36

I am 36.

I spent my 36th birthday coming back from Jekyll Island from a wedding weekend. Nathan’s cousin got married at a 1 million dollar swanky event, so we had to go! After much work and bribing, we got Shaun and Bonnie to watch the boys for the weekend so we could enjoy it!

I can say that I did truly enjoy myself. I wasn’t comparing myself to other women, I got to dance with my husband, meet a ton of his family, eat good food, stay at a beachfront hotel, and walked along the beach one morning. It was a packed weekend because of all the wedding festivities and I’m exhausted but it was so fun.

This Thursday will be 2 weeks since increasing my meds and I think they’re working. I haven’t returned to work yet. My therapist wants me to stay out until October, but I don’t know if we can fiscally swing that. I have already had to ask my grandma for money which is incredibly humbling and simultaneously also humiliating. I’ve never had to ask for help financially since starting my career as a nurse. I’m prideful of that. 

This whole mental breakdown and reflection has been a lesson in humility, the kindness of others, and my faith in God. It’s hard. It’s hard to give up control when you’ve had to run a household and also 24 patients’ overall care. I’ve always had a “if you want it done right, you do it yourself” attitude - so it’s hard for me to sit and let God guide me. It’s very hard. 

As someone who doesn’t necessarily like to be alone with their thoughts for the most part (because it causes rumination and anxiety) sitting and waiting can be a nightmare. I pray and pray for help or an answer - and I’ve learned to also pray for patience. 

Not my strong suit. If I want something done, I want it done as fast as possible. This doesn’t happen most of the time with God’s timing. His timeline ain’t like ours (or so I’m told) so that’s where the faith and the patience comes in. 

I’m working on it. It’s a work in progress for sure. 

Nathan and I talked the whole way home, about 6 hours, about family, childhood, trauma, counseling, understanding each other and family better, and what we want for our family legacy. It was incredible. We hardly ever get to really have uninterrupted conversation anymore, and we learned a lot about each other I think. 

I am still struggling sleep-wise. 

I seem to get a nap of 2-3 hours in and then my body wants to wake up. Clearly some unresolved issues there. But I haven’t been taking my Atarax, as I am only trying to take the Zoloft. But I do know that if I need it, I need it. 

I was thinking about going down to see mom for a couple of days, but I don’t want to go alone. With children in school, it’s impossible to get anyone to watch them, which is totally understandable. That’s a lot. 

Kenny can’t go because his dog Luna just got bit by a copperhead and the vet bill ran him $2100. So he’s got to stay home and watch her and pick up extra shifts to pay off that, I’m sure. 

I don’t have any friends that I would be comfortable going on a soul searching trip with. 

I’d love to go to Jekyll again, but I don’t want to travel that far alone. I need the sun and the beach. It was very peaceful down there. 

Nathan and I were talking about how as we are getting older, we like the heat more, and could see ourselves really moving somewhere closer to the beach. Who knows. Life is too crazy right now to even think about it.

I’m going to try and maybe journal at night and see if it helps dump my brain before I sleep and maybe then I will be able to get a full night’s sleep and stop having these random naps. 

Work is looming over my head. Although I say that and I don’t physically feel any stress response - BUT - I know that my brain is smarter than me telling myself that I have to go back. I don’t know that I will have that panicked physiological response until I actually am scheduled to go back. I don’t know that I will be perfectly fine? I hope so. 

I do know that I will stay PRN when I return just to test the waters and probably nights at first because it’s SO much less busy at night. Plus it’s more money and I’m up all night basically right now anyway. 

Anyway. That’s my brain dump.