It's something that I struggle with, and I seem to have been struggling with it a lot more recently than I have in a long time. One incident brought back a world of hurt that happened in the past, and now I question everything. All the devotion, I compare myself to others, I feel not good enough, not even good enough to make it through the nursing program, or be a fit fiancée to my love, or a good enough servant to God. I am trying to fix this.
Nathan and I have been talking about marriage counseling, as we have both heard that it is the smart thing to do before you get married. I am both excited and scared at the same time. Surely things will be uncovered that we both do not want to talk about, but have to be talked about. But hopefully things will be resolved.
I am also going to do a lot of reading about restoring faith and security in yourself through God and prayer, and counseling if need be. I am not above counseling. Talking can help so, so much, and that's what I believe I need! I'm just so tired of feeling insecure. I shouldn't be.
I have a fiancé who is wonderful, and has only let me down once, a job, I got into and am still hanging in nursing school, I have family that love me very much, I have friends (though not as many or as near as I would like), and I'm not hideous. God gifted me with a bumpy nose and a scar forever reminding me of my close call with death, child birthing hips, long toes, speckled skin (speckled is nicer than acne and sunspots), lumpy legs, and little boobies. It's what I have. I am grateful to be alive, and I am not the fattest, or the skinniest, or the ugliest or the prettiest, or the fittest or the most sedentary person in the world. I should be grateful. There's not anything terribly wrong.
Some days I feel pretty, and others I want to hide my ugly mug. Some days I feel skinny, and other days I want to hide my "fat" under a giant sweatshirt. Some days I think about the best things and smile and laugh, and other days I think about my insecurities and trust issues and want to cry and hide in the bed under the covers. It's not an everyday thing, just a common thing, which any more than "rarely" is a problem. I am trying hard to remedy this.
I feel like my fiancé doesn't understand. It's much different to be a woman in this world than a man, let alone a Christian woman trying to do things right. I know that I shouldn't be envious or covet or compare myself. The Bible tells me so. I know that I should forgive and forget, because the Bible tells me so. And maybe that's why it is so hard. I do all of these things, and I have a hard time forgetting past crimes (in fact, they replay like films in my head, and I can remember every vivid, terrible detail). Not just recent ones but things that have happened years ago. Somehow I group them all together, and they play in a stream one after the other until I want to run away and cry. Literally run away. Like to the other side of the country (or world) and lose my phone, run away. Cut all ties to everything familiar. It's bizarre, but it's the only way I know to cope, is to ignore it.
I think I have finally ignored everything to the point of bursting. Everything has been collecting in my head and heart, and it's finally bursting at the seams. Anxiety is the result. An extreme anxiety that results in chest pains, sweating, and panic attacks. It's torture. If I can cure it with prayer and counseling alone, praise God. If I need medication, so be it.
We learned in nursing school that things like anxiety generally become a problem when aspects of your daily life (or activities of daily living) are compromised. Mine are. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get distant immediately at the thought of one of these things, I literally have to restrain myself from running away, and I can't sleep at night. It's horrific.
I need God, support from my fiancé, and lots of prayers.
I want to be whole again.
But this is hard.
