Tension Headaches

 … I’m awake again in the middle of the night, after only going to bed 3 hours ago. I’m a mess.

I’m trying to fast again. It’s difficult to start when I’ve been eating like trash to cope with my issues. I’m ready to not eat when I’m emotionally needing something subconsciously.

I’m getting closer to the idea of going back to work. We will see. 

My head is killing me. Tension headaches. If I could NOT clench my teeth every 5 seconds that would be great. 

Anyway, I don’t have much to say. My sleep schedule is thrown so I’m out of touch with a lot. 

36

I am 36.

I spent my 36th birthday coming back from Jekyll Island from a wedding weekend. Nathan’s cousin got married at a 1 million dollar swanky event, so we had to go! After much work and bribing, we got Shaun and Bonnie to watch the boys for the weekend so we could enjoy it!

I can say that I did truly enjoy myself. I wasn’t comparing myself to other women, I got to dance with my husband, meet a ton of his family, eat good food, stay at a beachfront hotel, and walked along the beach one morning. It was a packed weekend because of all the wedding festivities and I’m exhausted but it was so fun.

This Thursday will be 2 weeks since increasing my meds and I think they’re working. I haven’t returned to work yet. My therapist wants me to stay out until October, but I don’t know if we can fiscally swing that. I have already had to ask my grandma for money which is incredibly humbling and simultaneously also humiliating. I’ve never had to ask for help financially since starting my career as a nurse. I’m prideful of that. 

This whole mental breakdown and reflection has been a lesson in humility, the kindness of others, and my faith in God. It’s hard. It’s hard to give up control when you’ve had to run a household and also 24 patients’ overall care. I’ve always had a “if you want it done right, you do it yourself” attitude - so it’s hard for me to sit and let God guide me. It’s very hard. 

As someone who doesn’t necessarily like to be alone with their thoughts for the most part (because it causes rumination and anxiety) sitting and waiting can be a nightmare. I pray and pray for help or an answer - and I’ve learned to also pray for patience. 

Not my strong suit. If I want something done, I want it done as fast as possible. This doesn’t happen most of the time with God’s timing. His timeline ain’t like ours (or so I’m told) so that’s where the faith and the patience comes in. 

I’m working on it. It’s a work in progress for sure. 

Nathan and I talked the whole way home, about 6 hours, about family, childhood, trauma, counseling, understanding each other and family better, and what we want for our family legacy. It was incredible. We hardly ever get to really have uninterrupted conversation anymore, and we learned a lot about each other I think. 

I am still struggling sleep-wise. 

I seem to get a nap of 2-3 hours in and then my body wants to wake up. Clearly some unresolved issues there. But I haven’t been taking my Atarax, as I am only trying to take the Zoloft. But I do know that if I need it, I need it. 

I was thinking about going down to see mom for a couple of days, but I don’t want to go alone. With children in school, it’s impossible to get anyone to watch them, which is totally understandable. That’s a lot. 

Kenny can’t go because his dog Luna just got bit by a copperhead and the vet bill ran him $2100. So he’s got to stay home and watch her and pick up extra shifts to pay off that, I’m sure. 

I don’t have any friends that I would be comfortable going on a soul searching trip with. 

I’d love to go to Jekyll again, but I don’t want to travel that far alone. I need the sun and the beach. It was very peaceful down there. 

Nathan and I were talking about how as we are getting older, we like the heat more, and could see ourselves really moving somewhere closer to the beach. Who knows. Life is too crazy right now to even think about it.

I’m going to try and maybe journal at night and see if it helps dump my brain before I sleep and maybe then I will be able to get a full night’s sleep and stop having these random naps. 

Work is looming over my head. Although I say that and I don’t physically feel any stress response - BUT - I know that my brain is smarter than me telling myself that I have to go back. I don’t know that I will have that panicked physiological response until I actually am scheduled to go back. I don’t know that I will be perfectly fine? I hope so. 

I do know that I will stay PRN when I return just to test the waters and probably nights at first because it’s SO much less busy at night. Plus it’s more money and I’m up all night basically right now anyway. 

Anyway. That’s my brain dump.

Insomnia

Well, the melatonin trick lasted approximately 2 whole nights. I went to bed around midnight, woke up around 4:30. 

At least I’m journaling.

And watching Hallmark movies.

I really wish I could sleep through the night.

But mentally, I feel better and better everyday. 

Yesterday we got out to Pike as a family so Nathan could get a bush. Surprisingly, the kids were really good for the most part. 

I have a wedding this weekend. 

I’m worried about it because Nathan looks so handsome and I have gained entirely too much weight. But I refuse to let those thoughts steal my joy.

I have 2 days without the kiddos and just my husband. I am praying for a wonderful weekend.

Working on Me

 It’s my second intentional journaling day. 

I woke up feeling surprisingly “good” - which I know is a relative term - but “good” for me feels like this:

- I can get out of bed and brush my teeth

- I can leave the house with my family for a short period of time before my nerves and the kids start to act up

- I can be patient with the kids

Not a crazy list right?

But let’s talk about depression and what that looks like for me. Most people think depression is sitting in a dark room alone. This isn’t true for most people with depression. We are out among you, faking our way through the day. 

This is what my depression looks like, on a “good” day like today:

- I got out of bed and brushed my teeth, but I didn’t change my clothes that I went to bed in, and I didn’t shower, and I didn’t make my bed.

- I left the house for a quick plant shopping run with the family, but I count down until bedtime so I can be alone. I struggle with this one a lot. My love for my children, but my need for solitude to collect my thoughts. It’s crushing.

- I can be patient with the kids, but when it gets too much, I have to isolate before I blow. See above.

- I binge eat a lot. Snacking is my go-to stress reliever. If I’m panic-attack level stressed, then I don’t eat at all. It swings both ways, but I’ve been in the binge eating stage lately and ballooned in weight. I’m being kind to myself despite this.

- My sleep cycle is so out of wack. I sleep basically in 3-4 hour increments. I experimented by adding melatonin at night, and it seemed to help a lot. Hoping it will get me more regular.

- I become a hypochondriac. Everything hurts, and could only be the worst possible diagnosis. As a nurse, I KNOW that this is irrational, but my body’s response is that of sheer panic.

- I start to get really self-conscious about my worth

- Everything can feel hazy, a little bit “not real”, like nothing really matters

- I will clarify that I have luckily and very thankfully never been suicidal or ever had a plan. (But if you do, please seek help. Your life is worth even more than you know)

Just being real. I have lost who I am as a person. Just over time. There was never really a huge shift, it just happened. 

I’m trying to find her again.

But today, being a “good” day depression-wise, things looked a lot less hazy, and a lot more clear. I actually giggled and felt a flash of a second of excitement and said “I feel good today!” - Nathan was happy.

But I’m a flash the excitement was gone, and back to the baseline. But I didn’t feel as fatigued while out, and I had more patience with the kids, which is telling me my new meds are helping. 

Depression is debilitating. Anxiety is debilitating. Both together is a war.

It is so easy to stay in bed.

It’s easy to have someone bring you food, so you never have to leave your room.

It’s easy to sleep all day.

It’s easy to isolate.

It’s easy to find a temporary release in food, sex, or another vice.

It’s H A R D to get up a put on a happy face and function.

It’s a struggle to cook food. I am still struggling with this. The motivation isn’t there.

It’s hard to maintain a normal sleep schedule so you can function with your family and society.

It takes EVERYTHING in my body to be around a group of people. I get so drained from interacting all day. It doesn’t mean I hate it, but I can’t do it all the time.

It is soul-crushingly hard to resist your vices when you are struggling and depressed. When depressed it feels like you’re in a constant need for your vices to feel SOMETHING. It can lead down a very unhealthy path, physical and emotionally. 

But I fail. I fail daily at functioning like a human who is emotionally and mentally whole.

My Grandmother told me that when she was about 30, she asked the Lord to enter her heart, and she said ever since then she had no anxiety or worry. And she’s truly right. I have never seen my Grandmother worry, even when my Dad passed. She trusted God. She still does.

I am jealous of people who can wake up and start their day and just function. Just be able to wake up refreshed and be out the door before noon. 

I am a a Christian, and I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior, but maybe I’m doing it wrong?

I am trying to attend church more, and get more involved. But right now recovering from burnout, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to even take on something new right now.

I am afraid of judgement, which I know is so silly at 35. But I am. 

Just a random rambling.

I hope to meet with my counselor this week and hopefully have an update.