Separation

Not in the way that the title implies ;)

My sweet boyfriend has to go on a trip to learn about his new job, and I am going on probably one of the last "family" vacations I'll ever have before I have my own. He will be in (South Carolina, I think) and I will be in Florida. I miss him already. It will be 8 days before I see him again.

I showed him my last blog, since he was curious and he liked it. It's scary having someone read your thoughts, but it turned out for the best I think. I really, really love this man. I am probably the most annoying person to my friends, as he is to his, since we both ga-ga on Facebook all the time. I can't help it. I am happy and I deserve to be, and if I feel the need to share it, then goodness gracious I'm going to.

One thing that I need to work on is reading more. About God in particular. I'm going to bring my Women's Bible with me on vacation. Although I pray a lot to God, it would do me good to depend on him more and learn about him. I feel that Him gifting me with a love that I haven't ever know has "distracted" me from God. I don't mean that in a bad way at all! I just feel that God has given me this man to enjoy and to fall in love with, and just as I am taking this man in with every bit of my being, I need to pray more and thank God more and put more of my faith into Him. I think this "break" of not seeing my worldly Love will give me a balance of time that I can spend reading and growing in God. I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and even though sometimes I need to reassure myself, I know that nothing God does is an accident. We were meant to spend this week or so apart. Maybe myself to learn and grow closer to my family, and maybe for him to grow closer to his and get everything in line for himself. Either way, I will pray that I don't go insane. Even though I have faith in God, I am human, and my mind wanders towards insecurity at lightning speeds. Prayer does wonders, God works in mysterious ways, and he calms my mind and soul.

Tracking back, since my mind runs a million miles a minute and can't keep anything properly grouped together, after reading my blog, this is what Hipsterjack wrote back to me:

"That's the sweetest, most beautiful thing I've ever read :) I am so in love with you (insert full name here). God is looking out for us and I see good things in the future. You are my best friend now, and you mean the world to me, I mean that <3"

I really honestly don't remember having a love like this. The other night we just laid together and tangled up in each other and talked and laughed and took each other in. It was wonderful. He makes me feel like the most important person, and he told me tonight that it was because I was the most important person to him. He's a romantic; even if not in the conventional sense with the showering of gifts and grandeur displays of affection. He cares about how I feel, in all meanings of that definition and that can be the most romantic thing ever. We have both agreed that we are turning each other into romantic saps, but we both don't care. It's a wonderful feeling, and I hope it lasts a long time.

There's a line in a Nickel Creek song that says "Why should the fire die?/ my mom and dad, kept theirs alive". This line, however simple, really spoke to me. Why does the romance have to die? Why can't both people work to keep it? Or was it never there to begin with? I feel like hidden in these moments of young debt made up of college and car loans, and frugality of cheap dates lies a romance that has to be mustered up out of "want". When there isn't money to be spent, you just have each other, and you can either make the most of it or complain that you have no money and look forward to the "well, one day I'll have money and we can do this or that". We play scrabble and backgammon or hang out at his house and watch TV with his family, and I hear life stories from his parents while he plays guitar. We drink coffee and enjoy each others' stories and companies and tell each other little ditty's of love for each other that would be nauseating to anyone other than us. We walk around the mall, hand in hand, taking turns in each others' favorite stores and eat cheap food court food. Every once in awhile, we will splurge and see a movie, and melt together entwined in our seats. I love this simple love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He has my heart. So again, if we have this now, can I hope that it will stay? I pray it will.

I said it again: prayer. I live on prayer. I need prayer. I have conversational prayer with God, as if he is speaking back, and in my mind I feel that he is in his own way. I have heard of people physically hearing the voice of God. I have not, to my recollection, and I do not dismiss it as fact. But, I don't need a physical response to know that he is listening. When I pray, I feel safe. It's as if a blanket of calm envelopes me and I am physically and mentally rejuvenated. I've prayed to stop swearing, and I have been a lot better about it. I am a very thankful person to everyone, and I am trying to be more open about it (another lesson that I learned from my boyfriend). I figure things out when I pray. I voice a problem to God. I don't hold back. He knows when I am mad or depressed or upset or happy or in love, so why not vocalize these things to Him? I do, and when I am mad, for example, telling Him that I am mad eventually works itself out to where I am tired, and even though I am mad, maybe even at Him, that if I hold on and trust Him, it will all be okay. In my experiences, this is true. At my deepest, darkest times, I was never mad at God. I held out, even when I felt like giving up, and He made me a deeper, truer believer than I ever have been.

Which takes me back to my boyfriend. Oh, how I have waited for a love like this. I would cry and beg and pray to God for a date (even just a date!) with a nice man. I waited and waited, and God rewarded me with someone so special and precious to me, that I wouldn't change it for the world. I will never be the way I was a few years ago ever again. Never will I take anything good for granted. I am very blessed, and I owe everything in my life to God. God created situations for me, both easy and difficult, so that I may grow as a person. I know that my trials are not over; I have a long life to live if he sees fit, and I'm sure they will not all be walks in the park. But, I have learned SO much through these things. I have learned to place all of my faith in Him. When I feel sad or insecure or worry about things that I shouldn't, I immediately turn to God for solace and peace of mind and in a matter of minutes, I feel better. He has shown me to never take a love for granted, and if you love someone, you will work through things to make it. He has softened me emotionally, and made me more able to feel love and if I'm happy, heck, I cry about it! I don't play games anymore. I don't tempt "fate" and I don't try and get more than I deserve. God has made a real woman out of me; a good Christian woman, and to see the transformation in myself makes me feel wonderful.

This isn't to say that I'm not human. I'm VERY MUCH human, and I am very much full of faults. My faults, I have learned, to not beat myself up over. Mistakes happen, and they are only real mistakes if you don't learn from them. I am tempted everyday by things that may not seem like a fault to many.

I think one of the sweetest things that my boyfriend has ever said to me is that I am the sweetest love that he has ever known besides God. That makes me feel so special. I may be a sap, but tying in his religion to me means a lot to me. My faith is so huge to me, and I am trying to make it a much larger piece of my life and I would love for us to both grow in it. I think that when I move in to my house, I would like to go to church with my boyfriend and his family so we can grow together. It is a sense of closeness that means a lot to both of us.

On a side note: It's interesting to see our relationship unfold from the beginning. I do hope and pray that we will have many, many, many more stories and pages to fill together.

I've rambled too long. It's time to practice the ukulele and pray to my Savior :)