What a year it’s been. We hosted this year since I have to work Christmas - those healthcare jobs can be hard in that way. We had turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, baked brie, and grandma’s clam dip that she’s made for years and years. It’s so good! Nathan’s Dad came up and his brother Nicholas came over as well as Grandma and Grandpa Chris and Kenny. The boys had a great time. Benjamin is 10 - we told him Santa wasn’t real this year and it broke both Nathan’s and my heart to have to tell him. There’s a part of childhood innocence that breaks apart that day that you find out. A little bit of the magic goes away. He took it like a champ, but he said “I didn’t know” and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I guess we were too good at disguising it :( He did promise that he wouldn’t tell the other boys yet and that he wanted to help with the Christmas magic this year - so we will let him help. He’s such a sweetheart. So musically influenced and intelligent. He’s able to pick so many things up by ear. He’s always playing music like his dad. Ethan is 7 - will be 8 in January - and he and Benjamin both have grown over an inch this year. It’s crazy how fast time is flying now. Ethan has such a heart for art and is just the biggest softy. I think he’s going to be our artsy one. He’s very emotionally connected as well. We talked about how Benjamin may need his tonsils out in January and Ethan got a emotional, worrying about his brother. I’m not going to lie - although I work in healthcare and know it’s a routine procedure - I worry. I may postpone it a bit - I personally think it’s more allergies than that and that seems like just a quick fix. We will see. And Charlie - what a mess haha. He’s such a smart butt and so sarcastic and goofy but he is such a sweetheart when he wants to be. He still carries his lizards everywhere with him. It’ll make me sad the day he drops them for good. We actually lost one and then one day Nathan found it in the woods like he was just sat there - not a stain or spot on him. Charlie was elated. He’s not left his side since. Almost done with Christmas - Nathan and I are working on NOT getting each other anything this year because it’s just too expensive to even exist. I don’t know how I got signed up for this trials and tribulations package but I don’t recall signing up for that at all… phew. Donald Trump won the presidency this year - hoping our economy will bounce back but who knows. Still working at a hospital as a case manager - going back to weekends because it’s easier doing 3 12 hour shifts than 4 10 hour shifts. I don’t know what I want to do. I miss the clinical stuff a lot but the stress… my anxiety has been pretty rough lately. Not panic attack bad and I’ve been able to mitigate it with some meds but mostly I go for a long walk and I talk with Nathan and he holds me and then I do better. Sometimes it gets to be overwhelming and I let out a good cry but mostly I can control it. I have to work today 6-6:30 at the hospital but I woke up at 3 because I can’t sleep and there’s no point in me trying to sleep for an hour before going in so I’m writing. November 25 has been 9 years since my dad passed away. It feels so unreal saying that. I miss him so much. My kids sometimes cry because they didn’t get to meet him - and that’s hard. I wish he could have met them here on Earth. He would have been a great grandpa I think. Mom is good and still working at Lowe’s in Florida. Kenny is still working at the restaurant although his roommate got married so he is looking for an apartment. We are still here doing our thing. Nathan has been able to stay at home although he might be having to get a part time job to help financially. But that makes me feel guilty as I have been able to “make it” for this long, but the economy is so bad right now. We are feeling it in every which way. I’m sure that is what is giving me the most stress right now is work and needing to work more but not wanting to because it stresses me out. It’s just hard. Praying for better times ahead for sure. Nathan and I are great - life has been busy, but my favorite place is nuzzled in his chest at night. It’s the best thing and calms me so much. I love him so so much. I can’t bear to think about doing this life without him - he is still one of the biggest blessings that the Lord has given me. He is truly a partner and I love him so so much. I’m not sure what else to say. Usually I have a stream of consciousness and I just don’t right now. I’m just tired and old 😂 I’ll get back on soon hopefully. This used to be very cathartic to me and I’m trying to get back to things that are good for my mental health. My skin and stomach have been better since doing the kidney supplements however it is wintertime so my eczema spots are flaring. But the thanksgiving week has also thrown off my diet since I’m not skipping carbs! But back to meat this week I think. Oh well, that’s all for now - I’ll check back in sooner or later.
