happenings

I haven't written lately! I know. I'm horrible! And so much has happened!
We booked the venue AND a photographer!
His name is John Shim, and this is his website: http://www.johnshim.com/
He's very talented and we are so happy that he is going to be shooting our wedding!

I have been super falling more and more in love with my fiance! It still feels amazing and awesome to say that! We have had crazy days lately. Just a lot of going and going and not much time for relaxing! We went crafting and got supplies to make bunting and went antiquing some more and he found some real cool suspenders this weekend that he is going to wear to the wedding!

We went to North Carolina to see his Poppy (mine too now I guess!) this weekend. Friday we went and finalized some stuff with our venue, which we were pleasantly surprised that it had been expanded for the same price that we paid for when it was smaller, then Saturday we drove up and spent the day walking and holding hands and spending time with family and eating way too much food. We went antiquing in Greensboro and got some delicious chai tea at a cool coffee shop where Santa was drawing pictures, found some cool stuff for Nathan, but not so much for me, but it's ok :) Today we went to church and ate more tons of good food and I am stuffed! We stopped at another antique store in Lavonia that was incredible, but we didn't have enough time to look at everything in there! It was humongous! Then we went and ate pizza and talked about married life and what we want and got some scratch off lotto tickets (I won 2 free tickets!) and laughed a lot :) We also locked my keys in the car this morning after church... but all ended up well with only a few bad words said. (Just kidding)

I started a new job at the school! It doesn't pay awesome, but the schedule is great and anything is better than nothing! Most of that money is going to go towards the wedding! I just want to get married right now. I love Nathan so much. He's the sweetest! The other day I was having a bad day (it happens...I'm a girl) and he kept calling me his cinnanom bun. Yes, cinnanom. So when he came over to see me he brought me some cinnamon doughnuts from Krispy Kreme :) He's wonderful! And I need to snatch him up quick and for forever!

I need to start working on my nursing stuff since I go back in less than a month... Oh man. Am I looking forward to it? Yes... and no. It was stressful and wonderful and I learned a lot, but it strained a lot. I lost social time, free time, fiance (then boyfriend!) time, and sleep. I lost a lot of sleep. But, I am looking forward to learning more and edging closer and closer to my degree. I need prayers!

G'night!

pretty walk at Poppy's house

venue!

suspenders!

expanded venue!

the best day ever!

I was going to put the Spongebob song on here, but decided against it, as it's annoying.

But seriously. Yesterday.

Yesterday kind of ended up being more of a trial run of a day in married life... and I loved every minute of it.

I woke up super early, called Nathan and we made plans to go to church! I hadn't been in a long time, and we kept talking about going together. I love Andy Stanley, and in Athens there is a "satellite" church where he basically preaches through a live feed. We went there, held hands and sang and listened together, and we decided we were going to do it every Sunday! It was great! Going to church and having God in our lives is a huge deal to both of us, so it's comforting having that AND enjoying ourselves.

We went grocery shopping, and ate lunch together and ate cupcakes (I HAVE GOT TO GET BACK ON MY DIET TODAY!) and cuddled and told each other how much we loved each other. By this point it was only like 2:30 and I was having the best day in the entire world. Then, Nathan was really awesome. I mean, really.

I had to do online Spanish work (which is extremely hard considering that I don't remember very much from Spanish 1 since I took it in a month like 2 years ago...) and while I was doing that, Nathan cleaned my entire house and my car. And when I say cleaned, I mean CLEAN. Everything was off of the floor, my laundry was done, my car was cleaned out and he organized my myriad of nursing books and makeup and everything else that made a home in there. He put a shelf up in my bathroom for towels, put a picture frame up, cleaned my counters in my bathroom, organized everything. I mean... forget flowers and chocolate, this man has my heart. I couldn't believe it! I felt awful because everything was so messy (I can let things get pretty bad before I feel inclined to pick up a mess). He told me not to worry about it and that he liked to do it and that he loved me. And then I melted and decided that he was my forever boyfriend and I love him. (I knew that already, but this mega sealed the deal)

Then we cuddled some more and talked a lot about how the day was kind of like being married and we both liked that while we were doing separate things, we were still together, and that was all we needed. It made me feel better that we don't always have to be "doing" something and still be together. It was wonderful. We both got what we needed to get done done, and I still got to kiss my best friend a whole lot. Perfecto.

I never want him to leave, so I don't like to write about those parts, but after he left I slept the best sleep I have slept in a long, long time. A super long time! And with a wonderful day like that, it couldn't have been anymore perfect.


Also, more Pinterest stuff. And cupcakes.

questions & such

     Is it weird to be put off by marriage talk even though I really want to be married?

     I know that it's because we have been talking about it for so long that I just feel like it's just a topic of conversation and not really ever going to happen. So, talking about it makes me sad and automatically get apathetic, where it should make my ovaries hurt and yearn for children and to be an old married couple. I think when I actually get engaged one day it will finally hit me. I'll get that fairytale wedding brain and butterflies in my stomach and see it happening. For now, it just makes me sad. How I yearn to have a husband share my bed with me every night and wake up to that same face every morning for the rest of my life. I see so many of my friends and family living this fantasy of mine and I feel so left behind and old. It's dumb and pointless of me to compare, I know. I don't even necessarily want The Day. The expensive, pretty, day where everything is supposed to go picture perfectly and families join as one. I want the aftermath. I just want the husband and the house. So do I stay apathetic and talk about it, or just pretend like it's not ever going to happen, which will in turn make the relationship pointless if I'm not thinking about marriage? This just seems like a never-ending cycle of sad.

encrypted elabortion on marriage questions/frustrations.

     Also, What is "happy" in a relationship? To me, all relationships need work and are not going to be butterflies and pony babies with kittens all the time. I understand that, and I have no problem with that, and that's pretty much reality.

(more encrypted text, but this time about happiness)

     I think I need to go to pre-pre-marriage counseling. Or hypothetical pre-marriage counseling. I need to make sure that whoever I marry is The One and I don't end up divorced. I need to be married for life. It is what I believe in, and what I was built for. I'm like a turtle dove. Or something.

 

     That song, Why Should the Fire Die by Nickel Creek makes me cry every time I hear it. It's just wonderful. The lines "Why should the fire die? My mom and dad kept theirs alive" makes me cry and makes me fast forward in my head and see myself with my husband in our 60's still so in love and working to make it wonderful after many years. I love it.

I have blogged two long blogs today.
I'm spent.

in the woods

I can't sleep normal hours anymore for some reason and it makes me sad! I was exhausted at 11 last night and slept until 3. So awful. It's like 4 hours is my cap, and then I'm exhausted all day! Meh.

Well, I had an escape this weekend to a little old cabin in the woods with my love. It was a perfect cabin surrounded by trees and nature and quiet and rain. I loved it! Everything was so much cooler up there, both literally and figuratively. It was like 60 degrees at night and 70 during the day, thunderstorms at night and no rain during the day, and a hot tub in the middle of the forest with the fireflies! It was wonderful.

We cooked a big breakfast with pancakes and maple sausage and hashbrown casserole and orange juice in fancy glasses and listened to jazz music and held hands. We caught up on sleep and watched Star Wars and my Nate when he was little and SO ADORBS. We ate pizza and ice cream and junk food and wrote in the guest book and laughed and and and it was wonderful!

We ventured out to look at antique stores the second day, but most places were closed on Mondays in that little old town :) The ones we did find open were more of a catch-all of homemade gifts, thrift stores, and had little to do with antiques. But we laughed at things and held hands and probably told each other hundreds of times that we love each other. It was fun!

We drove back and stopped at a mountain center and saw all of this real cool AT hiking stuff and it reaffirmed how bad I want to just quit life for 8 months or so and hike it. I'd be in real good shape by the end if I made it to Maine! It would be a real bonding experience for sure! With both Nate and nature :) Maybe after I graduate and before I have to pay back mountains of loans :)

The rest of the time I was perpetually tired. We grabbed sandwiches, went thrifting for a VCR for Nate, and then I had to get my brakes fixed because it sounded like I was dragging the Tin Man behind my car when I drove. At the time I was irritated that I had to spend 2 hours in the repair shop and 150 dollars on brakes, but looking back, Nathan and I talked a lot about a lot of things. At the time they seemed like just regular old conversations, about everything and nothing. But really, it makes me realize how lucky I am to know and be with my best friend. He knows me inside and out. He calms me down when I get heated, he knows my heart, we both are on the same page. We talked about getting married and all that goes with that, along with fibromyalgia, somatiform disorder, autism, wheat (apparently people think it's evil), etc. Just everything.

The thought of marriage is scary. I used to be so ready for it, and now that I feel it is approaching soon (I don't know when, but I know he's the one), it's so scary. I've been burned a few times, and had my share of serious heartbreak, more than the average young lady, and it's compounded into a big ball of good/worry/panic. I never want to lose Nathan. He is my rock and my best friend and I am absolutely in love with him. The thought of something happening to him is something so overwhelming that I can't even describe beyond that. Yet, the thought of being bound forever to one person and trusting them with your being is so scary! I know marriage is hard, and that's scary too. Also coming from a household of divorce is looming over my head as I do not ever want that! I know that I'm just terrified of hurt, and I'm going to have to get over that. I know God has placed me with the best man for me, and I have to trust that. But there's that word again... TRUST. Trusting is hard to do when you have a panic attack when things are out of your control, ex: nursing school. I'm still suffering from PTSD after last semester!

I want to be his wife, and although I'm scared, I'm not unsure. I know he's a wonderful man, and while not perfect human beings (since there is no such thing), we are perfect for each other. I am just going to have to seriously work on letting go of my worry and past and stress. Easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere!

Man, this weekend was full of revelations.

Also, I have known Nate for a year and 3 months today. I love him so!