It's 7:00 in the morning and I have been up since midnight! Big giant sad face ;(
Mostly studying for my final today, kind of Christmas shopping, lots of thinking (which can be a bad thing), and lots of reading The Good Book, little sleep, lots of cuddling with my kitten, and a little hot chocolate (even though the weather is very much like Spring here...).
I am in a very hard place right now. Things in my life and other's lives are weighing on me. Family has caused Nathan and I some trouble and stress lately, my stomach is (cross my fingers) a little better, or has been the past couple of days, I am financially strapped, wishing I could do more for Christmas, I am hopelessly searching for jobs, and losing sleep.
Pre-marital counseling has been wonderful, although this last session I feel kind of blah. Dare I say it, worse than before? I think it is because I haven't really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my past. I find my mind wandering to places they shouldn't, in regards to past hurts, and God knows there's a lot of them with varying degrees of actual hurt involved. When I look back though, they all hurt the same. I have always battled self esteem problems, and as of late they are at a peak, causing me some really serious grief. I feel that I am pushing my partner away, and driving myself crazy. The hurt that I bring upon myself with memories and self-deprivation-of-my-happiness-talk is awful. I pray a lot about it, and the only thing that seems to help is prayer. I just feel like Nathan thinks I am crazy and doesn't understand. It's a horrible cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Throw on top of that all of my financial troubles, our impending wedding, school, lack of a real job, family issues, etc, things can get pretty crazy. I find that I really want to cry. Not all the time, but when I think of everything and think of how OVERWHELMING life is at the moment, that's when I want to cry. I need to just bawl. Like can't breathe, sob. I don't want to do it alone, but then I get embarrassed to do it in front of Nathan.
I want to truly feel beautiful, and like I'm worth keeping around and fighting for. Like my personality is worth something too. For some reason, I just don't. I feel like I'm the worst. And I hate that. I have these conflicting thoughts in my head where I try to feel good about myself, but then I sit and point out to myself every flaw that I can find. And then I worry that Nathan will find someone better, which makes me upset, which makes him upset, which makes fights happen, which makes me stress more. It's horrible. The question is, HOW do I fix it?
How can I get married when I feel this way? I love this man, but my distrust of everyone makes it very difficult to give everything away. If I harden just a piece of my heart, it won't ever get hurt. But then it never gets used, and then I always feel like I'm holding something back in preparation of something happening. Do I take a break? Do I run away? That won't fix a problem, but it could mend it temporarily. Sometimes the thought of a temporary mind vacation is very appealing. But I would lose my everything. I would lose Nathan, and I don't want that.
The things Nathan writes to me are amazing. They make me cry in a good way. If I could hear those things, then maybe my heart would rest. Having a heart to heart with him could really help things... but I hear the same things all the time. I feel like he doesn't know what to say, or can't say anything that sounds absolutely genuine. Not genuine in that he doesn't mean it, but genuine in that it's a profound something that's coming from his heart about how I am feeling. I need a good cry with him.
My heart is damaged. How to fix it? Go back through a childhood of hurt and stir up things that I never knew existed? Probably, and that may be what I am feeling now. Our counselors are brilliant, and maybe I am grieving something that happened. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been holding back my heart and I know what it has cost and that I don't know how to change it. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I have been hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because when I hear Nathan say that I am beautiful, but I don't feel like he means it, or that it's true at all. I don't know. How do I know if what I am feeling is wrong, or if it is a gut feeling to run away? So many feelings... they make life difficult.
Apart from all of my feelings, Nathan took me to The Fox and we got dressed up to see The Nutcracker, which was amazing, although the evening was not particularly so. I got to see him play his Christmas show at church, which was a greater gift, honestly. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted every time I looked on up and saw him smiling at me from behind his trombone. If I could feel like that all the time, I'd be alright! I mean, I truly felt happiness at that moment. No gifting, no money spent, nothing overtly "special". But the fact that he was in his element of making music, and looking at me and smiling like he was proud... man. That really makes me want to cry. It's an incredible feeling when that happens, because unfortunately, I don't really feel that way often. Maybe it was because he was in a room with tons and tons of people, and making music, and with tons of people who were playing music, and it was his night, and yet, he still looked at ME. It truly made me feel special. I want that feeling every day of my life!
He has grown so much... I mean truly. I am so proud to call him mine! And that is what I am afraid of losing. Potentially the only really "good" man in my life. Something so treasured and everything that I have wanted and asked God for, and I am afraid that He will take him away, or let him walk away, or be led astray. It is my greatest fear; to be alone. I know I am not truly ever alone (God helps me a lot), but having my best friend be my almost-husband is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I could use a huge Nathan bear hug right about now. I would just cry and cry and feel better.
I go through these phases where I feel fantastic, so I kind of slack on church, and being involved with God. I think this is one of those harder places where I realize this; that I have to maintain a relationship and stand firm and go to church EVERY Sunday even if I don't want to get out of bed. I wish that I could physically hear from God that I am beautiful and that I am exactly what I am supposed to be and that Nathan is The One. Hearing that ultimate TRUTH would change everything, but I have not, or if I have, I have refused to hear it. I am a bitter, wounded woman, and I need to heal. I want to experience joy and happiness in my life every day, not just some days. I am really hoping that through prayer and talking with Nathan and understanding each others' needs and counseling that happy days are around the corner.
