I'm married!

I'm a married woman! I have to write a more in depth blog about how awesome the day was and our honeymoon was! But I'm married to the handsomest man with the best beard and I'm happy happy happy! 

18 days and 14 hours

Until I get married! Freaky cool!

Nathan is off at a school fair (well was yesterday) so he had to spend the night and I miss him! It's been a long while since I have been without him! It seems that I can't sleep without him. I had a terrifying dream the other day. Nathan and I had gone to lay down for a nap and my brain decided to give me some terror. 

In my dream Nathan and I were shooting a wedding. Something happened where he was frustrating me, and I told him to go outside. I remember everyone just running outside and a crowd gathered. No one said anything other than the EMT: "he's dead". In my dream I just kept saying "no" over and over again and no one would let me get to him. Those words just over and over in my ears... I woke up in a deep sleep stupor and looked over at Nathan and I just started sobbing. He woke up and seemed terrified to see me like that. 

I have never done that before. I have never woken up and been so relieved and terrified at the same time that I literally sobbed. All I could think was "I cannot lose this man". Even when I KNEW he was there with me in the bed just sleeping away. Even though I knew it was a dream, it makes me realize how precious everything is. Well it reiterates it. I already know. 

I go to sign all of my papers with the hospital this morning. I am so relieved but scared at the same time. This opposite shift in schedules scares us both. I know that we can make it. But we both want at least the first year of marriage to be an easier one! This will make it a bit harder, but we need it. I can't believe I have reached this point in our lives. I have a BSN and I have a real job. I still feel like a student. I still feel like a kid.

I am about to start a new life as a wife. And soon (hopefully) a mom. Which throws everything else into perspective as our parents will be GRANDPARENTS and our grandparents will be GREAT grandparents. Our siblings will be uncles. The focus of things will be shifted to our Gift and not immediately on each other. I hope we will grow from it and not crumble. 

Life is hard and unexpected. But I am excited for it. I'm excited for all of these things to happen. I think way ahead and think about becoming grandparents. That blows my mind. But it will happen one day! I hope. 

All of these things run through my head as I am about to walk down the aisle in almost 2 weeks. I can't wait for that. I cannot wait to be with this man for the rest of our lives! To start a new chapter together. I always thought I'd be married by 21. Here I am at 27, joining with my love. I thought I'd have a baby by now. But I am trying to relax and enjoy the alone time that we will have as husband and wife before that happens. 

I am just ranting because I can't sleep. 

I miss Nathan. I can't wait for him to be home tomorrow (today!).

24 days

We got another baby cat! Meet Pepper (we call her Peppit)

I made a really good stew the other night. I need to utilize the crock pot more! 

24 days until I get married... 

I got a job at the health department. Today I have to tell them that I can't take it. I was offered my dream job! I did my practicum on the General Surgery floor at  a wonderful hospital here in Athens. It will be a night shift position, but Nathan and I talked about it and it will be a great thing for me and us together. Short term plan: Nathan will get back into school so he can do what he loves, and I can put away some money. Long term: do my year even if I hate it and then do what I want and have babies. 

But really, I'm really blessed. I'm up so early because I have this inner turmoil about telling them at the health department that I resign before I even started. It just doesn't seem like "me". But I guess it's better I tell them now than wait. The way this dream job of mine fell into my lap quite unexpectedly last night. I got an offer over the phone from the unit director, and I just can't pass it up. I really fell in love with it while I was there, and unfortunately there just wasn't a position open. But now there is! They are comfortable with our honeymoon date as well, so I am very happy and my entire family, my fiancé, and his mom, and my gut, tell me it's the right thing to do. 

God is blessing Nathan and I in some totally unexpected wonderful ways! 

I can't wait to get married! I do feel like night shift will be hard, but, I made it through nursing school with Nathan and I feel like we can make it for at least a little while as I start to learn the night shift! I also get to be first on the list to go to day shift if someone else leaves, etc. which makes me very happy!

I know this is scary, and I hate to turn down something I already agreed to, and it really hurts my heart, but like my friend said; "it's just business". 

I love God and I love Nathan and I love everything right now! 

24 days!

27?!?!

I'm old. I'm so close to 30 it hurts! But, I'm so so so happy!

I'm getting married in 31 days! I'm still praying daily for a job, but my hopes are high! Nathan made my day really special. He bought me a really cute jewelry holder that's a silver tree, and then he cooked me the tastiest dinner of oysters Rockefeller, Cajun chicken breast, and garlic mashed potatoes! It was the best I've ever had! I love him so so much. I can't wait to be his Mrs! 

Then I got my hair done! For the first time in a year and a half! 

It's a little "ombre" or whatever. But I love it! Counting down until our wedding day and honeymoon... 

Biggest Test!

I have registered to take the NCLEX August 12th!

The biggest test of my entire life (besides the big pregnancy test one day where I have the beginnings of a little O'Brien).

Prayers are needed! I can't wait to become a nurse!

I know I said I would never go back to school... but I have been looking at graduate school.
I'm probably crazy.

Who knows!

59 Days!

Until I get married!

I don't remember the last time I blogged, so I don't remember what I blogged about! Wonderful things are happening in my life! I had my pinning ceremony last night, which technically makes me a graduate! I'm so happy that I am actually at this point! I got an award as well for starting off nursing school kind of nervous and unsure and then ending up really confident and awesome ;) Basically ;)

I had an interview for the health department yesterday! I am praying about that!

Nathan took me on a surprise trip to Myrtle Beach for a graduation present and took me out to eat at a really nice restaurant on a pier, and we walked the beach at night and I joked that this would have been the perfect time for him to ask me to marry him, and then he said "well, if I was going to do it again" and got down on one knee and ask me to marry him again with a gorgeous pair of earrings he had in his pocket! I love him so much! It was such a wonderful surprise!

Happiness

We closed on the house!
We bought a bed!
I have a job interview!
Nathan might take a different position!
More weddings are happening!

OUR wedding is in 114 days!
My girls are getting their dresses.
We ordered our favors.

I can't wait!

Sweet

My swot is scratching my back and it's raining outside.
Although he is complaining that it makes his arm tired.
I guess that's sweet.

Long Time!

I haven't written in a long long time!

Let's see... Nathan celebrated his 26th birthday this month! I love that old man ;)
We celebrated by going to Six Flags, shooting guns at a shooting range, and going to see Jurassic Park 3D at the Movie Tavern and ate tons of food! It was so awesome! I actually LIKED shooting! (and I might even be better than Nathan at it!)

Also, we bought a house! OMG! It's so perfect! Room for Nathan's piano and my photography stuff and for babies when we want to have them! Space for friends to come over, trees in the yard, a quiet neighborhood... it's really perfect. God has blessed us with this one! I can't wait to get this closing done and move on in! It's a wonderful thing!

We are down to 146 days until we get married... oh my! I have got to get on this diet/running business, but Nathan makes that hard! He wants super delicious food that I can't eat! ;)

I have one final down, two to go. I made a B in pediatrics, and we will see about the others! I know I made an A in my issues class, but I am worried about tomorrow's test (which is why I should be studying but I can't!).

I finished my capstone! Thank goodness.

Nathan and I have both learned to let go more and be with each other. It's been so wonderful.

There are hard things happening too, but we are making it. Nathan is becoming this incredible man that I have only ever read about. This valiant, wonderful, strong man who is emotionally stable and trustworthy and providing. I feel at home in his arms and I miss him so much when he's gone! He's my best friend and becoming the most wonderful person I could have ever been lucky to have met! I can't wait for a lifetime of him!

Support

Yesterday was a hard day for me.
For a long time I have been battling stomach issues and I have been putting off tests and procedures because I was afraid of what I might find. After being diagnosed at 17 with ulcerative colitis, a chronic disease that I will have for the rest of my life, I have always been very self conscious about telling anyone about it. I really can't remember when I told Nathan about it. Maybe he can, but I certainly can't remember. The point is, when I told him, he wasn't freaked out or worried or grossed out. He encouraged me about 3 months ago to go get a test to see how it's going, since I was supposed to be getting annual exams. I haven't had one in 10 years.
So, the day before yesterday I went through the awful prep and yesterday I had the procedure. I was terrified. I thought for sure I would have colon cancer or something else. I got a clean bill of health. Hearing that almost made me cry out of happiness. What was better is that the doctor doesn't necessarily think I even have ulcerative colitis. The best part: Nathan was there during my worrying, holding my hand and praying with me. He admitted to me he was scared. And we were scared together. It meant more than anything to me to have him there and be the biggest support to me. To come with me, to hold my hand, to drive me around, to help me into the house. He truly cared for me in one of my lowest points.
I love him so much and I never ever want to take that for granted.

Answered Prayers!

Things have been so wonderful lately! Kind of. My relationships are better, especially with Nathan! Better, richer, more fun, and full of love! We are looking for a house to buy to move into when we get married! We moved up the date a month. September 22nd! So soon! So wonderful!
Honeymoon is booked! 7 days in St. Lucia! So excited!
Marriage counseling is wonderful.
School is getting crazy hard.
Work is winding down so I can focus more on school/photography/wedding things.
That's all :)

Scared

Life has been a roller coaster lately.

I've got a lot of learning to do.
I'm a scared person;
A terrified human being.
I'm praying a lot, and things are stable at the moment, but who knows what will happen.
I'm scared.

How do you protect yourself? From everything?
I pray, and for now I am okay.
Things are better than they have been in a long time.
But I'm scared.

I'm scared of being with someone forever even if it's the person I've loved the most my entire life.
I'm scared of nursing school and what comes after.
I'm scared of missing things because I'm scared.
I'm too stubborn to let walls down because I'm scared.

New wedding date: September 22nd
and I'm scared.

I love my best friend, and I want us to be so happy. But I'm scared...
I'm praying a lot. I need for God to take this feeling away that has made a home in the pit of my stomach. Inadequacy. Failure. Perfectionism. Fear. Insecurity. Self loathing. It's all very awful, and very real.

In moments of weakness I find myself anxious ridden and making myself sick both mentally and physically. I want to be all he needs. I want to be the perfect wife. I want to be fun. I want to be responsible. I want to make money. I want to not care about what I eat but look perfect. I want to be everything that he wants. I want to be desired. I want to be successful. I want to be prized. I want to be loved and needed. It's hard.

And I get scared.

I hope things stay and get better.
I need them to.

Bizarre

My sleep schedules are so bizarre.

I just kept having dreams about camera lenses and eating beef jerky. So I woke up and ate some beef jerky. At least it's only 100 calories per bag!

I have a clinical tomorrow for only like 5 hours, but I have to play with a bunch of children! Oy! God has been blessing me by way of my photography. I love Him and the opportunities He is bringing me. I have to remind myself that this is from Him, and it is the sweetest thing. Nathan has been a wonderful support as well. I think we are both carrying each other in the right direction of where we want to be. I can't wait to hear Nathan's music!

I CANT SLEEP

I've got clinicals from 6-6 tomorrow but I can't sleep. Benedryl, come to my rescue!

I have passed all of my tests so far in Nursing school.
I have a few PAID weddings booked.
I have the best man in my life.

Nathan got me The Pioneer Woman's cookbook and I love it! I can't wait to make something hearty out of there!

It's been a little weird lately. My life that is. Insecurity has sprouted up around me, but not necessarily IN me as I am used to. It's refreshing to feel that others feel the same way about things, and it's refreshing to make other people understand what you were feeling. I have been praying a lot lately. Never as much as I should, but I am trying. I am trying to be a happier, fuller person. It's working.

Nathan brings so much light into my life. I can't wait to marry him! He is my partner, standing beside me! Never behind or in front of me. He is my inspiration, my motivation, and I value him so much! He has really lifted me out of some dark times. For that, and every other reason, I am so grateful!

Prayers all around for everyone.
Especially those in crisis.You know who you are.

Anniversary

Today marks 2 years since Nathan and I first met! First date went a little like this: I got ready about 2 hours ahead of time. I took the time to super straighten my then long hair, and put my pretty girl makeup on. We were going to meet somewhere in the halfway point from where we both lived - about 70 miles away from each other. We were set to meet at Starbucks, the perfect first date spot! I went to Barnes and Noble and got a table in the Starbucks nearest the window so I could see him in real life from afar before we met. See, we met online. I got a text some time later asking where I was. I was at the wrong Starbucks. Mortifying! He said he would come to me (what a gentleman) and I got to see him from 2 stories up walking to meet me. I had a butterfly circus going on in my belly! He came in with his hands nervously in his pockets and sat down. That was the beginning of forever. It gives me goosebumps and brings tears to my eyes to think about that. That was our last first date ever! God had us in mind from the start, and it is a wonderful feeling. It hasn't been the easiest 2 years. We have had some severe losses and hardships, but we have also grown a lot and made a lot of things happen together too. Life has been hard lately. Money problems, life problems, work problems... but we will overcome everything together! I am so happy to call Nathan my fiance, and I cannot WAIT for him to be my husband. I have lucked out with the sweetest, most thoughtful, manly, handsome, funny, strong, caring man in the entire world. I have been blessed.

For Nathan

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Happiness

Somehow I am still awake.

I woke up at 4:00 in the morning and it is now after midnight!
I did my first clinical in NICU today and fell in love.
I want to work with these precious babies!
Things have been better! School is pretty good, my photography has been picking up, and I'm getting actual PAID things! Incredible.
Nathan and I have reached this fantastic level of love. It's a wonderful thing: true love.

Photos

So my photography is one of my best most favorite things in the world right now. I am missing my fiancé (he's on a business trip), so editing and putting my photos up is fun. I have noticed though, that since the Internet can be anonymous, no one has any reservations about making negative comments about anyone's work. It's impersonal, so they don't think about what they say or how it effects that person. Of course, I was pretty hurt after the first few negative comments I received about my lighting or posing, but then I realized, I am not a bad photographer; I know that I am quite good. My style will not be everyone else's style. It's making me have tougher skin, and Nathan is really good about making me feel better. He doesn't want me to give up, which gives me strength. It's hard to get critical non-constructive comments though. Especially about something that you're very excited about and try really hard to master. I know I have a lot to learn; but I have to start somewhere. Tomorrow I have another bridal session. Those are my favorite! It'll be an actual husband/wife shoot, which is exciting!

Also, Nathan comes home.
I want to kiss him and eat 60 munchkin donuts in the bed.

Sunday I have 3 shoots. It'll be a busy weekend. But I am blessed, and thankful, and even during the hard times, I try to remember that God has my heart in his sight and he's got the best coming for me. Even when people are trying to make me upset. God made me a photographer and a nurse and an almost wife and a sister and a daughter and a best friend. He can take me through it all.

Bloop

Things are ok.
Some things are better than others.
Financially, I'm a mess. Prayers for that.
Photography is one of my most favorite things and I'm so lucky to have a fiancé that is eager and willing to help me.
I'm going to miss Nathan terribly while he's gone for almost 3 days.
I need prayers for a better job, for us both, and for more photography business.

Amen.

Love

I am writing this blog from my brand new, shiny ultrabook that was gifted to me by my sweet fiance!

We have 292 days to finish planning this wedding... and tie the knot!

I didn't make any real resolutions for this year. Maybe that's a good thing? But I think I'll set some for myself:
- Put some actual paid photography sessions on my calendar.
- Love myself.
- Let Nathan love me completely.
- Grow closer to God.
- Pray more deliberately.
- Become an honorable wife!
- Graduate nursing school... and find a job.
- Surprise Nathan more.
- Become a better sister & daughter.

These are just some things.
There are things that I WANT to do/have as well:

- Obtain a Canon 85mm 1.8 lens.
- Lose 10 pounds.
- Love more.
- LONG HAIR.

I think this year is my year. I'm going to try and make it that way, anyway.