devotion(als)

So, Nathan and I decided to start doing a couple's devotional. It's for people who are already married, but we can tweak it to be for those who are married-to-be! We want to base our marriage off of God and His teachings, so we are learning about what marriage is from that standpoint. We were reading about the difference between a contract and a covenant marriage, which was very interesting. We are leaning towards a convenant one ;)

Yesterday was fun! Nathan came over and we were going to go to church early, but we missed the service... we thought it was at 9:30 when it was in fact at 9. So, we got coffee and went to the store to pick up some food (Caprese bagels!) and went back to the house and did our devotional reading together which was awesome!

It's crazy to see how far we have come from this to where we are!

 What is not awesome, however, is how flipping itchy my face is.

I have had problems with zits (not entirely acne, and if it is it's not severe) my entire life. Well mostly after hitting puberty. ANYWAY, I am tired of it. I'm 25 (almost 26) years old! So, I went and got the 3 step system from Clinique, which worked wonders overnight, but it super dries my skin out, so my face is red and I want to take a sander to it to stop the itching! But, it looks like it's working, so I suppose I'll deal with it (first world problems).

I also got a Groupon to get my tattoo removed. Well, one of them. One that is tied to the "old" me and one that I don't want to carry into my marriage! It'll be nice to not have to hide my arm anymore! (Tattoos are not fun for nursing students or the professional workplace. I wish the younger me knew that). So, a nice clean (hopefully) slate. I know it will make Nathan happier, and in turn, myself. I've been on a better path the past couple of weeks, reading a lot about growing more comfortable with myself through God and giving up perfectionism and dreading the worst. I'm a happier and carefree-er me! I love love love it.

Seconds

Second post in one night. Oy.

It's late and I have a headache and I miss Nathan. I'm so sick of not being married. Like, make me cry, make my heart hurt, sick. I want to be able to cuddle with him every flipping night. There is no better feeling than when I am in his warm, strong arms with my face burrowed in his chest. It's home. I sleep better that way. I miss it :( I want to be able to do that. Every night forever. Fall asleep with him scratching my back or playing with my hair and me just hearing his heart beat. Perfect! It's perfect.

I just need him. I can seriously be happy with him. He's my comfort. He drives me crazy sometimes, and I him, but I love him. Everything. His smell, his voice, his laugh, everything! And I want all of that everyday. A year and 2 months is a long time. I want it to fly by so we can be married. Who would have thought that the cute boy I met on the Internet would turn out to be my future husband?! I guess I always hoped, but, holy cow! And that first date was the last first date of my life. And the last first kiss. He will be the one that takes care of me forever. It's crazy! I remember thinking, Christa, if this date doesn't go well, keep your head up. And look where it got me! We have had our storms for sure, some more terrible and scary than others, but we have made it. We have seen the calm and wonderful days, and I really want to keep those coming. We are both so excited to learn about God and growing with God in our lives. We have a lot to work on before we get married, but he said "I'm willing to do whatever it takes" and so am I. We want a relationship that's deep rooted and lasts a lifetime. We are both in agreement that premarital counseling is the best thing! I mean, what do we know? We've never been married before. We can only learn to not be our parents from watching then go through their hard times, but we aren't our parents. Where are the rules for this game in life? "Here is how to fix an argument" or "Here is how to stop them from ever happening again". Marriage is daunting. It's scary to me. Actually, it's super terrifying. But I want to take a leap of faith. I have faith that God lead me to the right person that he knew I was supposed to be with for one reason or another. And I love him. Dearly and deeply and truly.

verses

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.

There are days when I go completely crazy and I want to cry my eyes out and get away for a weekend of my own and pray and ask for everything to be revealed to me before I lose my head. Today was one of these days.

I have been enormously blessed for the past week and my prayers for peace and comfort have been answered. I have been the happiest I have been in awhile, and then today, I lost my peace. I think I am terrified of getting married and being "stuck". What happens if this isn't "right"? What happens if I get married and it's so much more difficult than it is now? I can't think of divorce as an option because I don't EVER want to have to go through that. I know I am just supposed to trust God, and I am truly trying, but sometimes not knowing is so stressful. I want to be married right now, immediately. I want to come home to Nathan every night and cook dinner, and be so happy. And at the same time I am so scared. Terrified that we will repeat our own parents' mistakes. I know no one is perfect, but oh how I pray for a happy, smooth sailing marriage.

Sometimes I find myself bartering with God. Telling him that I will never do such and such ever again or I WILL do so and so again just to find out SOMETHING. When I don't hear an answer I am not surprised. I know that's not how it works, yet I still find myself bartering. Over and over. Pleading and crying. I know in good time things will be resolved in one way or another, but it's SO hard to wait. Terribly hard. My gift of indecisiveness drives me insane sometimes. I never know what I want. For a career, in love, in life, etc. But how do I deal with it? I can pray I guess.

Prayers.

I need prayers for my cousin Zach, who found out that he had a tumor in his lung the size of a tennis ball. We are praying it isn't cancer, but if it is, we pray that it hasn't spread and can be treated.

love + growth

Nathan and I had an "old date". This meant meeting in Commerce, getting dinner, paroosing for books and shopping the outlet mall, and getting coffee and talking for hours, like we did when we were just starting to date and our love was just a little bud waiting to bloom!

It was my favorite night. Well, so far for this year. Yes, even better than my engagement night. See, I cherish and love the night of my engagement. I didn't know it was going to happen and he asked me to be his wife forever, but! Tonight. We talked so long about happy and wonderful things and about our growth in God and spirituality and how we want to raise our children and our ideals and how we want to learn from our parents and still be in love with each other even when we are 95 and date each other and surprise each other. We talked a lot about God. We both are going to read a lot and hold each other accountable of things. I fell deeper in love with this intelligent, spiritual, God fearing and convicted man tonight. His want to do everything "right" helps me with my growth, and if we have each others' backs we will do wonderfully.

I was listening to Chris Rice today (as I do often) and one line struck me and it hit home very much. In the song "Prone to Wander" he says "Freedom from myself will be the sweetest rest I've ever known". It's so true. I am my own worst enemy, and once I have this freedom, I will be able to be happy and carefree. Today was one of those days, and I was truly happy an enjoyed every second I was with Nathan. Not a worry crossed my mind and we didn't speak about wedding plans! It was a genuine date, one where we could enjoy each other and talk and laugh and take the stress away.

I am in love.
With God and Nathan and where my life and relationships and outlooks on life are going.

Thank you thank you thank you, God.