met my roommate yet, but I am hoping it works out (since I'm stuck here for a year either way!)

Nate and I will have been together for 6 months tomorrow! [let's see if he remembers... ;)] I can say that this is the happiest and most comfortable I have ever been in my whole life, and I am loving every minute of it. I have been blessed! These 6 months have flown by super fast... except for July. The entire month of July I didn't work, or go to school, so it dragged on. I have noticed lately that I really like being "busy". Whether it's just running errands or school or work or boyfriend time :) I'm looking forward to school for sure. I'm ready for these 2 years to fly by so I can actually be a nurse and make money and start a "family" (whatever that means).

I'm still counting down until the big 25. Guh... Not looking forward to that! I feel old already, and I don't need a number to further verify that. I think that I just feel so "behind" because I'm still in school, not married, etc. Maybe when I graduate I'll feel better, like I've gotten back on track and caught up. I'm not comparing myself to other people individually I guess (because there are certainly people out there who I would not want to exchange life paths with) but I suppose as a general whole. I'll get over it.

Up late...

Well, I'm sitting up in my new house in Athens :)

It's really bizarre living on my own. I like it, but it's taking some getting used to. I'm closer to my boyfriend, which is awesome, and I'm super close to school which is another plus.

I'm going to be 25 soon... stress city! I feel so old and unaccomplished! I'm hoping these 2 years of school will fly by (God willing).

My trip to Florida was fun. I saw family I never get to see, and I sat in the sun, and I got to go to Harry Potter World, which was amazing (but, I super missed my Nate). He taught me a new ukulele strumming pattern tonight! :)

I need to go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow!

Lovefool

I have become a lovefool, but that should not be a surprise to anyone.

One week to the day until I can see my love again. (I just noticed that my blogging has increased quite a bit, and all of the blogs are sappy). I'm not suffering from separation anxiety yet, but I do miss him a whole lot. I have errands to run today, and here I am blogging and editing photos from last weekend. Probably not the wisest of my decisions. Also, my boyfriend and I saw Harry Potter and boy did I cry.

I miss my boyfriend. I said that already.
We are either leaving for Florida tonight, or tomorrow, and I haven't packed. Not that I really care what I look like. I am going with family, and I am going to enjoy my time on the beach and at the pool sipping drinks and getting fresh air... and missing my boyfriend. I am ridiculous, I know. But, he is my best friend, and when you don't have your best friend around then who are you going to do best friend things with? I miss him dearly.

I was talking to my mom today (... or the other day... no matter) about relationships. As we were talking, the weird idea came tumbling into my brain of "what if my boyfriend is my future husband?" and it really took me back. It seems silly that I hadn't actually thought of this earlier, since I have been on a quest for a so-called perfect man to become my husband since I matured. But, I think because I was younger and dating, I always just dated and assumed that maybe one day I would marry the person, and maybe not, trying so hard not to get attached to something that may not last forever. In many aspects I am glad for thinking this way, because if I didn't and put all my hopes into any number of someones then I would be in world of trouble now, married to the wrong person and living miserably for the rest of eternity. Then I think back to the wave of DUH that hit... What if my boyfriend is "the one"?

It's scary and bizarre and wonderful and curious and hopeful all at the same time. Do you just "know"? Some people say that they believe in love at first sight, and some have been together years and years before they get married. I guess I won't know. For some reason though, the idea of dating my maybe future husband kind of weirds me out. Or maybe I shouldn't think that way? But I have to because you have to talk about kids and if there is a possibility of a future and finances and beliefs and all of the adult things that I am not ready to face yet. It stresses me out just thinking about it. I don't want to seem crazy, but if things progressed/stayed the same that they are now, I could marry my boyfriend in the future. I absolutely could. But that sounds crazy and I don't want my boyfriend to think I'm crazy and a stereotypical woman even though I am. A typical woman; not crazy. (These frenzied thoughts drive me crazy.) I am deeply in love with him and I can see a future, and babies and a house and love and family and all kinds of things. But I feel like I shouldn't be thinking these things because we have only been dating for almost 6 months and so much could happen on either side of the spectrum of relationship stuff. Did I mention that my name totally sounds good with his last name? (I'm a creep) ...I am an idiot.

But here I am, almost 25 (dear goodness), and I have to think of this stuff. It's like my biological clock is making me think these things. At 18 I'd feel like I had all the time in the world, and oh what I would give to have the lack of responsibility that I did back then. It's not that I feel the need to have babies right away, because that's absolutely not how I feel. I truly want to enjoy my husband for awhile before that happens. I think that I am just ready to spend the rest of my life with someone that I deeply care about. I never liked to date, and I still don't, and all I want is something pure and happy that I can have forever. Is that so hard? I guess so... and I know that God will place me with the right person (if my boyfriend isn't). I think because I am a woman, and a hopeless romantic, seeing people get engaged and have babies makes me envious. Although, now that I think about it, I haven't been envious of those things as much as I am just happy for them. Maybe it's because I am in a very fulfilling relationship at the moment and it doesn't matter to my heart what may or may not happen; it just knows that I am happy now.

I don't know. All I know is that I am in love, and I miss my love, and I would give anything to see him right now.

Happiness is Here.

Well, I finished nutrition. We will see how I did.

I go on a family vacation with HIPSTERJACK and his familia this weekend. I'm nervous, but excited. I have never felt more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. He's still able to give me butterflies and the biggest smiles and tingles and make me laugh so hard I cry. God is trying to show me something, whether he's my soul mate or not, and I'm trying to have open eyes and ears and arms to take it all in.

I have become quite the sap lately and everything makes me contemplate crying. In a good way of course. HIPSTERJACK says things to me that make me want to cry and grab him and never let him go. It's a love like in the movies. Granted, we have our differences, but they aren't severe enough (not nearly!) to be judgmental of each other. I have fun with him and he has my heart. I still pray for a clear head when it starts to wander into self conscious territory, but this man shows no sign of NOT loving me. I don't know why I worry. I guess it's a fault of being human.

My apartment is almost settled. I go to Florida soon with family. I start my nursing school soon. Good things are happening... Except for me turning 25, but that's another blog for another day. Thank you God for everything :)

UpDATES

I have a date with HIPSTERJACK today and I am so excited. He is the sweetest man I have ever been lucky to have and know. He told me today that I made him smile and that he's glad that he found me. It makes me want to cry. In a good way! I forget how lost and lonely I was sometimes, but having him is a constant reminder of how God worked and is working in my life. My apartment is settled in Athens, God provided money through amazing family. I am praying about my math class, as it is proving to be harder than ever. And still, in my relationships I am weeding out negative people that do me more harm than good and being ever more positive. This man... God really blessed me. He is a gift to me. We play off of each other wonderfully. I don't have to worry, and if I find my mind wandering that way, I pray. I tell myself to give all of my worry over to God, which is hard, but it works. I am in love, and no, he still doesn't know it. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but all in good time I suppose. :) anyway, I love God and I love this man and I love his family and I love where I am headed. Thank you, God. :)

Pouring.

    I was reading this Bible app that I have today, and the plan that I started reading really hit close to home. It read:

"Psalm 6:6

Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and He will help you turn your attention from yourself to Him and His mercy."

     This is just what I needed to read concerning my situation with my guy. I need to let God take control of the situation. I know that God will do what he will, and that it will turn out how it is supposed to. I feel like I really have met someone that is just amazing, and we have so much in common. I asked God today why this was happening, and in all honesty, I am mad. I am mad that after so long, something good finally comes along, and He is taking it away from me again. I know that I shouldn't be mad at God, or mad in general, but after so long and so many broken pieces of my heart, I just wish that it would work out. I PRAY that it will work out. Maybe I should be thinking of it in a matter of "well if he really liked me then he wouldn't leave to take a job somewhere so far away", but I can't be like that. Like myself, I do want the best for him, and if it's in Chicago, even though my heart would be broken, then so be it. I feel like it will happen, because I am going on Spring Break for a week, and he will be in another place during the same time, and it's like God is preparing me for letting go. I just want a wonderful love, and when my heart starts to fill with it again, to have it ripped from me AGAIN, I just don't know what would happen.

     I know that I am pretty solid individual, and I read somewhere that what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, but my heart can only take so much. He said to me today that the whole thing weighs heavy on his head/heart. I know he likes me, and I like him. It is the first time in a long time that I have felt that way. It is the first time in a long time that I have been able to stifle urges of mistrust. Most importantly, it is the first time that I have been really HAPPY in a long long long long long LONG time. I mean, truly happy.

     My friend who introduced me to the church that I visit when I have time, actually told me that she made a list of the perfect man that God could give her, and about 2 weeks later she met her now husband. I took her advice and made a list. This guy fits my list. It is the first time that I had ever shared that list with anyone, and he fits it. Perfectly. It is amazing. I feel like it is a gift. He is a gift. I met him for some reason. GOD made me meet him for some reason. I feel like he is an answer to my prayers, and I just don't want him to leave. I do not at all. It is easier for me to type these things than it is for me to say them. This is my being honest with God. This is my outpouring of how bad I want this. I want to fall in love and be happy and have a pure love not based on sex. I want what he is giving me. I could say that I love this man, as a person. Not in love, the kind where you freak someone out by saying it, but the love that I have for my dearest friends. (and now I think I understand how he meant that we were friends; it just clicked). I love his soul, his personality, his warmth, his compassion. We cried together, and we held each other.

     I just want this to last, and I want this to be wonderful. The money doesn't matter to me. I want him around. I just pray so hard right now that this will work out as a compromise. Dear Lord, can he please stay and can he please get a job here? Please. Here in Georgia so that we can be all around happy. That would be the greatest thing ever. :) I love you and Amen.

Well...

I know that I said that I met someone. And I have, and he's wonderful. But, he may take a job in Chicago, and if that happens, well, we both don't know what will happen. We both cried about it, we both hugged and kissed until he had to go home. I guess we will see what happens. I am praying hard for God to keep this happiness in my life. I haven't been this happy in a long long long time. I just really pray that maybe there can be a compromise. Maybe he can find a job here in Georgia and we can still be together. I really don't want to lose the first good thing that I've had in a long time. I'm praying hard, and I pray that he will hear my prayers. I know that I have to leave it up to Him and that everything happens for a reason, but it's still hard to let something so good leave my life. I did tell him how I felt though, and i hope that he realizes that I'm not just saying it to say it.

I kind of already miss him, and I kind of love being around him.

Dare I Say it Again?

So, my wildly successful date has turned into many more successful dates with the same wonderful guy! We are definitely exclusive, but not technically boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm going to call him Beard. (Apparently there is a sort of difference where he feels that it should be asked after a nice dinner or something). Anyway, I am definitely "in LIKE" with him (it is far too soon to say the other L word). He's wonderful and I can't express that enough. His faith makes him admirable, his music makes him hot, his personality makes him awesome. The only thing that I can find wrong is that we live a good 2 hours away from each other. We have made an effort to see each other 2-3 times a week so far, and we talk every night on the phone (for like 3 hours, which is ridic). Nevertheless, I am still on cloud nine, and I am still so thankful to God for everything that he has given me, especially lately. This past month has been wonderful.

I had an interview at Piedmont's nursing school on Tuesday, which I really hope works out. All in all this year is already better than the past 2 have been, and I am so grateful for it. Key West in 6 days and then I get to see this boy that I like again. :)