questions & such

     Is it weird to be put off by marriage talk even though I really want to be married?

     I know that it's because we have been talking about it for so long that I just feel like it's just a topic of conversation and not really ever going to happen. So, talking about it makes me sad and automatically get apathetic, where it should make my ovaries hurt and yearn for children and to be an old married couple. I think when I actually get engaged one day it will finally hit me. I'll get that fairytale wedding brain and butterflies in my stomach and see it happening. For now, it just makes me sad. How I yearn to have a husband share my bed with me every night and wake up to that same face every morning for the rest of my life. I see so many of my friends and family living this fantasy of mine and I feel so left behind and old. It's dumb and pointless of me to compare, I know. I don't even necessarily want The Day. The expensive, pretty, day where everything is supposed to go picture perfectly and families join as one. I want the aftermath. I just want the husband and the house. So do I stay apathetic and talk about it, or just pretend like it's not ever going to happen, which will in turn make the relationship pointless if I'm not thinking about marriage? This just seems like a never-ending cycle of sad.

encrypted elabortion on marriage questions/frustrations.

     Also, What is "happy" in a relationship? To me, all relationships need work and are not going to be butterflies and pony babies with kittens all the time. I understand that, and I have no problem with that, and that's pretty much reality.

(more encrypted text, but this time about happiness)

     I think I need to go to pre-pre-marriage counseling. Or hypothetical pre-marriage counseling. I need to make sure that whoever I marry is The One and I don't end up divorced. I need to be married for life. It is what I believe in, and what I was built for. I'm like a turtle dove. Or something.

 

     That song, Why Should the Fire Die by Nickel Creek makes me cry every time I hear it. It's just wonderful. The lines "Why should the fire die? My mom and dad kept theirs alive" makes me cry and makes me fast forward in my head and see myself with my husband in our 60's still so in love and working to make it wonderful after many years. I love it.

I have blogged two long blogs today.
I'm spent.