Things and Worries and More

It's 7:00 in the morning and I have been up since midnight! Big giant sad face ;(

Mostly studying for my final today, kind of Christmas shopping, lots of thinking (which can be a bad thing), and lots of reading The Good Book, little sleep, lots of cuddling with my kitten, and a little hot chocolate (even though the weather is very much like Spring here...).

I am in a very hard place right now. Things in my life and other's lives are weighing on me. Family has caused Nathan and I some trouble and stress lately, my stomach is (cross my fingers) a little better, or has been the past couple of days, I am financially strapped, wishing I could do more for Christmas, I am hopelessly searching for jobs, and losing sleep.

Pre-marital counseling has been wonderful, although this last session I feel kind of blah. Dare I say it, worse than before? I think it is because I haven't really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my past. I find my mind wandering to places they shouldn't, in regards to past hurts, and God knows there's a lot of them with varying degrees of actual hurt involved. When I look back though, they all hurt the same. I have always battled self esteem problems, and as of late they are at a peak, causing me some really serious grief. I feel that I am pushing my partner away, and driving myself crazy. The hurt that I bring upon myself with memories and self-deprivation-of-my-happiness-talk is awful. I pray a lot about it, and the only thing that seems to help is prayer. I just feel like Nathan thinks I am crazy and doesn't understand. It's a horrible cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Throw on top of that all of my financial troubles, our impending wedding, school, lack of a real job, family issues, etc, things can get pretty crazy. I find that I really want to cry. Not all the time, but when I think of everything and think of how OVERWHELMING life is at the moment, that's when I want to cry. I need to just bawl. Like can't breathe, sob. I don't want to do it alone, but then I get embarrassed to do it in front of Nathan.

I want to truly feel beautiful, and like I'm worth keeping around and fighting for. Like my personality is worth something too. For some reason, I just don't. I feel like I'm the worst. And I hate that. I have these conflicting thoughts in my head where I try to feel good about myself, but then I sit and point out to myself every flaw that I can find. And then I worry that Nathan will find someone better, which makes me upset, which makes him upset, which makes fights happen, which makes me stress more. It's horrible. The question is, HOW do I fix it?

How can I get married when I feel this way? I love this man, but my distrust of everyone makes it very difficult to give everything away. If I harden just a piece of my heart, it won't ever get hurt. But then it never gets used, and then I always feel like I'm holding something back in preparation of something happening. Do I take a break? Do I run away? That won't fix a problem, but it could mend it temporarily. Sometimes the thought of a temporary mind vacation is very appealing. But I would lose my everything. I would lose Nathan, and I don't want that.

The things Nathan writes to me are amazing. They make me cry in a good way. If I could hear those things, then maybe my heart would rest. Having a heart to heart with him could really help things... but I hear the same things all the time. I feel like he doesn't know what to say, or can't say anything that sounds absolutely genuine. Not genuine in that he doesn't mean it, but genuine in that it's a profound something that's coming from his heart about how I am feeling. I need a good cry with him.

My heart is damaged. How to fix it? Go back through a childhood of hurt and stir up things that I never knew existed? Probably, and that may be what I am feeling now. Our counselors are brilliant, and maybe I am grieving something that happened. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been holding back my heart and I know what it has cost and that I don't know how to change it. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because when I hear Nathan say that I am beautiful, but I don't feel like he means it, or that it's true at all. I don't know. How do I know if what I am feeling is wrong, or if it is a gut feeling to run away? So many feelings... they make life difficult.

Apart from all of my feelings, Nathan took me to The Fox and we got dressed up to see The Nutcracker, which was amazing, although the evening was not particularly so. I got to see him play his Christmas show at church, which was a greater gift, honestly. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted every time I looked on up and saw him smiling at me from behind his trombone. If I could feel like that all the time, I'd be alright! I mean, I truly felt happiness at that moment. No gifting, no money spent, nothing overtly "special". But the fact that he was in his element of making music, and looking at me and smiling like he was proud... man. That really makes me want to cry. It's an incredible feeling when that happens, because unfortunately, I don't really feel that way often. Maybe it was because he was in a room with tons and tons of people, and making music, and with tons of people who were playing music, and it was his night, and yet, he still looked at ME. It truly made me feel special. I want that feeling every day of my life!

He has grown so much... I mean truly. I am so proud to call him mine! And that is what I am afraid of losing. Potentially the only really "good" man in my life. Something so treasured and everything that I have wanted and asked God for, and I am afraid that He will take him away, or let him walk away, or be led astray. It is my greatest fear; to be alone. I know I am not truly ever alone (God helps me a lot), but having my best friend be my almost-husband is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I could use a huge Nathan bear hug right about now. I would just cry and cry and feel better.

I go through these phases where I feel fantastic, so I kind of slack on church, and being involved with God. I think this is one of those harder places where I realize this; that I have to maintain a relationship and stand firm and go to church EVERY Sunday even if I don't want to get out of bed. I wish that I could physically hear from God that I am beautiful and that I am exactly what I am supposed to be and that Nathan is The One. Hearing that ultimate TRUTH would change everything, but I have not, or if I have, I have refused to hear it. I am a bitter, wounded woman, and I need to heal. I want to experience joy and happiness in my life every day, not just some days. I am really hoping that through prayer and talking with Nathan and understanding each others' needs and counseling that happy days are around the corner.

anxiety pt. 239878456467

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mullets

I had a rough night filled with anxiety, depression, stomach troubles, irritation, and sadness. Nursing school will be the end of me. No reason in particular besides the fact that I have some big decisions to make. I think it just hit me last night that I really am going to have to sacrifice time in my dearest relationships to make it in nursing school, and that really weighs heavy on my heart. I thought I'd be able to juggle a boyfriend and friends and family and nursing school. I've already cut out friends, and family time is at a minimum, and now I really am going to have to cut into boyfriend time, especially for next semester. It is... extremely difficult. It breaks my heart. The things that keep me sane distract me from school, and if I don't pass then I'll be a mess. But if I have to greatly reduce boyfriend time, which could automatically be worse next semester due to his job, then I'll just be depressed all the time. I don't know what to do.

It really seems that nothing is in my favor lately, and that makes me so truly sad. All of the things I want to happen just aren't, and it's killing me. My morale in school is shot for multiple reasons, I'm broke, burnt out, and having stress related to other things in life that are out of my control. I don't know what to do. I haven't been in this place in a long time.

Anyway, I got a 4 week trim, so I don't have a mullet anymore. I'm 4 weeks closer to growing this thing out.

Pray for me please.

rough days

I can't wait for school to be over.

I super enjoy my mental health clinicals... for the most part. The hardest thing is watching children- KIDS- talking about sexual abuse that they have endured, and acting out, and trying to kill themselves, and just messing up their lives, and other people ruining them... It's just hard. That on top of 3 tests this week, numerous projects, and no time, my nerves are pretty much shot. Thank goodness for my hero of a boyfriend. We are going on a mountain date! Those are the best dates. I get to breathe in the fresh air, drink coffee, play mancala, listen to Nathan play guitar, people watch, and just take it all in. I can't wait to live in the mountains someday!

It's seriously the best. Mountains, the one I love, and peace :) I couldn't think of a more perfect place! Rain or shine :) I love it I love it I love it!

God, please get me through this week!
And prayers are welcomed for my upcoming Med Surg and 2 OB tests this week. Thanks!

Nursing School is so Hard

Seriously. If you or anyone you know has thought of becoming a nurse, tell them not to do it. It makes you cry all the time and your face break out and stomach hurt from stress, and you have no personal life, and they tell you to get organized and you finally do, they throw more stuff at you out of nowhere and you have to make a 74 in the class or you fail, and and and...

I just want to cry. I have been trying so hard and I have gotten C's on the past 2 tests. I can't take it anymore. ;(

Insomnia

I can't sleep, so I am off and on studying for health assessment, looking at urban outfitters and anthropologie for crafty diy inspirations, craigslist for a cheap nightstand/mirror/desk, watching Law and Order, and babysitting jobs. What the heck. I should be sleeping, but alas, I am not and cannot.

This is where a sleep aid should come in handy. I find that if I take anything to help me sleep though, I feel just as tired in the morning as if I didn't sleep, so I might as well stay up and be somewhat productive than sleep and feel just as awful in the morning. I'll just get coffee and try and survive my 3 hour class in the a.m.

Anyway, I passed my first nursing check off just fine. My first test is Thursday, and I am a bit stressed about it since I don't know what the tests are like. Such is life. I cooked my first dinner ever in the house yesterday! I made pasta with a meat sauce and a nice salad for me and my boyfriend :) Then we watched Home Alone 2 and ate some ice cream. Nights like those make me the happiest!

I am the biggest home-body in the world. I like to go out and have my fun, but at the end of the day I want to be in my comfy, familiar house with my boyfriend (which doesn't happen nearly enough). I have the craft bug. I made a bunch of "crackle" frames that I need to fill with pictures. Next on my list is a jewelry "frame"! I think I have latched onto this because it's a way to relieve some of the mega ultra stress from nursing school. This is the most stressful thing I've ever done. Knowing the material is one thing, and the thing that I love the most, but having to apply it to real patients and being responsible for lives... that's the stressful part. I just want to be done with school and married and make money to pay off debts so I can make my own cutesy house and not have to worry as much. Can that happen please?

Boyfriend is still the best thing ever and I fall in love with him more and more everyday. It's fun to look back at my blogs about our first few dates and how everything progressed. It makes me smile to see how something so great has blossomed from a giant leap of faith. God has blessed me for sure. I wanna marry this man someday :)