the sickness

It seems that I have "the sickness".

And I'm not down with it (pun).

You know the one. The one where it creeps up on you overnight and gets you when you're least vulnerable. You wake up with a slightly stuffy nose that seems to get better throughout the morning. Then you hit exhaustion like a wall. After your nap, and really weird dreams due to fever, you wake up aching all over, you definitely can't breathe out of one nostril, and your throat is starting to scratch. Your head feels like an over inflated balloon, and you are filled with the weakness of an 80 year old. In fact, your head feels so full that you feel drunk. Your reaction time sucks, you can't think, and all you want to do is go back to bed. But that's impossible because you can't sleep because your nose decides that it doesn't know which side it really wants to stuff up, and your fever makes you hot and cold more than 15 times over an hour

That's the one.

No nausea yet (thank goodness).

What I feel like I look like.

What I feel like on the inside.

Nathan came over yesterday and hugged me and made me feel better before I went to school to take my first communications class. My teacher seems cool, so hopefully I'll pass this time (I have no choice: I have to pass).

On another note, I find myself really attached to Nathan lately. Like a whole lot. It's a weird thing. It's not the attachment where I feel like I can't trust him so I want him near me all the time. It feels more like I don't want to let him go. I just want to be near him all the time. Maybe it has to do with the passing of Mama Lou, realizing what I have and I don't want to lose it. I don't know. I just want to spend all of my time with him and just never let him go. When we got back from our trip I was so "moved" and just tearful because I wasn't with him anymore. I don't know if it's because he's my best friend and I just want to be with him, or what. I think I'm just so ready to be married and live with him everyday and wake up to him and see him and breathe him in everyday. Who knows.

Well I guess I'll just Pinterest and watch Law & Order until I can fall asleep.

nothing goes as planned

     This was a very hard week/weekend.

     I went on a trip with Nathan, as he had to go to Florida on business anyway, so we were going to go to the beach! Nothing really went as planned.

     The beach was cold and windy, we were both in foul moods, we got sunburned, and other issues arose.
And then the worst happened: Nathan's sweet grandma, Mama Lou passed away this morning.

“Death opens a door out of a little, dark room (that's all the life we have known before it) into a great, real place where the true sun shines and we shall meet.”- C.S. Lewis

     She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and I am glad that I knew her while I did. I wish that I had known Nathan longer, because I love him, but also because I would have known her more. She was just so genuinely nice and wonderful from the moment I met her. Nathan would tell me stories of her that reminded me of my own grandma, and I loved her as if she was my grandma. Mama Lou was really strong, especially in the end. She knew where she was going, and she wasn't afraid of it. She embraced it! She kept her sense of humor and so alert and oriented to everything around her until her serious decline. I am glad that I got to see her and talk with her and hear stories about her from Nathan. I am so sad for Nathan and his family because I know for sure how hard it is to lose someone you love, but at the same time I am relieved for Mama Lou. She is in Heaven and watching over everyone, and I find peace in that. I am sad though that I didn't get to know her more. It's sad that it's human nature to not realize what you have until it's gone. I do realize this with some people (my immediate family, and Nathan), and I spend as much time as I can with them. I know what it's like to have a sudden loss, and a gradual one. I can't imagine living with Nathan for 50 years and then losing him. He is already my best friend and I hate being even one day away from him now. I just can't even fathom the connection that you would have with someone that you lived with and were still in love with years and years after you first met. The person that you went through everything with, raised children with... just gone. The heartache must be incredible, and I am praying for Papa Sam.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S.Lewis

     Death is never fun, but I can say that every time a life is lost, especially one that I knew, it makes me realize just how much I have in the relationships with people in my life. I don't know that I would do if I lost Nathan. He's my everything! Everything I do, I have him in mind. I get pretty for him in the morning, I laugh with him, I tell him secrets that I have never told anyone, I pray with him, I talk to him all day, every day. I can't imagine never waking up to hear his voice again, or old his hand, or rest my head on his chest. Never smelling him again, or hearing his laugh, or feeling his hugs... ugh! It makes me cry just thinking about it. The loss of that would devastate me, and I pray that I never have to go through that. It seems so selfish to wish to pass away before your significant other so you don't have to deal with the loss of the other half of yourself, but I am not too big headed to admit that I am too fragile and weak to recover from that.

     I am just praying for peace of mind for his family, and comfort and support for his grandfather, and good memories of Mama Lou for her children and grandchildren.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

the beach

With a heavy heart, I cannot take my externship position for the Summer. I hope maybe I can work as a technician there or somewhere to get SOME experience.

In better news, I am going to the beach.

I'm gonna tan in my bikini (chunky monkey!) and drink Coke's out of glass bottles, and read books, and hug my boyfriend, and enjoy life. I can't wait.

mother's day and photos

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful, fantastic, loving mom's out there. (Mine's the best, but I guess I'm partial).

I got my mom flowers, took her out to dinner, and the kitten that she had been eyeballing for weeks! He is the most adorable, and he almost squeals when he meows because he's so tiny! I call him The Ewok.

His name is Scout, as in To Kill a Mockingbird.

He is so adorable, and only weighs about a pound and a half! So tiny!

 My boyfriend wrote me a letter while I was gone and I got in the mail yesterday! It was so sweet! I LOVE getting letters in the mail! Old fashioned, sit down to write, ink and paper letters. It just shows you that they were thinking about you enough to take the time to write something. I love it!
So, this is me now, on this rainy day, sitting at my jewelry making desk, re-reading my love letter, over and over:

<3

I seriously have the sweetest boyfriend ever. He is patient, kind, sweet, funny, thoughtful, and just perfect for me! I can't wait to marry him someday! Besides the sweet handwritten note, he made me a little picture card thing of us when we were kids, and a mushy message (but that part is just for me).

We were messy children.

Nathan could have possibly been the cutest kid in the world. We were watching videos of when he was a kid, and he was so adorable! AHHH! I want to go back in time and pinch his cheeks!

Also since I am trying to keep track of my hair growth, I took another picture to show how much it has grown in the 2 weeks since I got it cut!

Mehhhhhh

The front is getting long, and the back is almost to the point where I could let it grow and not look like a mullet. Grow hair, grow! What I wouldn't give to have a long long braid right about now. I also am starting something that some will think is gross. It's been known as going au natural, no-poo, or just lazy.
I quit shampooing  my hair.

What I used to feel like.

Well, that's a lie. I wash it with real shampoo maybe once a month. I started doing this when I cut my hair off. My hair, although always pretty long, was greasy at the root and super fried and dry on the ends. No matter how much hair product and oils I put on the ends, they would just soak it up and still look fried, but feel ultra greasy. That in turn, made my face break out and me a very unhappy camper. So, I cut my hair off, mostly to start over with virgin hair, and partially because I wanted something new. I noticed that with the healthy hair (I had been growing out my roots for months), I didn't HAVE to wash everyday. Then I went to 3 days. Then 4. By the 4th day, things can get a little unruly. Instead of washing it with shampoo I thought, what if I just wash it with conditioner? It wouldn't strip my hair, but it would gently clean it and make it smell good... or it will make it a giant greaseball and I just wash it again with shampoo. No biggie.
To my amazement, it turned out wonderful! Shiny hair that wasn't greasy, stinky, or gross. It just looks healthy! I washed it with shampoo a week or so ago just to get it completely clean again, but after looking online, apparently people just wash with baking soda and apple cider vinegar (or make their own shampoo). I'm going to try the baking soda one, just because it's cheap. But I want to grow my hair out this time healthy and not brittle or dry. I'll let you know how it works out! I'm trying to get boyfriend to do it too, since he has the coarsest, thickest hair ever (and I'm really jealous because I have a lot of fine hair that gets damaged if you look at it wrong. Also, Nate has the prettiest eyelashes in the world. I want them.)

Well, I'm going to go do things today. Maybe give my cat a flea bath. And then maybe go celebrate Mother's day with Nate's family. (That sounds awful that I'm not with my mom, but I was just with her and my brother for a week to celebrate today and her birthday!)

Cheers!