Working on Me

 It’s my second intentional journaling day. 

I woke up feeling surprisingly “good” - which I know is a relative term - but “good” for me feels like this:

- I can get out of bed and brush my teeth

- I can leave the house with my family for a short period of time before my nerves and the kids start to act up

- I can be patient with the kids

Not a crazy list right?

But let’s talk about depression and what that looks like for me. Most people think depression is sitting in a dark room alone. This isn’t true for most people with depression. We are out among you, faking our way through the day. 

This is what my depression looks like, on a “good” day like today:

- I got out of bed and brushed my teeth, but I didn’t change my clothes that I went to bed in, and I didn’t shower, and I didn’t make my bed.

- I left the house for a quick plant shopping run with the family, but I count down until bedtime so I can be alone. I struggle with this one a lot. My love for my children, but my need for solitude to collect my thoughts. It’s crushing.

- I can be patient with the kids, but when it gets too much, I have to isolate before I blow. See above.

- I binge eat a lot. Snacking is my go-to stress reliever. If I’m panic-attack level stressed, then I don’t eat at all. It swings both ways, but I’ve been in the binge eating stage lately and ballooned in weight. I’m being kind to myself despite this.

- My sleep cycle is so out of wack. I sleep basically in 3-4 hour increments. I experimented by adding melatonin at night, and it seemed to help a lot. Hoping it will get me more regular.

- I become a hypochondriac. Everything hurts, and could only be the worst possible diagnosis. As a nurse, I KNOW that this is irrational, but my body’s response is that of sheer panic.

- I start to get really self-conscious about my worth

- Everything can feel hazy, a little bit “not real”, like nothing really matters

- I will clarify that I have luckily and very thankfully never been suicidal or ever had a plan. (But if you do, please seek help. Your life is worth even more than you know)

Just being real. I have lost who I am as a person. Just over time. There was never really a huge shift, it just happened. 

I’m trying to find her again.

But today, being a “good” day depression-wise, things looked a lot less hazy, and a lot more clear. I actually giggled and felt a flash of a second of excitement and said “I feel good today!” - Nathan was happy.

But I’m a flash the excitement was gone, and back to the baseline. But I didn’t feel as fatigued while out, and I had more patience with the kids, which is telling me my new meds are helping. 

Depression is debilitating. Anxiety is debilitating. Both together is a war.

It is so easy to stay in bed.

It’s easy to have someone bring you food, so you never have to leave your room.

It’s easy to sleep all day.

It’s easy to isolate.

It’s easy to find a temporary release in food, sex, or another vice.

It’s H A R D to get up a put on a happy face and function.

It’s a struggle to cook food. I am still struggling with this. The motivation isn’t there.

It’s hard to maintain a normal sleep schedule so you can function with your family and society.

It takes EVERYTHING in my body to be around a group of people. I get so drained from interacting all day. It doesn’t mean I hate it, but I can’t do it all the time.

It is soul-crushingly hard to resist your vices when you are struggling and depressed. When depressed it feels like you’re in a constant need for your vices to feel SOMETHING. It can lead down a very unhealthy path, physical and emotionally. 

But I fail. I fail daily at functioning like a human who is emotionally and mentally whole.

My Grandmother told me that when she was about 30, she asked the Lord to enter her heart, and she said ever since then she had no anxiety or worry. And she’s truly right. I have never seen my Grandmother worry, even when my Dad passed. She trusted God. She still does.

I am jealous of people who can wake up and start their day and just function. Just be able to wake up refreshed and be out the door before noon. 

I am a a Christian, and I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior, but maybe I’m doing it wrong?

I am trying to attend church more, and get more involved. But right now recovering from burnout, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to even take on something new right now.

I am afraid of judgement, which I know is so silly at 35. But I am. 

Just a random rambling.

I hope to meet with my counselor this week and hopefully have an update.