4 AM Thoughts

Well, parenting is hard. Especially when you have 2 to look after. I don't know how these moms of 4+ do it! (I didn't say 3+ only because I'm crazy enough to want to try it... maybe.) I'm trying really, REALLY hard to breastfeed this time. I made it past the engorgement phase (thank goodness), but now when I nurse Ethan, I get these horrific after-pains. After looking it up, they can vary between painless to labor-like contractions (which the latter  is what I had last night) because oxytocin plays a significant role in shrinking your uterus back down to itty bitty. I love breastfeeding though. It's a struggle to get Ethan to latch, but when it's right it's so relaxing and bonding. And baby gets that milk out so much faster than the pump! 

So as far as physical stuff 6 days after delivery: I'm mushy everywhere. Swelling in my thighs, legs, feet, hands, and face are worse than they were before I had the baby. I hear it will go down soon... I looked 7 months pregnant when I left the hospital, and now maybe 4 months pregnant. I want it to go back to normal please!!! I haven't gotten on the scale yet. I'm giving myself 2 weeks to lose some fluid and get the swing of things before I worry about dieting. I'm hairy. Everywhere hair. I'm sore in my pelvis, my crotch, and my legs. My nipples hurt (lanolin is on the way...). The exhaustion isn't terrible considering I wake up every 2-3 hours a night and stay up all day. My hormones are CRAZY though. Everything makes me cry. I want that to get back to normal (not to mention it might fix my hairiness I have going on right now). My husband is home for 1 more week... and it's stressing me out knowing that I will have to take care of both boys alone for a majority of the day. It's hard dude. 

Everyone has either said going from none to one was the hardest, or going from one to two is the hardest adjustment wise, and I have to agree with the latter. My two year old is so so sweet... most of the time. But when he has a meltdown, it's all over. I don't fault him for that. There's a new baby in the house, plus he's two. So he's going to do it. It's just hard. I love Benjamin to death, and I am finding it hard to split myself between two babies. It's weird how when I came home, my view of Benjamin changed. Seeing this little baby Ethan who is just 8 pounds and then laying eyes on my 30+ pound toddler made me realize that he's growing up so fast... it's scary and sad! I miss him being my baby (although he always will be). It's just a shock to realize how little he was and how much he has grown. It makes me proud and happy and sad at the same time. I told Nathan last night "you realize that this is the youngest and littlest he will ever be?" And it's so crazy! Time flies. If anyone has the secret to slow it down, let me know! 

It's making me reevaluate my job(s). My family is the most important thing to me. I want to see my babies grow up. But at the same time I don't want to burden Nathan with being the sole provider financially for us. I can maybe go back to work as needed, or quit and do photography, or just stay with my babies. Well, the last one isn't really an option right now. We are trying to downsize our house at least money wise, maybe get rid of the Jeep for a cheaper minivan, look at bills and see what we can cut. I want the simple life. I truly do. Nathan said when we retire he wants a cabin the mountains and I can bake pies all day. That sounds amazing, but I want to have more time NOW. I want to spend more time with family and friends and with my babies watching them grow. 

I should be sleeping, but I can't! I have too much on my mind. Looking at this baby in his crib, thinking about the grown baby sleeping in the room across the hall, and hearing my husband sweetly snore next to me, makes me realize how blessed I am. I have 3 boys in my life that are my everything. As soon as I typed that, I had a huge yawn come over me. Maybe it's time to take a nap before Ethan's next feeding.