32.5 Weeks with Baby O #2

I know, I know. I haven't written in a long while. We have been busy! Hospital work, photography is nearing the end of a busy season, Nathan was traveling a lot for work (which meant extra work for this pregnant mama with a 2 year old!) This is going to be a tough time this year I think. Two days from now last year, my sweet Doodad passed away from pancreatic cancer. It's  hard to celebrate the holidays knowing that. It hasn't really hit me yet, and as it always does, it hits random times, so I'm sure it will emerge sometime that day. I will be able to spend some time with my brother though which I think will be good. I wish he could have met our sweet baby #2. I know he knows, and is watching over us. I miss calling him and hearing a "what you know?" from him, giving medical advice, and his hugs. I miss his laugh, and hearing him play guitar. I miss watching him play with Benjamin. I have videos and photos, and if I close my eyes it's almost like he's here. I miss him a lot. But knowing that I will see him again makes me happy. 

On a happier note, we are so close to meeting our new baby boy! 

How far along? 32.5 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of a bunch of asparagus? We had a 3D ultrasound done last week, and he was measuring 4lbs and 18 inches long! 

Total weight gain/loss: Like 20 something. My OB wasn't worried and told me that I will probably gain in the high 30's by the end. I'm trying to eat better...

Maternity clothes? YES! only.

Sleep: What the heck is that? I'm getting very comfortable with my couch, my mile-high stack of pillows, and my late night TV. My heartburn (or rather, what feels like constant regurgitation) has been insufferable, along with the never ending rib pain makes it damn near impossible to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. Which mostly means 2-3 hours a night.

Best moment this week: Feeling that movement is still magical even though it hurts sometimes. Knowing my baby is rolling around in there is wonderful. 

Movement: Everyone can see the movement now! He's twisting and turning and just rolling around like he'a slam dancing. 

Food cravings: Always carbs. Breads, stuffing, potatoes... fruit as well. 

Food Aversions: Nah. 

Gender: We are having another boy! :)

Labor Signs: I had some bad back cramping the other day after my BLS checkoff at work. I knew I shouldn't have done it... but I had to for work. They went away after I rested a little bit. 

Pregnancy symptoms: I've got some constipation, very mild swelling in my face and toes and hands (but not NEARLY as bad as with Benjamin! I think I'm moving around more this time). Leaky boobs... Braxton Hicks contractions every once in awhile. Heartburn city, intense aching rib pain...

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Being able to sleep!

What I am looking forward to: Normally I would say Thanksgiving (tomorrow) but I'm scheduled to work. But I'm looking forward to my OB appointment Monday to check baby's position. He was frank breech at my ultrasound, which could mean a cesarean section (which is okay as long as I'm prepared for it...) But I am looking forward to this weekend off with my boys! Maybe we can get some Christmas shopping done! 

Upcoming appointments/events:  Monday!

Weekly Wisdom: Invest in a ton (literally) of pillows and Rolaids/Tums, stool softeners, and water flavoring so you can drink a ton of that as well.

Milestones: Baby should be turning into position soon, and his skin is no longer transparent! His digestive system is mature as well!

Week 22.1 with Baby O #2!

How far along? 22.1 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of a coconut! 

Total weight gain/loss: 8 lbs! :( It's on track, but I really don't want to gain a ton!

Maternity clothes? YES! I am still wearing a few larger "regular" tops, but I am embracing the tighter fitting, bump enhancing things! Exclusively.

Sleep: I keep waking up every few hours, not really due to anything in particular, but just generally starting to get uncomfortable. It's tolerable though :)

Best moment this week: Feeling these amazing kicks and rolls. I truly love it! My placenta is apparently in the back this time (it was in the front with Benjamin) so I can feel more with this baby! :)

Movement: I am feeling all sorts of baby movement now :) Nathan finally got to feel a few days ago! 

Food cravings: Yeah... Fruit, and carbs. 

Food Aversions: Nothing really anymore! 

Gender: We are having another boy! :)

Labor Signs: No! Thank goodness!

Pregnancy symptoms: Bloating, swelling in my feet and hands... and face, constipation... 

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Not being bloated! So uncomfortable.

What I am looking forward to: Benjamin's birthday, girl day with my friends, my styled shoot Monday, and wedding festivities for my friend Anna!

Upcoming appointments/events:  October!

Weekly Wisdom: Invest in pregnancy Spanx and compression hose!

Milestones: Baby is looking like a baby and can hear me :)

18.6 Weeks Pregnant with Baby #2!

How far along? 18.6 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of an artichoke! 

Heartrate: No checkup this week, so not sure! 

Total weight gain/loss: I weighed at home before going to the doctor (more on that) and gained 2 lbs. I don't know how accurate that is, but I'm definitely sporting a bump!

Maternity clothes? YES! I am still wearing a few larger "regular" tops, but I am embracing the tighter fitting, bump enhancing things!

Sleep: sleep hasn't been THAT bad actually. I woke up this morning early with a twinge of sciatica pain up my left side, but I've also got a nasty viral something that's making sleep harder to achieve.

Best moment this week: Feeling these amazing kicks everyday! Especially after something with sugar in it (even OJ)!

Movement: I am feeling those kicks fairly regularly! Mostly when I'm laying down, but I love it! 

Food cravings: It's hitting the "I love carbs" stage in my pregnancy! Up until yesterday I was eating pretty well! Then yesterday I had yogurt, nuts, dried cranberries, pepper jack cheese, 4 slices of pizza, 2 shrimp tacos, 4 nuggets off Benjamin's tray (since we are apparently raising a vegetarian inadvertently), a Snickers bar, and some chicken and stars soup! I will take it though since I've been sick for about 2 weeks now.

Food Aversions: Nothing really anymore! 

Gender: We have an idea, but no ultrasound this week so we will find out at the 20 week detailed look on 9/7. We have names picked out for both though!

Labor Signs: No! Thank goodness!

Pregnancy Symptoms? Bloating fingers, sore nipples, mini sciatica pains few and far between. No real nausea anymore unless I haven't had something in my stomach in the morning. 

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Sneezing/coughing without peeing! There's no fear of it anymore... If I sneeze/cough, it's happening. I gotta work on those kegels!

What I am looking forward to: Getting over this "virus", my belated birthday weekend this weekend with my hubs, and a job interview for a charge position next week!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Detailed scan 9/7!

Weekly Wisdom: If you put your toddler in daycare and they catch something, you will too(regardless if you work on a hospital floor full of adult germs or not).

Milestones: Baby is rolling around like crazy!

Bump Picture: I will take one. I have a cute maternity dress now ;) 

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This week has been hard. 2 weeks ago, Nathan's grandfather was murdered in his home. While we are iffy on details, they had 2 people in custody about 2-3 days after it happened, and we are waiting on court dates, etc. It's such a tragedy. We had his funeral on my birthday... Not exactly how I wanted to roll into my 30's, but, it will have to be. 

I've also been sick for about 2 weeks (mostly just congestion/nasal stuff), and then Benjamin came home with probable pink eye, and a nasty cough. So, of course because I'm pregnant and immunocompromised, I got the exact same thing. My eye is better, and my cough seems better today than yesterday, but geez. Yesterday, I almost threw up multiple times because of how hard I was coughing (which meant peeing all. day. long.) I think the thing that sucks most about being sick is weighing the benefit of meds (even pregnancy "safe" meds) vs the symptoms. With Benjamin, all I remember taking was the occasional Tylenol or Tylenol PM. This time, I'm having to use nasal spray, Flonase, Robitussin, cough drops, Benedryl, etc. for this thing. I am slowly weaning myself off of them, but it's just a mess. 

As far as turning 30 goes, it's definitely not my best year. But I don't feel any older, and I don't feel any worse! I just want a big family and to be happy. Things are looking up! :) 

Little movements!

I don't have another appointment until September, so my updates will probably not be as informative as usual, BUT I have felt some pretty regular baby kicks/punches even this early! I LOVE it! Sometimes I just feel like I'm fat and forget I'm pregnant so it's kind of nice to have these little reminders that are so precious!

Benjamin has been sick for almost a week, and now mom and dad have it. I really figured since I worked on one of the most nasty, sickness/disease ridden floors I've ever worked on and I never get sick, that I would be immune to everything. But it's my son's ONE daycare day that did us ALL in. Sore throats and runny noses all around. Usually I wouldn't mind too much but I have 2 weddings this weekend, plus 2 days of work at the hospital. So... Yeah.

I wonder when I can go to light duty (if I can) at work. I can't wait for those later months for that alone! But also to meet our sweet baby of course! This time I have short term disability so I can be home with my family as my one and ONLY priority for 12 whole weeks! I was only out like 6 weeks with Benjamin and it broke my heart.

Anyway, I've got some maternity and wedding photos to edit and an energetic/snotty 2 year old to chase after!

15.5 weeks with Baby #2!

How far along? 15.5 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of a large navel orange!

Heartrate: 154!

Total weight gain/loss: NO WEIGHT GAIN YET! Yay. I know I'm supposed to be "gaining" at this point, I started this one off 20 lbs heavier than with Benjamin, so I have a few pounds already on to feed baby. I'll start packing them on in the third trimester like last time, I'm sure.

Maternity clothes? YES! Mostly pants. A couple of shirts. I'm not really showing yet, but things are getting TIGHT!

Sleep: I sleep in nap cycles this go around. ;(

Best moment this week: Hearing that 154 beating strong and loud on the doppler1 It's so amazing!

Movement: I feel like I have felt a flutter here and there, but nothing regular yet.

Food cravings: Fruit! Oh my goodness. Clementines, grapefruit, pineapple, watermelon, kiwis... etc. LOVE FRUIT!

Food Aversions: Seafood is still pretty iffy.

Gender: We have an idea, but no ultrasound this week so we will find out at the 20 week detailed scan!

Labor Signs: No! I still have some very mild, sporadic cramping, but nothing crazy.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Some bloating and sinus stuff. Nausea has let up quite a bit. Sometimes it hits really randomly still. 

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Sleeping. And sneezing/coughing without fear of peeing my pants!

What I am looking forward to: My husband to get home from his business trip, and to be able to feel this little gummy bear wiggling around!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Detailed scan 9/6!

Weekly Wisdom: Pantyliners are a must, and pregnancy plus a toddler is a lot harder than going without! Geez!

Milestones: Baby can start to hear me! It's time to work on those sweet songs!

Bump Picture: I will take one later! I have a tiny, tiny bump.

12.5 weeks with baby #2!

How far along? 12.5 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of a large plum :)

Heartrate: 170

Total weight gain/loss: Will find out next week!

Maternity clothes? YES! Mostly pants. A couple of shirts. I'm not really showing yet.

Sleep: I sleep in nap cycles this go around. ;(

Best moment this week: after a bleeding scare this week (only lasted 1 day and it was very scant) and tons of crying, our ultrasound showed that baby was wiggling and perfect!

Movement: I can't feel our little one moving yet! I can't wait!

Food cravings: Salad and pasta! 

Food Aversions: MEAT! I have to really not think about it if I want to eat it. Everything fried. SEAFOOD! The smell... Oh my.

Gender: No idea! Friends and family are saying girl because of the heart rate which was 170 to me being so sick this time, but who knows?!

Labor Signs: No! I still have some very mild, sporadic cramping, but nothing crazy.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Some bloating and sinus stuff. Nausea has let up quite a bit. Sometimes it hits really randomly still. 

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Sleeping without snoring...

What I am looking forward to: Getting an actual baby bump!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Check up the 19th!

Weekly Wisdom: A good haircut and pamper day can make you feel like a human again!

Milestones: Baby is starting to look like a baby!

Bump Picture: I still just look like I ate too many donuts. Not a nice round bump yet!

11.5 Weeks with Baby #2

How far along? 11.5 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of a lime!

Heartrate: 179!

Total weight gain/loss: No weight gained, but my "bump" looks like I ate too many burritos.

Maternity clothes? YES! Only pants. And only because I never stopped wearing them when I had Benjamin! Ha!

Sleep: I sleep in nap cycles this go around. ;(

Best moment this week: Trying to figure out what can help with the morning sickness! I'm so nauseated this time around.

Movement: I can't feel our little one moving yet! I can't wait!

Food cravings: Plain rice. Fruit. Veggies.

Food Aversions: MEAT! I have to really not think about it if I want to eat it. Everything fried. SEAFOOD! The smell... Oh my.

Gender: No idea! Friends and family are saying girl because of the heart rate which was 179 to me being so sick this time, but who knows?!

Labor Signs: No! I still have some very mild, sporadic cramping, but nothing crazy.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Some bloating and sinus stuff. Feeling sick pretty much most of the day. :/

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Not feeling like I have to puke every moment of the day, sleep, and clothes that fit!

What I am looking forward to: Getting an actual baby bump!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Check up the 19th!

Weekly Wisdom: Stock up on meds you are allowed to take during pregnancy. You never know when you might need it. (this is still true, so I'm going to leave it!) I will add that ginger ale, Preggie Pops, crackers, small meals, and no movement while you feel sick is probably the best you can do!

Milestones: Baby is starting to look like a baby!

Bump Picture: I still just look like I ate too many donuts. Not a nice round bump yet!

A Year.

I haven't written in a year... It's been... busy! To say the least. I read my last entry, and it brought back a wave of memories. I guess I shouldn't write to catch up.

My father passed November 25th, 2015, about 6 months after I wrote that blog post. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my Dad. I miss him everyday. However, when I say he REALLY loved those last 6 months, he really did. We spent a lot of time traveling between here and NY to see him. The decline was so rapid in the last 2 weeks. The rest of the time, he was just, well, Dad. The same. He was super strong and went through tons of life extending chemo, for us. I knew it was for us because 3 weeks before he passed, he was told his cancer had spread and was asked if he wanted more chemo or to go on hospice. He called and told me that he really thought about it, but that he was done with fighting with chemo. He wanted to fully enjoy what he had left. And he said "I'm not scared to die." And in all of the years that I knew my Dad, he never said anything with such confidence and truth behind it. He really wasn't afraid.

I got to know my Grandma very well. My extended family showed me who was truly a kind person (which there were lots, just not where we all expected it to come from which was infuriating). Three days before he passed he went out for a cigarette on the back porch where he always went. He hadn't taken any of his medication and I knew where it was going. He came back in and he said "I want to tell you all that I am ready to go Home". And he didn't cry. He was ready. And I think even though it hit us all like a ton of bricks, we knew. We knew he was ready and we were more ready than you can be in that situation for him to be pain-free and at peace. The night before he passed, I kissed his head and told him I loved him. He said "I love you too".

When I came over the next morning, I knew it would be within hours at the most. My husband luckily had come back to be with us that day or the day before. I can't remember which. But when I went in the see him, I tried to calm him down. It seemed to work every other time he got agitated in the past 2 weeks as he declined. But he wasn't there. I don't know how else to explain other than his spirit and soul and every bit of himself was already checked out. Within the hour, the wonderful hospice nurse came over, gave him medication to relieve his pain and his agitation, and he passed. So peacefully.

Benjamin, who was just over 1, was wonderful. Babies are smarter than you think. He knew something huge just happened and he came over and he held me. Yes, I was holding him, but he held me back and just laid his precious head on my chest and made me feel such a great comfort. My husband came back from running an errand that my grandmother asked him to do, and further made me feel better. I'd be lost without my two men.

My grandma's church community was incredible, and everyone pulled together to make things as easy as possible on us. A huge part of my struggle with all of this was living with the idea of "do I leave and let him pass without me there because I can't handle it? Or do I stay?" When I arrived that last stretch, I knew I couldn't leave. I knew I could never get on that plane with my brother and say goodbye, knowing it would be the last time I would see him.

I'm glad I stayed.

I honestly have so much love for my dad because of the time we spent together. Although 57 is a short life, he truly lived and we had never talked and laughed and spent so much time together. I was happy that as a RN I could help care for him in the end. He thanked me everyday and said "I'm so proud of my little nurse". It makes me cry now thinking of it. All I did in life was to make he and my mom proud.

Thanksgiving and Christmas was somber as you can imagine.

Some nights it hits very hard.

He would have been 58 on June 30th this year.

I live, and move on, but I miss him so much.

In April, we found out we were expecting again. I was overjoyed (and still am), but part of my heart breaks knowing I can't share it with my dad and that this little one won't ever know the man who raised me. I know he knows. I know he's watching over me, and I take comfort in that. I just miss being able to hear his voice and feel his hugs.

I'm 3 months along and I'm sicker than ever. I never had that with Benjamin! Everyone is thinking pink, but who knows?

I know this post is mostly sad, but I'm truly blessed. My job worked with me so much during my Dad's illness and death. My husband has been a wonderful support. My mom and brother and I have gotten closer. We truly are over the moon about our pregnancy. Nathan got a new wonderful hobbyist he actually loves going to and he got a very significant pay raise. I rebranded my photography and I'm excited to see where that goes.

All in all, this past year has been a blessing in disguise.

"I might as well get back to my music" - The Good Rats