the happiest

Well, I had a busy day!

No sleep (because of Tango...) and then I went on a cleaning rampage to eradicate these little flea bastardos that have been inhabiting on my couch and my cat. I sprayed all the baseboards, and bombed the house and washed and vacuumed everywhere with flea powder. I am PRAYING so hard that I have finally killed these things.

After that I went to the gym and realized how out of shape I am, and then Nate came over and we made stuffed peppers, and went to Menchies and cuddled and just hung out at home and sang and laughed and it was the most perfect. I love nights like this one. Just being with him makes me realize what a lucky soul I am to have a wonderful man like Nathan. He's selfless and wonderful and just does his best to make me happy, and I try to do the same for him, but wow. He knocks it out of the park! He's just the sweetest and I love nothing more than looking at him and just taking it all in while we are just relaxing.

He's got my heart!

questions & such

     Is it weird to be put off by marriage talk even though I really want to be married?

     I know that it's because we have been talking about it for so long that I just feel like it's just a topic of conversation and not really ever going to happen. So, talking about it makes me sad and automatically get apathetic, where it should make my ovaries hurt and yearn for children and to be an old married couple. I think when I actually get engaged one day it will finally hit me. I'll get that fairytale wedding brain and butterflies in my stomach and see it happening. For now, it just makes me sad. How I yearn to have a husband share my bed with me every night and wake up to that same face every morning for the rest of my life. I see so many of my friends and family living this fantasy of mine and I feel so left behind and old. It's dumb and pointless of me to compare, I know. I don't even necessarily want The Day. The expensive, pretty, day where everything is supposed to go picture perfectly and families join as one. I want the aftermath. I just want the husband and the house. So do I stay apathetic and talk about it, or just pretend like it's not ever going to happen, which will in turn make the relationship pointless if I'm not thinking about marriage? This just seems like a never-ending cycle of sad.

encrypted elabortion on marriage questions/frustrations.

     Also, What is "happy" in a relationship? To me, all relationships need work and are not going to be butterflies and pony babies with kittens all the time. I understand that, and I have no problem with that, and that's pretty much reality.

(more encrypted text, but this time about happiness)

     I think I need to go to pre-pre-marriage counseling. Or hypothetical pre-marriage counseling. I need to make sure that whoever I marry is The One and I don't end up divorced. I need to be married for life. It is what I believe in, and what I was built for. I'm like a turtle dove. Or something.

 

     That song, Why Should the Fire Die by Nickel Creek makes me cry every time I hear it. It's just wonderful. The lines "Why should the fire die? My mom and dad kept theirs alive" makes me cry and makes me fast forward in my head and see myself with my husband in our 60's still so in love and working to make it wonderful after many years. I love it.

I have blogged two long blogs today.
I'm spent.

soup for breakfast

It's weird and all, but it works when you're sick.

I'm going on day 7 (Nathan is on day 9) of being sick. Everyday there is a new symptom it seems, or at least, things are getting worse. I can breathe out of my nose now, but my cough has reached croup-like status, and i have terrible cramps and and and... it's just awful. And if Nathan is any indication of what this thing will be like for me, I have at least another 2 days of this mess. It's terrible. All I can be grateful for is that I am not in nursing school, or doing an externship. I feel like I would have failed out by now and gotten fired. It's heavily debilitating. The day before yesterday I slept for 4 hours during the day and then slept all night. It's ridiculous.

I had the biggest breakfast yesterday! Nate made me a waffle (which I haven't had in year and years) and I had a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit, and fruit. It doesn't seem that huge, but those carbs had me going ALL day. Then we sat in the bed and drank tea and cuddled. It was wonderful :)

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do while I'm "young". I really want to travel. I have never been past West Virginia at the furthest, and I would love to go see Oregon, Colorado, Washington, California, even Texas! Just anywhere! I would love to see everything and take everything God has made! Why should I be limited to one coast? I shouldn't! Waking up to these different places would be wonderful and an experience of growth I believe. Like you leave home to find home. How can I know where I'm happiest if I never look?

Ahh. I would love it!

I also want to hike at least part of the AT, preferably with Nathan. You would super get to know each other better, that's for sure! I know at times I would hate it. Absolutely hate it and want to give up. But having encouragement and knowing how far I have hiked and knowing how awesome my legs would be at the end of it might be enough to keep me going!

I want to super travel oversees too. I'd love to just backpack across Europe for like a month, just taking in everything. Italy, Ireland, France, Japan, Germany, Greece, Spain... all of it! The architecture over there would be amazing to see, and I feel like it would be really moving. Just to know that hundreds and thousands of years ago these things were built for their beauty and not for their efficiency like over here. The top place I would love to go would be Israel. It really sucks that things are dangerous over there because I feel like that would be the best moment of my life. Seeing where my Savior was born and walked and taught. It gives me shivers! I'd probably cry the whole time like a baby.

There are SO many things that I even want to do here! All those times that Nathan and I just sit at home when we could be walking the Greenway, or visiting the botanical gardens, or exploring Athens, or Madison, or going to the Aquarium, or the World of Coke, or the Renaissance Fair, or visiting our coffee shop, or having a picnic. I just want to explore!

I am a very torn person. A lot of me is a homebody, and then there is a part of me that just loves to travel and run away from everything. I'm afraid that if I didn't have Nathan I would live my life as a nomad, taking crappy part time jobs everywhere just so I could save up enough money to go go go go. Life gets overwhelming and I want to escape. It's bizarre. Why would I want to run from everything I know to somewhere that I know nothing about? Maybe the newness of it all would be more overwhelming and would take my mind off of it. I don't know.

Enough of my ramblings.

trust/anxiety/issues

I'm having issues again.

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