Thanksgiving 2024

 What a year it’s been. We hosted this year since I have to work Christmas - those healthcare jobs can be hard in that way. We had turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, baked brie, and grandma’s clam dip that she’s made for years and years. It’s so good! Nathan’s Dad came up and his brother Nicholas came over as well as Grandma and Grandpa Chris and Kenny. The boys had a great time. Benjamin is 10 - we told him Santa wasn’t real this year and it broke both Nathan’s and my heart to have to tell him. There’s a part of childhood innocence that breaks apart that day that you find out. A little bit of the magic goes away. He took it like a champ, but he said “I didn’t know” and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I guess we were too good at disguising it :( He did promise that he wouldn’t tell the other boys yet and that he wanted to help with the Christmas magic this year - so we will let him help. He’s such a sweetheart. So musically influenced and intelligent. He’s able to pick so many things up by ear. He’s always playing music like his dad. Ethan is 7 - will be 8 in January - and he and Benjamin both have grown over an inch this year. It’s crazy how fast time is flying now. Ethan has such a heart for art and is just the biggest softy. I think he’s going to be our artsy one. He’s very emotionally connected as well. We talked about how Benjamin may need his tonsils out in January and Ethan got a emotional, worrying about his brother. I’m not going to lie - although I work in healthcare and know it’s a routine procedure - I worry. I may postpone it a bit - I personally think it’s more allergies than that and that seems like just a quick fix. We will see. And Charlie - what a mess haha. He’s such a smart butt and so sarcastic and goofy but he is such a sweetheart when he wants to be. He still carries his lizards everywhere with him. It’ll make me sad the day he drops them for good. We actually lost one and then one day Nathan found it in the woods like he was just sat there - not a stain or spot on him. Charlie was elated. He’s not left his side since. Almost done with Christmas - Nathan and I are working on NOT getting each other anything this year because it’s just too expensive to even exist. I don’t know how I got signed up for this trials and tribulations package but I don’t recall signing up for that at all… phew. Donald Trump won the presidency this year - hoping our economy will bounce back but who knows. Still working at a hospital as a case manager - going back to weekends because it’s easier doing 3 12 hour shifts than 4 10 hour shifts. I don’t know what I want to do. I miss the clinical stuff a lot but the stress… my anxiety has been pretty rough lately. Not panic attack bad and I’ve been able to mitigate it with some meds but mostly I go for a long walk and I talk with Nathan and he holds me and then I do better. Sometimes it gets to be overwhelming and I let out a good cry but mostly I can control it. I have to work today 6-6:30 at the hospital but I woke up at 3 because I can’t sleep and there’s no point in me trying to sleep for an hour before going in so I’m writing. November 25 has been 9 years since my dad passed away. It feels so unreal saying that. I miss him so much. My kids sometimes cry because they didn’t get to meet him - and that’s hard. I wish he could have met them here on Earth. He would have been a great grandpa I think. Mom is good and still working at Lowe’s in Florida. Kenny is still working at the restaurant although his roommate got married so he is looking for an apartment. We are still here doing our thing. Nathan has been able to stay at home although he might be having to get a part time job to help financially. But that makes me feel guilty as I have been able to “make it” for this long, but the economy is so bad right now. We are feeling it in every which way. I’m sure that is what is giving me the most stress right now is work and needing to work more but not wanting to because it stresses me out. It’s just hard. Praying for better times ahead for sure. Nathan and I are great - life has been busy, but my favorite place is nuzzled in his chest at night. It’s the best thing and calms me so much. I love him so so much. I can’t bear to think about doing this life without him - he is still one of the biggest blessings that the Lord has given me. He is truly a partner and I love him so so much. I’m not sure what else to say. Usually I have a stream of consciousness and I just don’t right now. I’m just tired and old 😂 I’ll get back on soon hopefully. This used to be very cathartic to me and I’m trying to get back to things that are good for my mental health. My skin and stomach have been better since doing the kidney supplements however it is wintertime so my eczema spots are flaring. But the thanksgiving week has also thrown off my diet since I’m not skipping carbs! But back to meat this week I think. Oh well, that’s all for now - I’ll check back in sooner or later. 

June

 Hubs and I have a cough that has been driving us up the wall for 4 days now and it’s making my anxiety creep up and up and up… I can feel this rattling in my chest that won’t go away which makes me bonkers. I will probably have to go to urgent care if it doesn’t get better. Last time I left it alone, I got pneumonia, but I was also coming off of Skyrizi. I’m sure I have an underlying asthma that isn’t helping either. Anyway, I know I sound like a hypochondriac. I am down 17 lbs from my last entry (211), so trying to creep on down and feel better. My goal is health. Of course looking better would be great, but I would like to lose some weight and get these asthma symptoms better under control as well. Work in progress. 

I am honestly writing because my anxiety is through the roof and my hubs is at the store with the kids and I need something to bide my time until they get back. I should probably write more. I just get in these slumps where I don’t know what to do and feel too anxious to write but too anxious to sleep so I just get even more anxious. I slept maybe an hour last night. I start my new job tomorrow so I am praying I get some sleep tonight. Nathan and I both have been struggling with sleep with this cough we both have. I am praying and hopeful for recovery quickly. 

We went to Clearwater the last day of school and had a great time, although Nathan vagal’d out and scared the ever living shit out of me. He’s fine, but it scared us all at the time. We went on a dolphin tour, swam at the calmest Gulf side beach, went for ice cream, went to the Aquarium where they filmed Dolphin Tale (haven’t seen it), cuddled close, and the boys watched lots of SpongeBob. We also hit a Bucees on the way back which was great! I got some obligatory keychains for my travel keychain collection. 

So far in the 2 weeks into Summer we had our big trip and have been to our neighborhood pool a few times and been on some family walks. We will likely do another Braves game soon. We watched the Back to the Future trilogy with the boys and got them a slip n slide which was an instant hit. We are trying to really enjoy the summers we have with them while they are young. Ethan lost 2 teeth in the same week 😳 Charlie will start kindergarten in August and Benjamin will be in 4th grade. It’s going by so insanely fast and I don’t like it. I just want to hit pause a little while. 

April 2024

 Just checking in. Every once in a while I think “I need to get all this down so I can remember the details” and I have a night of insomnia and I can. 

We just got back from Colorado for our belated 10 year wedding anniversary trip - we actually hit that mark September 22, 2023. It was incredible. We stayed in Boulder at a hotel that wasn’t the best overall, but the beds were comfy so we always slept well. I did have a breakdown the first day because it was kind of brown and wintery out and I felt bad that Nathan wasn’t going to see Colorado’s beauty - but I was so wrong. The second day we went to Georgetown, a little old mining town and got the kids an antler whistle necklace and drove up some windy roads to see snow and beautiful birch trees. We ended up driving to Loveland pass and took some video of the skiers there. We stopped off at a pass where we heard a rattle snack but didn’t see it, but it overlooked a giant frozen lake. We went into Breckenridge and ate at a Rita’s (tacos) and wanted to take the gondola to peak 8 but I was feeling sick (probably mild altitude sickness) and we headed back down. We need to do it next time we go though! We got some canned oxygen and inhaled the heck out of that heading back down the mountain. We hit Red Rocks amphitheater but couldn’t go inside because there was a concert going on, but we got to see the amazing scenery and the rocks nonetheless.

The next day we went to Garden of the Gods and Nathan and I got to climb some rocks and take some photos. Truly an incredible sight. We did go to the Manitou Cliff Dwellings museum where Adobo Indians built their homes into the side of a mountain. Very cool.  We finished the day by going into Colorado Springs and eating at a really great BBQ restaurant (banana pudding for desert!) before heading back to our home base in Denver. 

Third day was super cold and we ate in Denver at Atomic Cowboy - a really great biscuit place. We drove around the city of Denver for a bit before hitting the Eddie Bauer outlet and getting some better sweaters for me (it was freezing) and I’m so glad we did because we went to a Rockies game that night at the Mile High Stadium (Coors Field) and sat 3 rows behind the Rockies dugout - I had never been that close before! We had to leave during the 6th inning because the wind chill was so bad my legs went numb and Nathan’s hands were freezing. They lost to the Tampa Bay Rays, but it was a fun experience nevertheless. Ate a hot dog and hot chocolate and got the boys a bunch of souvenirs (mini bat, their stuffed mascot Dinger - a triceratops, and a Rockies pencil - Nathan got a nice purple ball cap and I got a keychain). We drove to the hotel and had winds shearing at us the whole way there. You could truly hear the winds howling and whistling. The gusts that night hit 60 mph in Denver - almost 110 in Rocky Mountain National Park as we had heard the next day. 

The fourth day we went to Rocky Mountain National Park. It was a beautiful drive even if it was windy. Windy is actually an understatement - a lot of traffic lights were out and we saw some snapped power line poles on the way up. We drove through Estes Park but really didn’t have a chance to explore too much (next time!) and headed straight to the gas station for some beef jerky and Gatorades. We went into the park and one of the roads was closed, but we saw a LOT. It was stunning. I was almost in tears at times looking at the mountains and surroundings. We saw countless deer (which are fuzzy up in those mountains), a few elk, a fox - no bears or moose though :( We saw the most beautiful landscapes - a lot of the rivers were still frozen or partially so. We ate at a restaurant right outside the park and got directions to go the scenic route back to the hotel. We were so exhausted by the end of this day that we crashed pretty early after eating. 

The last day we hit the giant REI in Denver before flying home first class! Our first time - we took advantage of the free drinks and food for sure, but it was a great flight!

Some things we underestimated - how dry the air is, how much water you need to drink with electrolytes, and how thin the air is. We were okay in Denver, but those higher elevations like in Breckenridge, we could really feel it. We were constantly drinking water and were still dehydrated. It was crazy! I have no complaints other than the hotel… no ventilation in the bathroom, the staff wasn’t great. Etc. But it was a magical trip for us and we want to take the kids out there sometime! 

In other news, Nathan turned 37 on the way back to GA, which also coincided with the eclipse - we were glad there was not an end of the world scenario that day ;)

Updates on family:

Benjamin is in 3rd grade, playing violin and piano (at home) and he is very good at it. He definitely has an ear for music. He likes piano more than the violin at this point so we are trying to encourage him to follow what he wants to study - although he has to finish the year with violin since he’s in the orchestra at school. He loves documentaries and old shows like Tin Tin and Andy Griffith. He is our reader - he loves to read. He is still so innocent and such a sweetheart. His ears haven’t been giving him trouble and his health is great. Benjamin gives me random hugs and tells us he loves us all the time - it’s so nice and I pray he never changes and stays an inquisitive, kind person. He is up to my shoulders now. So insane how my babies are growing like literal weeds. 

Ethan is in first grade and doing so well. He still has a temper when pushed to his limit, so we are working on how to de-escalate his emotions in those situations and he is doing great. He is our artist. He is always drawing and painting and coloring and writing notes and giving little homemade gifts to Nathan and I. It’s precious. Ethan has the most sensitive heart - and is just so sweet and mushy. He has lost some teeth and is about to lose another front tooth! He’s still growing too! Not quite as big as Benjamin, but he is getting there. He is so active loves to constantly swing outside or run or “work out” on the monkey bars. He’s built like a lean machine! 

Charlie is 4 and will be 5 next month - so he starts kindergarten this year! He can read better than his brothers sometimes. We have finally conquered pooping in the toilet consistently (and not in his pants out of distraction) and he’s excited for school too! He’s my most stubborn, and he likes to tease his brothers - but he is so stinking smart. He has 2 stuffed lizards (Mr Jones and Fireball) that are exactly the same, just one is older than the other, and he takes them everywhere with him. He loves dinosaurs and size comparison videos on YouTube. He is sweet when he wants to be - but he is still pushing those boundaries of what he can do and what he can’t. I do remember Ethan being a little bit like that, and he has come out of it just fine. He’s so smart and keeps us laughing all the time.

Nathan is going to get a part time job in August when all the kids are in school and the house is empty. He’s been making sourdough and working on some woodworking/leather things as he can. He’s still so handsome and caring and loving to us all. He’s the best father and homemaker. He thrives in those roles even when it may be tough. I still roll over in bed every night and kiss his back and thank the Lord that I have him. He’s a blessing to me and our family and I feel closer to him now than ever and I pray it continues to grow as the years go by. It’s crazy that we have been a couple for 13 years this year and married 10. What a wild ride!

As for me, oof. I will be 38 this year. My weight is back up at at my worst in a while (228) so I am working to lose some for my health. I was on Skyrizi since last January with my “psoriasis”/weirdo immune response  that no one can really give me a good diagnosis for, and had to stop in November because I have been sick once or twice a month to the point I needed inhalers, tons of antibiotics, had pneumonia twice… it just knocks out your immune system completely - so I am trying to taper off of it. I had some intermittent itching but I have been taking a beef kidney supplement that has surprisingly helped quite a bit and I take a ton of supplements. I just pray the immune response/psoriasis doesn’t come back. If it does, I will likely have to go back on the Skyrizi which means more infections which I would rather not have. Also why I am trying to lose weight - to minimize my health problems. I was having so many steroids, and stress related binge eating episodes that this is where I’m at now, and I’m not excited about it. I need to lose it again and I will!!! I need to. I am trying to grow spiritually and as a parent and as a mom and wife. I don’t like my leadership at my job anymore, so I have been looking. I had an interview at a hospital Tuesday and they offered me a job! But I am waiting to see what compensation will be - I am praying I can leave this job I am in now. I have been there for 9 years this year, and it’s time. I may see if I can stay on PRN there, but I have been praying for a door and a way out for awhile and this job seems to fit. For posterity- I work Thursday - Sunday every week, 8 hours on Thursday and Friday and 12’s on the weekend. Not ideal, but it pays well. The new job would be 3 12 hour days, including Sat/Sun - but would have the opportunity to transfer to weekdays once I have been there 90 days and a position opens, and the workload sounds better. We will see, but since my only other option is to literally stay where I am until November (I have a “written warning” from attendance from all of my sick episodes and finally got approved for FMLA) I think this option sounds great. I am getting back on birth control because I feel like being off of it makes my hormones flip around worse and I’m having on and off UC flares which I haven’t had in awhile. It sucks having autoimmune disease and having to try and manage it in the most natural way possible. I am trying so many different things. Prayer is my biggest help so and support as is my husband! 

Grandma and Chris are well and we are going to see them next week! We have all been sick on and off so we haven’t been able to see each other. Lisa is good, and she and Charlie just watched the kids together while we were in CO. We don’t know where their relationship is or where it is headed, but I’m sure they’ll let us know if they get back together, even if we are all hesitant about that idea. Kenny is good, still working at the restaurant and living with a roommate and his dog Luna. Samuel is finishing up a travel CT tech stint in North Dakota before going to Pensacola for flight school. As per the usual, Nicholas is following Samuel and also trying to get into flight school. Matthew just lost his job unfortunately and is looking for a new one. Mom is in Florida and doing okay I guess. It’s sad but since Christmas we haven’t really talked so much. I feel like she is just in a very different place in her life than me regarding family etc. we offered her a place to live rent free here in our home, but she declined over and over saying she has cats and doesn’t want to leave the beach (even though she never visits the beach). We had a rough time this Christmas - something kind of changed. I don’t know how to describe it, but seeing how my kids seemed to annoy her and take her attention away from her phone… it made me mad and kind of resigned myself to the fact that we will likely never have an interactive grandmother from her, and that’s just how it will be. It’s crazy to me to chose cats over your child and grandchildren, but that’s how we are different I guess. I had an interesting conversation with my Grandma about family and she mentioned my mom was always pretty much leaving towards Kenny for favoritism, which is apparent still, and that’s okay. I pretty much lived my life that way, but I am appreciative for the love I get from my family and my grandmother and Lisa. My heart just yearns for a closer relationship that will probably never happen. I am not a bars and party person anymore, and my mom is at 65. Just crazy that some people outgrow adolescence and some don’t. It is what it is and it’s her choices to make, so I don’t harbor ill will, it’s just kind of a grieving process. I should probably pray more about it, but I’ve been a little bitter - that needs to change. 

Anyway, maybe I will get another 6 month update in when I can. Or maybe sooner. I may try to take a little nap before I have to get up for work. My hubs is here sleeping next to me, so I don’t want to wake him up. 

37 for posterity

 Benjamin - you are 9. You are amazing. Truly kind, respectful, so sweet, and caring. You say “I love you mama” and give me a hug unprompted. You have the thickest head of hair in the family! You are brilliant and still so childlike. You love paw patrol and innocent things. You are so logical, but love magic tricks and jokes. You are so smart and love to read. You have grown an inch in 6 months says our wall measuring stick. You have lost teeth, and still believe in the tooth fairy and Santa. We love your sweet innocence. You are learning violin, and “plick pluck” for me songs from your song book. You love rainbows and putting the colors in order. You love Soongebob. We went bowling for your birthday this year and you were so good! You have learned so many facts about everything, you teach me things everyday. 

Ethan - you are 6. You are the best artist I have ever seen in a child and you are going to be a great artist someday. You have so much energy and are just the same lean muscular kid you’ve always been. You have the sweetest dimple, and you say “I love you maman” - I pray you never stop calling me that. You are so emotionally attuned and so responsible. You act like the parent in the room with the other boys. You make your own cereal bowls with milk and get your own juice. You have changed Charlie’s diaper unasked. You are so kind and wise beyond your years, but still a curious little boy who can be rambunctious. You are sensitive and imaginative. You are an artist - I see it. My sweet left handed little artist. 

Charlie: you are 4. You read better than the other 2 boys and haven’t spent a second in a classroom. You are the classic example of too smart for your own good. You are strong, smart, defiant, curious, and a little devious when you need to be. You are still pooping your pants (have to note this for posterity). You love your Hobby Lobby lizard Mr. Jones. You have the cutest smile with the tiniest teeth. You have a scar on your right side of your mouth where you slipped and your teeth went into your lip last year. You love to eat tacos and rice and pizza, from the top down. You are fearless. You pick up spiders and bugs without hesitation despite us screaming for you not to. You antagonize your brothers, but then run over and hug them in the same breath. You love the nightmare before Christmas. You are scared of the dark and love your little paw patrol night light. You know all the dinosaurs. You have a temper, but maman can easily calm you down with a back scratch and affirmations. You still cuddle with me. You like for us to call you a “big kid” instead of “big boy” - apparently kid is higher than boy in the growing chart. You run around in your light up shoes and it makes me smile to see you smile. I love how you say “I love you”. I love your sweet smooth face when you come to sit in my lap. I love your questions that are never ending. You are so stinking smart and I can’t wait to see where you bloom.

Nathan - you are 36. I am 37. We celebrated 10 years of marriage this year. We are going to celebrate in April (hopefully) in Colorado for a few days. You bake amazing sourdough bread. You keep the house immaculate. You cook us homemade meals. You are God’s gift to this family. You are patient with Benjamin when he needs to practice violin. You are patient with Ethan and his 500 million questions. You are resilient for dealing with Charlie’s defiance daily. You are the best partner I could ever ask for. I can’t wait to grow older with you, even though it scares us to get older. We cry about how we miss the kids being little. And how we are trying to just make it day to day, yet savor and relish the moments that matter. Kids are hard. But so worth it. When I sit here in the middle of the night thinking about them, I cry. Happy tears. Time slow down tears. God gave me perfect children and I intend to grow them into God following men. I know they won’t be perfect, but we are a good team to help grow a dynasty. We live on Finley Drive. I don’t know if we will be here next year. We want a home with acreage and a ranch. A real forever home. You have created such a beauty in this home. I love you. Nathan you are a treasure. 

Christa - you are 37. Getting back on track in self care. Trying to lose weight. 203 lbs. that’s rough. But I was 238. So that’s a plus. I am a case manager right now. It’s okay. I just miss my 4 days off a week. I miss my kids. I miss them so much it hurts. More so now than ever before. I just see them growing before my eyes and it makes me realize how precious these years are. It may seem like forever to them, but holy cow these days go by fast. I am tired of being stuck in the rat race. I am trying to find something that better works with my work life balance. It’s hard. It’s all hard. Kenny is still at Brookwood. Grandma and Chris are well. Mom is good and still living with Dell in FL. Nathan’s dad has had the longest stint at sobriety ever in his life and our kids love their Poppy. Mimi is good, working part time. I am trying to remember to jot these things down. Life is really fast.