in the woods

I can't sleep normal hours anymore for some reason and it makes me sad! I was exhausted at 11 last night and slept until 3. So awful. It's like 4 hours is my cap, and then I'm exhausted all day! Meh.

Well, I had an escape this weekend to a little old cabin in the woods with my love. It was a perfect cabin surrounded by trees and nature and quiet and rain. I loved it! Everything was so much cooler up there, both literally and figuratively. It was like 60 degrees at night and 70 during the day, thunderstorms at night and no rain during the day, and a hot tub in the middle of the forest with the fireflies! It was wonderful.

We cooked a big breakfast with pancakes and maple sausage and hashbrown casserole and orange juice in fancy glasses and listened to jazz music and held hands. We caught up on sleep and watched Star Wars and my Nate when he was little and SO ADORBS. We ate pizza and ice cream and junk food and wrote in the guest book and laughed and and and it was wonderful!

We ventured out to look at antique stores the second day, but most places were closed on Mondays in that little old town :) The ones we did find open were more of a catch-all of homemade gifts, thrift stores, and had little to do with antiques. But we laughed at things and held hands and probably told each other hundreds of times that we love each other. It was fun!

We drove back and stopped at a mountain center and saw all of this real cool AT hiking stuff and it reaffirmed how bad I want to just quit life for 8 months or so and hike it. I'd be in real good shape by the end if I made it to Maine! It would be a real bonding experience for sure! With both Nate and nature :) Maybe after I graduate and before I have to pay back mountains of loans :)

The rest of the time I was perpetually tired. We grabbed sandwiches, went thrifting for a VCR for Nate, and then I had to get my brakes fixed because it sounded like I was dragging the Tin Man behind my car when I drove. At the time I was irritated that I had to spend 2 hours in the repair shop and 150 dollars on brakes, but looking back, Nathan and I talked a lot about a lot of things. At the time they seemed like just regular old conversations, about everything and nothing. But really, it makes me realize how lucky I am to know and be with my best friend. He knows me inside and out. He calms me down when I get heated, he knows my heart, we both are on the same page. We talked about getting married and all that goes with that, along with fibromyalgia, somatiform disorder, autism, wheat (apparently people think it's evil), etc. Just everything.

The thought of marriage is scary. I used to be so ready for it, and now that I feel it is approaching soon (I don't know when, but I know he's the one), it's so scary. I've been burned a few times, and had my share of serious heartbreak, more than the average young lady, and it's compounded into a big ball of good/worry/panic. I never want to lose Nathan. He is my rock and my best friend and I am absolutely in love with him. The thought of something happening to him is something so overwhelming that I can't even describe beyond that. Yet, the thought of being bound forever to one person and trusting them with your being is so scary! I know marriage is hard, and that's scary too. Also coming from a household of divorce is looming over my head as I do not ever want that! I know that I'm just terrified of hurt, and I'm going to have to get over that. I know God has placed me with the best man for me, and I have to trust that. But there's that word again... TRUST. Trusting is hard to do when you have a panic attack when things are out of your control, ex: nursing school. I'm still suffering from PTSD after last semester!

I want to be his wife, and although I'm scared, I'm not unsure. I know he's a wonderful man, and while not perfect human beings (since there is no such thing), we are perfect for each other. I am just going to have to seriously work on letting go of my worry and past and stress. Easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere!

Man, this weekend was full of revelations.

Also, I have known Nate for a year and 3 months today. I love him so!