Lovefool

I have become a lovefool, but that should not be a surprise to anyone.

One week to the day until I can see my love again. (I just noticed that my blogging has increased quite a bit, and all of the blogs are sappy). I'm not suffering from separation anxiety yet, but I do miss him a whole lot. I have errands to run today, and here I am blogging and editing photos from last weekend. Probably not the wisest of my decisions. Also, my boyfriend and I saw Harry Potter and boy did I cry.

I miss my boyfriend. I said that already.
We are either leaving for Florida tonight, or tomorrow, and I haven't packed. Not that I really care what I look like. I am going with family, and I am going to enjoy my time on the beach and at the pool sipping drinks and getting fresh air... and missing my boyfriend. I am ridiculous, I know. But, he is my best friend, and when you don't have your best friend around then who are you going to do best friend things with? I miss him dearly.

I was talking to my mom today (... or the other day... no matter) about relationships. As we were talking, the weird idea came tumbling into my brain of "what if my boyfriend is my future husband?" and it really took me back. It seems silly that I hadn't actually thought of this earlier, since I have been on a quest for a so-called perfect man to become my husband since I matured. But, I think because I was younger and dating, I always just dated and assumed that maybe one day I would marry the person, and maybe not, trying so hard not to get attached to something that may not last forever. In many aspects I am glad for thinking this way, because if I didn't and put all my hopes into any number of someones then I would be in world of trouble now, married to the wrong person and living miserably for the rest of eternity. Then I think back to the wave of DUH that hit... What if my boyfriend is "the one"?

It's scary and bizarre and wonderful and curious and hopeful all at the same time. Do you just "know"? Some people say that they believe in love at first sight, and some have been together years and years before they get married. I guess I won't know. For some reason though, the idea of dating my maybe future husband kind of weirds me out. Or maybe I shouldn't think that way? But I have to because you have to talk about kids and if there is a possibility of a future and finances and beliefs and all of the adult things that I am not ready to face yet. It stresses me out just thinking about it. I don't want to seem crazy, but if things progressed/stayed the same that they are now, I could marry my boyfriend in the future. I absolutely could. But that sounds crazy and I don't want my boyfriend to think I'm crazy and a stereotypical woman even though I am. A typical woman; not crazy. (These frenzied thoughts drive me crazy.) I am deeply in love with him and I can see a future, and babies and a house and love and family and all kinds of things. But I feel like I shouldn't be thinking these things because we have only been dating for almost 6 months and so much could happen on either side of the spectrum of relationship stuff. Did I mention that my name totally sounds good with his last name? (I'm a creep) ...I am an idiot.

But here I am, almost 25 (dear goodness), and I have to think of this stuff. It's like my biological clock is making me think these things. At 18 I'd feel like I had all the time in the world, and oh what I would give to have the lack of responsibility that I did back then. It's not that I feel the need to have babies right away, because that's absolutely not how I feel. I truly want to enjoy my husband for awhile before that happens. I think that I am just ready to spend the rest of my life with someone that I deeply care about. I never liked to date, and I still don't, and all I want is something pure and happy that I can have forever. Is that so hard? I guess so... and I know that God will place me with the right person (if my boyfriend isn't). I think because I am a woman, and a hopeless romantic, seeing people get engaged and have babies makes me envious. Although, now that I think about it, I haven't been envious of those things as much as I am just happy for them. Maybe it's because I am in a very fulfilling relationship at the moment and it doesn't matter to my heart what may or may not happen; it just knows that I am happy now.

I don't know. All I know is that I am in love, and I miss my love, and I would give anything to see him right now.

Separation

Not in the way that the title implies ;)

My sweet boyfriend has to go on a trip to learn about his new job, and I am going on probably one of the last "family" vacations I'll ever have before I have my own. He will be in (South Carolina, I think) and I will be in Florida. I miss him already. It will be 8 days before I see him again.

I showed him my last blog, since he was curious and he liked it. It's scary having someone read your thoughts, but it turned out for the best I think. I really, really love this man. I am probably the most annoying person to my friends, as he is to his, since we both ga-ga on Facebook all the time. I can't help it. I am happy and I deserve to be, and if I feel the need to share it, then goodness gracious I'm going to.

One thing that I need to work on is reading more. About God in particular. I'm going to bring my Women's Bible with me on vacation. Although I pray a lot to God, it would do me good to depend on him more and learn about him. I feel that Him gifting me with a love that I haven't ever know has "distracted" me from God. I don't mean that in a bad way at all! I just feel that God has given me this man to enjoy and to fall in love with, and just as I am taking this man in with every bit of my being, I need to pray more and thank God more and put more of my faith into Him. I think this "break" of not seeing my worldly Love will give me a balance of time that I can spend reading and growing in God. I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and even though sometimes I need to reassure myself, I know that nothing God does is an accident. We were meant to spend this week or so apart. Maybe myself to learn and grow closer to my family, and maybe for him to grow closer to his and get everything in line for himself. Either way, I will pray that I don't go insane. Even though I have faith in God, I am human, and my mind wanders towards insecurity at lightning speeds. Prayer does wonders, God works in mysterious ways, and he calms my mind and soul.

Tracking back, since my mind runs a million miles a minute and can't keep anything properly grouped together, after reading my blog, this is what Hipsterjack wrote back to me:

"That's the sweetest, most beautiful thing I've ever read :) I am so in love with you (insert full name here). God is looking out for us and I see good things in the future. You are my best friend now, and you mean the world to me, I mean that <3"

I really honestly don't remember having a love like this. The other night we just laid together and tangled up in each other and talked and laughed and took each other in. It was wonderful. He makes me feel like the most important person, and he told me tonight that it was because I was the most important person to him. He's a romantic; even if not in the conventional sense with the showering of gifts and grandeur displays of affection. He cares about how I feel, in all meanings of that definition and that can be the most romantic thing ever. We have both agreed that we are turning each other into romantic saps, but we both don't care. It's a wonderful feeling, and I hope it lasts a long time.

There's a line in a Nickel Creek song that says "Why should the fire die?/ my mom and dad, kept theirs alive". This line, however simple, really spoke to me. Why does the romance have to die? Why can't both people work to keep it? Or was it never there to begin with? I feel like hidden in these moments of young debt made up of college and car loans, and frugality of cheap dates lies a romance that has to be mustered up out of "want". When there isn't money to be spent, you just have each other, and you can either make the most of it or complain that you have no money and look forward to the "well, one day I'll have money and we can do this or that". We play scrabble and backgammon or hang out at his house and watch TV with his family, and I hear life stories from his parents while he plays guitar. We drink coffee and enjoy each others' stories and companies and tell each other little ditty's of love for each other that would be nauseating to anyone other than us. We walk around the mall, hand in hand, taking turns in each others' favorite stores and eat cheap food court food. Every once in awhile, we will splurge and see a movie, and melt together entwined in our seats. I love this simple love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He has my heart. So again, if we have this now, can I hope that it will stay? I pray it will.

I said it again: prayer. I live on prayer. I need prayer. I have conversational prayer with God, as if he is speaking back, and in my mind I feel that he is in his own way. I have heard of people physically hearing the voice of God. I have not, to my recollection, and I do not dismiss it as fact. But, I don't need a physical response to know that he is listening. When I pray, I feel safe. It's as if a blanket of calm envelopes me and I am physically and mentally rejuvenated. I've prayed to stop swearing, and I have been a lot better about it. I am a very thankful person to everyone, and I am trying to be more open about it (another lesson that I learned from my boyfriend). I figure things out when I pray. I voice a problem to God. I don't hold back. He knows when I am mad or depressed or upset or happy or in love, so why not vocalize these things to Him? I do, and when I am mad, for example, telling Him that I am mad eventually works itself out to where I am tired, and even though I am mad, maybe even at Him, that if I hold on and trust Him, it will all be okay. In my experiences, this is true. At my deepest, darkest times, I was never mad at God. I held out, even when I felt like giving up, and He made me a deeper, truer believer than I ever have been.

Which takes me back to my boyfriend. Oh, how I have waited for a love like this. I would cry and beg and pray to God for a date (even just a date!) with a nice man. I waited and waited, and God rewarded me with someone so special and precious to me, that I wouldn't change it for the world. I will never be the way I was a few years ago ever again. Never will I take anything good for granted. I am very blessed, and I owe everything in my life to God. God created situations for me, both easy and difficult, so that I may grow as a person. I know that my trials are not over; I have a long life to live if he sees fit, and I'm sure they will not all be walks in the park. But, I have learned SO much through these things. I have learned to place all of my faith in Him. When I feel sad or insecure or worry about things that I shouldn't, I immediately turn to God for solace and peace of mind and in a matter of minutes, I feel better. He has shown me to never take a love for granted, and if you love someone, you will work through things to make it. He has softened me emotionally, and made me more able to feel love and if I'm happy, heck, I cry about it! I don't play games anymore. I don't tempt "fate" and I don't try and get more than I deserve. God has made a real woman out of me; a good Christian woman, and to see the transformation in myself makes me feel wonderful.

This isn't to say that I'm not human. I'm VERY MUCH human, and I am very much full of faults. My faults, I have learned, to not beat myself up over. Mistakes happen, and they are only real mistakes if you don't learn from them. I am tempted everyday by things that may not seem like a fault to many.

I think one of the sweetest things that my boyfriend has ever said to me is that I am the sweetest love that he has ever known besides God. That makes me feel so special. I may be a sap, but tying in his religion to me means a lot to me. My faith is so huge to me, and I am trying to make it a much larger piece of my life and I would love for us to both grow in it. I think that when I move in to my house, I would like to go to church with my boyfriend and his family so we can grow together. It is a sense of closeness that means a lot to both of us.

On a side note: It's interesting to see our relationship unfold from the beginning. I do hope and pray that we will have many, many, many more stories and pages to fill together.

I've rambled too long. It's time to practice the ukulele and pray to my Savior :)

Grapefruit.

That is my breakfast. I'm trying to eat healthier. And although eating a grapefruit at 1 in the morning probably isn't great, it's a lot better than eating a fourth meal at Taco Bell.

Well, I made an A in Nutrition. I am very happy with that. I have to start getting everything finalized for school and my apartment. It is a strange thing, growing up. I want it, because I want to be a wife and a mother (one day) and make money and be able to support myself. But, at the same time, it is very odd to come to terms with the fact that I won't have my brother to go run errands with or my mom to come home to and talk about things. The realization that I am growing up (even at 24) and I am leaving home probably for good, is weird, and very sad. I will miss them both very much, and I don't know how I will function without them, and at the same time I don't know how I function living in the same house! I am blessed with a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, though.

This man. He is amazing. He makes me cry, in absolutely good ways, all the time. It is incredibly amazing to hear that someone plans things around you. It makes me feel like the most important person in his life. Whether I am or not at this point is moot; he makes me FEEL like I am, and it is the best feeling in the entire world. To have someone tell you that the most mundane everyday overlooked things that you do are wonderful or even "sexy" to them is... amazing. I was floored. This man makes me fall deeper and deeper in love with him every time I speak to him. He is the sweetest man I have ever met. (I feel the need to describe everything in great detail, here's why: 1) If I deem it necessary to describe the terrible things to the most minute detail, then why not when life is going well? and 2) as Plato said, "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet".)

This goes back to my last post. Regardless of whether or not we will be together forever, God has shown me a love that I thought I would never have (and I must always remember it as this). It surpasses the love that I thought was the greatest at one point in my life. He is my best friend, and I don't know if I have told him that yet or not. He embodies something so amazing and so foreign to me, that I can't quite explain it. It is a love that is comfortable enough, and yet it still sets my heart on fire. I am excited when I am around him and when I know that he is mine and I am his, it makes me have the greatest sense of security. I look at him, and I can see that he loves me. The way he looks at me is something that I feel like I have never had before. It makes me tear up to think about it (I'm such a sap). He doesn't just hug me, he holds me. He asks me constantly what I'm thinking because he cares to know. He kisses me, and I melt. One of my favorite things is resting my head in his lap and him combing his fingers through my hair. It is the simplest thing, and I don't have to ask for it, he wants to do it. The way he holds my face when we kiss makes me fall into a love-induced sort of drowsy stupor that I can't explain. When we listen to music and he hums the harmony in my ear, it makes my heart smile. I wake up in the morning looking forward to seeing a note or a message or something from him, and when I do, my day is instantly brighter. I feel vulnerable, and it's terrifying, but somehow I feel like that is how it is supposed to be. It's terrifying in that he could take advantage of me if he wanted. He could use me up and break my heart into a million tiny pieces if he so desired, but he doesn't. I guess that's the trust part. That part is the hardest to give away, and I pray about it every night. I thank God every night for him and that I have the strength to not worry and to be at peace with the fact that he has my heart. I hope that he will keep it safe, and he has done nothing to make me think that he wouldn't. He's thoughtful and sweet and open and sincere and I am ...truly enamored with him (although it is very hard for me to say these things in person).

To be in lust is very easy to confuse with love, and I have learned this the hard way from past relationships. I loved him as a person very early on; someone that I wanted in my life, and I told him so. I fell harder and faster with this one in love, with him as a "lover" in the partner sense of the word, and I did not want him to know. I didn't want him to know because I would have been heartbroken if he didn't feel the same, and for my own protection. I didn't want to be in lust with him and then get tangled up in the words "I love you" with confused meanings and feelings. When it happened, it wasn't ideal (it happened over the phone), and when he said it for the first time face to face, I hesitated to say it back. It is bizarre to share your deepest, most vulnerable feelings with someone for the first time. Maybe not bizarre... but nerve-wrecking. When I said it, it felt right. It was love.

It is love. I love his family. I love that I am comfortable with his family. (The weekend trip went great, even though I had a kidney stone...). Everything about him, I love. He is hilarious, and he likes my laugh. He is patient to teach me the ukulele even though I have no understanding of anything related to music theory. We can sit around and watch TV and eat cheap food and do nothing but have nothing to explore but each other and it's a perfect peace. He pulls me into his stories that could be about everything and at the same time nothing in particular. Even when he repeats himself (something that would generally annoy me, since I tend to mentally latch onto everything random and never throw it away), I can't help but smile and think that he is adorable. He doesn't shrink away when I cry, or give up on me when I get angry or frustrated. We still speak for hours on the phone, and like his stories, the conversations are about everything and nothing. We have made up words that make my whole day. When he tells me he thinks of something or sees or hears a song that reminds him of me, it makes me the happiest woman in the world. To be thought of and cared about is something that I went without for so long, that I almost forgot what it was like. To get goosebumps at the touch of someone, or a warmth from a hug, and knowing that he knows right where to touch me to make me melt, is something so precious to me, and I never want to let it go.

There have been times where I have wrestled with the idea of giving it up. In the beginning he had a job prospect that would have taken him hundreds of miles from me. He didn't get it. He didn't know what he wanted out of life and with whom he wanted to be with, and I prayed to God about what road I should take. We both stayed. His job requires travel (something I am against, but that is for another day of soul searching to discuss), and I am praying through it. For some reason, we are still together, and I can't help but think that God put us together for a reason. I am grateful to God for giving me the chance to get to know the wonderful person that this man is. I hope that we will be together for a long time. I learn from him, and I hope that I do offer him something more than my "love" for him.

I just needed to elaborate. I love him, and all of that goes into those three words every time I say them. The end.

Happiness is Here.

Well, I finished nutrition. We will see how I did.

I go on a family vacation with HIPSTERJACK and his familia this weekend. I'm nervous, but excited. I have never felt more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. He's still able to give me butterflies and the biggest smiles and tingles and make me laugh so hard I cry. God is trying to show me something, whether he's my soul mate or not, and I'm trying to have open eyes and ears and arms to take it all in.

I have become quite the sap lately and everything makes me contemplate crying. In a good way of course. HIPSTERJACK says things to me that make me want to cry and grab him and never let him go. It's a love like in the movies. Granted, we have our differences, but they aren't severe enough (not nearly!) to be judgmental of each other. I have fun with him and he has my heart. I still pray for a clear head when it starts to wander into self conscious territory, but this man shows no sign of NOT loving me. I don't know why I worry. I guess it's a fault of being human.

My apartment is almost settled. I go to Florida soon with family. I start my nursing school soon. Good things are happening... Except for me turning 25, but that's another blog for another day. Thank you God for everything :)

Less Than Three!

I love my Hipsterjack, and it's a wonderful feeling to have reciprocated love. :) I haven't felt this way in a long, long time and it's the greatest! I get giddy and butterflies and I want everyone to know about it. We've been dating for 5 months, and I'm very happy.

Thank you, God, for answering my prayers :)

LOVE

I'm in love and he loves me too. All is right in the world :)

Diva

I have taken a great interest in fashion and hair and nails and makeup lately. I enjoy being feminine lately. Dresses, nail painting, trying different things with my hair and makeup. It feels fun, and I think I am finally out of my rut where I didn't care what I looked like for the longest time. I want to look good for my boyfriend, which in turn makes me want to look good for me. It's a lovely change.

I look at old blogs and see how far I've come. I promised myself on Valentine's Day in 2010 that I would not pursue a man, that I wanted one to pursue me. I lived up to that promise, and I met a man who likes me very much for me, and I never had to beg him to like me. Although we haven't dropped the "L" bomb yet, I feel it's presence creeping up on us, slowly, but surely. I realized then that I NEEDED God, and my faith, and I have lived by that ever since and have not faltered from that. I have put more faith into God than I have in my whole entire life, and he has done nothing less than reward me for it. I love Him. I promised then that I would not have sex again until I am married. I have also stood by this promise, and my boyfriend respects it as well. We are together knowing that it isn't for sex, and that is a wonderful thing. On that same day I also promised that I would not date anyone who didn't love God, and that has worked out as well. This man and I are learning and finding out so many things about each other and I love it. He has made me pray hard to God through trials, and I have led him to God through his own troubles. Last but not least, I wanted to live Christ-like. Although I try to do this, I fail at times, but I know that I cannot give up because of things that happen. All in all, I have lived a more supportive and positive life, and I feel that is Christ-like.

I have also been on a weight kick, eating smaller portions and eating healthier. When I went to the doctor in April, I weighed 150 (probably more, but I think I lied to myself and said 150). I was tired of looking at myself in the mirror (naked) and feeling ashamed and gross. I am down to 138 right now, and I'm still working on it. :) I'm thankful for that. Determination and hard work is... hard.

Tonight though, I throw my diet to the side, and I get to have a real dress up dinner date with my sweet boyfriend. He starts his new job today, so he is going to stay dressed up, and I am going to GET dressed up (after I have my Spanish II class), and we are going to eat some delicious food and enjoy each other.

I move to Athens in less than a month.
Nursing will be my only classes left to take.
In 2 years, I will be an RN.

Time to get ready for things.

4th of July Weekend

I passed Algebra, which was a feat in itself. I don't know if I mentioned it, but Hipsterjack (way back when we first started dating, I said I would call him Beard. I don't know what happened with that...) and I are officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

Although I am an adult, I can't help but feel wonderful when I am around him, and sad when I'm not. Well, not all the time sad, but when we part on not wonderful terms it makes me sad. I really care about him a lot. I have been contemplating saying the big "L" (uh oh) word for awhile, but I haven't and I don't know if I should. I keep praying about it, and I am hoping that God gives me a sign. I just for some reason lately, have been really stressed out. I am relieved about Algebra, but I think I am worried about Hipsterjack's new job (which requires SOME travel, we both don't really know how much) so I am praying about that, and I don't know when to say the "L" word, which is surprisingly stressful.

I need a weekend away with just me and my Hipsterjack. I get to see him tomorrow, and I am super excited. :)

Updates soon.

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