Rock Bottom? Not yet…

 I didn’t look to see when the last time I posted. I imagine some time last year.

It’s been rough. Not going to lie. 

Since I had my hives/stress breakout last July, it’s evolved into full body erythrodermic psoriasis. But it’s only since November since we figured out it was psoriasis that was slowly taking over my body, and only within the last month or so have we landed on the specific diagnosis of erythrodermic psoriasis. 

It’s caused ER visits due to insane itching to where I was making myself bleed (I have scars now on my hip…), shock from fluid shifts that cause my heart rate to fly into the 160’s and wouldn’t come down without steroids and fluids. 

I got started on Skyrizi. I have my second shot Monday. 

I am also doing a protocol to get rid of the COVID protein spike? So, my psoriasis rash is starting to get “better” but I don’t know what it’s due to. So I’m going to finish both treatments and see.

Haven’t been able to work consistently in months. 

It’s hard.

I feel like a burden.

Nathan tells me I’m not, but our whole house is stressed right now.

I’m trying to find another job that would allow me to not do patient care. Praying for that. 

I do know that God has a plan for me. I don’t know what it is, but He has one. I’m just praying it becomes apparent soon. 

Kids are sweet. 

Right now we are all sick with some kind of flu-like thing. Coughing and snot and body aches. I was spiking a temp so that’s why I’m awake. Went down to take some Tylenol and was real disoriented. I knew I had a fever. 100 ish. Not crazy but enough to mess me up apparently. 

Poor Ethan threw up last night :( Benjamin came in to tell us like the sweet big brother that he is. 

Charlie keeps me guessing! That stinking 3 year old was reading road signs the other day! So smart. He is too smart for his own good I think. 

Nathan and I just celebrated our 13th Valentine’s Day together! It’s our 10 year anniversary this year too, so I’m praying for complete healing, a steady career to fit my new normal, and for a way for us to celebrate. 

I really want to see a therapist. I had a counselor who was great; but I think I need to see a psychiatrist to help me dig deep and figure out why I have such horrendous anxiety. 

The thought of being alone and without Nathan is terrifying to me. This all started after that mess in the summer. I’m sure it has to do with PTSD and me wanting someone around because all of these events happen without warning. But I need to talk to someone. I used to be a very confident, independent woman. Now I don’t go anywhere unless it’s with Nathan and the kids. It’s bizarre. 

I’m sweaty, fever is breaking. I am going to try to sleep.

Pray pray pray.

Panic attack

 I’m trying to document real time so I can remember my symptoms. Facial and hand numbness, difficult to get a full deep breath, tremors, panic. I just took .5 of the last Ativan that I have left. 

I hope I’m not having a stroke. 

I’m hesitant to go to the ER because it’s like basically I KNOW it’s anxiety, but I hate this. It feels like such a setback in an otherwise “right track” progression. 

I am starting to feel “normal” - interested in nature, my children, etc. As sad as that is, it’s progress and I was so happy. 

Nathan thinks it’s because I had 2 cups of coffee on an empty stomach. This is probably true. 

But if I am telling myself these things and I do truly believe them, then why is my body reacting physically like it is. Absolute panic. It’s awful. 

How can I function like this?

All we did was go to Hobby Lobby and I had a breakdown. Like immediately had to leave. 

The kids were amazing, Nathan was good, it’s a beautiful day… who knows. 

Prayers needed. 

Antidepressants

 It’s been 2 weeks since my increase in Zoloft and I’m feeling more like myself. I’m not nearly where I was, but it’ll take time. 

I’m still praying and asking God what I am supposed to do. I know it’s such a broad question. But He knows!

I feel kind of lost. I don’t know what I want to do as a nurse. Or do I even want to be a nurse? I do… I think. I truly enjoy that feeling of making someone’s day. 

I’m really interested in psychology, more like therapy. I’d love to get involved in that somehow. I feel like I can be really therapeutic when I’m in my element! Haha. 

I’m just going to keep praying and asking for guidance.

Tension Headaches

 … I’m awake again in the middle of the night, after only going to bed 3 hours ago. I’m a mess.

I’m trying to fast again. It’s difficult to start when I’ve been eating like trash to cope with my issues. I’m ready to not eat when I’m emotionally needing something subconsciously.

I’m getting closer to the idea of going back to work. We will see. 

My head is killing me. Tension headaches. If I could NOT clench my teeth every 5 seconds that would be great. 

Anyway, I don’t have much to say. My sleep schedule is thrown so I’m out of touch with a lot.