Summer is dwindling...

My summer is almost at an end. I don't want it to.
I got engaged to the most wonderful, caring, sweetest, most awesome man God could have ever placed with me. I got a job, I'm passing my classes, I've found out a lot about myself, and Nathan and I together, I've taken little trips, I've spent time with both sides of my family (forever family and future family!), I've laughed a lot and cried, I've lost hair from stress and I've been overjoyed with happiness. I've had the most fun planning for our wedding. The best nights for us are productive ones. My favorite are when we are at home, relaxing with each other, making bunting or looking at wedding things, and talking about everything under the sun and listening to Chet Baker and cooking dinner and dancing in the kitchen together. I love it!

Not saying that will end when summer does, but summer is a lot more peaceful than my fall, spring, and following summer will be. I normally hate the summer. And while I am not fond of the heat, I don't hate it as much. I guess I'm more comfortable with Nathan, even sweaty and without makeup and funky from being in the sun. Who knows?

I still have leaps and bounds to make for myself and for us as a married couple, and we do together, but we will do it. We both can't wait to make a home with each other, high in the mountains in a rugged little cabin with a tin roof. I can't wait to be married and sleep with my best friend every night. Kisses in the morning and when I shut my eyes to dream at night. I can't wait to have a little porch to sit out on with my husband and listen to him play guitar and sing songs unwritten and read together and enjoy each other in our peace and quiet before babies come. I can't wait to go to marriage counseling and do things right. The thought of coming home to Nathan every night and seeing those kind eyes and feeling those arms around me every single night makes me feel on top of the world, and I yearn for that! I have no patience when it comes to my future happiness with my husband!

Looking back on past blogs makes me smile. Hoping for another date with him and meeting his friends for the first time. Now we are planning a wedding. We have made it through some tough times, and I'm sure we will make it through some more. (Although I pray for clear skies and easy times for awhile.)

I guess with the closing of summer brings in the beauty of fall, which is my favorite blessing. Even though I'll be in school, I want to go camping, pick pumpkins, take engagement pictures, get lost in a corn maze, visit our coffee shop, roll in the leaves, take in the beauty. I want to visit the mountains and light a fire and sing and be held. I want lots of time with Nathan :)

I want to go to church every Sunday and sing and give thanks. I want to tithe and pray. I want our foundation to be based on faith in God. I want to grow this year.

My birthday is next month and I'll be 26. After that 27. Then 30, then 40, then 75. It goes by so fast. I am more and more trying to do things with my love and with my days because I do realize that I'm only young once. I want to take everything in. In the end, I want to have made a difference. In my own life, with my babies, in my husband's life, and strangers' lives. I need to grow myself before a lot of that can happen. I feel that Nathan and I help each other a lot. He got a new car, so there is less stress for him. Life is getting better.

I need to remember that everything will be okay.

confessions of a sort

I think a lot about past things accidentally that ruin my day. I need help to get over that. I have self esteem issues that stem from who knows when; but there are ideas. I pray and pray for a quiet mind, but it runs and goes and never stops. I think about things that have no bearing on where I am today and somehow make it matter. I hate that. I put characteristics of other people into people who don't deserve it. I have a general distrust of those I let get close to me. With matters of my heart anyway. I feel like I will eventually get hurt in the end by friends and lovers both, and I hate that too. I don't feel beautiful or adequate enough. I sleep both too little and too much. I probably need medication, but I'm scared. I love Nathan so much it hurts my little heart. He's my world and it scares me to give that power to someone other than myself. I have control issues. I have anxiety. I compare myself. I worry too much and do too little about it. I need a calm and a lot of prayer. I have wanderlust. I want to run away from everything and be a hippie and live in the wild with no phone or cares in the world. Seeing things happen on the news depresses and scares me. Seeing the lack of morality in the people around me scares me and makes me sad and lose hope. I want to be a woman of God. I want a super great, close relationship with Him and Nathan. I want to feel like I don't have to worry or be the same as everyone else. I want to get married. I want to work a job where I can be at home with my husband. I start to think that maybe nursing isn't for me. Just because I can do it doesn't mean my heart is in it. I want to cuddle my Tango. I want to travel. I want to be with Nathan 24/7. I wish I wasn't so scared that something is happening or may happen. I hate anticipating disaster. I hate losing sleep over things that happened in another chapter in my life years ago. I wish I could be happy all the time with what I have and who I am. I need sleep, but my brain won't let me.

All of these things go through my head at 50,000 miles per hour. In an instant I can cry and a good day can go to hell just as fast. It makes me sad. I need prayers and prayers and prayers.

happenings

I haven't written lately! I know. I'm horrible! And so much has happened!
We booked the venue AND a photographer!
His name is John Shim, and this is his website: http://www.johnshim.com/
He's very talented and we are so happy that he is going to be shooting our wedding!

I have been super falling more and more in love with my fiance! It still feels amazing and awesome to say that! We have had crazy days lately. Just a lot of going and going and not much time for relaxing! We went crafting and got supplies to make bunting and went antiquing some more and he found some real cool suspenders this weekend that he is going to wear to the wedding!

We went to North Carolina to see his Poppy (mine too now I guess!) this weekend. Friday we went and finalized some stuff with our venue, which we were pleasantly surprised that it had been expanded for the same price that we paid for when it was smaller, then Saturday we drove up and spent the day walking and holding hands and spending time with family and eating way too much food. We went antiquing in Greensboro and got some delicious chai tea at a cool coffee shop where Santa was drawing pictures, found some cool stuff for Nathan, but not so much for me, but it's ok :) Today we went to church and ate more tons of good food and I am stuffed! We stopped at another antique store in Lavonia that was incredible, but we didn't have enough time to look at everything in there! It was humongous! Then we went and ate pizza and talked about married life and what we want and got some scratch off lotto tickets (I won 2 free tickets!) and laughed a lot :) We also locked my keys in the car this morning after church... but all ended up well with only a few bad words said. (Just kidding)

I started a new job at the school! It doesn't pay awesome, but the schedule is great and anything is better than nothing! Most of that money is going to go towards the wedding! I just want to get married right now. I love Nathan so much. He's the sweetest! The other day I was having a bad day (it happens...I'm a girl) and he kept calling me his cinnanom bun. Yes, cinnanom. So when he came over to see me he brought me some cinnamon doughnuts from Krispy Kreme :) He's wonderful! And I need to snatch him up quick and for forever!

I need to start working on my nursing stuff since I go back in less than a month... Oh man. Am I looking forward to it? Yes... and no. It was stressful and wonderful and I learned a lot, but it strained a lot. I lost social time, free time, fiance (then boyfriend!) time, and sleep. I lost a lot of sleep. But, I am looking forward to learning more and edging closer and closer to my degree. I need prayers!

G'night!

pretty walk at Poppy's house

venue!

suspenders!

expanded venue!

Wedding shopping part 1

What I got today:

- countless dinner + dessert plates
- candle holders
- antique tea cups
- old antique tins
- a metal basket
- mirrors
- vases
- lace
- a cool little bottle
- an old picnic basket
- an older suitcase
- an old cigar box for Nate
- more little trinkets

I love this!