Support

Yesterday was a hard day for me.
For a long time I have been battling stomach issues and I have been putting off tests and procedures because I was afraid of what I might find. After being diagnosed at 17 with ulcerative colitis, a chronic disease that I will have for the rest of my life, I have always been very self conscious about telling anyone about it. I really can't remember when I told Nathan about it. Maybe he can, but I certainly can't remember. The point is, when I told him, he wasn't freaked out or worried or grossed out. He encouraged me about 3 months ago to go get a test to see how it's going, since I was supposed to be getting annual exams. I haven't had one in 10 years.
So, the day before yesterday I went through the awful prep and yesterday I had the procedure. I was terrified. I thought for sure I would have colon cancer or something else. I got a clean bill of health. Hearing that almost made me cry out of happiness. What was better is that the doctor doesn't necessarily think I even have ulcerative colitis. The best part: Nathan was there during my worrying, holding my hand and praying with me. He admitted to me he was scared. And we were scared together. It meant more than anything to me to have him there and be the biggest support to me. To come with me, to hold my hand, to drive me around, to help me into the house. He truly cared for me in one of my lowest points.
I love him so much and I never ever want to take that for granted.

Answered Prayers!

Things have been so wonderful lately! Kind of. My relationships are better, especially with Nathan! Better, richer, more fun, and full of love! We are looking for a house to buy to move into when we get married! We moved up the date a month. September 22nd! So soon! So wonderful!
Honeymoon is booked! 7 days in St. Lucia! So excited!
Marriage counseling is wonderful.
School is getting crazy hard.
Work is winding down so I can focus more on school/photography/wedding things.
That's all :)

Scared

Life has been a roller coaster lately.

I've got a lot of learning to do.
I'm a scared person;
A terrified human being.
I'm praying a lot, and things are stable at the moment, but who knows what will happen.
I'm scared.

How do you protect yourself? From everything?
I pray, and for now I am okay.
Things are better than they have been in a long time.
But I'm scared.

I'm scared of being with someone forever even if it's the person I've loved the most my entire life.
I'm scared of nursing school and what comes after.
I'm scared of missing things because I'm scared.
I'm too stubborn to let walls down because I'm scared.

New wedding date: September 22nd
and I'm scared.

I love my best friend, and I want us to be so happy. But I'm scared...
I'm praying a lot. I need for God to take this feeling away that has made a home in the pit of my stomach. Inadequacy. Failure. Perfectionism. Fear. Insecurity. Self loathing. It's all very awful, and very real.

In moments of weakness I find myself anxious ridden and making myself sick both mentally and physically. I want to be all he needs. I want to be the perfect wife. I want to be fun. I want to be responsible. I want to make money. I want to not care about what I eat but look perfect. I want to be everything that he wants. I want to be desired. I want to be successful. I want to be prized. I want to be loved and needed. It's hard.

And I get scared.

I hope things stay and get better.
I need them to.