Nathan is off at a school fair (well was yesterday) so he had to spend the night and I miss him! It's been a long while since I have been without him! It seems that I can't sleep without him. I had a terrifying dream the other day. Nathan and I had gone to lay down for a nap and my brain decided to give me some terror.
In my dream Nathan and I were shooting a wedding. Something happened where he was frustrating me, and I told him to go outside. I remember everyone just running outside and a crowd gathered. No one said anything other than the EMT: "he's dead". In my dream I just kept saying "no" over and over again and no one would let me get to him. Those words just over and over in my ears... I woke up in a deep sleep stupor and looked over at Nathan and I just started sobbing. He woke up and seemed terrified to see me like that.
I have never done that before. I have never woken up and been so relieved and terrified at the same time that I literally sobbed. All I could think was "I cannot lose this man". Even when I KNEW he was there with me in the bed just sleeping away. Even though I knew it was a dream, it makes me realize how precious everything is. Well it reiterates it. I already know.
I go to sign all of my papers with the hospital this morning. I am so relieved but scared at the same time. This opposite shift in schedules scares us both. I know that we can make it. But we both want at least the first year of marriage to be an easier one! This will make it a bit harder, but we need it. I can't believe I have reached this point in our lives. I have a BSN and I have a real job. I still feel like a student. I still feel like a kid.
I am about to start a new life as a wife. And soon (hopefully) a mom. Which throws everything else into perspective as our parents will be GRANDPARENTS and our grandparents will be GREAT grandparents. Our siblings will be uncles. The focus of things will be shifted to our Gift and not immediately on each other. I hope we will grow from it and not crumble.
Life is hard and unexpected. But I am excited for it. I'm excited for all of these things to happen. I think way ahead and think about becoming grandparents. That blows my mind. But it will happen one day! I hope.
All of these things run through my head as I am about to walk down the aisle in almost 2 weeks. I can't wait for that. I cannot wait to be with this man for the rest of our lives! To start a new chapter together. I always thought I'd be married by 21. Here I am at 27, joining with my love. I thought I'd have a baby by now. But I am trying to relax and enjoy the alone time that we will have as husband and wife before that happens.
I am just ranting because I can't sleep.
I miss Nathan. I can't wait for him to be home tomorrow (today!).
