Pouring.

    I was reading this Bible app that I have today, and the plan that I started reading really hit close to home. It read:

"Psalm 6:6

Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and He will help you turn your attention from yourself to Him and His mercy."

     This is just what I needed to read concerning my situation with my guy. I need to let God take control of the situation. I know that God will do what he will, and that it will turn out how it is supposed to. I feel like I really have met someone that is just amazing, and we have so much in common. I asked God today why this was happening, and in all honesty, I am mad. I am mad that after so long, something good finally comes along, and He is taking it away from me again. I know that I shouldn't be mad at God, or mad in general, but after so long and so many broken pieces of my heart, I just wish that it would work out. I PRAY that it will work out. Maybe I should be thinking of it in a matter of "well if he really liked me then he wouldn't leave to take a job somewhere so far away", but I can't be like that. Like myself, I do want the best for him, and if it's in Chicago, even though my heart would be broken, then so be it. I feel like it will happen, because I am going on Spring Break for a week, and he will be in another place during the same time, and it's like God is preparing me for letting go. I just want a wonderful love, and when my heart starts to fill with it again, to have it ripped from me AGAIN, I just don't know what would happen.

     I know that I am pretty solid individual, and I read somewhere that what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, but my heart can only take so much. He said to me today that the whole thing weighs heavy on his head/heart. I know he likes me, and I like him. It is the first time in a long time that I have felt that way. It is the first time in a long time that I have been able to stifle urges of mistrust. Most importantly, it is the first time that I have been really HAPPY in a long long long long long LONG time. I mean, truly happy.

     My friend who introduced me to the church that I visit when I have time, actually told me that she made a list of the perfect man that God could give her, and about 2 weeks later she met her now husband. I took her advice and made a list. This guy fits my list. It is the first time that I had ever shared that list with anyone, and he fits it. Perfectly. It is amazing. I feel like it is a gift. He is a gift. I met him for some reason. GOD made me meet him for some reason. I feel like he is an answer to my prayers, and I just don't want him to leave. I do not at all. It is easier for me to type these things than it is for me to say them. This is my being honest with God. This is my outpouring of how bad I want this. I want to fall in love and be happy and have a pure love not based on sex. I want what he is giving me. I could say that I love this man, as a person. Not in love, the kind where you freak someone out by saying it, but the love that I have for my dearest friends. (and now I think I understand how he meant that we were friends; it just clicked). I love his soul, his personality, his warmth, his compassion. We cried together, and we held each other.

     I just want this to last, and I want this to be wonderful. The money doesn't matter to me. I want him around. I just pray so hard right now that this will work out as a compromise. Dear Lord, can he please stay and can he please get a job here? Please. Here in Georgia so that we can be all around happy. That would be the greatest thing ever. :) I love you and Amen.