Thanksgiving 2024

 What a year it’s been. We hosted this year since I have to work Christmas - those healthcare jobs can be hard in that way. We had turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, baked brie, and grandma’s clam dip that she’s made for years and years. It’s so good! Nathan’s Dad came up and his brother Nicholas came over as well as Grandma and Grandpa Chris and Kenny. The boys had a great time. Benjamin is 10 - we told him Santa wasn’t real this year and it broke both Nathan’s and my heart to have to tell him. There’s a part of childhood innocence that breaks apart that day that you find out. A little bit of the magic goes away. He took it like a champ, but he said “I didn’t know” and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I guess we were too good at disguising it :( He did promise that he wouldn’t tell the other boys yet and that he wanted to help with the Christmas magic this year - so we will let him help. He’s such a sweetheart. So musically influenced and intelligent. He’s able to pick so many things up by ear. He’s always playing music like his dad. Ethan is 7 - will be 8 in January - and he and Benjamin both have grown over an inch this year. It’s crazy how fast time is flying now. Ethan has such a heart for art and is just the biggest softy. I think he’s going to be our artsy one. He’s very emotionally connected as well. We talked about how Benjamin may need his tonsils out in January and Ethan got a emotional, worrying about his brother. I’m not going to lie - although I work in healthcare and know it’s a routine procedure - I worry. I may postpone it a bit - I personally think it’s more allergies than that and that seems like just a quick fix. We will see. And Charlie - what a mess haha. He’s such a smart butt and so sarcastic and goofy but he is such a sweetheart when he wants to be. He still carries his lizards everywhere with him. It’ll make me sad the day he drops them for good. We actually lost one and then one day Nathan found it in the woods like he was just sat there - not a stain or spot on him. Charlie was elated. He’s not left his side since. Almost done with Christmas - Nathan and I are working on NOT getting each other anything this year because it’s just too expensive to even exist. I don’t know how I got signed up for this trials and tribulations package but I don’t recall signing up for that at all… phew. Donald Trump won the presidency this year - hoping our economy will bounce back but who knows. Still working at a hospital as a case manager - going back to weekends because it’s easier doing 3 12 hour shifts than 4 10 hour shifts. I don’t know what I want to do. I miss the clinical stuff a lot but the stress… my anxiety has been pretty rough lately. Not panic attack bad and I’ve been able to mitigate it with some meds but mostly I go for a long walk and I talk with Nathan and he holds me and then I do better. Sometimes it gets to be overwhelming and I let out a good cry but mostly I can control it. I have to work today 6-6:30 at the hospital but I woke up at 3 because I can’t sleep and there’s no point in me trying to sleep for an hour before going in so I’m writing. November 25 has been 9 years since my dad passed away. It feels so unreal saying that. I miss him so much. My kids sometimes cry because they didn’t get to meet him - and that’s hard. I wish he could have met them here on Earth. He would have been a great grandpa I think. Mom is good and still working at Lowe’s in Florida. Kenny is still working at the restaurant although his roommate got married so he is looking for an apartment. We are still here doing our thing. Nathan has been able to stay at home although he might be having to get a part time job to help financially. But that makes me feel guilty as I have been able to “make it” for this long, but the economy is so bad right now. We are feeling it in every which way. I’m sure that is what is giving me the most stress right now is work and needing to work more but not wanting to because it stresses me out. It’s just hard. Praying for better times ahead for sure. Nathan and I are great - life has been busy, but my favorite place is nuzzled in his chest at night. It’s the best thing and calms me so much. I love him so so much. I can’t bear to think about doing this life without him - he is still one of the biggest blessings that the Lord has given me. He is truly a partner and I love him so so much. I’m not sure what else to say. Usually I have a stream of consciousness and I just don’t right now. I’m just tired and old 😂 I’ll get back on soon hopefully. This used to be very cathartic to me and I’m trying to get back to things that are good for my mental health. My skin and stomach have been better since doing the kidney supplements however it is wintertime so my eczema spots are flaring. But the thanksgiving week has also thrown off my diet since I’m not skipping carbs! But back to meat this week I think. Oh well, that’s all for now - I’ll check back in sooner or later. 

June

 Hubs and I have a cough that has been driving us up the wall for 4 days now and it’s making my anxiety creep up and up and up… I can feel this rattling in my chest that won’t go away which makes me bonkers. I will probably have to go to urgent care if it doesn’t get better. Last time I left it alone, I got pneumonia, but I was also coming off of Skyrizi. I’m sure I have an underlying asthma that isn’t helping either. Anyway, I know I sound like a hypochondriac. I am down 17 lbs from my last entry (211), so trying to creep on down and feel better. My goal is health. Of course looking better would be great, but I would like to lose some weight and get these asthma symptoms better under control as well. Work in progress. 

I am honestly writing because my anxiety is through the roof and my hubs is at the store with the kids and I need something to bide my time until they get back. I should probably write more. I just get in these slumps where I don’t know what to do and feel too anxious to write but too anxious to sleep so I just get even more anxious. I slept maybe an hour last night. I start my new job tomorrow so I am praying I get some sleep tonight. Nathan and I both have been struggling with sleep with this cough we both have. I am praying and hopeful for recovery quickly. 

We went to Clearwater the last day of school and had a great time, although Nathan vagal’d out and scared the ever living shit out of me. He’s fine, but it scared us all at the time. We went on a dolphin tour, swam at the calmest Gulf side beach, went for ice cream, went to the Aquarium where they filmed Dolphin Tale (haven’t seen it), cuddled close, and the boys watched lots of SpongeBob. We also hit a Bucees on the way back which was great! I got some obligatory keychains for my travel keychain collection. 

So far in the 2 weeks into Summer we had our big trip and have been to our neighborhood pool a few times and been on some family walks. We will likely do another Braves game soon. We watched the Back to the Future trilogy with the boys and got them a slip n slide which was an instant hit. We are trying to really enjoy the summers we have with them while they are young. Ethan lost 2 teeth in the same week 😳 Charlie will start kindergarten in August and Benjamin will be in 4th grade. It’s going by so insanely fast and I don’t like it. I just want to hit pause a little while. 

April 2024

 Just checking in. Every once in a while I think “I need to get all this down so I can remember the details” and I have a night of insomnia and I can. 

We just got back from Colorado for our belated 10 year wedding anniversary trip - we actually hit that mark September 22, 2023. It was incredible. We stayed in Boulder at a hotel that wasn’t the best overall, but the beds were comfy so we always slept well. I did have a breakdown the first day because it was kind of brown and wintery out and I felt bad that Nathan wasn’t going to see Colorado’s beauty - but I was so wrong. The second day we went to Georgetown, a little old mining town and got the kids an antler whistle necklace and drove up some windy roads to see snow and beautiful birch trees. We ended up driving to Loveland pass and took some video of the skiers there. We stopped off at a pass where we heard a rattle snack but didn’t see it, but it overlooked a giant frozen lake. We went into Breckenridge and ate at a Rita’s (tacos) and wanted to take the gondola to peak 8 but I was feeling sick (probably mild altitude sickness) and we headed back down. We need to do it next time we go though! We got some canned oxygen and inhaled the heck out of that heading back down the mountain. We hit Red Rocks amphitheater but couldn’t go inside because there was a concert going on, but we got to see the amazing scenery and the rocks nonetheless.

The next day we went to Garden of the Gods and Nathan and I got to climb some rocks and take some photos. Truly an incredible sight. We did go to the Manitou Cliff Dwellings museum where Adobo Indians built their homes into the side of a mountain. Very cool.  We finished the day by going into Colorado Springs and eating at a really great BBQ restaurant (banana pudding for desert!) before heading back to our home base in Denver. 

Third day was super cold and we ate in Denver at Atomic Cowboy - a really great biscuit place. We drove around the city of Denver for a bit before hitting the Eddie Bauer outlet and getting some better sweaters for me (it was freezing) and I’m so glad we did because we went to a Rockies game that night at the Mile High Stadium (Coors Field) and sat 3 rows behind the Rockies dugout - I had never been that close before! We had to leave during the 6th inning because the wind chill was so bad my legs went numb and Nathan’s hands were freezing. They lost to the Tampa Bay Rays, but it was a fun experience nevertheless. Ate a hot dog and hot chocolate and got the boys a bunch of souvenirs (mini bat, their stuffed mascot Dinger - a triceratops, and a Rockies pencil - Nathan got a nice purple ball cap and I got a keychain). We drove to the hotel and had winds shearing at us the whole way there. You could truly hear the winds howling and whistling. The gusts that night hit 60 mph in Denver - almost 110 in Rocky Mountain National Park as we had heard the next day. 

The fourth day we went to Rocky Mountain National Park. It was a beautiful drive even if it was windy. Windy is actually an understatement - a lot of traffic lights were out and we saw some snapped power line poles on the way up. We drove through Estes Park but really didn’t have a chance to explore too much (next time!) and headed straight to the gas station for some beef jerky and Gatorades. We went into the park and one of the roads was closed, but we saw a LOT. It was stunning. I was almost in tears at times looking at the mountains and surroundings. We saw countless deer (which are fuzzy up in those mountains), a few elk, a fox - no bears or moose though :( We saw the most beautiful landscapes - a lot of the rivers were still frozen or partially so. We ate at a restaurant right outside the park and got directions to go the scenic route back to the hotel. We were so exhausted by the end of this day that we crashed pretty early after eating. 

The last day we hit the giant REI in Denver before flying home first class! Our first time - we took advantage of the free drinks and food for sure, but it was a great flight!

Some things we underestimated - how dry the air is, how much water you need to drink with electrolytes, and how thin the air is. We were okay in Denver, but those higher elevations like in Breckenridge, we could really feel it. We were constantly drinking water and were still dehydrated. It was crazy! I have no complaints other than the hotel… no ventilation in the bathroom, the staff wasn’t great. Etc. But it was a magical trip for us and we want to take the kids out there sometime! 

In other news, Nathan turned 37 on the way back to GA, which also coincided with the eclipse - we were glad there was not an end of the world scenario that day ;)

Updates on family:

Benjamin is in 3rd grade, playing violin and piano (at home) and he is very good at it. He definitely has an ear for music. He likes piano more than the violin at this point so we are trying to encourage him to follow what he wants to study - although he has to finish the year with violin since he’s in the orchestra at school. He loves documentaries and old shows like Tin Tin and Andy Griffith. He is our reader - he loves to read. He is still so innocent and such a sweetheart. His ears haven’t been giving him trouble and his health is great. Benjamin gives me random hugs and tells us he loves us all the time - it’s so nice and I pray he never changes and stays an inquisitive, kind person. He is up to my shoulders now. So insane how my babies are growing like literal weeds. 

Ethan is in first grade and doing so well. He still has a temper when pushed to his limit, so we are working on how to de-escalate his emotions in those situations and he is doing great. He is our artist. He is always drawing and painting and coloring and writing notes and giving little homemade gifts to Nathan and I. It’s precious. Ethan has the most sensitive heart - and is just so sweet and mushy. He has lost some teeth and is about to lose another front tooth! He’s still growing too! Not quite as big as Benjamin, but he is getting there. He is so active loves to constantly swing outside or run or “work out” on the monkey bars. He’s built like a lean machine! 

Charlie is 4 and will be 5 next month - so he starts kindergarten this year! He can read better than his brothers sometimes. We have finally conquered pooping in the toilet consistently (and not in his pants out of distraction) and he’s excited for school too! He’s my most stubborn, and he likes to tease his brothers - but he is so stinking smart. He has 2 stuffed lizards (Mr Jones and Fireball) that are exactly the same, just one is older than the other, and he takes them everywhere with him. He loves dinosaurs and size comparison videos on YouTube. He is sweet when he wants to be - but he is still pushing those boundaries of what he can do and what he can’t. I do remember Ethan being a little bit like that, and he has come out of it just fine. He’s so smart and keeps us laughing all the time.

Nathan is going to get a part time job in August when all the kids are in school and the house is empty. He’s been making sourdough and working on some woodworking/leather things as he can. He’s still so handsome and caring and loving to us all. He’s the best father and homemaker. He thrives in those roles even when it may be tough. I still roll over in bed every night and kiss his back and thank the Lord that I have him. He’s a blessing to me and our family and I feel closer to him now than ever and I pray it continues to grow as the years go by. It’s crazy that we have been a couple for 13 years this year and married 10. What a wild ride!

As for me, oof. I will be 38 this year. My weight is back up at at my worst in a while (228) so I am working to lose some for my health. I was on Skyrizi since last January with my “psoriasis”/weirdo immune response  that no one can really give me a good diagnosis for, and had to stop in November because I have been sick once or twice a month to the point I needed inhalers, tons of antibiotics, had pneumonia twice… it just knocks out your immune system completely - so I am trying to taper off of it. I had some intermittent itching but I have been taking a beef kidney supplement that has surprisingly helped quite a bit and I take a ton of supplements. I just pray the immune response/psoriasis doesn’t come back. If it does, I will likely have to go back on the Skyrizi which means more infections which I would rather not have. Also why I am trying to lose weight - to minimize my health problems. I was having so many steroids, and stress related binge eating episodes that this is where I’m at now, and I’m not excited about it. I need to lose it again and I will!!! I need to. I am trying to grow spiritually and as a parent and as a mom and wife. I don’t like my leadership at my job anymore, so I have been looking. I had an interview at a hospital Tuesday and they offered me a job! But I am waiting to see what compensation will be - I am praying I can leave this job I am in now. I have been there for 9 years this year, and it’s time. I may see if I can stay on PRN there, but I have been praying for a door and a way out for awhile and this job seems to fit. For posterity- I work Thursday - Sunday every week, 8 hours on Thursday and Friday and 12’s on the weekend. Not ideal, but it pays well. The new job would be 3 12 hour days, including Sat/Sun - but would have the opportunity to transfer to weekdays once I have been there 90 days and a position opens, and the workload sounds better. We will see, but since my only other option is to literally stay where I am until November (I have a “written warning” from attendance from all of my sick episodes and finally got approved for FMLA) I think this option sounds great. I am getting back on birth control because I feel like being off of it makes my hormones flip around worse and I’m having on and off UC flares which I haven’t had in awhile. It sucks having autoimmune disease and having to try and manage it in the most natural way possible. I am trying so many different things. Prayer is my biggest help so and support as is my husband! 

Grandma and Chris are well and we are going to see them next week! We have all been sick on and off so we haven’t been able to see each other. Lisa is good, and she and Charlie just watched the kids together while we were in CO. We don’t know where their relationship is or where it is headed, but I’m sure they’ll let us know if they get back together, even if we are all hesitant about that idea. Kenny is good, still working at the restaurant and living with a roommate and his dog Luna. Samuel is finishing up a travel CT tech stint in North Dakota before going to Pensacola for flight school. As per the usual, Nicholas is following Samuel and also trying to get into flight school. Matthew just lost his job unfortunately and is looking for a new one. Mom is in Florida and doing okay I guess. It’s sad but since Christmas we haven’t really talked so much. I feel like she is just in a very different place in her life than me regarding family etc. we offered her a place to live rent free here in our home, but she declined over and over saying she has cats and doesn’t want to leave the beach (even though she never visits the beach). We had a rough time this Christmas - something kind of changed. I don’t know how to describe it, but seeing how my kids seemed to annoy her and take her attention away from her phone… it made me mad and kind of resigned myself to the fact that we will likely never have an interactive grandmother from her, and that’s just how it will be. It’s crazy to me to chose cats over your child and grandchildren, but that’s how we are different I guess. I had an interesting conversation with my Grandma about family and she mentioned my mom was always pretty much leaving towards Kenny for favoritism, which is apparent still, and that’s okay. I pretty much lived my life that way, but I am appreciative for the love I get from my family and my grandmother and Lisa. My heart just yearns for a closer relationship that will probably never happen. I am not a bars and party person anymore, and my mom is at 65. Just crazy that some people outgrow adolescence and some don’t. It is what it is and it’s her choices to make, so I don’t harbor ill will, it’s just kind of a grieving process. I should probably pray more about it, but I’ve been a little bitter - that needs to change. 

Anyway, maybe I will get another 6 month update in when I can. Or maybe sooner. I may try to take a little nap before I have to get up for work. My hubs is here sleeping next to me, so I don’t want to wake him up. 

37 for posterity

 Benjamin - you are 9. You are amazing. Truly kind, respectful, so sweet, and caring. You say “I love you mama” and give me a hug unprompted. You have the thickest head of hair in the family! You are brilliant and still so childlike. You love paw patrol and innocent things. You are so logical, but love magic tricks and jokes. You are so smart and love to read. You have grown an inch in 6 months says our wall measuring stick. You have lost teeth, and still believe in the tooth fairy and Santa. We love your sweet innocence. You are learning violin, and “plick pluck” for me songs from your song book. You love rainbows and putting the colors in order. You love Soongebob. We went bowling for your birthday this year and you were so good! You have learned so many facts about everything, you teach me things everyday. 

Ethan - you are 6. You are the best artist I have ever seen in a child and you are going to be a great artist someday. You have so much energy and are just the same lean muscular kid you’ve always been. You have the sweetest dimple, and you say “I love you maman” - I pray you never stop calling me that. You are so emotionally attuned and so responsible. You act like the parent in the room with the other boys. You make your own cereal bowls with milk and get your own juice. You have changed Charlie’s diaper unasked. You are so kind and wise beyond your years, but still a curious little boy who can be rambunctious. You are sensitive and imaginative. You are an artist - I see it. My sweet left handed little artist. 

Charlie: you are 4. You read better than the other 2 boys and haven’t spent a second in a classroom. You are the classic example of too smart for your own good. You are strong, smart, defiant, curious, and a little devious when you need to be. You are still pooping your pants (have to note this for posterity). You love your Hobby Lobby lizard Mr. Jones. You have the cutest smile with the tiniest teeth. You have a scar on your right side of your mouth where you slipped and your teeth went into your lip last year. You love to eat tacos and rice and pizza, from the top down. You are fearless. You pick up spiders and bugs without hesitation despite us screaming for you not to. You antagonize your brothers, but then run over and hug them in the same breath. You love the nightmare before Christmas. You are scared of the dark and love your little paw patrol night light. You know all the dinosaurs. You have a temper, but maman can easily calm you down with a back scratch and affirmations. You still cuddle with me. You like for us to call you a “big kid” instead of “big boy” - apparently kid is higher than boy in the growing chart. You run around in your light up shoes and it makes me smile to see you smile. I love how you say “I love you”. I love your sweet smooth face when you come to sit in my lap. I love your questions that are never ending. You are so stinking smart and I can’t wait to see where you bloom.

Nathan - you are 36. I am 37. We celebrated 10 years of marriage this year. We are going to celebrate in April (hopefully) in Colorado for a few days. You bake amazing sourdough bread. You keep the house immaculate. You cook us homemade meals. You are God’s gift to this family. You are patient with Benjamin when he needs to practice violin. You are patient with Ethan and his 500 million questions. You are resilient for dealing with Charlie’s defiance daily. You are the best partner I could ever ask for. I can’t wait to grow older with you, even though it scares us to get older. We cry about how we miss the kids being little. And how we are trying to just make it day to day, yet savor and relish the moments that matter. Kids are hard. But so worth it. When I sit here in the middle of the night thinking about them, I cry. Happy tears. Time slow down tears. God gave me perfect children and I intend to grow them into God following men. I know they won’t be perfect, but we are a good team to help grow a dynasty. We live on Finley Drive. I don’t know if we will be here next year. We want a home with acreage and a ranch. A real forever home. You have created such a beauty in this home. I love you. Nathan you are a treasure. 

Christa - you are 37. Getting back on track in self care. Trying to lose weight. 203 lbs. that’s rough. But I was 238. So that’s a plus. I am a case manager right now. It’s okay. I just miss my 4 days off a week. I miss my kids. I miss them so much it hurts. More so now than ever before. I just see them growing before my eyes and it makes me realize how precious these years are. It may seem like forever to them, but holy cow these days go by fast. I am tired of being stuck in the rat race. I am trying to find something that better works with my work life balance. It’s hard. It’s all hard. Kenny is still at Brookwood. Grandma and Chris are well. Mom is good and still living with Dell in FL. Nathan’s dad has had the longest stint at sobriety ever in his life and our kids love their Poppy. Mimi is good, working part time. I am trying to remember to jot these things down. Life is really fast. 

Rock Bottom? Not yet…

 I didn’t look to see when the last time I posted. I imagine some time last year.

It’s been rough. Not going to lie. 

Since I had my hives/stress breakout last July, it’s evolved into full body erythrodermic psoriasis. But it’s only since November since we figured out it was psoriasis that was slowly taking over my body, and only within the last month or so have we landed on the specific diagnosis of erythrodermic psoriasis. 

It’s caused ER visits due to insane itching to where I was making myself bleed (I have scars now on my hip…), shock from fluid shifts that cause my heart rate to fly into the 160’s and wouldn’t come down without steroids and fluids. 

I got started on Skyrizi. I have my second shot Monday. 

I am also doing a protocol to get rid of the COVID protein spike? So, my psoriasis rash is starting to get “better” but I don’t know what it’s due to. So I’m going to finish both treatments and see.

Haven’t been able to work consistently in months. 

It’s hard.

I feel like a burden.

Nathan tells me I’m not, but our whole house is stressed right now.

I’m trying to find another job that would allow me to not do patient care. Praying for that. 

I do know that God has a plan for me. I don’t know what it is, but He has one. I’m just praying it becomes apparent soon. 

Kids are sweet. 

Right now we are all sick with some kind of flu-like thing. Coughing and snot and body aches. I was spiking a temp so that’s why I’m awake. Went down to take some Tylenol and was real disoriented. I knew I had a fever. 100 ish. Not crazy but enough to mess me up apparently. 

Poor Ethan threw up last night :( Benjamin came in to tell us like the sweet big brother that he is. 

Charlie keeps me guessing! That stinking 3 year old was reading road signs the other day! So smart. He is too smart for his own good I think. 

Nathan and I just celebrated our 13th Valentine’s Day together! It’s our 10 year anniversary this year too, so I’m praying for complete healing, a steady career to fit my new normal, and for a way for us to celebrate. 

I really want to see a therapist. I had a counselor who was great; but I think I need to see a psychiatrist to help me dig deep and figure out why I have such horrendous anxiety. 

The thought of being alone and without Nathan is terrifying to me. This all started after that mess in the summer. I’m sure it has to do with PTSD and me wanting someone around because all of these events happen without warning. But I need to talk to someone. I used to be a very confident, independent woman. Now I don’t go anywhere unless it’s with Nathan and the kids. It’s bizarre. 

I’m sweaty, fever is breaking. I am going to try to sleep.

Pray pray pray.

Panic attack

 I’m trying to document real time so I can remember my symptoms. Facial and hand numbness, difficult to get a full deep breath, tremors, panic. I just took .5 of the last Ativan that I have left. 

I hope I’m not having a stroke. 

I’m hesitant to go to the ER because it’s like basically I KNOW it’s anxiety, but I hate this. It feels like such a setback in an otherwise “right track” progression. 

I am starting to feel “normal” - interested in nature, my children, etc. As sad as that is, it’s progress and I was so happy. 

Nathan thinks it’s because I had 2 cups of coffee on an empty stomach. This is probably true. 

But if I am telling myself these things and I do truly believe them, then why is my body reacting physically like it is. Absolute panic. It’s awful. 

How can I function like this?

All we did was go to Hobby Lobby and I had a breakdown. Like immediately had to leave. 

The kids were amazing, Nathan was good, it’s a beautiful day… who knows. 

Prayers needed. 

Antidepressants

 It’s been 2 weeks since my increase in Zoloft and I’m feeling more like myself. I’m not nearly where I was, but it’ll take time. 

I’m still praying and asking God what I am supposed to do. I know it’s such a broad question. But He knows!

I feel kind of lost. I don’t know what I want to do as a nurse. Or do I even want to be a nurse? I do… I think. I truly enjoy that feeling of making someone’s day. 

I’m really interested in psychology, more like therapy. I’d love to get involved in that somehow. I feel like I can be really therapeutic when I’m in my element! Haha. 

I’m just going to keep praying and asking for guidance.

Tension Headaches

 … I’m awake again in the middle of the night, after only going to bed 3 hours ago. I’m a mess.

I’m trying to fast again. It’s difficult to start when I’ve been eating like trash to cope with my issues. I’m ready to not eat when I’m emotionally needing something subconsciously.

I’m getting closer to the idea of going back to work. We will see. 

My head is killing me. Tension headaches. If I could NOT clench my teeth every 5 seconds that would be great. 

Anyway, I don’t have much to say. My sleep schedule is thrown so I’m out of touch with a lot. 

36

I am 36.

I spent my 36th birthday coming back from Jekyll Island from a wedding weekend. Nathan’s cousin got married at a 1 million dollar swanky event, so we had to go! After much work and bribing, we got Shaun and Bonnie to watch the boys for the weekend so we could enjoy it!

I can say that I did truly enjoy myself. I wasn’t comparing myself to other women, I got to dance with my husband, meet a ton of his family, eat good food, stay at a beachfront hotel, and walked along the beach one morning. It was a packed weekend because of all the wedding festivities and I’m exhausted but it was so fun.

This Thursday will be 2 weeks since increasing my meds and I think they’re working. I haven’t returned to work yet. My therapist wants me to stay out until October, but I don’t know if we can fiscally swing that. I have already had to ask my grandma for money which is incredibly humbling and simultaneously also humiliating. I’ve never had to ask for help financially since starting my career as a nurse. I’m prideful of that. 

This whole mental breakdown and reflection has been a lesson in humility, the kindness of others, and my faith in God. It’s hard. It’s hard to give up control when you’ve had to run a household and also 24 patients’ overall care. I’ve always had a “if you want it done right, you do it yourself” attitude - so it’s hard for me to sit and let God guide me. It’s very hard. 

As someone who doesn’t necessarily like to be alone with their thoughts for the most part (because it causes rumination and anxiety) sitting and waiting can be a nightmare. I pray and pray for help or an answer - and I’ve learned to also pray for patience. 

Not my strong suit. If I want something done, I want it done as fast as possible. This doesn’t happen most of the time with God’s timing. His timeline ain’t like ours (or so I’m told) so that’s where the faith and the patience comes in. 

I’m working on it. It’s a work in progress for sure. 

Nathan and I talked the whole way home, about 6 hours, about family, childhood, trauma, counseling, understanding each other and family better, and what we want for our family legacy. It was incredible. We hardly ever get to really have uninterrupted conversation anymore, and we learned a lot about each other I think. 

I am still struggling sleep-wise. 

I seem to get a nap of 2-3 hours in and then my body wants to wake up. Clearly some unresolved issues there. But I haven’t been taking my Atarax, as I am only trying to take the Zoloft. But I do know that if I need it, I need it. 

I was thinking about going down to see mom for a couple of days, but I don’t want to go alone. With children in school, it’s impossible to get anyone to watch them, which is totally understandable. That’s a lot. 

Kenny can’t go because his dog Luna just got bit by a copperhead and the vet bill ran him $2100. So he’s got to stay home and watch her and pick up extra shifts to pay off that, I’m sure. 

I don’t have any friends that I would be comfortable going on a soul searching trip with. 

I’d love to go to Jekyll again, but I don’t want to travel that far alone. I need the sun and the beach. It was very peaceful down there. 

Nathan and I were talking about how as we are getting older, we like the heat more, and could see ourselves really moving somewhere closer to the beach. Who knows. Life is too crazy right now to even think about it.

I’m going to try and maybe journal at night and see if it helps dump my brain before I sleep and maybe then I will be able to get a full night’s sleep and stop having these random naps. 

Work is looming over my head. Although I say that and I don’t physically feel any stress response - BUT - I know that my brain is smarter than me telling myself that I have to go back. I don’t know that I will have that panicked physiological response until I actually am scheduled to go back. I don’t know that I will be perfectly fine? I hope so. 

I do know that I will stay PRN when I return just to test the waters and probably nights at first because it’s SO much less busy at night. Plus it’s more money and I’m up all night basically right now anyway. 

Anyway. That’s my brain dump.

Insomnia

Well, the melatonin trick lasted approximately 2 whole nights. I went to bed around midnight, woke up around 4:30. 

At least I’m journaling.

And watching Hallmark movies.

I really wish I could sleep through the night.

But mentally, I feel better and better everyday. 

Yesterday we got out to Pike as a family so Nathan could get a bush. Surprisingly, the kids were really good for the most part. 

I have a wedding this weekend. 

I’m worried about it because Nathan looks so handsome and I have gained entirely too much weight. But I refuse to let those thoughts steal my joy.

I have 2 days without the kiddos and just my husband. I am praying for a wonderful weekend.

Working on Me

 It’s my second intentional journaling day. 

I woke up feeling surprisingly “good” - which I know is a relative term - but “good” for me feels like this:

- I can get out of bed and brush my teeth

- I can leave the house with my family for a short period of time before my nerves and the kids start to act up

- I can be patient with the kids

Not a crazy list right?

But let’s talk about depression and what that looks like for me. Most people think depression is sitting in a dark room alone. This isn’t true for most people with depression. We are out among you, faking our way through the day. 

This is what my depression looks like, on a “good” day like today:

- I got out of bed and brushed my teeth, but I didn’t change my clothes that I went to bed in, and I didn’t shower, and I didn’t make my bed.

- I left the house for a quick plant shopping run with the family, but I count down until bedtime so I can be alone. I struggle with this one a lot. My love for my children, but my need for solitude to collect my thoughts. It’s crushing.

- I can be patient with the kids, but when it gets too much, I have to isolate before I blow. See above.

- I binge eat a lot. Snacking is my go-to stress reliever. If I’m panic-attack level stressed, then I don’t eat at all. It swings both ways, but I’ve been in the binge eating stage lately and ballooned in weight. I’m being kind to myself despite this.

- My sleep cycle is so out of wack. I sleep basically in 3-4 hour increments. I experimented by adding melatonin at night, and it seemed to help a lot. Hoping it will get me more regular.

- I become a hypochondriac. Everything hurts, and could only be the worst possible diagnosis. As a nurse, I KNOW that this is irrational, but my body’s response is that of sheer panic.

- I start to get really self-conscious about my worth

- Everything can feel hazy, a little bit “not real”, like nothing really matters

- I will clarify that I have luckily and very thankfully never been suicidal or ever had a plan. (But if you do, please seek help. Your life is worth even more than you know)

Just being real. I have lost who I am as a person. Just over time. There was never really a huge shift, it just happened. 

I’m trying to find her again.

But today, being a “good” day depression-wise, things looked a lot less hazy, and a lot more clear. I actually giggled and felt a flash of a second of excitement and said “I feel good today!” - Nathan was happy.

But I’m a flash the excitement was gone, and back to the baseline. But I didn’t feel as fatigued while out, and I had more patience with the kids, which is telling me my new meds are helping. 

Depression is debilitating. Anxiety is debilitating. Both together is a war.

It is so easy to stay in bed.

It’s easy to have someone bring you food, so you never have to leave your room.

It’s easy to sleep all day.

It’s easy to isolate.

It’s easy to find a temporary release in food, sex, or another vice.

It’s H A R D to get up a put on a happy face and function.

It’s a struggle to cook food. I am still struggling with this. The motivation isn’t there.

It’s hard to maintain a normal sleep schedule so you can function with your family and society.

It takes EVERYTHING in my body to be around a group of people. I get so drained from interacting all day. It doesn’t mean I hate it, but I can’t do it all the time.

It is soul-crushingly hard to resist your vices when you are struggling and depressed. When depressed it feels like you’re in a constant need for your vices to feel SOMETHING. It can lead down a very unhealthy path, physical and emotionally. 

But I fail. I fail daily at functioning like a human who is emotionally and mentally whole.

My Grandmother told me that when she was about 30, she asked the Lord to enter her heart, and she said ever since then she had no anxiety or worry. And she’s truly right. I have never seen my Grandmother worry, even when my Dad passed. She trusted God. She still does.

I am jealous of people who can wake up and start their day and just function. Just be able to wake up refreshed and be out the door before noon. 

I am a a Christian, and I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior, but maybe I’m doing it wrong?

I am trying to attend church more, and get more involved. But right now recovering from burnout, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to even take on something new right now.

I am afraid of judgement, which I know is so silly at 35. But I am. 

Just a random rambling.

I hope to meet with my counselor this week and hopefully have an update.

Times, they are a’changin’

 It’s been a long time since I have journaled. 

To be honest, the only reason that I am back is because I had a nervous breakdown and my therapist says one of my goals is to journal. 

I don’t know why I quit.

Actually I DO. Life. 

Life update: 

Russia invaded Ukraine, China is talking about invading Taiwan, and the US is at a 40 year inflation high. COVID 19 wrecked havoc on the US healthcare system causing millions to die and contributed to tons of burnout (mine included). Also during this time Ethan flooded the house that we just moved into causing 30k in water damage and 6 weeks rental hopping with 3 children. I transferred from med-surg to cath lab, back to med-surg, to an educator, back to med-surg as a manager, and recently stepped down to take a prn position.  It’s a great time to be alive, folks… (so much sarcasm)

Nathan is a fully stay at home dad, which is amazing for us, but also hard on me being the sole financial provider. But it is still the life we want! 

The kids started school last week: Benjamin in 2nd and Ethan started kindergarten. So now we just have Charlie home during the day, which is a nice adjustment.

I stepped down from a short lived manager position. I realized very quickly that the higher you climb the ladder, the more drama comes with it. Which leads me into the nervous breakdown.

I asked for help for months (read: BEGGED) from work and gave ideas and suggestions about how to lighten the workload. I was met with silence. I resigned and went prn in an emotional breakdown moment. About 2 weeks after that, I broke out in hives, requiring a visit to the urgent care. I received epinephrine (once IM and once IV!!!! Even though I questioned this as a nurse, the physician assured me it was okay - I learned later it is NOT okay.) which then bought me a trip to the ER and overnight observation. I developed PTSD and compounded with work stress, I had 3 panic attacks that resulted in ED visits. I have been working with my PCP who is amazing, on some meds and therapy. 

We don’t really know what caused the hives, but aside from a random mini breakdown a week later, I have been hive-free. So we all think it’s related to stress.

Hence the journaling. 

Life got too busy I guess. I also think I fell so hard into depression due to work burnout that I didn’t know where to find joy in my life. 

Journaling and writing helps. Walking helps. 

I’m still trying to find what brings me joy. 

At 35 (soon to be 36!) as a wife, mother to 3 beautiful boys, and nurse, I have lost who I am as an individual. I just feel so routine right now and that I’m just here to make money and provide. Which is fine, I am here to do that, but I have lost the individual and the joy in my role. So I am trying to find that. 

I can happily say that after 2 weeks of an increased dose of some antidepressants, I feel a little bit more like myself. A little bit. I can’t focus on anything worth a damn. That’s my biggest complaint right now. 

Mental health is so important, y’all. 

I preach it to everyone, literally, but I didn’t do it for MYSELF. 

I am someone who considers themselves mentally “strong”. I am suspicious, knowledgeable, not-gullible, and have been through a lot. I never ever thought in my entire life that I would be the one to have a nervous breakdown of sorts. But I did. 

I’m in it. Right now. Not breaking down, but rebuilding. Hopefully coming out of the other side stronger than before. 

I have always been burdened with anxiety, and I’ve always thought that I’ve “coped” well. I internalize. I don’t let people know when I’m stressed. When a patient codes, and we are trying to get them back, my heart is beating through my chest, but you wouldn’t know it by my face. You have to keep a level head, always. 

I have had panic attacks before, few and far between and have always been able to fix the situation. Either crying my eyes out in the shower for a minute, or just talking myself down in my head and taking deep breaths. Normal right? (It’s not)

But when I came home from the hospital, my heart rate was consistently over 120s, heading into the 170’s. I called EMS. I begged for a fluid bolus, and my heart rate went down. I couldn’t talk myself out of this panic. I was working myself up MORE. This was opposite of everything I’ve ever felt. I was so hyper aware. I could feel my heart beating fast, and was that chest pain? My jaw is hurting… that’s a sign of a heart attack in women… I’m dying. 

I did leave out the traumatic part of the urgent care story.

Long story short, when the nurse pushed the IV epinephrine under supervision of the physician, my heart rate jumped to over 200, I couldn’t breathe, and when I looked down, my feet were so pale. I knew I wasn’t perfusing. I took deep breaths and prayed to God that this isn’t how I go. They looked like corpse feet. Lifeless.

I felt deep pains in my chest, and prayed and tried to take deep, slow breaths. I luckily had the presence of mind to tell the nurse to STOP pushing it. Luckily it quickly resolved, but my heart rate stayed in the 120’s - 150’s secondary to the epinephrine use. The paramedics, the charge nurse in the ED, the nurses in the ED, the nurses that took care of me in my room, the physicians: all of them stated that they should NOT have pushed epinephrine IV. 

So, I’m struggling. As a healthcare provider, I know the risks. They literally could have killed me. Almost did. When I questioned the physician and said that the only time that I’ve ever administered epinephrine IV was during ACLS (ie: reviving a DEAD person), he said you can do it.

No.

Evidence based practice, which is what we all function off of as healthcare providers, states that you give IM or IV drip with titration. Which means that it is highly regulated and precise within a pump. IV pushes when mixed with saline are essentially bolus amounts. You don’t know how much is where, and where is is concentrated, or if it is evenly distributed throughout the vial.

I know this is boring.

But knowing this as a healthcare provider, and seeing how the system (the same system I work for) failed me multiple times, just makes me sick.

I see my PCP today for a 2 week checkup.

I got my hair done yesterday for the first time in over a year. My therapist told me that is “maintenance” and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I will admit, I feel like a new human with my hair fixed. It really is the little things, and I’m trying to embrace that. 

I have off work until October… I will see if I can take off that much time financially, but my therapist suggests that I take the entire time to heal. 

She said, and I agree, that “You can’t take care of other people when you haven’t taken care of yourself. There’s nothing left to give to others! It’s drained, gone.”

So, self-care. 

I’m trying to balance Mom-me and Me-me. But also dodge the ever-grasping arms of depression that want me to just stay in bed all day. It’s hard. It’s a battle literally. But it’s getting easier. Slowly. I feel like I can breathe again. 

But I am searching for joy. Praying for it.

Anyway, all this to say, mental health is important, especially with the world being in such a bad place right now. Take time to make sure you and your friends are okay. 

Insomnia

I’m supposed to get up for work in 5.5 hours.
So what the heck am I doing up?

I don’t know. I took 2 Benadryl, so maybe they will kick in soon!

Updates!

We moved and are so in love with our new house. It requires us to budget more than we had to with the old house, but it’s worth it. Nathan is still a time home with the boys, but it makes so much more sense than having to put them in daycare.

Benjamin turned 5 (holy cow!) and had a Mickey Mouse party. We got the boys a trampoline and they love it. Ethan is still my terrible-two-year-old. We are working on things. I can’t believe how different he and Benjamin are. Benjamin was and is still so sweet and listens and is just the sweetest boy in the world. Ethan can definitely be sweet, but he knows how to push my buttons and push those boundaries. I’m hoping Charlie has more of a Benjamin disposition.

Charlie is 5 months old now! And so so sweet. He tries talking to us already! And he’s. Rolling over! He started doing that about a week or so ago. They’re so quick to grow!

Three kids is hard though. I think we are for sure done with having babies. As much as it pains me to say, I want to be able to give them all attention and it’s hard. It’s very hard. But the struggle is worth it. Seeing their smiles and feeling their hugs when I get home and changed from the hospital is just the best. I have a wonderful partner to help as well! Nathan really is a great partner and husband and friend and there’s no way that I could do this without him.

His brother is living with us for a month or so while he gets his job settles in Savannah.

Speaking of jobs, I applied for a cath observation job at my hospital which would be three days a week with no weekends, no holidays, and no call. That sounds great to me! Plus it would be a change of pace. I love being a nurse but with the way that staffing is, floor nursing is very demanding and very hard physically and mentally and emotionally. Med-surg nursing is generally considered something that you do as a stepping stone of sorts to get your experience in and then you move onto something else or a different specialty. I’ve been doing it for 6 years, so it’s time to do something else. Plus it doesn’t help that I’ve been passed over for a Charge job 4 times. It’s a little deflating and humiliating to feel like you’re not good enough to be a full time charge nurse but good enough to charge every time you don’t have someone else to do it. It’s frustrating. So, I’m praying for a change if it’s the right thing for my family. I’ve trusted God this far and this long, and He has a plan. This I know and am so sure about.

I’m also about to start on a weight loss journey again. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I clocked in at 205 pounds today at the doctor’s office. I just go up and up and up after having my babies. I want to feel like a woman again and not a fat out of shape mom. I mean I like the mom part, but I still want to feel like a woman and feel good about myself. So, I’m going hard at it starting tomorrow. Or today rather. I look back and see where I weighed 157 pounds and would cry and cry. I would kill to be “that fat” now. All in good time I guess.

I guess I’m just here to spell out my prayers and my life for now. I pray that Nathan has patience and can relax when he has the kids alone. I know it’s hard and he is a rockstar doing it while I’m at work. But I pray for him. I pray for my babies. That they have a life of comfort and love and peace and know how much we both love them and I pray that God gives us the direction to raise them right. I pray about this job opportunity and for me to take it if it’s the right thing for us. I pray for my photography and that it will continue to bring us a supplemental income. I pray that my family and Nathan’s family is safe and happy. I pray my mom can come visit more. I pray that my brother can come visit more. I miss my family. That’s for another blog that I don’t have time for right now though.

Finally, I pray that I can sleep so that I can function today! Amen!

Motherhood

I don’t know how to explain it.
For some reason, this time around, I feel more like a mother. I mean, I have really fallen in love with being a mother. It’s such a comfort this time around.
Maybe it’s because my body and my head know that it’s my last baby.
But my heart isn’t so sure.

I look at my sweet thriving baby and just smile. And when he smiles I want to cry because he is so beautiful and so perfect and precious.

We waited 10 days to take him home.

After he went to NICU with his pneumo, we had to wait 10 long days to take him home because his heart rate would drop or his oxygen would drop.

We prayed and prayed for our sweet Charlie, and we got to take him home. I have finally been able to breastfeed. Well, pump. My milk is supplying his feedings and it makes me feel like a superstar to be able to do that for him. It’s hard and gets overwhelming at times, but it’s so worth it.

I don’t know what prompted me to write this.

I have a wedding today and I can’t sleep. I keep thinking of my babies.

I love them so much. Benjamin is nearly 5 (which is insane!) and Ethan is 3 in January. Charlie is 10 weeks old. It’s been 10 weeks with my baby already. I don’t want to go back to work.

This is the first time that I didn’t want to go back to work. To get away and have some adult time. I think it finally clicked for me that this is my life. This is what it’s all about. Family.

Nathan is staying home with the babies as I go back to work. It’s truly a blessing that I can do that. We have 4 days off together every week. Together as a family.

We have done so much on my time off from work. We saw family, fireworks, did splash pads and went to St. Simons. We went swimming and had cook outs and went to festivals.

Something is different this time. I don’t know what, but I like it.

Buying a minivan and carting kids around wasn’t ever really my game plan for me. I knew I wanted kids but I knew I would always work. Which I am. But something is different.

I love kissing the boo boos and cuddling the kids. Putting them to bed and saying prayers. I love cuddling Charlie and touching his little smooth rolls and his baby soft hair on his head. I love looking into his eyes and seeing the miracle that he is. I love seeing Benjamin laugh and Ethan giggle. I love taking candid photos of them while they’re cooking with dad. I love watching my older boys love on Charlie. I love this life.

I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my identity being a mom and being pregnant. I have gained a lot of weight and I struggle with my self image and worth a lot. But I see my babies and I know that they don’t care about that. They see mama.

I am going to soak up these last 2 weeks of staying home.

We are trying to sell our house and move. I am praying hard that we will sell it. We were under contract but the buyers backed out after we signed on what seems like the perfect home for us. I’m praying hard for a buyer.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I love my family. I love my babies.

I may be an emotional mess, but my heart is so full.

Charlie Isaac is Here!

I wanted to write while all of this whirlwind of a delivery was fresh in my mind. My sweet boy is just over 24 hours old! He was born 5/15/19 at 4:31 AM, weighing a whopping 8lbs and 14oz and some 22 inches long! He had a small pneumothorax just like his oldest brother Benjamin, so he is in the NICU right now, but I was able to hold him this morning (a few hours ago!) very early. He’s a precious little chunk. Even though he’s my biggest, holding his little head in the palm of my hand reminds me of how tiny he still is. A breath of fresh air for me, and a heavy aching of love in my heart to just hold him. He’s precious.

Now for the delivery story...

I don’t know what I was thinking. I think I was trying to prove how tough I was after hearing women accomplishing a natural labor, but I was bound and determined to do it pain medicine free. This meant no epidural, no pain meds of any type. What I forgot to do research on, was what are the odds of making it through a pitocin INDUCED labor naturally. I will say that I was managing very well until I was about 9 cm. 9-10 was a horrific blur of sweating, crying, yelling, and fidgeting that was almost an out of body experience. Never in my life have I ever hurt so bad that I thought that I was literally dying. It felt like someone was slowly breaking my back by kicking me to death. The contractions, as painful as they were, were tolerable even at their worst, because I knew they would peak and end, even if just for a minute. From 9-10 cm I had constant pain and pressure in my back and sacrum that was incredibly unbearable. I was in so much pain that the words that people were saying to me were not making sense. The doctor and nurses telling me to put my legs back towards myself meant nothing to me, and I couldn’t follow directions. I’ve never been out of my element and delirious like that before. Once the undeniable feeling of pushing started, it wouldn’t stop. When I pushed, I felt relief. A sweet bit of relief for a second and then back to untolerable pain. I kept saying that I had to push, and I was met with a sea of “no, wait!” But after 12 hours of unmedicated labor on the max of pitocin being administered, “no” was not an option. I tried to wait while the doctor was called and quickly putting on his sterile gown and gloves. He barely made it to me in time to help me deliver my sweet boy. 3 huge pushes and he was out into the world, with hair (he may be a brunette!)  and covered in cheese. Somehow I didn’t tear (thank goodness).

Poor Nathan was tearing up, watching me beg for medicine, anything for pain. My nurse literally carried me through my labor. She gave me counterpressure, she rubbed my head and my hand, she put me into positions that I didn’t think I was possible to be in. She talked me through it all. She’s a hero. Her name is Kia and I will never forget her.

More about Charlie!

He was covered in “baby cheese” which leads me to believe that he was overdue and that I was right about my due date. Also backing this up is the fact that he had a meconium poop an hour after he was born, which I am such a believer in God’s plan, and I’ll tell you why. If we had waited to induce today (which was an option), he surely would have pooped in the womb, and with his pneumothorax and everything else that happened, he could have been way worse off when he made his entrance.
We are so blessed that even though he had to go to NICU, he’s otherwise incredibly healthy. He’s on some oxygen treatment to help seal the pneumothorax, which on repeat chest X-ray, looks a lot better and is almost resolved. We are repeating one this morning to see if we can take him off oxygen (yay!) and maybe start feeding him (double yay!). I’ve been pumping and bringing my milk (although I’m not making a lot right now) and bringing it to the NICU for him which the nurse used to swan his mouth with so he gets a taste for it. He’s the tiniest little miracle baby, and I know he’s a fighter.

I remember when I got my Mirena removed and we wanted to try again, the doctor said that it could be a year before I got pregnant again. I had slight spotting 2 days later, and then nothing. 3 weeks later I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! I had a lot of bleeding after that though, and was warned that it probably wouldn’t “stick”. It took blood tests and days of stress and prayer and crying to wait for the results that I wanted to hear: we were pregnant! A miracle.

This time was easier to accept that I was having a boy and that I was going to be a boy mom! He was a miracle, and to be honest, I love my boys. I know boys and God has a plan! I believe that mine is to raise sweet boys because I probably couldn’t handle a girl!

Leading up to delivery I had some really rough and painful days. This is the heaviest that I have been, and I think that contributed to that. I’m still super swollen (like all of my pregnancies) so I’m trying to drink more water and have that come off. It’s rough when your feet are like softballs! I have swelling everywhere, so I’m hoping for a lot of that to come off soon and feel better! My stomach/uterus/crotch hurts from all of the cramping and mashing and baby-pushing, but that’s all to be expected.

I’m actually a lot more prepared for this sweet babe I feel like. Since I already sleep on nap cycles, I feel better prepared to wake up and feed and hold this sweet peanut.

I’m super excited to hold my baby, and I’ve got to pump in about 45 minutes, so I’m going to watch some Law and Order and drink up some water!

Praise God for my sweet baby ❤️❤️❤️

Almost 39 Weeks

As I sit here in my living room in the quiet at 6 am, all I can think about is how my life is going to change again for the third time. Tomorrow will be my 39th week pregnant with my third boy, and it brings me peace and a little uneasiness to know he will be here soon. It’s so strange to think that you have two little people that you love so much and that how can you possibly have enough love to spread around. I remember thinking this about having to share my love with Ethan after he was born when I loved Benjamin so much as my first born. I remember thinking “what if I don’t love him as much, or what if I have to give so much more attention to Ethan and Benjamin feels unloved?” I remember crying about these fears. I found out very quickly that a Mother’s heart can somehow stretch that love to all of her babies. I’m not so worried about that this time, because I’ve seen what a sweet young man Benjamin has turned into, and I think he will be a great help with this new babe. Ethan is the typical 2 year old and is crazy upon crazy, so we will see.
This pregnancy has been the hardest for me, physically speaking. I’m the biggest that I’ve ever been, so I’m pretty motivated to lose this weight after he’s here. I’ve got really bad pelvic girdle pain which is sometimes unbearable. The allergies are killing me this season! I’m praying it’s just pregnancy related stuff and that it goes away after I have the baby.
Nathan is working part time at a wood shop, and I’m officially on leave from work, so we will be depending on some of the money that my Dad left me when he passed. In a way it’s a sweet reminder that even though he’s not physically here, he is taking care of us. It’s been hard around here with no family available to help. Nathan and I really want to build a great family base for our children so that we are available and that they WANT to be around us when they’re older. It’d be such a wonderful dream to have family get togethers and holidays surrounded by my boys and their significant others and then eventually, our grandchildren.
Anyway, just some thoughts this morning.
This sweet babe just seems to be super content in my uterus, so if he doesn’t come on his own, his induction date is 5/14. I’m praying for a natural labor because I haven’t had the experience yet, and I feel like this will be my last pregnancy. It’s just been too hard this time to think about another, even though I would take all the babies.
God has a plan, and we will see what it is!

30 Weeks with Baby #3!

30 Weeks with Baby #3?!

How far along? 30 weeks

How big is baby? The size of a winter squash! 

Heartrate: 150

Total weight gain/loss: who knows. I’m so swollen! Like 30lbs? 

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: I sleep in nap cycles this go around.

Best moment this week: Feeling those rolls and kicks.

Movement: yes! 

Food cravings: everything :( 

Food aversions: nothing really. 

Gender: Boy #3!

Labor Signs? I don’t think so! 

Pregnancy symptoms? Swelling, rib pain, congestion, constant heartburn, leaky boobs started last night. 

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Feeling like my own person ;) being able to get sleep!

What I am looking forward to: Getting to see baby!

Upcoming appointments/events:  next Wednesday!

Weekly Wisdom: get real maternity clothes so you can feel like a human and get some breast pads BEFORE you start leaking 🤦🏼‍♀️

Milestones: third trimester! I’m counting down the weeks until I get to meet my little man!

Bump Picture: nope.

27 Weeks with Baby #3!

27 Weeks with Baby #3?!

How far along? 27 weeks

How big is baby? The size of a head of cabbage! 

Heartrate: ?

Total weight gain/loss: who knows. I’m so swollen! 

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: I sleep in nap cycles this go around.

Best moment this week: Feeling those rolls and kicks.

Movement: yes! 

Food cravings: fruit! 

Food aversions: nothing really. 

Gender: Boy #3!

Labor Signs? I don’t think so! 

Pregnancy symptoms? Swelling, rib pain, congestion. 

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Feeling like my own person ;) being able to get sleep!

What I am looking forward to: Getting to see baby!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Glucose test Thursday :(

Weekly Wisdom: get real maternity clothes so you can feel like a human!

Milestones: End of the second trimester! He’s tasting and hiccuping! My uterus is the size of a basketball 😳

Bump Picture: nope.

10 Weeks with baby 3?!

10 Weeks with Baby #3?!

How far along? I0 weeks

How big is baby? The size of a strawberry! 

Heartrate: 168

Total weight gain/loss: I actually lost 4 lbs from my pre-pregnancy appointment.

Maternity clothes? Not yet!

Sleep: I sleep in nap cycles this go around. ;(

Best moment this week: Trying to figure out what can help with the morning sickness! I'm so nauseated this time around— still.

Movement: not yet! 

Food cravings: fruit! 

Food Aversions: Everything depending on the time of day... even water!

Gender: No idea, but I’m not so secretly hoping pink ❤️

Labor Signs?

Pregnancy Symptoms? Some bloating and sinus stuff, super watery mouth and nausea.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Not feeling like I have to puke every moment of the day, sleep, and clothes that fit!

What I am looking forward to: Getting to see baby!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Check up in 4 weeks!

Weekly Wisdom: Stock up on meds you are allowed to take during pregnancy. You never know when you might need it. (this is still true, so I'm going to leave it!) I will add that ginger ale, Preggie Pops, crackers, small meals, and no movement while you feel sick is probably the best you can do!

Milestones: Fingers and toes aren’t webbed anymore! And little one was waving at us :)

Bump Picture: nope...

2018... Where has the time gone?

Well, well. It's June of 2018 and I haven't written in a long while. Things are different and blooming around here at the O'Brien house.

Nathan is working from home and taking full-time care of the babies while I'm at work full-time for 3+ days a week and sprinkling in a little photography here and there. Ethan is 18 months old (wow!) and Benjamin will be 4 this September (it hurts my heart to see my little boys growing up, but I'm so thankful for it too). I'll be 32 in August. This is it. It's supposed to be my "prime" year. They say women have their prime at 32. So, next year has to be my best year yet, right?

I'm trying to recap on things that happened. My mom moved to Florida because her mother passed away. So that leaves me and Kenny in Georgia. We get together almost every Thursday night to play board games... mostly D&D (I said I was growing up didn't I?) Nathan and I went to Jamaica this year and had an amazing time. Although I'm not as skinny as I want to be (far from it) and I'm not as wrinkle free and everything as high and tight as it used to be, I had a really great time and didn't let it bother me. Maybe that comes with age too? Giving yourself a little grace?

Nathan has gotten really good at spoon and bowl making. Woodworking small things in general he is really into. We are still working on paying off some things before we can move. I'm ready for my forever home. We are thinking maybe one more baby if God blesses us with one. The thought of never having any more little ones makes me sad. And although they drive me crazy at times (and some days it's most of the time) I lay down at night and my last thoughts are about them and how much I love them and how much I pray for their health and happiness. Nathan and I have known each other for 7 years this year. It's so crazy to think that I wrote about him here when we first started dating, and here we are 7 years later with babies and the house.

I can't sleep. It's 3 AM and I don't know what made me think of this blog, but I did. I'm up downstairs watching Murder She Wrote and Psych (still one of my favorites), and thinking about everything there is to think about. I miss my Dad. It'll be 3 years this year since he passed, and I miss him more now than after it happened. I see him in Ethan. He's so spunky and "fresh", that I see my dad's sarcastic sense of humor in him. My grandma was talking about selling her house last year, which made me super sad, but in an unexpected turn of events, my grandma decided to sell her and Chris's house instead, so we get to keep the family house in the family. We still have Tangobutt and Pepper, although they are outside cats now.

I'm trying to think what else.

Nathan and I had a rough patch last year. We both did a 180 and are doing really well. I am thankful for that so much.