Scared

Life has been a roller coaster lately.

I've got a lot of learning to do.
I'm a scared person;
A terrified human being.
I'm praying a lot, and things are stable at the moment, but who knows what will happen.
I'm scared.

How do you protect yourself? From everything?
I pray, and for now I am okay.
Things are better than they have been in a long time.
But I'm scared.

I'm scared of being with someone forever even if it's the person I've loved the most my entire life.
I'm scared of nursing school and what comes after.
I'm scared of missing things because I'm scared.
I'm too stubborn to let walls down because I'm scared.

New wedding date: September 22nd
and I'm scared.

I love my best friend, and I want us to be so happy. But I'm scared...
I'm praying a lot. I need for God to take this feeling away that has made a home in the pit of my stomach. Inadequacy. Failure. Perfectionism. Fear. Insecurity. Self loathing. It's all very awful, and very real.

In moments of weakness I find myself anxious ridden and making myself sick both mentally and physically. I want to be all he needs. I want to be the perfect wife. I want to be fun. I want to be responsible. I want to make money. I want to not care about what I eat but look perfect. I want to be everything that he wants. I want to be desired. I want to be successful. I want to be prized. I want to be loved and needed. It's hard.

And I get scared.

I hope things stay and get better.
I need them to.