I can't stop thinking about my Dad. A week ago he told us that he had Stage IV pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months to a year to live. How do you deal with that? The sadness hits me randomly. Today it was in the car on the way to see my mom for her birthday. I get mad and sad and irritated and I just don't want to be touched or anything... And then I make Nathan feel bad and I don't mean to. I don't know what I need right now. I am grieving. I'm in denial... And then I have these moments of realization that I won't see my dad again until I die... And it's too hard to bear. I feel like in my 28 years I don't know enough about my dad for him to be taken from me yet. I feel like I can't make up for time and how am I supposed to cram the rest of my life into 6 months to a year? It really doesn't feel real. Now that he's back in NY my heart aches, but maybe the distance makes it a little easier... Or harder? I can't tell. Sometimes I just don't feel anything when I think about it. I just get numb. It's hard to be happy and maintain the day to day things when I think about it. I miss my brother. He was here all week and now he is at my mom's house. I need my husband too, but I feel like at this time and with this going on that my brother is part of my strength. We were both hit so hard with this news that we never expected. I mean, MAYBE when he was 90. Not 56. So young... And I've seen it so many times in the hospital. Why did I think my family was immune to such things? I guess I didn't, but I didn't think it would happen. I didn't think it could happen. How do I deal with this?
He talked to me about hospice, dying at home, how he's not scared... All things that I don't want to talk about. Except the not being scared part. That gives me a great peace. I can't imagine having a dying family member and them being scared. But my dad, he's so strong. He's not scared. He's thinking about seeing his dad, and his grandma, and talking about when I see him again he will be young, and healthy. I know these things. But my heart doesn't know it and my heart hurts. It hurts a lot. I've been praying, but things like this shake your faith. Mine anyway. And I hate that. I just feel like I have been dealt the worst deck of life cards. Or one of the worst. I lost a boyfriend in a freak accident. Now my dad? So young. And after we have been through so much and things have been repaired. I guess at least we were given that time? I don't know. I love my dad. This week with him was the best I think we have ever had. And I don't know if it's because he feels a freedom because he knows what's wrong? Is he looking forward to being pain free, to getting to heaven? He was so agreeable, and even braved the GA Aquarium... That's so not my dad. But I wanted to DO things with him. And we did. I got to make him homemade pasta, let him help Benjamin learn to crawl, play music for him, play games together, have deep spiritual conversations, gave each other advice. It was a week of everything that I've always wanted in time with my dad. And it takes this for it to be that way? Why? Is it some sort of cruel joke? I don't know. This has made me realize how much family means to me. My mom took the news hard as well. I can't imagine how my grandma feels. How do you deal with your child passing away most likely before you? I pray I never have to find out for myself.
I'm praying she doesn't either. I'm praying for a miracle. For remission. My nurse brain knows the odds, but God can defy the odds. My heart is hanging onto any time. Any time that we can have together. I want to tell my dad how much I love him and that everything "bad" that happened is water under the bridge. I don't want to dwell on bad things. And I don't. I want him to know that I don't though. I want him to know that I think he is a good father, and that he showed us he loved us how he knew to do it.
I have only told a couple of people. I don't know what to do. My anxiety is through the roof... And then at times, nothing. It hurts too much to feel, so I don't. I don't feel happy or sad, I just lay in bed and can't sleep until I just pass out from exhaustion. I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to go back to work. I'm really anxious about that. I don't want to go back to work and take care of sick people. I want to fix my dad. I want to take the cancer away. But I know I can't. But I want to.
I am going to spend as much time as I can with him. And with my grandma and my mom and Nathan's family. This is just a hard slap in the face about how special family is and why didn't you do that before? Guilt.
I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm bartering. I'm in denial. All the stages of grief at once. Why is there still this childlike thing in me that thinks I can go back in time and change things; make things better. Barter with God. I don't know. I don't know if that's me or if it's just human.
I need my husband, but he needs to sleep. My head hurts. I'm wondering what my dad is doing right now. He's getting the port put in for chemotherapy on Wednesday. He kept saying he couldn't wait to start.
Lord, please heal my dad. Please put him into remission. Please let him be able to have his cruise to Alaska that he wanted to go on with Susan. Please. Please.
My chest hurts. My head hurts from not crying and keeping it in. My eyes hurt from crying when I do let it out. My muscles hurt. I need my husband to hold me until I go to sleep, but he's sleeping. I don't want to bother him. He would say "Babe you should have just woken me up" but I feel bad and silly. I miss my dad. I miss my brother. It's like if I have someone with me, everything will be okay.
This was a long venting. But I needed it. I need to talk to my counselors... I need to take a leave of absence maybe. From work. But we need the money. I don't know what to do. I don't. Praying, praying... Praying.
Praying for peace, for pain free treatment for my Dad, for precious time with my dad, for miraculous healing, for a cure for cancer, for peace for me and my brother, for a way to go and see my dad, for understanding, for unwavering faith in God. All of this. I NEED this.
I begged God tonight in my prayers that I would hear from him. That I would literally hear from him. His voice. I have doubted so many times before when people have said that they heard God speak to them. And I need that. I'm begging for that. I need to know that everything will be okay. I feel so fragile, and I need God to step in and take over and give me a sign. Speak to me and tell me. I know I'm not worthy of such a thing, but I keep thinking, if other people have heard Him, why can't I? Is my faith so wrong and "not enough" that He wouldn't? Am I that bad of a follower in Him? I know in not the best, but I need Him. I need God. I need my faith. I know I am blessed. My life is so good when it's good. But this stuff is too hard to bear. I need to hear from God. I need to KNOW that Heaven is real and perfect and that I will feel so full of love and emotion when I get there. I need to know that my parents and grandparents are there. I need to know that this life isn't the end. I KNOW it's not, but I need a sign. My head hurts from thinking. If Heaven is perfect, why do we go through life? Why the pain? Why put us here if somewhere perfect awaits?
I have so many feelings right now, and I need someone to hold me.
