I don’t know how to explain it.
For some reason, this time around, I feel more like a mother. I mean, I have really fallen in love with being a mother. It’s such a comfort this time around.
Maybe it’s because my body and my head know that it’s my last baby.
But my heart isn’t so sure.
I look at my sweet thriving baby and just smile. And when he smiles I want to cry because he is so beautiful and so perfect and precious.
We waited 10 days to take him home.
After he went to NICU with his pneumo, we had to wait 10 long days to take him home because his heart rate would drop or his oxygen would drop.
We prayed and prayed for our sweet Charlie, and we got to take him home. I have finally been able to breastfeed. Well, pump. My milk is supplying his feedings and it makes me feel like a superstar to be able to do that for him. It’s hard and gets overwhelming at times, but it’s so worth it.
I don’t know what prompted me to write this.
I have a wedding today and I can’t sleep. I keep thinking of my babies.
I love them so much. Benjamin is nearly 5 (which is insane!) and Ethan is 3 in January. Charlie is 10 weeks old. It’s been 10 weeks with my baby already. I don’t want to go back to work.
This is the first time that I didn’t want to go back to work. To get away and have some adult time. I think it finally clicked for me that this is my life. This is what it’s all about. Family.
Nathan is staying home with the babies as I go back to work. It’s truly a blessing that I can do that. We have 4 days off together every week. Together as a family.
We have done so much on my time off from work. We saw family, fireworks, did splash pads and went to St. Simons. We went swimming and had cook outs and went to festivals.
Something is different this time. I don’t know what, but I like it.
Buying a minivan and carting kids around wasn’t ever really my game plan for me. I knew I wanted kids but I knew I would always work. Which I am. But something is different.
I love kissing the boo boos and cuddling the kids. Putting them to bed and saying prayers. I love cuddling Charlie and touching his little smooth rolls and his baby soft hair on his head. I love looking into his eyes and seeing the miracle that he is. I love seeing Benjamin laugh and Ethan giggle. I love taking candid photos of them while they’re cooking with dad. I love watching my older boys love on Charlie. I love this life.
I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my identity being a mom and being pregnant. I have gained a lot of weight and I struggle with my self image and worth a lot. But I see my babies and I know that they don’t care about that. They see mama.
I am going to soak up these last 2 weeks of staying home.
We are trying to sell our house and move. I am praying hard that we will sell it. We were under contract but the buyers backed out after we signed on what seems like the perfect home for us. I’m praying hard for a buyer.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I love my family. I love my babies.
I may be an emotional mess, but my heart is so full.
