christmas and the end of my break and things

Christmas was wonderful! Santa was very good to me and my brother and my mom! My boyfriend gave me the best presents ever :) I got 2 copper bracelets that were stamped with "always" and "until the very end" (sweet and from Harry Potter!) which are my favorite! I got a bunch of other stuff as well, like the rad Mucha jewelry box that holds said bracelets :)

6 of my friends got engaged on either Christmas eve or Christmas day. Oy vey. It's a little disheartening when that happens. Two of my best friends have babies already! (Although I'm definitely not even thinking about that yet), but marriage, yes! I've probably wanted to marry my boyfriend before we even said "I love you" to each other! All in good time I guess, I'm just jealous! I want to be done with school and enjoying married life, but it's all a waiting game now!

Speaking of nursing school... I have to start back in a few days and I am definitely not ready or looking forward to it. I just want to be done! I feel like I've been saying that I have a year and a half left forever now, but I really only have about a year and a half left! Ok, nap time.

merry christmas!

:) it's time for bed!

worst day in years...

I feel pretty worthless, ugly, deceived, and used. ;(

time...

It seems like there isn't enough time in the day while at the same time, sometimes at least, there is all the time in the world.

It seems that it was October and then I blinked and when I opened my eyes it was December. It's awesome and bad at the same time. I feel rushed. I leave for New York Tuesday morning and I haven't had a chance to pack yet! It doesn't seem so bad, but I have to work all day tomorrow, wrap a few presents that I haven't gotten to yet, and drive 2 hours back home to spend the night so that it will be easier to leave to go to the airport in the morning. Oy.

I am excited though. I don't really like planes though, which is weird because I didn't have a problem with them until a trip (which I can't even remember which one it was or how long ago, weird) but we hit turbulence and I thought I was going to have a heart attack and teet in my pants I was so scared. Now when I board a plane, I am grasping the seat for dear life the entire flight. I pray and pray and pray and pray. It's just not the way I want to go. You know, screaming in terror and being able to realize my horror before I either get crushed to death or burn alive in an airplane explosion or suffocate going hundreds of miles per hour, miles in the sky. No thanks. BUT, that being said, I am SO very excited to share New York with Nate. I have never been into the city myself. It's always been the Island. So, this time, we are going to spend a majority of time on the Island, but we are going to be brave tourists and venture into the city for the day. Hot dog vendors, THE TREE, (maybe) iceskating, photos, shopping... all of it! It will be fun, I think. Even if we get lost, it will be a fun story later...

I still have a little "cold", although it has gone from my throat into my sinuses and now I can't breathe. It probably didn't help that I went home this weekend and because my mom is in mid-move, my bed was gone. I had to make a makeshift bed on the ground with blankets. Kind of like camping, except more like what I imagine jail cots are like, except worse. And I kept waking up gasping for breath in the middle of the night because my mouth would close or I would wake up drooling all over myself OR I would be in pain and need to roll over because my prison cot felt like a prison shiv in my back.

Anyway, I'm excited. No work, no school, no worries and lots of boyfriend and family time for 6 days. I can't wait!

christmas break!

I feel like I'm 14 (or any age below like, 18) again and school has let out! Except for now I have to work a full-time job until school starts back... but no bother! For in 4 days I will be on a plane to Long Island the visit family and venture into the city with my sweetest boyfriend and brother (I know I wrote that last time). My tonsils are real big and hurting at my head has that "sick" feeling this morning. At least it held off until after finals, right?

I better get ready for work.

tomorrow

Tomorrow is the last day of my first semester of nursing school. I have learned a lot, both academically and about myself. I learned that it is very possible for me to cave under pressure, that I stress eat/sleep, that crying is not beneath me, that sometimes C's are okay if that's what you get after studying for hours on end, that friends who are struggling with you are the best kind of support, that good teachers make all the difference, and I have learned to appreciate every moment with people in your life during free time (which is very little). In my short 2 clinicals I learned that older people need compassionate people to care for them, and that state run nursing homes need to be regulated better. The things I saw broke my heart. Maybe one day I can help change some of that. I am so excited about next semester! OB, med/surg, and mental health! I feel like this will be a hard semester, but it will be one of my favorites because the material is so interesting!

I should be studying pharmacology. I really should. I will, I just can't seem to cram anymore information about drugs into my brain at the moment. I also have an interview for my internship at Athens Regional for the summer tomorrow. I hope I do well!

I get to go to New York on Tuesday with my brother and my love! I am so so so excited! Depending on when Nathan's last present gets here (it better get here soon...) that's when we will do our Christmas. So maybe Monday, or maybe we will wait until Christmas. I just can't wait!

So many things are happening to people around me (in good ways) and I am just so happy for it! Engagements, babies, work being found, better grades... life is good :) As always I'm still very blessed to have the most supportive boyfriend in the entire world ever. He's carried me through some tough times this semester and I love him even more for it. His encouragement keeps me going when all I want to do is cry and give up. I love him to death!

I'm going to try and study now...

it's december!

What?! Oh man.

Well, I love it! I have most of my Christmas shopping done and finals are next week. I should be studying, but instead I am watching Law and Order/photo editing/blogging/pinteresting/looking for ideas for my next photoshoot. (I want to do a 50's themed Christmas shoot with my love)

Nathan and I got a tree! It's my first ever and our first, and it's wonderful and real and pretty and it has our initials on it :)

Here's Bub, loading it up!

:)

Here's the end result! <3

I love love love Christmas! It's my favorite. In like 2 weeks I get to go to New York and see my Dad and Grandma and Nathan and I want to venture into the city! :) So. Excited!

Thanksgiving.

I am SO incredibly thankful for tons of things.

I'm thankful for how God is working in my life, and even though I am not perfect, He blesses me and teaches me something everyday. I'm thankful for my wonderful family, no matter how crazy they are. I'm the most thankful for my wonderful boyfriend Nathan, who I appreciate more and more everyday and I am so blessed to have him to love. I'm thankful for my job and my coworkers (even if they drive me nuts sometimes), my grades in school, getting INTO nursing school and STAYING in, my upcoming trip with my family and my love to Long Island in December, my home that stays pretty messy because I'm busy/lazy, pinterest, the energy to handle a part-time job and full-time school and a full-time relationship, neighbors that are relatively quiet most of the time, seasonal coffees from Starbucks, all of my friends (who all seem to be getting married and having babies), and my health. I'm so thankful for EVERYTHING that I have, and I thank God for many things every night.

Nathan is one of those many "things". I have written on and on about him, but I just love him so much. I think about us often, about how we came to be and how there were a few times when I was sure that we wouldn't be (in the beginning). It really brings to light that "everything happens for a reason" thing. I waited for about 2 years for God to bless me with someone, and sure enough, he sent me Nate. It's been 9 months since we met and I am so happy! I feel like I've known him forever and ever. I'm comfortable and in love and he still makes me get butterflies in my belly. I am just the most thankful ever for him.


Tomorrow I get to have Thanksgiving with Nathan and his family and extended family and maybe ride a horse. I'm excited!

it's almost the end...

of my first semester of nursing school! After much stressing (there's still a lot of that to come, I'm sure), I can safely and confidently say that I am going into my finals with all B's and I hope that I'll be able to keep them :) I owe it all to God and the thoughts and prayers from my friends.

My new job is going pretty good, although I wish they would give me less hours, but again, I should be thankful that I have one in the first place.

I have found my perfect engagement ring. Nathan says it's too much money. I don't think so, but I guess I'm not the one buying it eh?
It looks like this:

Plain and simple and beautiful.

, except for the stone isn't that big and it's like $3,000. Yes Puh-leeze.

Also, I'm sick. Fever, chills, runny nose, stuffy nose, sore nose ;(

I can't wait for Thanksgiving.

increased sleep latency = pinterest, blogging, & netflix

Well, actually it isn't increased latency if it's just disrupted sleep patterns which is very much what it is. I just went to bed at 9, woke up at 11 something, and I have my very first ever nursing clinical at 7 in the morning. Will I get ANY sleep? Perhaps. Maybe in an hour or two my circadian rhythm will kick back into "oh crap, you're supposed to be asleep" mode and I'll hit the pillow and make some Z's in sleepytown. Probably not.

Nursing school is... stressful still, but I am FINALLY getting into the swing of things. I think in the past two weeks I will have taken 3 tests, done my first clinical (STRESS CITY), written 3 papers, practiced for finals, and all the while maintaining a relationship with my Nathan and a part time job that gives me more hours than I could possibly want. I am relieved though, that I am officially going into finals with B's in ALL of my nursing classes. I don't know what is going to happen, but I have been praying, and God has carried me through this semester at my hardest points, and I know that he will continue to carry me through if it is what I am supposed to do.

My Grandmother and Dad are coming down from New York to say hello and to pack all of my Dad's stuff to move to New York and then Nathan, my brother, and I are going up to New York in December. Too many New York's.

Nathan and I went to this really good pasta place tonight called Mirko. It has homemade pasta and sauces and it was delish! Definitely will be going back again!

better days!

The last post was emo. I admit it. I just missed my Nathan, and although I still hate his job, the traveling season is almost over and I hope that I can handle it.

The past few days were fantastic! I got to dress up like a hipster Hogwarts kid (Slytherin, because it's where I belong... with my Snape) and Nate did the same, except he did Gryffindor (which is pretty okay too). We got to hang out with friends and eat delicious food and play games and laugh a lot.

I love him :)

In character...

Sunday we had a lazy day and I tried to carve the Snitch from Harry Potter (it came out kind of okay...) and Nate has an in-progress troll face. Not a real troll face, but an internet troll face. Then we watched Law and Order SVU because that's what I always do, and we laughed and cuddled and mushed and ate and I MADE AN 80 ON MY NURSING TEST. Which pretty much made my whole night (besides being with Nathan, because he always makes all of my nights). *sappiness ahead* The more I spend time with Nathan, the more I realize that I am overwhelmingly in love with him. *end sappiness*

I have approximately one month and a week or so of class left. Let's keep the prayers coming in strong along with those words of encouragement, because I need everything that I can get. I am so thankful for what I have and I need to be more thankful for it. I owe it all to God and the thoughts and prayers from all of my wonderful friends and family. I have the best boyfriend that anyone in this entire world could ever wish for, a super supportive family, wonderful friends, a job, and a wonderful God that is watching over me. I really don't have it so bad when I think about it that way ;)

I just can't wait for Thanksgiving break! I get to eat delicious stuffing and green bean casserole and it'll be cold, and I can wear sweaters and boots and jeans and I get to hang out at the mall at midnight for Black Friday and I get to be with my boyfriend and his family and my family and I get a break from school (kind of) and and and... it will be glorious!

Anyway, things are looking up, and I am so ready and grateful for them!

i hate his job

the end.

Also, I'm a brunette again. I need to stick with this because I always dye it and miss it!

sleepy

It's only 6:30 in the afternoon and I am exhausted.

I have been feeling really "down" about my weight lately. I don't know why. I haven't really fluctuated or anything, I am just blah. I have been trying to eat better, but I haven't weighed in awhile. I wish I had time to work out... or the drive to work out. I am just so tired after school and work! Then I have to study and cook food and I want to spend time with my Nathan... ugh. I dunno. I just want to be super tiny, but I am just not built that way. I wish I could be content and feel beautiful. I feel that at 25 I should be pretty confident and comfortable in my own skin, but I'm not. It's not that I have bad outlying factors involved. No one tells me I'm unattractive or fat, and Nathan is just the best about trying to make me feel beautiful, but I don't feel beautiful, and that's all the difference.

Enough emo.

I''m ready for my boyfriend to come home and give me hugs, but I'll have to wait.

in this twilight

I really love this song. I want to find a good stripped down version without all the noise (but that is that NIN sound).


*edit*
I found a pretty cool stripped down version (that I like more than the original). <3 <3 <3 <3
I love Trent's voice when he sings sings. <3

grilled cheengs sonchs

I got to embrace nostalgia last night with Nate. I went over his house and he made me gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup! :) It was great.

Oh, and it was raining and he met me outside with an umbrella. How flipping sweet. Yep, I'm gonna marry this boy.

my gap is no more!

I got my gap fixed today :)

 

Before

After!

I'm pretty flipping happy about it. I have a super white area where they filled the gap in, but they told me that if I bleached it a little bit it will blend right in, so I hope so!

I get to eat pasta tonight and kinda cheat on my diet. Also, nursing homework later!

bleh.

Good day ---> Bad night.

At least I get to get my teeth fixed today. Maybe that will help my confidence somewhat.

whitening teef is wut?

Ow-ch. in preparation for my new pearly whites (gap closing session TOMORROW! Eek!), I was told that it was a good idea to whiten my teeth to how I want them to be before bonding. This is because the whitening afterwards will not whiten the bonding, so I said, ok, I'll make them really white and then I'll just keep up with that every 6 months or so. No big deal right?

Wrong.

I got this teeth whitening stuff by Opalescence. I am supposed to wear it in a tray for 2-4 hours per the manufacturers instructions. Now, don't get me wrong, this stuff works like magic! In 2 hours my teeth were at least a few shades whiter, but oh man. The pain that my teeth were in. I brushed my teeth at around 3 AM, and man. The worst pain I have ever felt! Sensitivity is to be expected, but dude. This was no sensitivity. In fact, my teeth felt BETTER when introduced to hot stuff. That's no sensitivity.

I made my brother go to the store and get me some Sensodyne, which helped pretty much nil. So then I went and got some extra strength big daddy guns Orajel. It was green and I was rocking a fierce monster face.

That helped a little, but guh. I was drooling everywhere. It was hot. 8|

Anyway, I had been up for like 30 hours or something by noon, so I was flipping exhausted, but my teeth hurt just so bad! Finally the pain started to subside and after around 7 pm, I passed out. Like, dropped in the bed and was out before I even hit the pillow. My phone wasn't on silent and Nate called me like 4 times and I STILL didn't hear it if that gives you any idea of the amount that I was exhausted.

Anyway, lesson learned. If you're going to gel whiten your teeth with a 20% solution, do it for 30 minutes and work yourself up. Guhhhh.

I am so excited for new teeth tomorrow! Also, I can't wait to see Nathan. I think we are going to go to a cornmaze and carve plampkins (pumpkins) and be lovey and stuff because I miss him.

Also, thanks for prayers to every soul out there who took the time for me. I think I did at least okay on my pharmacology test. :)

Also, Also, I just had a dream that I was part of the SVU team and Olivia and Stabler and Ice-T was there and Stephen King was too and he was really nice and we were catching bad guys.

songs and pharmacology

I am supposed to be studying, but... I did for like 2 and a half hours and I need a break.

Boyfriend sent me this song and I super like it. It's sweet and pretty and I've listened to it like 150 times already.

It's the prettiest.

Anyway! I got my consult and I'm getting my teeth fixed Monday! Gulp! I'm so excited/scared. It helps to have a supportive boyfriend. I just hope I don't have bunny teeth afterward...

I was looking at really old (February of this year. Not too old, but how time has passed!) Facebook messages between me and Nathan and we were silly. I am so glad that we love each other and we don't have to say "I like you" anymore. I am the happiest I have ever been. God has sure blessed this girl :)

teef.

I forgot to say that I was going in for a consult to get my teeth fixed on Wednesday! SO EXCITED!

It's been a "thing"of mine for a long time. My gap. We are not friends and never will be. It hogs all of my photos and forces me to keep my mouth shut. Every time I look at a picture of myself, it's all that I can see! Everyone says it's "no big deal" and "you can't even see it!" but it's like when you have a big giant zit on your face and it's all you can focus on. I can't stand it! Partially I feel like I will look unlike myself without it since it's been a part of my smile for 25 years, but the other part of me can't wait to beam a smile and not have to worry about that big giant crack in the middle of my mouth! Anyway, I am going to go see how much it will cost. Let's pray it's not too much!

*not my mouth, but it's an idea.

weekends are bliss

This weekend was much needed!

Friday Nate and I went to go out to dinner and spend time with his grandparents, which was fun. I got to hear Nathan play piano and it always (almost) makes me cry. IT'S JUST SO GOOD UGH. Oh, and cute pictures of when he was a little babe, which was adorbs. Then I drove an hour and a half at around midnight to get home to see my mom and brother.

I don't know what it is, but whenever I come home, I can sleep forever and the best. Saturday Nathan came down to see me and we went and started shopping for our Halloween costumes... at Goodwill. (and I ran into Diz, what the heck!) We came away with some good stuff. I'm practically done, but I just need some little things to finish it. Then we went to Taco Mac and had a beer and some wings with some old friends of mine and then I had to drive Nathan home so he could leave for his business trip in the morning ;(

I hate having to let him go.

Sunday I went shopping with my meemaw (mom) and that is always fun! I found some more costume stuff for cheap, and I tried my hand at dyeing a shirt! It came out really good I think!

Nate's shirt cooking!

 
Also, I watched Revolver with my brother, and I just... nevermind.

ALSO, Sunday was our 8 month anniversary! 8 months has super flown by. I'm the happiest I've ever been with anyone and I'm so blessed to have him! I know it sounds kind of lame counting every month, but... I just love him and that's how it's going to be. I get on flipping Pinterest and see the shinies and the weddings and the houses and I used to think "man, I just want to get married", in general, but now it's "man, I just want to get married to Nate" and I sigh and daydream some more. I'm ridiculous.

I have to start thinking of Christmas presents. Dang.

It's starting to turn into the best season ever (Fall, duh). I swear, something happens in my brain that just makes me the happiest person in the entire world during Autumn. When Nathan gets back I want to carve pumpkins, go into the mountains and see the colors change, wear sweaters, take pictures, play outside, get lost in a corn maze, and all kinds of Fall-ish things. I just wish I wasn't in school... guh. Speaking of which, I really need to start studying Pharmacology!

Time to text my boyfriend and snuggle with my kittens and maybe kind of study.

No studying will get done with the cute cats around.

another "i should be studying but" post

I should be studying, but...

I don't feel like it. I am getting distracted with texts from Nathan, Pinterest (my poison), news about Steve Jobs' death (sad day), and looking at hair because it's been like 2 weeks since I've dyed it and that means that I need to dye it again because I'm weird. I made stuffed peppers the other night and they have been supplying me with lunch and dinner the past couple of days. I think it's time to make something new.

Also, I need to figure out what I'm going to be for halloween!
Also, I need to pass a test I have tomorrow that I should be studying for.
Also, my new job is good.
Also, sleep.

Praise God!

So I have been really antsy about a certain med math exam that I may or may not have failed 2 times and was waiting on my third to be graded... It was a big deal. I had to make 100 on a MATH (wut) test. The first time, I got all of the math right, but I wrote mg instead of ml on one question and failed. The second time, I got all of the math right except for the fact that I rounded to the tenths instead of the hundreths on one question. The third time (which was my last straw, mind you...) I PASSED! I have prayed countless hours and asked an infinite amount of people to pray and think of me for this test. I firmly believe in the power of prayer after this one. I am lucky enough to be able to continue at Piedmont for the Nursing program... that continues to stress me out minute by minute. Wait, why am I excited for this again?

I miss my Nathan. (There is a whole world of miss in that little sentence, but I think short and sweet will do.)

favorites & campfires

Boyfriend taught me how to make a campfire last night and we (I) roasted marshmallows and he sung songs to me and played his guitar and I threw tons of leaves on the fire because it looked cool (yes, I'm 25 years old). It was fun and I love Nate the most ever ever.

I have a mega important day today, and I have prayed mega hard about it. I am employed officially as of Monday at a pretty cool place. We will see how it goes!

Because I'm getting older, I decided to make a list of my favorite things (I have a couple reasons for doing this, but that is one, and it looks way different than my old one that is hidden away somewhere...).

• Color: muted colors and really deep jewel-y colors.
• Flowers: Wildflowers and Calla Lilies

         

• Everything that has to do with Autumn: Pumpkins, leaves, oranges, mustard yellow, deep reds, cool weather, campfires (and the smell), corn mazes, stews, sweaters, boots, jeans, flannel, marshmallows, stuffing...
• Candy: Mounds (Almond Joy), Starburst, Twizzlers
• Snacks: Cheez-its, apples, plums, Funyuns (!)
• Beer/Wine: Stella, Blanche De Chambly, any sweet, white wines
• Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks!
• High heels and wedges :)
• Scarves
• Bangs (but I'm scared to cut my hair again)
• Feathers
• Silver/white gold/minimalistic jewelry
• Tights
• Patterns
• My boyfriend's beard
• Big, giant felt hats
• Headbands
• Art Nouveau (Alphonse Mucha)
• Mashed potatoes
• Writing
• Photography
• Thrifting
• Cheese

That's about all I can think of for now. I'm sure I'll add on as I think of things. Test soon...

The most perfectly wonderful day

My boyfriend...

He's fantastic! Nate took me on a surprise trip! To the Biltmore Estate in NC! It was the coolest!

We got to tour the humongous house, the gardens, the greenhouse, see monstrous goldfish in the ponds, amazing mountain views, do a wine tasting and a tour of the winery, ate delicious food, got home made ice cream, and I bought some delicious dips and stuff. My boyfriend was just the sweetest! Then we drove home and he showed me his video he made for his grandparents' 50th anniversary and it was adorable. I fell a little more in love with him today :) He leaves tomorrow for work, and I am going to miss him dearly.

He's the best :)

i hate nursing school.

I have never felt so dumb, low, and so much like a failure in my entire life. I've never cried so much as I have out of desperation in my entire life. Did I make the right choice to come here?

sleep escapes me

I have a big giant check-off in lab tomorrow and I can't sleep.
I mean, I probably could if I got off the internet and quit watching TV and turned the light off... BUT... I can't. I miss my boyfriend and I just want to hug him real hard.
I'm also being a total girl and fantasizing and looking at engagement rings that might look pretty on that special finger and dresses and I want to dye my hair brown again and I want bangs and I want my skin to clear up and I want to be skinny minny and I want a sewing machine to make cute clothes and an easy job and and and and...
I just want my boyfriend home... I said that already... but I do. Still. Yep.

I'm such a sap. I love him a lot. I miss him.
One more day...

I should be studying, but that's no fun.

I might have a job! I took a drug test today for a pharmaceutical company that will work with me around school. Hopefully it's a done deal and I'll be making money.
Boyfriend is gone on business and this makes me sad and I miss him a lot. I can't wait for him to come back on Wednesday :) It will be sweet.
I don't know why I haven't been shopping at Goodwill. I got some cute stuff there today for like 20 bucks.
I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep because I have to ultimately study for things that I don't want to study for.
I got to take some pictures on Friday with Nate downtown, so I got my photo itch scratched a little bit. I want to take more pictures of people! I want to make this happen.

omg.

Nate wrote me a song!
omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg.

I am so in love with that boy it's not even funny.
He wrote me a song, and it's not hokey or lame. It's the sweetest thing ever.
It made me happy cry.

Also, it took my mind off of my very important med math test in the morning.
He is my blessing and I am the luckiest to call him mine.

Sleep time.

Nursing School is so Hard

Seriously. If you or anyone you know has thought of becoming a nurse, tell them not to do it. It makes you cry all the time and your face break out and stomach hurt from stress, and you have no personal life, and they tell you to get organized and you finally do, they throw more stuff at you out of nowhere and you have to make a 74 in the class or you fail, and and and...

I just want to cry. I have been trying so hard and I have gotten C's on the past 2 tests. I can't take it anymore. ;(

Improvements

Number one thing that I have to improve: Sleep.

For some reason, I can't sleep at night. No matter how exhausted I am from school and other things throughout the day, I can't turn my brain off at night. So, I end up paroosing Pinterest and watching countless episodes of Law and Order in the hopes that it will put me to sleep since I have seen all of them. Since I can't sleep, and I am all over Pinterest, I have found tons of things that I would like to try!

I am trying to lose weight and eat healthier. Nate comes over to the house quite a bit and I have found that I really like to cook. (It's much more enjoyable cooking for 2 than for myself, because when I'm by myself I can just eat whatever). I found tons and tons and tons of recipes on Pinterest that looked delicious and healthy, so I'm going to give it a try!

Before I said that I was getting crafty, and the more that I surf that wonderful ADD-fest website, the more I want a dress form and a sewing machine and a kiln and clay and glaze and furniture to paint, etc. I am working on seeing if someone around here can fire things for me since I can't afford even a little bitty kiln, and Nate's aunt (and mom) both said that I could borrow their sewing machines!

Now, I sound like a mom, which is creepy. I mean, I'm not a mom. I won't be a mom for a long time. However, the older I get and the more I study and stress out, the more I realize that I need an outlet, and I need creative outlets, so I'm going to try and do some new things to keep from going insane!

I had a goodnight tonight just spending time with Nate and his family. I was so comfortable laying with him on the couch indulging in some Spongebob (mature, I know) that I could have passed out! Then as soon as I left and got home, my brain was wired and I couldn't sleep. I'm a mess. OH! I have a job interview tomorrow! Today... whatever. I just hope and pray that it goes well because I need an income if I want to go on more cool dates with my sweetest boyfriend and if I want to eat better (cheap food is the most fattening ever!) and if I want to be crafty. I just want to be done with school and living in a cozy, bitty house and making my own cute clothes and eating good food with Nate. :)

It'll happen one day!

Remembering Lots of Things

Since it's been ten years today since the tragic falling of the Towers in NYC, everyone has been really thoughtful and thankful for what they have, myself included. Ten years ago today, I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. I don't remember much of what happened that day, but in the days afterward I remember a lot. The reason I don't remember much is because I was at home on the couch recuperating from having my gall bladder taken out and was very much in a morphine induced stupor. I do remember my Dad being home and waking me up and telling me to look at the TV. I saw the smoke and a red tape below the screen saying that the towers had been hit. I was so confused. I just remember my Dad left to get my brother from school and it was a very, very sad day. I am kind of glad that I didn't see the second plane hit the second tower, and I didn't need to to understand the loss and complete vulnerability of that attack. I can't imagine the absolute terror that ran through everyone's minds as they watched that happen. I hope and pray that we won't have to see something like that ever again. It's a sad thing for people to be seriously misled into thinking that terrorism is the answer. I pray that God will keep us safe, and I am very, very blessed with what I have.

To end on a lighter note of remembrance, Nate and I went on a date yesterday. Although impromptu, it was a REAL date. Embracing the coming of Fall, I got dressed up in probably what will be my last real chance to wear a cute strapless summer dress for the season, and met him at Starbucks, where we proceeded to get pumpkin frappuccinos! Then we drove to an antique mall, where we found all kinds of cool things that were way out of our price ranges... except for this amazing Kodak camera from the 50's. It was 19 dollars, and although I haven't gotten it yet, I hid it in a real good spot just in case I wanted it later. I looked online and text my bestie and both said it was a super cool camera. I might just have to go back and get it. Then we went to the soap store (I didn't get anything in there, although everything smelled yum), and the general store in Sautee Village, and I was convinced (okay, so they didn't have to even nudge me...) to buy this expensive farmer's cheese that was probably one of the most delicious things that I have ever had. We went outside and played with the bubble wands and then we went to the Sweetwater Coffeehouse with newly bought cheese and crackers in tow.

This was one of the best parts for me. Nate took me to Sweetwater about 5 months ago on a really cool date. We were pretty new, and I was still shy, and we had iced chai tea and he played guitar and played with pick up sticks (actually I just stuck them in his beard). I remember it because there was a lumberjack man sitting there watching us while Nate was playing guitar and said "I'm just waiting to hear you play her a love song" and I immediately freaked out because we didn't say that "L" word yet.

Fast forward 5 months and many, many "L" words said everyday, we went back and got iced chai teas and Nate played guitar and we ate the expensive cheese and enjoyed each other. It made me so, so happy to do that again with the same man that took me there almost half a year before and be able to love him so much more. We should make it a tradition :)

We left Sweetwater (Nate with a new bumper sticker and a really cool homemade thrown, fired, and glazed mug) and went to a bar in Helen (Bigg Daddies I think...) and got wings (his were better than mine. I wanted to steal them all.) and sat outside in the most perfect weather I have felt in awhile and people watched. After that, we went to a "park" across the street and swung on swings and realized that we were both probably never going to be able to do the monkey bars again and climbed down to a bank and skipped stones on the river. After I skipped one stone the entire time (and Nate was flipping skipping all of them), we walked around Helen and got our pictures taken in a photobooth and shared funnel cake before we drove home with the windows down, smelling all of the camp/bonfires every few miles along the way.

It was one of the best days of my life, and I'm glad I got to share it with my love, Nate. Again, I wanna marry that boy someday :)

It's September!

Holy cow. Time has flown by! (kind of)

Many things have happened. My mom was in the hospital for heart problems (heart attack, and then possible "heart failure") not once, but twice. It was terrifying realizing the fragility of our lives. I only realize things like that when I am put in that situation. I prayed and prayed. My mom's heart EF factor was at 30% (basically her heart was functioning at 30 percent) which is in heart failure category. My mom is only 51. I cried and prayed and prayed and my boyfriend and his family prayed and prayed. A miracle happened. My mom went in to get her heart checked, and somehow it healed itself to function at 50% (60% is normal)! I am so very blessed!

School is hard. Tests are hard. My patience is worn, and I feel like I haven't slept in days. I should be studying for a pharmacology test that I have tomorrow, but I need some sort of relief. I have a head cold which isn't helping things either, and Nate is gone so I have no one to cuddle up with. :( I think it's time for a nap before I mega study.

Insomnia

I can't sleep, so I am off and on studying for health assessment, looking at urban outfitters and anthropologie for crafty diy inspirations, craigslist for a cheap nightstand/mirror/desk, watching Law and Order, and babysitting jobs. What the heck. I should be sleeping, but alas, I am not and cannot.

This is where a sleep aid should come in handy. I find that if I take anything to help me sleep though, I feel just as tired in the morning as if I didn't sleep, so I might as well stay up and be somewhat productive than sleep and feel just as awful in the morning. I'll just get coffee and try and survive my 3 hour class in the a.m.

Anyway, I passed my first nursing check off just fine. My first test is Thursday, and I am a bit stressed about it since I don't know what the tests are like. Such is life. I cooked my first dinner ever in the house yesterday! I made pasta with a meat sauce and a nice salad for me and my boyfriend :) Then we watched Home Alone 2 and ate some ice cream. Nights like those make me the happiest!

I am the biggest home-body in the world. I like to go out and have my fun, but at the end of the day I want to be in my comfy, familiar house with my boyfriend (which doesn't happen nearly enough). I have the craft bug. I made a bunch of "crackle" frames that I need to fill with pictures. Next on my list is a jewelry "frame"! I think I have latched onto this because it's a way to relieve some of the mega ultra stress from nursing school. This is the most stressful thing I've ever done. Knowing the material is one thing, and the thing that I love the most, but having to apply it to real patients and being responsible for lives... that's the stressful part. I just want to be done with school and married and make money to pay off debts so I can make my own cutesy house and not have to worry as much. Can that happen please?

Boyfriend is still the best thing ever and I fall in love with him more and more everyday. It's fun to look back at my blogs about our first few dates and how everything progressed. It makes me smile to see how something so great has blossomed from a giant leap of faith. God has blessed me for sure. I wanna marry this man someday :)

Nursing School...

is the most stressful thing that I have ever attempted to do in my life. The amount of studying required is insane. My personal life has not suffered much yet, and I am working hard to keep everything in balance. It helps to have the most supportive boyfriend in the entire world. I was having a plethora of bad days in a row starting the night of my 25th birthday (sometimes nothing wants to work in your favor), and he made everything better. He made me dinner for my birthday (Harry Potter themed!), got me a ukulele, then the next day he got me an Alphonse Mucha (my favorite!) poster, then the next day he hand wrote me a letter about how much I meant to him and mailed it to me, we started praying together, and has just been immensely supportive. I have been praying for my entire life, and it has been a very important aspect of my life. But, praying with someone is very intrusive and personal. Even though right now we just pray in thanks over our food and for each other, it feels so right and like we are "bonding", even if it sounds dumb.

I am blessed, and trying so hard to "give everything to God". Here's to trying!

Cryptic Life Questions...

What am I doing? Is this all right? Is this how it is supposed to be? What if it's a mistake? What if it's not supposed to be? Who am I dealing with? What if there are secrets? What if I'm supposed to be somewhere else? How do I know? When will I know? Will I ever? Will it get clearer? Are there things that don't belong? Are there hidden things that come out later? What signs are there? What if I fail? How will I pick myself back up? Do I start over? Do I trust? Do I take words?

Stress

Well into my second WEEK of nursing school I have learned and done many things:

• had at least two crying fits/nervous breakdowns
• learned that I need to organize and prioritize
• appreciated that my boyfriend is the most supportive, amazing, wonderful man in the entire world
• prayed a whole lot
• read more than I have in my entire life
• slowly came to terms with the fact that I will have no life for 2 years
• made some new friends

 Needless to say that I am stressed. Nursing school itself has induced many headaches and sleepless nights already, and I am finding myself trying my hardest to NOT get behind. I think about giving up when I get frustrated and exhausted, and then I think about what I had to go through to get here. I found out this week that I was chose out of 200 applicants as one of 24 students in the program in Athens. Not to toot my own horn, but that really surprised me, and I am very grateful for it. I have been very blessed, and I know that I can't take any of this hard work for granted! God placed me here for a reason, and I am going to do my best.

I am finding my place in Athens. Things are still in boxes, and I feel like I haven't had a moment to do any serious settling in. My roommate seems to have been able to get unpacked and moved in in record time which is kind of ___________. I don't know how to feel about it. I kind of like to pretend that I live alone ;) I am also finding PLACES in Athens. It's fun to have Nate come over and him show me around and us explore. I really want to go thrifting soon. Last time we tried to go I was feeling like poop, so.

Umm... I really have been into jewelry lately. I want some more dainty silver rings and cute earrings. Etsy has been my online window shopping epicenter. I love it!

Also, my birthday is Sunday. A quarter-of-a-century years old. I hate that, but Nate is making me excited for my birthday. I know he has dinner planned, but I don't know details, and I am looking forward to my birthday for the first time in YEARS. Well, time to veg for a bit before I start to read more about Pharmacology and Med Math and Nursing Fundamentals and Health Assessment...

Christa W, BSN, RN

This will be my title one day.
For now, I have completed exactly one day of Nursing school, and it was pretty daunting. I feel like there will be a lot of studying and crying and being on the brink of giving up, but I will prevail because I have a ton of supportive people in my life and prayer. I was doing pretty okay until I started looking at Pharmacology... but I don't have that class until tomorrow so I'll find out, I'm sure. There were quite a few people in the classes that I was in that failed in the Summer, so that's not exactly inspiring. I just have to stick with studying and reading and not get behind. Updates soon. For now, I have a date with a cute boyfriend that is going to cook me a burger and play me songs on the guitar.

i carry your heart with me...

I love e.e. cummings. I like that he writes in lowercase and that his format is weird. My favorite poem is his most famous, "i carry your heart":

"i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)"

In true love-stricken-like-a-teenager fashion, I thought of this poem today because I've been with my sweetest boyfriend for 6 months. And because I am the biggest sap ever, I decided to blog about it. He's the best and this is the happiest I have been in years and years. I love his family, his friends, his soul, and everything he is about. He's the most genuine, sweet, honest person I have ever met and I am very blessed to call him mine. I hope to write about us again in another 6 months, and many months after that. He's the best thing that's ever been placed into my life, and I am very thankful for him. He makes me laugh and fall more in love with him everyday. He's my everyday present from God :)

Basically, I love my Nate.

<3

 

 

 

Things and Things

I have survived a full week in my new house! I haven't met my roommate yet, but I am hoping it works out (since I'm stuck here for a year either way!)

Nate and I will have been together for 6 months tomorrow! [let's see if he remembers... ;)] I can say that this is the happiest and most comfortable I have ever been in my whole life, and I am loving every minute of it. I have been blessed! These 6 months have flown by super fast... except for July. The entire month of July I didn't work, or go to school, so it dragged on. I have noticed lately that I really like being "busy". Whether it's just running errands or school or work or boyfriend time :) I'm looking forward to school for sure. I'm ready for these 2 years to fly by so I can actually be a nurse and make money and start a "family" (whatever that means).

I'm still counting down until the big 25. Guh... Not looking forward to that! I feel old already, and I don't need a number to further verify that. I think that I just feel so "behind" because I'm still in school, not married, etc. Maybe when I graduate I'll feel better, like I've gotten back on track and caught up. I'm not comparing myself to other people individually I guess (because there are certainly people out there who I would not want to exchange life paths with) but I suppose as a general whole. I'll get over it.

Up late...

Well, I'm sitting up in my new house in Athens :)

It's really bizarre living on my own. I like it, but it's taking some getting used to. I'm closer to my boyfriend, which is awesome, and I'm super close to school which is another plus.

I'm going to be 25 soon... stress city! I feel so old and unaccomplished! I'm hoping these 2 years of school will fly by (God willing).

My trip to Florida was fun. I saw family I never get to see, and I sat in the sun, and I got to go to Harry Potter World, which was amazing (but, I super missed my Nate). He taught me a new ukulele strumming pattern tonight! :)

I need to go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow!

Lovefool

I have become a lovefool, but that should not be a surprise to anyone.

One week to the day until I can see my love again. (I just noticed that my blogging has increased quite a bit, and all of the blogs are sappy). I'm not suffering from separation anxiety yet, but I do miss him a whole lot. I have errands to run today, and here I am blogging and editing photos from last weekend. Probably not the wisest of my decisions. Also, my boyfriend and I saw Harry Potter and boy did I cry.

I miss my boyfriend. I said that already.
We are either leaving for Florida tonight, or tomorrow, and I haven't packed. Not that I really care what I look like. I am going with family, and I am going to enjoy my time on the beach and at the pool sipping drinks and getting fresh air... and missing my boyfriend. I am ridiculous, I know. But, he is my best friend, and when you don't have your best friend around then who are you going to do best friend things with? I miss him dearly.

I was talking to my mom today (... or the other day... no matter) about relationships. As we were talking, the weird idea came tumbling into my brain of "what if my boyfriend is my future husband?" and it really took me back. It seems silly that I hadn't actually thought of this earlier, since I have been on a quest for a so-called perfect man to become my husband since I matured. But, I think because I was younger and dating, I always just dated and assumed that maybe one day I would marry the person, and maybe not, trying so hard not to get attached to something that may not last forever. In many aspects I am glad for thinking this way, because if I didn't and put all my hopes into any number of someones then I would be in world of trouble now, married to the wrong person and living miserably for the rest of eternity. Then I think back to the wave of DUH that hit... What if my boyfriend is "the one"?

It's scary and bizarre and wonderful and curious and hopeful all at the same time. Do you just "know"? Some people say that they believe in love at first sight, and some have been together years and years before they get married. I guess I won't know. For some reason though, the idea of dating my maybe future husband kind of weirds me out. Or maybe I shouldn't think that way? But I have to because you have to talk about kids and if there is a possibility of a future and finances and beliefs and all of the adult things that I am not ready to face yet. It stresses me out just thinking about it. I don't want to seem crazy, but if things progressed/stayed the same that they are now, I could marry my boyfriend in the future. I absolutely could. But that sounds crazy and I don't want my boyfriend to think I'm crazy and a stereotypical woman even though I am. A typical woman; not crazy. (These frenzied thoughts drive me crazy.) I am deeply in love with him and I can see a future, and babies and a house and love and family and all kinds of things. But I feel like I shouldn't be thinking these things because we have only been dating for almost 6 months and so much could happen on either side of the spectrum of relationship stuff. Did I mention that my name totally sounds good with his last name? (I'm a creep) ...I am an idiot.

But here I am, almost 25 (dear goodness), and I have to think of this stuff. It's like my biological clock is making me think these things. At 18 I'd feel like I had all the time in the world, and oh what I would give to have the lack of responsibility that I did back then. It's not that I feel the need to have babies right away, because that's absolutely not how I feel. I truly want to enjoy my husband for awhile before that happens. I think that I am just ready to spend the rest of my life with someone that I deeply care about. I never liked to date, and I still don't, and all I want is something pure and happy that I can have forever. Is that so hard? I guess so... and I know that God will place me with the right person (if my boyfriend isn't). I think because I am a woman, and a hopeless romantic, seeing people get engaged and have babies makes me envious. Although, now that I think about it, I haven't been envious of those things as much as I am just happy for them. Maybe it's because I am in a very fulfilling relationship at the moment and it doesn't matter to my heart what may or may not happen; it just knows that I am happy now.

I don't know. All I know is that I am in love, and I miss my love, and I would give anything to see him right now.

Separation

Not in the way that the title implies ;)

My sweet boyfriend has to go on a trip to learn about his new job, and I am going on probably one of the last "family" vacations I'll ever have before I have my own. He will be in (South Carolina, I think) and I will be in Florida. I miss him already. It will be 8 days before I see him again.

I showed him my last blog, since he was curious and he liked it. It's scary having someone read your thoughts, but it turned out for the best I think. I really, really love this man. I am probably the most annoying person to my friends, as he is to his, since we both ga-ga on Facebook all the time. I can't help it. I am happy and I deserve to be, and if I feel the need to share it, then goodness gracious I'm going to.

One thing that I need to work on is reading more. About God in particular. I'm going to bring my Women's Bible with me on vacation. Although I pray a lot to God, it would do me good to depend on him more and learn about him. I feel that Him gifting me with a love that I haven't ever know has "distracted" me from God. I don't mean that in a bad way at all! I just feel that God has given me this man to enjoy and to fall in love with, and just as I am taking this man in with every bit of my being, I need to pray more and thank God more and put more of my faith into Him. I think this "break" of not seeing my worldly Love will give me a balance of time that I can spend reading and growing in God. I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and even though sometimes I need to reassure myself, I know that nothing God does is an accident. We were meant to spend this week or so apart. Maybe myself to learn and grow closer to my family, and maybe for him to grow closer to his and get everything in line for himself. Either way, I will pray that I don't go insane. Even though I have faith in God, I am human, and my mind wanders towards insecurity at lightning speeds. Prayer does wonders, God works in mysterious ways, and he calms my mind and soul.

Tracking back, since my mind runs a million miles a minute and can't keep anything properly grouped together, after reading my blog, this is what Hipsterjack wrote back to me:

"That's the sweetest, most beautiful thing I've ever read :) I am so in love with you (insert full name here). God is looking out for us and I see good things in the future. You are my best friend now, and you mean the world to me, I mean that <3"

I really honestly don't remember having a love like this. The other night we just laid together and tangled up in each other and talked and laughed and took each other in. It was wonderful. He makes me feel like the most important person, and he told me tonight that it was because I was the most important person to him. He's a romantic; even if not in the conventional sense with the showering of gifts and grandeur displays of affection. He cares about how I feel, in all meanings of that definition and that can be the most romantic thing ever. We have both agreed that we are turning each other into romantic saps, but we both don't care. It's a wonderful feeling, and I hope it lasts a long time.

There's a line in a Nickel Creek song that says "Why should the fire die?/ my mom and dad, kept theirs alive". This line, however simple, really spoke to me. Why does the romance have to die? Why can't both people work to keep it? Or was it never there to begin with? I feel like hidden in these moments of young debt made up of college and car loans, and frugality of cheap dates lies a romance that has to be mustered up out of "want". When there isn't money to be spent, you just have each other, and you can either make the most of it or complain that you have no money and look forward to the "well, one day I'll have money and we can do this or that". We play scrabble and backgammon or hang out at his house and watch TV with his family, and I hear life stories from his parents while he plays guitar. We drink coffee and enjoy each others' stories and companies and tell each other little ditty's of love for each other that would be nauseating to anyone other than us. We walk around the mall, hand in hand, taking turns in each others' favorite stores and eat cheap food court food. Every once in awhile, we will splurge and see a movie, and melt together entwined in our seats. I love this simple love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He has my heart. So again, if we have this now, can I hope that it will stay? I pray it will.

I said it again: prayer. I live on prayer. I need prayer. I have conversational prayer with God, as if he is speaking back, and in my mind I feel that he is in his own way. I have heard of people physically hearing the voice of God. I have not, to my recollection, and I do not dismiss it as fact. But, I don't need a physical response to know that he is listening. When I pray, I feel safe. It's as if a blanket of calm envelopes me and I am physically and mentally rejuvenated. I've prayed to stop swearing, and I have been a lot better about it. I am a very thankful person to everyone, and I am trying to be more open about it (another lesson that I learned from my boyfriend). I figure things out when I pray. I voice a problem to God. I don't hold back. He knows when I am mad or depressed or upset or happy or in love, so why not vocalize these things to Him? I do, and when I am mad, for example, telling Him that I am mad eventually works itself out to where I am tired, and even though I am mad, maybe even at Him, that if I hold on and trust Him, it will all be okay. In my experiences, this is true. At my deepest, darkest times, I was never mad at God. I held out, even when I felt like giving up, and He made me a deeper, truer believer than I ever have been.

Which takes me back to my boyfriend. Oh, how I have waited for a love like this. I would cry and beg and pray to God for a date (even just a date!) with a nice man. I waited and waited, and God rewarded me with someone so special and precious to me, that I wouldn't change it for the world. I will never be the way I was a few years ago ever again. Never will I take anything good for granted. I am very blessed, and I owe everything in my life to God. God created situations for me, both easy and difficult, so that I may grow as a person. I know that my trials are not over; I have a long life to live if he sees fit, and I'm sure they will not all be walks in the park. But, I have learned SO much through these things. I have learned to place all of my faith in Him. When I feel sad or insecure or worry about things that I shouldn't, I immediately turn to God for solace and peace of mind and in a matter of minutes, I feel better. He has shown me to never take a love for granted, and if you love someone, you will work through things to make it. He has softened me emotionally, and made me more able to feel love and if I'm happy, heck, I cry about it! I don't play games anymore. I don't tempt "fate" and I don't try and get more than I deserve. God has made a real woman out of me; a good Christian woman, and to see the transformation in myself makes me feel wonderful.

This isn't to say that I'm not human. I'm VERY MUCH human, and I am very much full of faults. My faults, I have learned, to not beat myself up over. Mistakes happen, and they are only real mistakes if you don't learn from them. I am tempted everyday by things that may not seem like a fault to many.

I think one of the sweetest things that my boyfriend has ever said to me is that I am the sweetest love that he has ever known besides God. That makes me feel so special. I may be a sap, but tying in his religion to me means a lot to me. My faith is so huge to me, and I am trying to make it a much larger piece of my life and I would love for us to both grow in it. I think that when I move in to my house, I would like to go to church with my boyfriend and his family so we can grow together. It is a sense of closeness that means a lot to both of us.

On a side note: It's interesting to see our relationship unfold from the beginning. I do hope and pray that we will have many, many, many more stories and pages to fill together.

I've rambled too long. It's time to practice the ukulele and pray to my Savior :)

Grapefruit.

That is my breakfast. I'm trying to eat healthier. And although eating a grapefruit at 1 in the morning probably isn't great, it's a lot better than eating a fourth meal at Taco Bell.

Well, I made an A in Nutrition. I am very happy with that. I have to start getting everything finalized for school and my apartment. It is a strange thing, growing up. I want it, because I want to be a wife and a mother (one day) and make money and be able to support myself. But, at the same time, it is very odd to come to terms with the fact that I won't have my brother to go run errands with or my mom to come home to and talk about things. The realization that I am growing up (even at 24) and I am leaving home probably for good, is weird, and very sad. I will miss them both very much, and I don't know how I will function without them, and at the same time I don't know how I function living in the same house! I am blessed with a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, though.

This man. He is amazing. He makes me cry, in absolutely good ways, all the time. It is incredibly amazing to hear that someone plans things around you. It makes me feel like the most important person in his life. Whether I am or not at this point is moot; he makes me FEEL like I am, and it is the best feeling in the entire world. To have someone tell you that the most mundane everyday overlooked things that you do are wonderful or even "sexy" to them is... amazing. I was floored. This man makes me fall deeper and deeper in love with him every time I speak to him. He is the sweetest man I have ever met. (I feel the need to describe everything in great detail, here's why: 1) If I deem it necessary to describe the terrible things to the most minute detail, then why not when life is going well? and 2) as Plato said, "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet".)

This goes back to my last post. Regardless of whether or not we will be together forever, God has shown me a love that I thought I would never have (and I must always remember it as this). It surpasses the love that I thought was the greatest at one point in my life. He is my best friend, and I don't know if I have told him that yet or not. He embodies something so amazing and so foreign to me, that I can't quite explain it. It is a love that is comfortable enough, and yet it still sets my heart on fire. I am excited when I am around him and when I know that he is mine and I am his, it makes me have the greatest sense of security. I look at him, and I can see that he loves me. The way he looks at me is something that I feel like I have never had before. It makes me tear up to think about it (I'm such a sap). He doesn't just hug me, he holds me. He asks me constantly what I'm thinking because he cares to know. He kisses me, and I melt. One of my favorite things is resting my head in his lap and him combing his fingers through my hair. It is the simplest thing, and I don't have to ask for it, he wants to do it. The way he holds my face when we kiss makes me fall into a love-induced sort of drowsy stupor that I can't explain. When we listen to music and he hums the harmony in my ear, it makes my heart smile. I wake up in the morning looking forward to seeing a note or a message or something from him, and when I do, my day is instantly brighter. I feel vulnerable, and it's terrifying, but somehow I feel like that is how it is supposed to be. It's terrifying in that he could take advantage of me if he wanted. He could use me up and break my heart into a million tiny pieces if he so desired, but he doesn't. I guess that's the trust part. That part is the hardest to give away, and I pray about it every night. I thank God every night for him and that I have the strength to not worry and to be at peace with the fact that he has my heart. I hope that he will keep it safe, and he has done nothing to make me think that he wouldn't. He's thoughtful and sweet and open and sincere and I am ...truly enamored with him (although it is very hard for me to say these things in person).

To be in lust is very easy to confuse with love, and I have learned this the hard way from past relationships. I loved him as a person very early on; someone that I wanted in my life, and I told him so. I fell harder and faster with this one in love, with him as a "lover" in the partner sense of the word, and I did not want him to know. I didn't want him to know because I would have been heartbroken if he didn't feel the same, and for my own protection. I didn't want to be in lust with him and then get tangled up in the words "I love you" with confused meanings and feelings. When it happened, it wasn't ideal (it happened over the phone), and when he said it for the first time face to face, I hesitated to say it back. It is bizarre to share your deepest, most vulnerable feelings with someone for the first time. Maybe not bizarre... but nerve-wrecking. When I said it, it felt right. It was love.

It is love. I love his family. I love that I am comfortable with his family. (The weekend trip went great, even though I had a kidney stone...). Everything about him, I love. He is hilarious, and he likes my laugh. He is patient to teach me the ukulele even though I have no understanding of anything related to music theory. We can sit around and watch TV and eat cheap food and do nothing but have nothing to explore but each other and it's a perfect peace. He pulls me into his stories that could be about everything and at the same time nothing in particular. Even when he repeats himself (something that would generally annoy me, since I tend to mentally latch onto everything random and never throw it away), I can't help but smile and think that he is adorable. He doesn't shrink away when I cry, or give up on me when I get angry or frustrated. We still speak for hours on the phone, and like his stories, the conversations are about everything and nothing. We have made up words that make my whole day. When he tells me he thinks of something or sees or hears a song that reminds him of me, it makes me the happiest woman in the world. To be thought of and cared about is something that I went without for so long, that I almost forgot what it was like. To get goosebumps at the touch of someone, or a warmth from a hug, and knowing that he knows right where to touch me to make me melt, is something so precious to me, and I never want to let it go.

There have been times where I have wrestled with the idea of giving it up. In the beginning he had a job prospect that would have taken him hundreds of miles from me. He didn't get it. He didn't know what he wanted out of life and with whom he wanted to be with, and I prayed to God about what road I should take. We both stayed. His job requires travel (something I am against, but that is for another day of soul searching to discuss), and I am praying through it. For some reason, we are still together, and I can't help but think that God put us together for a reason. I am grateful to God for giving me the chance to get to know the wonderful person that this man is. I hope that we will be together for a long time. I learn from him, and I hope that I do offer him something more than my "love" for him.

I just needed to elaborate. I love him, and all of that goes into those three words every time I say them. The end.

Happiness is Here.

Well, I finished nutrition. We will see how I did.

I go on a family vacation with HIPSTERJACK and his familia this weekend. I'm nervous, but excited. I have never felt more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. He's still able to give me butterflies and the biggest smiles and tingles and make me laugh so hard I cry. God is trying to show me something, whether he's my soul mate or not, and I'm trying to have open eyes and ears and arms to take it all in.

I have become quite the sap lately and everything makes me contemplate crying. In a good way of course. HIPSTERJACK says things to me that make me want to cry and grab him and never let him go. It's a love like in the movies. Granted, we have our differences, but they aren't severe enough (not nearly!) to be judgmental of each other. I have fun with him and he has my heart. I still pray for a clear head when it starts to wander into self conscious territory, but this man shows no sign of NOT loving me. I don't know why I worry. I guess it's a fault of being human.

My apartment is almost settled. I go to Florida soon with family. I start my nursing school soon. Good things are happening... Except for me turning 25, but that's another blog for another day. Thank you God for everything :)

Less Than Three!

I love my Hipsterjack, and it's a wonderful feeling to have reciprocated love. :) I haven't felt this way in a long, long time and it's the greatest! I get giddy and butterflies and I want everyone to know about it. We've been dating for 5 months, and I'm very happy.

Thank you, God, for answering my prayers :)

LOVE

I'm in love and he loves me too. All is right in the world :)

Diva

I have taken a great interest in fashion and hair and nails and makeup lately. I enjoy being feminine lately. Dresses, nail painting, trying different things with my hair and makeup. It feels fun, and I think I am finally out of my rut where I didn't care what I looked like for the longest time. I want to look good for my boyfriend, which in turn makes me want to look good for me. It's a lovely change.

I look at old blogs and see how far I've come. I promised myself on Valentine's Day in 2010 that I would not pursue a man, that I wanted one to pursue me. I lived up to that promise, and I met a man who likes me very much for me, and I never had to beg him to like me. Although we haven't dropped the "L" bomb yet, I feel it's presence creeping up on us, slowly, but surely. I realized then that I NEEDED God, and my faith, and I have lived by that ever since and have not faltered from that. I have put more faith into God than I have in my whole entire life, and he has done nothing less than reward me for it. I love Him. I promised then that I would not have sex again until I am married. I have also stood by this promise, and my boyfriend respects it as well. We are together knowing that it isn't for sex, and that is a wonderful thing. On that same day I also promised that I would not date anyone who didn't love God, and that has worked out as well. This man and I are learning and finding out so many things about each other and I love it. He has made me pray hard to God through trials, and I have led him to God through his own troubles. Last but not least, I wanted to live Christ-like. Although I try to do this, I fail at times, but I know that I cannot give up because of things that happen. All in all, I have lived a more supportive and positive life, and I feel that is Christ-like.

I have also been on a weight kick, eating smaller portions and eating healthier. When I went to the doctor in April, I weighed 150 (probably more, but I think I lied to myself and said 150). I was tired of looking at myself in the mirror (naked) and feeling ashamed and gross. I am down to 138 right now, and I'm still working on it. :) I'm thankful for that. Determination and hard work is... hard.

Tonight though, I throw my diet to the side, and I get to have a real dress up dinner date with my sweet boyfriend. He starts his new job today, so he is going to stay dressed up, and I am going to GET dressed up (after I have my Spanish II class), and we are going to eat some delicious food and enjoy each other.

I move to Athens in less than a month.
Nursing will be my only classes left to take.
In 2 years, I will be an RN.

Time to get ready for things.

4th of July Weekend

I passed Algebra, which was a feat in itself. I don't know if I mentioned it, but Hipsterjack (way back when we first started dating, I said I would call him Beard. I don't know what happened with that...) and I are officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

Although I am an adult, I can't help but feel wonderful when I am around him, and sad when I'm not. Well, not all the time sad, but when we part on not wonderful terms it makes me sad. I really care about him a lot. I have been contemplating saying the big "L" (uh oh) word for awhile, but I haven't and I don't know if I should. I keep praying about it, and I am hoping that God gives me a sign. I just for some reason lately, have been really stressed out. I am relieved about Algebra, but I think I am worried about Hipsterjack's new job (which requires SOME travel, we both don't really know how much) so I am praying about that, and I don't know when to say the "L" word, which is surprisingly stressful.

I need a weekend away with just me and my Hipsterjack. I get to see him tomorrow, and I am super excited. :)

Updates soon.

Publish Post

UpDATES

I have a date with HIPSTERJACK today and I am so excited. He is the sweetest man I have ever been lucky to have and know. He told me today that I made him smile and that he's glad that he found me. It makes me want to cry. In a good way! I forget how lost and lonely I was sometimes, but having him is a constant reminder of how God worked and is working in my life. My apartment is settled in Athens, God provided money through amazing family. I am praying about my math class, as it is proving to be harder than ever. And still, in my relationships I am weeding out negative people that do me more harm than good and being ever more positive. This man... God really blessed me. He is a gift to me. We play off of each other wonderfully. I don't have to worry, and if I find my mind wandering that way, I pray. I tell myself to give all of my worry over to God, which is hard, but it works. I am in love, and no, he still doesn't know it. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but all in good time I suppose. :) anyway, I love God and I love this man and I love his family and I love where I am headed. Thank you, God. :)

I'm in Love...

... But he doesn't know it yet ;)

:)

Well, nothing super new or anything. I am still dating Hipsterjack, and I like him very much :) I got an A in Spanish this summer and started my first nursing class! I am stressing about money and moving to Athens, but I'm excited too. I am having a hard time letting God have complete control even though I know I have to. I have to keep praying about it!

Scrabble.

The hipsterjack and I hung out today. We played scrabble, got coffee, dinner, watched a tv show and just hung out. I like him a lot. :)

I am going to go to Piedmont for nursing school. I got 2 A's, a B... And I failed algebra. But, I am taking it over in the summer, so I hope it works out!

Pretty much good things abound! I think too much, which sometimes gets me worrying, but I have to keep telling myself that God is in control and what is supposed to happen will happen. I need to quit swearing as much. I need to pray about that too...

It's mothers day! I am going to take my mom out to eat dinner at her favorite place.

I am exhausted.
Bedtime.

Things and Things.

Things are still good. :)

I met hipsterjack's best friends (and their wives) last night, and they were awesome! I love where we are headed, and I am really glad for everything that God has put into my life, including this man. I have an interview tomorrow for Nursing school, but I am going to pray about it hard. I would rather go to Piedmont I think, and my mind is pretty much made up. However, having a choice would be nice. Yeah, prayers are needed.

I don't know what else to say! I am thankful for everything right now. I mean, I always am, it is just coming in waves now. :)

THANK YOU GOD

Sweet Progress.

Well, life has been going pretty swimmingly lately. I feel immensely blessed!

In an update from last month, I will probably go to the nursing school that accepted me, but I have an interview at another one on Thursday! Choices are always better than being forced to go one way without a say, so I'm still excited. :)

My dad is sober now and doing well. I'll continue to pray about that! My mom loves her job and her boss treats her wonderfully and with respect, which is something she wasn't used to having worked for huge corporations. My brother is still my brother and doing brotherly things.

My love life has take a good turn. I am still dating the hipsterjack guy, which is going extremely well. I met his family last night for his birthday. :) I am in puppy love for sure. OH! He is not going to Chicago! My prayers were answered, and it seems that I am doing something right because God wanted him to stay for some reason or another. This guy... he is just the best. We get along amazingly, he's sweet, smart, and super talented. I can't wait to see where this takes me. :)

School is... school. I am getting burnt out again. I guess 2 years straight of school will do that to you. Just 2 more and I'll be done and making money and living on my own! (Unless the world implodes in 2012, in which case my degree won't matter and all of my stress would have been for naught.) Algebra is kicking my butt, and it's so hard to make it to my 9:00 class in the morning.Work is decent. I have to work a lot lately which cuts into study time at school (which drives me insane) and date time (which helps me keep my sanity), so I will have to see. This week though I have 4 days off after Monday! Tuesday I have to meet Hipsterjack's best friends and their wives. We aren't "officially" boyfriend/girlfriend yet, but I like where it's going. :)

All in all, things are going really well besides the fact that I am physically and mentally drained.

Blessed!

Well, I just got home from spring break. It was the first one that I have ever been anywhere on. My brother and I and 3 of his friends decided that Key West would be fun, so we went there and had a super wonderful relaxing trip even though it took 14 hours each way. :/

I got some awesome news and some sad news while on "vacation". I got accepted to nursing school, which eases a bit of stress from my mind and adds some at the same time (now I have to find an apartment, etc.). BUT I got accepted, and I am that much closer to being able to help people! On a sad note, a friend that my brother and I knew and went to church with committed suicide. It's so sad. I hadn't talked to him in years, but my brother said that he was really depressed the last time he saw him. It's so sad that someone feels that they need to do something like that to ease their pain. I am praying for his family.

The earthquake in Japan is sad as well and I've been praying a lot for them. My cousin is in the navy and they are stationed over there. I just pray that the nuclear power plants don't explode. :(

I am still seeing my hipsterjack guy, and no word on Chicago yet. I can only continue to pray that he can stay and find a job here, especially since me getting accepted into nursing school will put me much closer to him. I get to see him Wednesday and I am so excited. We both talked for hours the entire time we were both on vacation. I really like this man.

My dad is in New York for 3 weeks to visit my grandma. She adopted a dog today from a last chance rescue, and I am so happy for her that I could cry. I know that having something to take care of will help her in dealing with my grandpa's passing. I pray for her and my dad a's well.

So, all in all, a lot of praying has been going on. I have to be at work at 7 this morning and I can't sleep! I'm praying God will help me stay awake at work! ;)
Until something else awesome happens,
Adios!

Pouring.

    I was reading this Bible app that I have today, and the plan that I started reading really hit close to home. It read:

"Psalm 6:6

Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and He will help you turn your attention from yourself to Him and His mercy."

     This is just what I needed to read concerning my situation with my guy. I need to let God take control of the situation. I know that God will do what he will, and that it will turn out how it is supposed to. I feel like I really have met someone that is just amazing, and we have so much in common. I asked God today why this was happening, and in all honesty, I am mad. I am mad that after so long, something good finally comes along, and He is taking it away from me again. I know that I shouldn't be mad at God, or mad in general, but after so long and so many broken pieces of my heart, I just wish that it would work out. I PRAY that it will work out. Maybe I should be thinking of it in a matter of "well if he really liked me then he wouldn't leave to take a job somewhere so far away", but I can't be like that. Like myself, I do want the best for him, and if it's in Chicago, even though my heart would be broken, then so be it. I feel like it will happen, because I am going on Spring Break for a week, and he will be in another place during the same time, and it's like God is preparing me for letting go. I just want a wonderful love, and when my heart starts to fill with it again, to have it ripped from me AGAIN, I just don't know what would happen.

     I know that I am pretty solid individual, and I read somewhere that what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, but my heart can only take so much. He said to me today that the whole thing weighs heavy on his head/heart. I know he likes me, and I like him. It is the first time in a long time that I have felt that way. It is the first time in a long time that I have been able to stifle urges of mistrust. Most importantly, it is the first time that I have been really HAPPY in a long long long long long LONG time. I mean, truly happy.

     My friend who introduced me to the church that I visit when I have time, actually told me that she made a list of the perfect man that God could give her, and about 2 weeks later she met her now husband. I took her advice and made a list. This guy fits my list. It is the first time that I had ever shared that list with anyone, and he fits it. Perfectly. It is amazing. I feel like it is a gift. He is a gift. I met him for some reason. GOD made me meet him for some reason. I feel like he is an answer to my prayers, and I just don't want him to leave. I do not at all. It is easier for me to type these things than it is for me to say them. This is my being honest with God. This is my outpouring of how bad I want this. I want to fall in love and be happy and have a pure love not based on sex. I want what he is giving me. I could say that I love this man, as a person. Not in love, the kind where you freak someone out by saying it, but the love that I have for my dearest friends. (and now I think I understand how he meant that we were friends; it just clicked). I love his soul, his personality, his warmth, his compassion. We cried together, and we held each other.

     I just want this to last, and I want this to be wonderful. The money doesn't matter to me. I want him around. I just pray so hard right now that this will work out as a compromise. Dear Lord, can he please stay and can he please get a job here? Please. Here in Georgia so that we can be all around happy. That would be the greatest thing ever. :) I love you and Amen.