12.5 weeks with baby #2!

How far along? 12.5 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of a large plum :)

Heartrate: 170

Total weight gain/loss: Will find out next week!

Maternity clothes? YES! Mostly pants. A couple of shirts. I'm not really showing yet.

Sleep: I sleep in nap cycles this go around. ;(

Best moment this week: after a bleeding scare this week (only lasted 1 day and it was very scant) and tons of crying, our ultrasound showed that baby was wiggling and perfect!

Movement: I can't feel our little one moving yet! I can't wait!

Food cravings: Salad and pasta! 

Food Aversions: MEAT! I have to really not think about it if I want to eat it. Everything fried. SEAFOOD! The smell... Oh my.

Gender: No idea! Friends and family are saying girl because of the heart rate which was 170 to me being so sick this time, but who knows?!

Labor Signs: No! I still have some very mild, sporadic cramping, but nothing crazy.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Some bloating and sinus stuff. Nausea has let up quite a bit. Sometimes it hits really randomly still. 

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Sleeping without snoring...

What I am looking forward to: Getting an actual baby bump!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Check up the 19th!

Weekly Wisdom: A good haircut and pamper day can make you feel like a human again!

Milestones: Baby is starting to look like a baby!

Bump Picture: I still just look like I ate too many donuts. Not a nice round bump yet!

11.5 Weeks with Baby #2

How far along? 11.5 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of a lime!

Heartrate: 179!

Total weight gain/loss: No weight gained, but my "bump" looks like I ate too many burritos.

Maternity clothes? YES! Only pants. And only because I never stopped wearing them when I had Benjamin! Ha!

Sleep: I sleep in nap cycles this go around. ;(

Best moment this week: Trying to figure out what can help with the morning sickness! I'm so nauseated this time around.

Movement: I can't feel our little one moving yet! I can't wait!

Food cravings: Plain rice. Fruit. Veggies.

Food Aversions: MEAT! I have to really not think about it if I want to eat it. Everything fried. SEAFOOD! The smell... Oh my.

Gender: No idea! Friends and family are saying girl because of the heart rate which was 179 to me being so sick this time, but who knows?!

Labor Signs: No! I still have some very mild, sporadic cramping, but nothing crazy.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Some bloating and sinus stuff. Feeling sick pretty much most of the day. :/

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Not feeling like I have to puke every moment of the day, sleep, and clothes that fit!

What I am looking forward to: Getting an actual baby bump!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Check up the 19th!

Weekly Wisdom: Stock up on meds you are allowed to take during pregnancy. You never know when you might need it. (this is still true, so I'm going to leave it!) I will add that ginger ale, Preggie Pops, crackers, small meals, and no movement while you feel sick is probably the best you can do!

Milestones: Baby is starting to look like a baby!

Bump Picture: I still just look like I ate too many donuts. Not a nice round bump yet!

A Year.

I haven't written in a year... It's been... busy! To say the least. I read my last entry, and it brought back a wave of memories. I guess I shouldn't write to catch up.

My father passed November 25th, 2015, about 6 months after I wrote that blog post. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my Dad. I miss him everyday. However, when I say he REALLY loved those last 6 months, he really did. We spent a lot of time traveling between here and NY to see him. The decline was so rapid in the last 2 weeks. The rest of the time, he was just, well, Dad. The same. He was super strong and went through tons of life extending chemo, for us. I knew it was for us because 3 weeks before he passed, he was told his cancer had spread and was asked if he wanted more chemo or to go on hospice. He called and told me that he really thought about it, but that he was done with fighting with chemo. He wanted to fully enjoy what he had left. And he said "I'm not scared to die." And in all of the years that I knew my Dad, he never said anything with such confidence and truth behind it. He really wasn't afraid.

I got to know my Grandma very well. My extended family showed me who was truly a kind person (which there were lots, just not where we all expected it to come from which was infuriating). Three days before he passed he went out for a cigarette on the back porch where he always went. He hadn't taken any of his medication and I knew where it was going. He came back in and he said "I want to tell you all that I am ready to go Home". And he didn't cry. He was ready. And I think even though it hit us all like a ton of bricks, we knew. We knew he was ready and we were more ready than you can be in that situation for him to be pain-free and at peace. The night before he passed, I kissed his head and told him I loved him. He said "I love you too".

When I came over the next morning, I knew it would be within hours at the most. My husband luckily had come back to be with us that day or the day before. I can't remember which. But when I went in the see him, I tried to calm him down. It seemed to work every other time he got agitated in the past 2 weeks as he declined. But he wasn't there. I don't know how else to explain other than his spirit and soul and every bit of himself was already checked out. Within the hour, the wonderful hospice nurse came over, gave him medication to relieve his pain and his agitation, and he passed. So peacefully.

Benjamin, who was just over 1, was wonderful. Babies are smarter than you think. He knew something huge just happened and he came over and he held me. Yes, I was holding him, but he held me back and just laid his precious head on my chest and made me feel such a great comfort. My husband came back from running an errand that my grandmother asked him to do, and further made me feel better. I'd be lost without my two men.

My grandma's church community was incredible, and everyone pulled together to make things as easy as possible on us. A huge part of my struggle with all of this was living with the idea of "do I leave and let him pass without me there because I can't handle it? Or do I stay?" When I arrived that last stretch, I knew I couldn't leave. I knew I could never get on that plane with my brother and say goodbye, knowing it would be the last time I would see him.

I'm glad I stayed.

I honestly have so much love for my dad because of the time we spent together. Although 57 is a short life, he truly lived and we had never talked and laughed and spent so much time together. I was happy that as a RN I could help care for him in the end. He thanked me everyday and said "I'm so proud of my little nurse". It makes me cry now thinking of it. All I did in life was to make he and my mom proud.

Thanksgiving and Christmas was somber as you can imagine.

Some nights it hits very hard.

He would have been 58 on June 30th this year.

I live, and move on, but I miss him so much.

In April, we found out we were expecting again. I was overjoyed (and still am), but part of my heart breaks knowing I can't share it with my dad and that this little one won't ever know the man who raised me. I know he knows. I know he's watching over me, and I take comfort in that. I just miss being able to hear his voice and feel his hugs.

I'm 3 months along and I'm sicker than ever. I never had that with Benjamin! Everyone is thinking pink, but who knows?

I know this post is mostly sad, but I'm truly blessed. My job worked with me so much during my Dad's illness and death. My husband has been a wonderful support. My mom and brother and I have gotten closer. We truly are over the moon about our pregnancy. Nathan got a new wonderful hobbyist he actually loves going to and he got a very significant pay raise. I rebranded my photography and I'm excited to see where that goes.

All in all, this past year has been a blessing in disguise.

"I might as well get back to my music" - The Good Rats

Awake.

I should be sleeping. My babies (son and husband) are fast asleep, and I'm up at 3 in the morning watching Cops downstairs. 

I can't stop thinking about my Dad. A week ago he told us that he had Stage IV pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months to a year to live. How do you deal with that? The sadness hits me randomly. Today it was in the car on the way to see my mom for her birthday. I get mad and sad and irritated and I just don't want to be touched or anything... And then I make Nathan feel bad and I don't mean to. I don't know what I need right now. I am grieving. I'm in denial... And then I have these moments of realization that I won't see my dad again until I die... And it's too hard to bear. I feel like in my 28 years I don't know enough about my dad for him to be taken from me yet. I feel like I can't make up for time and how am I supposed to cram the rest of my life into 6 months to a year? It really doesn't feel real. Now that he's back in NY my heart aches, but maybe the distance makes it a little easier... Or harder? I can't tell. Sometimes I just don't feel anything when I think about it. I just get numb. It's hard to be happy and maintain the day to day things when I think about it. I miss my brother. He was here all week and now he is at my mom's house. I need my husband too, but I feel like at this time and with this going on that my brother is part of my strength. We were both hit so hard with this news that we never expected. I mean, MAYBE when he was 90. Not 56. So young... And I've seen it so many times in the hospital. Why did I think my family was immune to such things? I guess I didn't, but I didn't think it would happen. I didn't think it could happen. How do I deal with this?

He talked to me about hospice, dying at home, how he's not scared... All things that I don't want to talk about. Except the not being scared part. That gives me a great peace. I can't imagine having a dying family member and them being scared. But my dad, he's so strong. He's not scared. He's thinking about seeing his dad, and his grandma, and talking about when I see him again he will be young, and healthy. I know these things. But my heart doesn't know it and my heart hurts. It hurts a lot. I've been praying, but things like this shake your faith. Mine anyway. And I hate that. I just feel like I have been dealt the worst deck of life cards. Or one of the worst. I lost a boyfriend in a freak accident. Now my dad? So young. And after we have been through so much and things have been repaired. I guess at least we were given that time? I don't know. I love my dad. This week with him was the best I think we have ever had. And I don't know if it's because he feels a freedom because he knows what's wrong? Is he looking forward to being pain free, to getting to heaven? He was so agreeable, and even braved the GA Aquarium... That's so not my dad. But I wanted to DO things with him. And we did. I got to make him homemade pasta, let him help Benjamin learn to crawl, play music for him, play games together, have deep spiritual conversations, gave each other advice. It was a week of everything that I've always wanted in time with my dad. And it takes this for it to be that way? Why? Is it some sort of cruel joke? I don't know. This has made me realize how much family means to me. My mom took the news hard as well. I can't imagine how my grandma feels. How do you deal with your child passing away most likely before you? I pray I never have to find out for myself. 

I'm praying she doesn't either. I'm praying for a miracle. For remission. My nurse brain knows the odds, but God can defy the odds. My heart is hanging onto any time. Any time that we can have together. I want to tell my dad how much I love him and that everything "bad" that happened is water under the bridge. I don't want to dwell on bad things. And I don't. I want him to know that I don't though. I want him to know that I think he is a good father, and that he showed us he loved us how he knew to do it. 

I have only told a couple of people. I don't know what to do. My anxiety is through the roof... And then at times, nothing. It hurts too much to feel, so I don't. I don't feel happy or sad, I just lay in bed and can't sleep until I just pass out from exhaustion. I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to go back to work. I'm really anxious about that. I don't want to go back to work and take care of sick people. I want to fix my dad. I want to take the cancer away. But I know I can't. But I want to. 

I am going to spend as much time as I can with him. And with my grandma and my mom and Nathan's family. This is just a hard slap in the face about how special family is and why didn't you do that before? Guilt. 

I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm bartering. I'm in denial. All the stages of grief at once. Why is there still this childlike thing in me that thinks I can go back in time and change things; make things better. Barter with God. I don't know. I don't know if that's me or if it's just human. 

I need my husband, but he needs to sleep. My head hurts. I'm wondering what my dad is doing right now. He's getting the port put in for chemotherapy on Wednesday. He kept saying he couldn't wait to start. 

Lord, please heal my dad. Please put him into remission. Please let him be able to have his cruise to Alaska that he wanted to go on with Susan. Please. Please.

My chest hurts. My head hurts from not crying and keeping it in. My eyes hurt from crying when I do let it out. My muscles hurt. I need my husband to hold me until I go to sleep, but he's sleeping. I don't want to bother him. He would say "Babe you should have just woken me up" but I feel bad and silly. I miss my dad. I miss my brother. It's like if I have someone with me, everything will be okay. 

This was a long venting. But I needed it. I need to talk to my counselors... I need to take a leave of absence maybe. From work. But we need the money. I don't know what to do. I don't. Praying, praying... Praying. 

Praying for peace, for pain free treatment for my Dad, for precious time with my dad, for miraculous healing, for a cure for cancer, for peace for me and my brother, for a way to go and see my dad, for understanding, for unwavering faith in God. All of this. I NEED this. 

I begged God tonight in my prayers that I would hear from him. That I would literally hear from him. His voice. I have doubted so many times before when people have said that they heard God speak to them. And I need that. I'm begging for that. I need to know that everything will be okay. I feel so fragile, and I need God to step in and take over and give me a sign. Speak to me and tell me. I know I'm not worthy of such a thing, but I keep thinking, if other people have heard Him, why can't I? Is my faith so wrong and "not enough" that He wouldn't? Am I that bad of a follower in Him? I know in not the best, but I need Him. I need God. I need my faith. I know I am blessed. My life is so good when it's good. But this stuff is too hard to bear.  I need to hear from God. I need to KNOW that Heaven is real and perfect and that I will feel so full of love and emotion when I get there. I need to know that my parents and grandparents are there. I need to know that this life isn't the end. I KNOW it's not, but I need a sign. My head hurts from thinking. If Heaven is perfect, why do we go through life? Why the pain? Why put us here if somewhere perfect awaits? 

I have so many feelings right now, and I need someone to hold me.