11.14.2023

37 for posterity

 Benjamin - you are 9. You are amazing. Truly kind, respectful, so sweet, and caring. You say “I love you mama” and give me a hug unprompted. You have the thickest head of hair in the family! You are brilliant and still so childlike. You love paw patrol and innocent things. You are so logical, but love magic tricks and jokes. You are so smart and love to read. You have grown an inch in 6 months says our wall measuring stick. You have lost teeth, and still believe in the tooth fairy and Santa. We love your sweet innocence. You are learning violin, and “plick pluck” for me songs from your song book. You love rainbows and putting the colors in order. You love Soongebob. We went bowling for your birthday this year and you were so good! You have learned so many facts about everything, you teach me things everyday. 

Ethan - you are 6. You are the best artist I have ever seen in a child and you are going to be a great artist someday. You have so much energy and are just the same lean muscular kid you’ve always been. You have the sweetest dimple, and you say “I love you maman” - I pray you never stop calling me that. You are so emotionally attuned and so responsible. You act like the parent in the room with the other boys. You make your own cereal bowls with milk and get your own juice. You have changed Charlie’s diaper unasked. You are so kind and wise beyond your years, but still a curious little boy who can be rambunctious. You are sensitive and imaginative. You are an artist - I see it. My sweet left handed little artist. 


Charlie: you are 4. You read better than the other 2 boys and haven’t spent a second in a classroom. You are the classic example of too smart for your own good. You are strong, smart, defiant, curious, and a little devious when you need to be. You are still pooping your pants (have to note this for posterity). You love your Hobby Lobby lizard Mr. Jones. You have the cutest smile with the tiniest teeth. You have a scar on your right side of your mouth where you slipped and your teeth went into your lip last year. You love to eat tacos and rice and pizza, from the top down. You are fearless. You pick up spiders and bugs without hesitation despite us screaming for you not to. You antagonize your brothers, but then run over and hug them in the same breath. You love the nightmare before Christmas. You are scared of the dark and love your little paw patrol night light. You know all the dinosaurs. You have a temper, but maman can easily calm you down with a back scratch and affirmations. You still cuddle with me. You like for us to call you a “big kid” instead of “big boy” - apparently kid is higher than boy in the growing chart. You run around in your light up shoes and it makes me smile to see you smile. I love how you say “I love you”. I love your sweet smooth face when you come to sit in my lap. I love your questions that are never ending. You are so stinking smart and I can’t wait to see where you bloom.


Nathan - you are 36. I am 37. We celebrated 10 years of marriage this year. We are going to celebrate in April (hopefully) in Colorado for a few days. You bake amazing sourdough bread. You keep the house immaculate. You cook us homemade meals. You are God’s gift to this family. You are patient with Benjamin when he needs to practice violin. You are patient with Ethan and his 500 million questions. You are resilient for dealing with Charlie’s defiance daily. You are the best partner I could ever ask for. I can’t wait to grow older with you, even though it scares us to get older. We cry about how we miss the kids being little. And how we are trying to just make it day to day, yet savor and relish the moments that matter. Kids are hard. But so worth it. When I sit here in the middle of the night thinking about them, I cry. Happy tears. Time slow down tears. God gave me perfect children and I intend to grow them into God following men. I know they won’t be perfect, but we are a good team to help grow a dynasty. We live on Finley Drive. I don’t know if we will be here next year. We want a home with acreage and a ranch. A real forever home. You have created such a beauty in this home. I love you. Nathan you are a treasure. 


Christa - you are 37. Getting back on track in self care. Trying to lose weight. 203 lbs. that’s rough. But I was 238. So that’s a plus. I am a case manager right now. It’s okay. I just miss my 4 days off a week. I miss my kids. I miss them so much it hurts. More so now than ever before. I just see them growing before my eyes and it makes me realize how precious these years are. It may seem like forever to them, but holy cow these days go by fast. I am tired of being stuck in the rat race. I am trying to find something that better works with my work life balance. It’s hard. It’s all hard. Kenny is still at Brookwood. Grandma and Chris are well. Mom is good and still living with Dell in FL. Nathan’s dad has had the longest stint at sobriety ever in his life and our kids love their Poppy. Mimi is good, working part time. I am trying to remember to jot these things down. Life is really fast. 

2.16.2023

Rock Bottom? Not yet…

 I didn’t look to see when the last time I posted. I imagine some time last year.

It’s been rough. Not going to lie. 

Since I had my hives/stress breakout last July, it’s evolved into full body erythrodermic psoriasis. But it’s only since November since we figured out it was psoriasis that was slowly taking over my body, and only within the last month or so have we landed on the specific diagnosis of erythrodermic psoriasis. 

It’s caused ER visits due to insane itching to where I was making myself bleed (I have scars now on my hip…), shock from fluid shifts that cause my heart rate to fly into the 160’s and wouldn’t come down without steroids and fluids. 

I got started on Skyrizi. I have my second shot Monday. 

I am also doing a protocol to get rid of the COVID protein spike? So, my psoriasis rash is starting to get “better” but I don’t know what it’s due to. So I’m going to finish both treatments and see.

Haven’t been able to work consistently in months. 

It’s hard.

I feel like a burden.

Nathan tells me I’m not, but our whole house is stressed right now.

I’m trying to find another job that would allow me to not do patient care. Praying for that. 

I do know that God has a plan for me. I don’t know what it is, but He has one. I’m just praying it becomes apparent soon. 

Kids are sweet. 

Right now we are all sick with some kind of flu-like thing. Coughing and snot and body aches. I was spiking a temp so that’s why I’m awake. Went down to take some Tylenol and was real disoriented. I knew I had a fever. 100 ish. Not crazy but enough to mess me up apparently. 

Poor Ethan threw up last night :( Benjamin came in to tell us like the sweet big brother that he is. 

Charlie keeps me guessing! That stinking 3 year old was reading road signs the other day! So smart. He is too smart for his own good I think. 

Nathan and I just celebrated our 13th Valentine’s Day together! It’s our 10 year anniversary this year too, so I’m praying for complete healing, a steady career to fit my new normal, and for a way for us to celebrate. 

I really want to see a therapist. I had a counselor who was great; but I think I need to see a psychiatrist to help me dig deep and figure out why I have such horrendous anxiety. 

The thought of being alone and without Nathan is terrifying to me. This all started after that mess in the summer. I’m sure it has to do with PTSD and me wanting someone around because all of these events happen without warning. But I need to talk to someone. I used to be a very confident, independent woman. Now I don’t go anywhere unless it’s with Nathan and the kids. It’s bizarre. 

I’m sweaty, fever is breaking. I am going to try to sleep.

Pray pray pray.