Insomnia

Well, the melatonin trick lasted approximately 2 whole nights. I went to bed around midnight, woke up around 4:30. 

At least I’m journaling.

And watching Hallmark movies.

I really wish I could sleep through the night.

But mentally, I feel better and better everyday. 

Yesterday we got out to Pike as a family so Nathan could get a bush. Surprisingly, the kids were really good for the most part. 

I have a wedding this weekend. 

I’m worried about it because Nathan looks so handsome and I have gained entirely too much weight. But I refuse to let those thoughts steal my joy.

I have 2 days without the kiddos and just my husband. I am praying for a wonderful weekend.

Working on Me

 It’s my second intentional journaling day. 

I woke up feeling surprisingly “good” - which I know is a relative term - but “good” for me feels like this:

- I can get out of bed and brush my teeth

- I can leave the house with my family for a short period of time before my nerves and the kids start to act up

- I can be patient with the kids

Not a crazy list right?

But let’s talk about depression and what that looks like for me. Most people think depression is sitting in a dark room alone. This isn’t true for most people with depression. We are out among you, faking our way through the day. 

This is what my depression looks like, on a “good” day like today:

- I got out of bed and brushed my teeth, but I didn’t change my clothes that I went to bed in, and I didn’t shower, and I didn’t make my bed.

- I left the house for a quick plant shopping run with the family, but I count down until bedtime so I can be alone. I struggle with this one a lot. My love for my children, but my need for solitude to collect my thoughts. It’s crushing.

- I can be patient with the kids, but when it gets too much, I have to isolate before I blow. See above.

- I binge eat a lot. Snacking is my go-to stress reliever. If I’m panic-attack level stressed, then I don’t eat at all. It swings both ways, but I’ve been in the binge eating stage lately and ballooned in weight. I’m being kind to myself despite this.

- My sleep cycle is so out of wack. I sleep basically in 3-4 hour increments. I experimented by adding melatonin at night, and it seemed to help a lot. Hoping it will get me more regular.

- I become a hypochondriac. Everything hurts, and could only be the worst possible diagnosis. As a nurse, I KNOW that this is irrational, but my body’s response is that of sheer panic.

- I start to get really self-conscious about my worth

- Everything can feel hazy, a little bit “not real”, like nothing really matters

- I will clarify that I have luckily and very thankfully never been suicidal or ever had a plan. (But if you do, please seek help. Your life is worth even more than you know)

Just being real. I have lost who I am as a person. Just over time. There was never really a huge shift, it just happened. 

I’m trying to find her again.

But today, being a “good” day depression-wise, things looked a lot less hazy, and a lot more clear. I actually giggled and felt a flash of a second of excitement and said “I feel good today!” - Nathan was happy.

But I’m a flash the excitement was gone, and back to the baseline. But I didn’t feel as fatigued while out, and I had more patience with the kids, which is telling me my new meds are helping. 

Depression is debilitating. Anxiety is debilitating. Both together is a war.

It is so easy to stay in bed.

It’s easy to have someone bring you food, so you never have to leave your room.

It’s easy to sleep all day.

It’s easy to isolate.

It’s easy to find a temporary release in food, sex, or another vice.

It’s H A R D to get up a put on a happy face and function.

It’s a struggle to cook food. I am still struggling with this. The motivation isn’t there.

It’s hard to maintain a normal sleep schedule so you can function with your family and society.

It takes EVERYTHING in my body to be around a group of people. I get so drained from interacting all day. It doesn’t mean I hate it, but I can’t do it all the time.

It is soul-crushingly hard to resist your vices when you are struggling and depressed. When depressed it feels like you’re in a constant need for your vices to feel SOMETHING. It can lead down a very unhealthy path, physical and emotionally. 

But I fail. I fail daily at functioning like a human who is emotionally and mentally whole.

My Grandmother told me that when she was about 30, she asked the Lord to enter her heart, and she said ever since then she had no anxiety or worry. And she’s truly right. I have never seen my Grandmother worry, even when my Dad passed. She trusted God. She still does.

I am jealous of people who can wake up and start their day and just function. Just be able to wake up refreshed and be out the door before noon. 

I am a a Christian, and I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior, but maybe I’m doing it wrong?

I am trying to attend church more, and get more involved. But right now recovering from burnout, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to even take on something new right now.

I am afraid of judgement, which I know is so silly at 35. But I am. 

Just a random rambling.

I hope to meet with my counselor this week and hopefully have an update.

Times, they are a’changin’

 It’s been a long time since I have journaled. 

To be honest, the only reason that I am back is because I had a nervous breakdown and my therapist says one of my goals is to journal. 

I don’t know why I quit.

Actually I DO. Life. 

Life update: 

Russia invaded Ukraine, China is talking about invading Taiwan, and the US is at a 40 year inflation high. COVID 19 wrecked havoc on the US healthcare system causing millions to die and contributed to tons of burnout (mine included). Also during this time Ethan flooded the house that we just moved into causing 30k in water damage and 6 weeks rental hopping with 3 children. I transferred from med-surg to cath lab, back to med-surg, to an educator, back to med-surg as a manager, and recently stepped down to take a prn position.  It’s a great time to be alive, folks… (so much sarcasm)

Nathan is a fully stay at home dad, which is amazing for us, but also hard on me being the sole financial provider. But it is still the life we want! 

The kids started school last week: Benjamin in 2nd and Ethan started kindergarten. So now we just have Charlie home during the day, which is a nice adjustment.

I stepped down from a short lived manager position. I realized very quickly that the higher you climb the ladder, the more drama comes with it. Which leads me into the nervous breakdown.

I asked for help for months (read: BEGGED) from work and gave ideas and suggestions about how to lighten the workload. I was met with silence. I resigned and went prn in an emotional breakdown moment. About 2 weeks after that, I broke out in hives, requiring a visit to the urgent care. I received epinephrine (once IM and once IV!!!! Even though I questioned this as a nurse, the physician assured me it was okay - I learned later it is NOT okay.) which then bought me a trip to the ER and overnight observation. I developed PTSD and compounded with work stress, I had 3 panic attacks that resulted in ED visits. I have been working with my PCP who is amazing, on some meds and therapy. 

We don’t really know what caused the hives, but aside from a random mini breakdown a week later, I have been hive-free. So we all think it’s related to stress.

Hence the journaling. 

Life got too busy I guess. I also think I fell so hard into depression due to work burnout that I didn’t know where to find joy in my life. 

Journaling and writing helps. Walking helps. 

I’m still trying to find what brings me joy. 

At 35 (soon to be 36!) as a wife, mother to 3 beautiful boys, and nurse, I have lost who I am as an individual. I just feel so routine right now and that I’m just here to make money and provide. Which is fine, I am here to do that, but I have lost the individual and the joy in my role. So I am trying to find that. 

I can happily say that after 2 weeks of an increased dose of some antidepressants, I feel a little bit more like myself. A little bit. I can’t focus on anything worth a damn. That’s my biggest complaint right now. 

Mental health is so important, y’all. 

I preach it to everyone, literally, but I didn’t do it for MYSELF. 

I am someone who considers themselves mentally “strong”. I am suspicious, knowledgeable, not-gullible, and have been through a lot. I never ever thought in my entire life that I would be the one to have a nervous breakdown of sorts. But I did. 

I’m in it. Right now. Not breaking down, but rebuilding. Hopefully coming out of the other side stronger than before. 

I have always been burdened with anxiety, and I’ve always thought that I’ve “coped” well. I internalize. I don’t let people know when I’m stressed. When a patient codes, and we are trying to get them back, my heart is beating through my chest, but you wouldn’t know it by my face. You have to keep a level head, always. 

I have had panic attacks before, few and far between and have always been able to fix the situation. Either crying my eyes out in the shower for a minute, or just talking myself down in my head and taking deep breaths. Normal right? (It’s not)

But when I came home from the hospital, my heart rate was consistently over 120s, heading into the 170’s. I called EMS. I begged for a fluid bolus, and my heart rate went down. I couldn’t talk myself out of this panic. I was working myself up MORE. This was opposite of everything I’ve ever felt. I was so hyper aware. I could feel my heart beating fast, and was that chest pain? My jaw is hurting… that’s a sign of a heart attack in women… I’m dying. 

I did leave out the traumatic part of the urgent care story.

Long story short, when the nurse pushed the IV epinephrine under supervision of the physician, my heart rate jumped to over 200, I couldn’t breathe, and when I looked down, my feet were so pale. I knew I wasn’t perfusing. I took deep breaths and prayed to God that this isn’t how I go. They looked like corpse feet. Lifeless.

I felt deep pains in my chest, and prayed and tried to take deep, slow breaths. I luckily had the presence of mind to tell the nurse to STOP pushing it. Luckily it quickly resolved, but my heart rate stayed in the 120’s - 150’s secondary to the epinephrine use. The paramedics, the charge nurse in the ED, the nurses in the ED, the nurses that took care of me in my room, the physicians: all of them stated that they should NOT have pushed epinephrine IV. 

So, I’m struggling. As a healthcare provider, I know the risks. They literally could have killed me. Almost did. When I questioned the physician and said that the only time that I’ve ever administered epinephrine IV was during ACLS (ie: reviving a DEAD person), he said you can do it.

No.

Evidence based practice, which is what we all function off of as healthcare providers, states that you give IM or IV drip with titration. Which means that it is highly regulated and precise within a pump. IV pushes when mixed with saline are essentially bolus amounts. You don’t know how much is where, and where is is concentrated, or if it is evenly distributed throughout the vial.

I know this is boring.

But knowing this as a healthcare provider, and seeing how the system (the same system I work for) failed me multiple times, just makes me sick.

I see my PCP today for a 2 week checkup.

I got my hair done yesterday for the first time in over a year. My therapist told me that is “maintenance” and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I will admit, I feel like a new human with my hair fixed. It really is the little things, and I’m trying to embrace that. 

I have off work until October… I will see if I can take off that much time financially, but my therapist suggests that I take the entire time to heal. 

She said, and I agree, that “You can’t take care of other people when you haven’t taken care of yourself. There’s nothing left to give to others! It’s drained, gone.”

So, self-care. 

I’m trying to balance Mom-me and Me-me. But also dodge the ever-grasping arms of depression that want me to just stay in bed all day. It’s hard. It’s a battle literally. But it’s getting easier. Slowly. I feel like I can breathe again. 

But I am searching for joy. Praying for it.

Anyway, all this to say, mental health is important, especially with the world being in such a bad place right now. Take time to make sure you and your friends are okay. 

Insomnia

I’m supposed to get up for work in 5.5 hours.
So what the heck am I doing up?

I don’t know. I took 2 Benadryl, so maybe they will kick in soon!

Updates!

We moved and are so in love with our new house. It requires us to budget more than we had to with the old house, but it’s worth it. Nathan is still a time home with the boys, but it makes so much more sense than having to put them in daycare.

Benjamin turned 5 (holy cow!) and had a Mickey Mouse party. We got the boys a trampoline and they love it. Ethan is still my terrible-two-year-old. We are working on things. I can’t believe how different he and Benjamin are. Benjamin was and is still so sweet and listens and is just the sweetest boy in the world. Ethan can definitely be sweet, but he knows how to push my buttons and push those boundaries. I’m hoping Charlie has more of a Benjamin disposition.

Charlie is 5 months old now! And so so sweet. He tries talking to us already! And he’s. Rolling over! He started doing that about a week or so ago. They’re so quick to grow!

Three kids is hard though. I think we are for sure done with having babies. As much as it pains me to say, I want to be able to give them all attention and it’s hard. It’s very hard. But the struggle is worth it. Seeing their smiles and feeling their hugs when I get home and changed from the hospital is just the best. I have a wonderful partner to help as well! Nathan really is a great partner and husband and friend and there’s no way that I could do this without him.

His brother is living with us for a month or so while he gets his job settles in Savannah.

Speaking of jobs, I applied for a cath observation job at my hospital which would be three days a week with no weekends, no holidays, and no call. That sounds great to me! Plus it would be a change of pace. I love being a nurse but with the way that staffing is, floor nursing is very demanding and very hard physically and mentally and emotionally. Med-surg nursing is generally considered something that you do as a stepping stone of sorts to get your experience in and then you move onto something else or a different specialty. I’ve been doing it for 6 years, so it’s time to do something else. Plus it doesn’t help that I’ve been passed over for a Charge job 4 times. It’s a little deflating and humiliating to feel like you’re not good enough to be a full time charge nurse but good enough to charge every time you don’t have someone else to do it. It’s frustrating. So, I’m praying for a change if it’s the right thing for my family. I’ve trusted God this far and this long, and He has a plan. This I know and am so sure about.

I’m also about to start on a weight loss journey again. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I clocked in at 205 pounds today at the doctor’s office. I just go up and up and up after having my babies. I want to feel like a woman again and not a fat out of shape mom. I mean I like the mom part, but I still want to feel like a woman and feel good about myself. So, I’m going hard at it starting tomorrow. Or today rather. I look back and see where I weighed 157 pounds and would cry and cry. I would kill to be “that fat” now. All in good time I guess.

I guess I’m just here to spell out my prayers and my life for now. I pray that Nathan has patience and can relax when he has the kids alone. I know it’s hard and he is a rockstar doing it while I’m at work. But I pray for him. I pray for my babies. That they have a life of comfort and love and peace and know how much we both love them and I pray that God gives us the direction to raise them right. I pray about this job opportunity and for me to take it if it’s the right thing for us. I pray for my photography and that it will continue to bring us a supplemental income. I pray that my family and Nathan’s family is safe and happy. I pray my mom can come visit more. I pray that my brother can come visit more. I miss my family. That’s for another blog that I don’t have time for right now though.

Finally, I pray that I can sleep so that I can function today! Amen!